Hmmm...

Maybe try fishing with a different bait?

Just my opinion, but that text seems to be kind of trying to box or define him a tad. Kinda like you are attempting to build an expectation, you know?

I think you'd be better served to work your wiles, instead. However, try if you can, to not build expectations into your lure.

It's gonna be difficult. Get a little more "come hither" instead of building the expectations.

So, rather than "what does 'periodically' mean," go for "been thinking about you... miss you... when can I see you next?"


That might get corrected, maybe someone would see it as needy... I'm just thinking building a little appreciation and anticipation into your exchanges may be helpful?

Ack! Always posting incomplete thoughts!


I understand your reasoning for telling him you want all of him, but it is possible she is seeing if you will accept what he is willing to give.

Assuming he is using you, even though it really appears so, is kind of kicking you down into DJ land, you know?

FWW said; "he's giving you a thread... GRAB THAT MOFO!"

Hi wpg ~ last week I caught up on your thread and listened to the radio broadcast. Sorry to hear about the turn of events and that your H has moved out.

I'm not sure what to think about the SF...on the one hand I think it's a fantastic way to meet a need for him and SF *does* have that bonding element, whether or not either one of you wants that.

However, I'm concerned for your emotional state of being. If you believe you can handle it, then continue doing it. However if you know it's going to continue to turn you into an emotional wreck, then you will need to make a choice as to whether or not it's worth it.

I remember during our FR my DH wanted SF quite a lot. It was incredibly confusing to me ~ I didn't know that the A was still on but I DID know that an alien was still inhabiting my husband's body. In hindsight I know that he DID want that bonding experience with me and in some strange ways, SF is an easier way to bond than say...having a heart-to-heart conversation. However I was often an emotional wreck because of this.

So, my advice is ~ continue to do this IF you are able to continue functioning and it doesn't throw you for a terrible loop. False hope is a terrible thing to get over.

(((hugs)))

Love these rooms! Our oldest DD recently wanted to re-do her room and she chose black and pink as well and it looks like she even has the same bed, just in a bigger size. And our youngest DD's room happened to be green when we moved in and her bedding and accessories are fuschia...funny!

As a male those rooms are

No wonder god did not give me daughters.

That's not a nice thing to say, Road. You did not have to post that you don't like them! Just say nothing!

@HHH - that is my question - I don't know how to communicate a desire to see him/be with him without being seen as needy. I don't know if he'd take "miss you" messages as needy or clingy. I think I've never felt confident in my ability to seduce/entice him - except early in our relationship, possibly - because when I was the one initiating SF, he would reject me, 9 times out of 10. I very rarely rejected him, although I did reject him when we were on vacation during the summer my A was going on. Both of us remember that.

@MarriedForever - I can see what you mean about confusing - definitely. When I got his text on Monday, saying what he wanted to do to me when he brought the kids home, my initial response was "what is he playing at?" I have no idea what it will continue to do to my emotional state. I haven't had another complete breakdown like I did Monday after he left so abruptly...then I ripped all the sheets off the bed and washed them and just in general kind of freaked out.

It's wierd because quite honestly, although H & I were attracted to each other in the beginning, I feel like part of what really pulled us together was SF (good and frequent SF! ) - so I know that it has that bonding element. I know that's not generally the "approved" way to start a relationship, but I honestly believed at the beginning that he didn't want more from me than a one-night stand. A one-night stand that lasted almost 18 years...and can't help the thought that now he probably wishes he'd never come up to that bedroom that night (I know, I know, don't go down that road...). I guess I can't help comparing us now to then and maybe it is wishful thinking, false hope, whatever, that we can come back together through the same means we did in the beginning. I can't quite decide for myself if at least false hope is better than no hope at all.

@TheRoad - OK, now we know that you don't like pink!!!

@LoveIsaChoice4Me - Thanks!!! It took a weekend - the first weekend they were gone - I was determined to finish before they got home. I did have some help - my mom came over on Saturday and helped paint the green room and dad helped move some of the furniture around. I enjoyed it, and it took my mind off of other stuff. I put on some good music when I was working by myself (couldn't with mom, she complains about my choice of music!)

Have wanted to do pale blue and brown in the MBR and bath for a long time, kind of a "spa" look. Probably won't repaint the BR but the bath needs painting. I may paint the cabinets or restain a dark brown, have to figure out what will work best. Biggest problem with the bathroom is we are stuck with the tub the previous owners put in, this giant green marble monstrosity of a whirlpool tub...the bath was on our list of home improvement projects, so maybe someday I'll get my clawfoot tub...

P.S. during Plan B I also completely re-did our MB. DH got wind of it through BIL and as soon as PB ended he asked to see it. I know for certain it got to him because it was something we always did together:"What??? She's moving on without me??? What's she doing to OUR bedroom???".

When he finally saw it, I didn't even have a dresser in there for him. Not so much that I did that on purpose, I just wasn't in a hurry to clutter up the room with his stuff. I enjoyed having it all to myself for a time!

I also re-did both the main and MA bathrooms and re-painted the entryway and hallway. It kept me busy and it was good for DH to see that I didn't NEED him to do these things, that I could do it all on my own, thankyouverymuch. I even tackled some electrical stuff and impressed myself and that was a good thing.

Ok that is too funny....I did our MA bedroom in brown and blue as well! I went very bold and chose a dark denimy blue ~ sounds weird and no one thought it would work but it looked fantastic. We've since moved from that house but it was a great color.

Don't quote me out of context.

Yes I'm from mars.

You must be from venus because you do not get my sense of humor.

bad taste joke coming....


We're from Venus
Cause we don't have a penis

Sorry, WPG, but my odd and annoying sense of humor sometimes cannot be quelled.

Yeah...don't paint me.

