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Marriage Builders Forums Infidelity Surviving an Affair Wife had an affair, then deployed.

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Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2465531 01/18/11 04:37 PM
Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 650 A americajin Member
americajin Member A Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 650	Woot, part of any Plan A is to work on improving oneself apart from just the marital issues. So easy to fall into despair when you feel powerless to effect change within your marriage but you have the opportunity and motivation to effect change within yourself. You have done quite a bit of soul searching since you have come here, you need to take that newfound knowledge and self-awareness and rebuild yourself into a better person and partner. So for now, work on yourself. Stay in shape, eat right, clean your house, get into a routine. Get down when you're by yourself? Take some courses at a local school, use that tuition assistance, pretty hard to indulge in self-pity while you're busy with work and night school. What's more attractive, a guy that mopes at home in a dirty house or someone that has their fecal mater collated and takes the reins in his life and does what he can to improve those areas he can control. You got no control over what your wife thinks, says, and does, but you can control the person that you can become, and make visible changes that would make you a more attractive mate than those around her. The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2466009 01/19/11 04:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	My biggest fear currently is that she will get back, and move across the country. Then I don't even get a real chance to show her improvements. I tried avoiding talking about our house and what to do with it, but I can see she is looking to get back and just run. Friday I have a meeting setup in person with her Supervisor, her 1st Seargant, and her commander. Even though my own commander supposidly sent them the statement, I'm going to make sure they know. I am also going to ask them to not allow my wife to end her commitment early, so that we will actually have time together and she can't move back east right away. Is this wise? My last question to y'all is: If I send her Fireproof in a care package, won't that be considered lecturing? Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2467610 01/23/11 10:28 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	Anyone out there? Anyone? In an effort to try and take care of myself: Yesterday I went to a bicycle shop and setup an appointment to test ride bikes all next Saturday. Then I went on a motorcycle ride for about an hour. Just by myself. Today I forced myself to go be with my Grandparents and Godparents for my Godfather's birthday. Rode my motorcycle, and took the long twisty route to their house which lasts about an hour each way. Then I made it home just in time to grab my hockey bag and go play a game. I haven't played in about 6 months. So it was actually quite funny as I showed up to the hockey game, still in motorcycle gear not having enough time to change. Time to write my wife her daily email. Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2467937 01/24/11 09:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	Hmmm. Less than 60 days until she gets home. Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2468179 01/25/11 02:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 491 S smileygirl Member
smileygirl Member S Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 491	I wouldn't send it to her. She would take it as u educating her. Keep up working on yourself and keeping busy.

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. smileygirl #2468313 01/25/11 10:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	I went to a nutritionist today to get setup on eating better. Actually shocked her when she found out my body fat. <5% I run a little over 5k each day, and I'm about to pull the trigger on buying a bicycle to start riding an hour each day. I know that I need to increase my calorie intake to cope with the increased activity. I've always been REALLY thin, so I guess now is a perfect time (and motivation) to work on gaining some muscle. So that's why I went to her. I haven't spoken to my wife in a few days, I'm not trying to initiate conversations with her. Today is one of the days that I'm not sending an email, I wonder if it'll get her thinking about me. I wonder if she even cares. Thanks for the support guys. Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2469121 01/27/11 11:09 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	Well here is an indicator as to where we stand: I asked her tonight for her W2, and asked her how she wanted to deal with the refund. Here is the exact conversation: Her: I'm dling my w2 now Me: How would you like to deal with the refund. Me: You got screwed last year, and I feel a lot of pain from what I did. Her: yeah, I really don't care. Me: Her: well you do whatever you want anyway Me: Not anymore. Me: That's why I'm asking you. Her: I just sent them Her: well I really don't care - just take it Her: do w/e with it Me: I got them. Thank you. There is so much else that I want to say, but I won't. I love you. Goodnight. So from that exchange, I'd say we are not well. What do I do? How can I show her that I'm different and she matters? Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2470129 01/31/11 02:36 AM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	Here is what I figured I'd do with the tax refund. 1k to me. 1.5k to her. 1.5k in a mutual fund for her mom. Her mom always talked about wanting to invest, shes always wanted to but never had a clue how to get started or the money to do so. (Her mom is kinda poor) If anything I figure that's at least not selfish. Maybe it'll deposit some love units. So I have a question for y'all. What are some typical things that most people work on to improve themselves? Y'all say to continue to improve myself, so what are some normal things? americanjin listed a few. But what else? Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2470133 01/31/11 04:46 AM
Joined: Oct 2004 Posts: 4,383 A aussieswife Member
aussieswife Member A Joined: Oct 2004 Posts: 4,383	Woot 1k to me. 1.5k to her. 1.5k in a mutual fund for her mom. I think this has potential to come back to bite you. Does "whatever" hold any legal force? got to wonder. (One of my DD's most annoying favourite words by the way ) While I don't know how the tax return works for you legally ... all yours?? I would think it is FAR safer to send $2k to her and $2k to you or if not.... whatever legal division is correct. I understand you may wish to not think about this... however how would it would play out for you if this ever does go to court and there is a asset and cash division. Please be careful. While I think your very generous thoughts for your MIL is just wonderful... Maybe get some legal advice? just so you don't have more issues to deal with in the future. Perhaps a email from her that agrees to the distribution would work... one more niggling thought .. is giving her more $$ financing her WW behaviour? Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. aussieswife #2475578 02/11/11 04:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	Well. In the past week my wife has iniated contact three times. Last night she even called me. That's only the third time in six months she's called me. (on a humoreous note, every call I've been somewhere away from home. Twice living in a tent at an exercise) Our conversation went well, mostly just catching up, but no displays of affection on either side. So I guess this is good, as my goal was to get her to iniate contact and to have her call me. Baby steps. Can I even take this as a sign there is hope? Where do I go from here? She has about 40 days left before she leaves Afghanistan. Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. aussieswife #2475585 02/11/11 04:20 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	@Aussies All very good questions. She inquired about the refunds, and I once again asked her what she wanted to do, and she said that that sounded like a good plan. As to is giving her $$ financing her behavior? I have no idea what her behavior is. In her phone call last night she said "I have no friends, I have Boone to hang out with. I don't talks to anyone." Because I can't be there, I have no clue if she is still having an affair or not. Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2475589 02/11/11 04:27 PM
Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 650 A americajin Member
americajin Member A Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 650	Well, that does sound like good news for you. Just keep doing what you're doing. As far as the tax return, I would just split it down the middle; or if you took it all last year take what would have been her share out of your half this year. The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. americajin #2476046 02/13/11 12:43 AM
Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 491 S smileygirl Member
smileygirl Member S Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 491	Split it down the middle. That sounds fair to me.

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. americajin #2476049 02/13/11 01:58 AM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	Originally Posted by americajin As far as the tax return, I would just split it down the middle; or if you took it all last year take what would have been her share out of your half this year. Last year she really got burned. We got the new homeowners tax incentive thing, so our refund was about $11,000. Which to us is a lot of money, I'm enlisted military and she didn't work that year. About $10,000 went to payoff our car. Which she would call "my" car, its in my name, but we only have one car. Then I got into a car wreck the day I got back from Afghanistan, and $500 went towards the deductable of that wreck. The rest went to her. So pretty much, nothing. The $1000 I was going to take from this years refund, I was actually going to get a road bicycle for her with. I've saved up enough so that with that $1k I can get bicycles and gear for the two of us. Thanks for the replies, I feel HORRIBLE amounts of guilt about last years refund, and I really want to make it up to her. What should I do? Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2476178 02/13/11 02:27 PM
Joined: Feb 2011 Posts: 318 L LoveCAG Member
LoveCAG Member L Joined: Feb 2011 Posts: 318	How many days will she be back?

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. LoveCAG #2476197 02/13/11 04:18 PM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	She will be back in about 35-45 days depending on flights. Or were you asking how many days she will be home when she gets back. Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2476421 02/14/11 11:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2011 Posts: 318 L LoveCAG Member
LoveCAG Member L Joined: Feb 2011 Posts: 318	When she gets back to you

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. LoveCAG #2478119 02/17/11 04:29 AM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	Then 35-40 days. Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

Re: Wife had an affair, then deployed. Woot #2480223 02/22/11 02:58 AM
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172 W Woot OP Member
OP Woot Member W Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 172	My wife said yesterday that she tried to call me, and I was in a place that had no reception so she may have. That's two phone calls within a few weeks, which is odd when that would have made only the 4th phone call of the whole trip. She does want me to go to a local car dealer, and check out a small pickup truck she found online. Should I do this for her? Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Summary of my story

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