Add me to the list of having the blue and brown color palette.

Off to the gym. More later...

Road, here is what you said.

I don't see what "context" I left out. the second line of your statement does not provide "context' for the first. It is an additional point, saying that God knew not to give you daughters knowing that decoration like that makes you hurl.

Your point about the decoration need not have been made. It was nasty and unnecessary.

WPG:

Nice decorating... But back to the issue at hand.

Your H asked for NSA SF from you. You replied with a flirty text, and got no response.

So, what would NSA SF entail to your H? He shows up, does what he needs to do, and leaves till next time?

Maybe, just maybe, he is getting this advice from one of his "friends" in real life. To treat you like an affair partner. Show up, hook up and leave. NSA.

Affairs, as you know, are not always built that way, although they are constructed that way in the popular media often, just that way. And "friends" do not truly understand MB, nor its counter-intuitive ways. So, you H may be acting on bad advice.

Your description of your first meeting also resonates. You guys had your first date, that connnttttinnuueeddd... (Me and Flamingo's first date lasted 5 days) Maybe he is looking for the same type of spark.

As I guy, I am trying to let you get inside a guys head for a little while. To help move this in the direction that you want.

MF has some very good advice in NOT getting abused with this. NSA in NEVER NSA. Maybe you could do that between age 18 and 22 with someone else, but not now that you were married. There are WAY too many strings.

He doesn't want to cut them either. He may have entered the anger phase, or maybe he is thinking that since you were available to the OM as needed, then maybe he should treat you the same way for a period of time. Maybe find out if you "find time" for him like you did OM. Harsh that. But something that hopefully, will pass.

He has been hurt, so he is looking for a way back. Maybe he has to hurt you to do it. Maybe he is like some other BH's who have been here, and have fought to get back thier WW from an affair, and after a period of time, realize that it is too big of a hurt to get over. Your attitude is in the right place to promote recovery, verses staying wayward, so that is a huge plus in your favor.

Redecorating the MBR? I would hold off on that. Make sure there is equality in your words and actions. If you are asking him to come home, and you redecorate, that isn't equal. You redecorating with out him means that you are moving on. So, I would not redecorate without him... If the room is a mess, with both of your stuff, then start with some boxes, that might be OK. Is he a guy who wants a neat house? Or is he messy? So, move slow. Move your stuff FIRST. Leave his. That way, he can ask what you doing... "I decided to clean out my old clothes, and put the rest away neatly." IF he asks about his stuff, say that its his stuff, and you will do what he asks to do with it. And leave it alone till advised otherwise, or you make a change in plans. (I.E. Plan D)

LG

Thanks LG - I appreciate your helping me get a male perspective.

He finally responded, like 24 hours later. Pretty much just "sex, nothing more" and then told me I was free to ask for it as well, not just him. Huh. I could happily ask for it on a daily basis. Don't think that's gonna happen.

Yep. That's pretty much what he's been doing. Tried a little creativity yesterday with some candles and attire (or lack of, whatever!). But it was W-B-T-Y ma'am.

I have no clue. H doesn't have a lot of close friends and only confided in a handful for support. But yeah, I get that general impression. Some days he seems a little warmer than others, other days he's much more cold and abrupt. It (SF) has happened several times since those first incidents. He'll wait for me when he comes to p/u the kids, or when he brings the kids back home, or we have met at lunchtime. I try to put myself in a NSA mindset and just enjoy it for what it is, but it's not easy. I've held it together every time I've seen him, been positive, tried for flirty/sexy, always make sure I look good/smell good, etc. And then when he leaves, I hide in my room and cry. But as far as finding time for him, I'll keep doing as much as I can and will accept what he can give me for as long as I can keep myself together.

Earlier this week, I gave him a letter I had written. Basically, it was about 6 pages of apology. Not just being sorry for the affair, but for everything it has done to him (filling his head with images, humiliating him, trying to make him believe I was faithful when I was anything but...) and to our marriage (breaking my promises to him, being dishonorable, weak of character). It was hard to write, but somehow I felt like I needed to do it. I don't know if that makes sense. And I told him (in the letter) that I understood why he had to get away from me and that if this was truly what he wanted I would have to accept it. That being without him was painful, but that I hoped it would become bearable in time, and that because I love him, I wanted him to be happy. I didn't get a response, but didn't expect one. I think that is one thing I am finally giving up on, expectations. And realizing that realistically, there is absolutely nothing I can do to bring him home. Nothing. It's beyond my control. Giving up my need for control (notice I said "need" and not "giving up control" - I never had any sort of control in the first place) is liberating and terrifying at the same time.

I'm not going to lie and say it has been easy, the giving up control/expectations. I'm trying my best to Plan A, but I don't think Dr. H has a name for what's going on between H and I right now. Sometimes I wonder if he has wanted an out for years, and I gave him an excuse. That he never had a desire to "work" on a relationship, and I was simply too "high-maintenance." Sometimes I get angry at him for leaving, and then in the next breath I start beating myself up because I don't feel like I have a right to be angry with him, because THIS is what I deserve for what I did. I have no right to feel hurt/angry/upset/anything over him leaving, because I gave him the "get out of M free card." Maybe he didn't want that card to begin with, but I gave it to him anyway, and I have no control over whether or not he plays it. And I really don't even believe I have a right to be upset if H is, in fact, one of the BS's that finds it's "too big a hurt to get over." Because I caused the hurt, and I can't control the consequences. It's like thinking, duh! What did you think was going to happen when you entered into the A?

I've tried to be busy/productive today. Managed to bawl uncontrollably only twice today. Once while messing with these brick pavers we'd bought for a project and later while trying to pay bills and keep up with the budget file H made. Everything reminds me of him.

The AD's help some, I have not had any more panic attacks, at least and the anxiety seems much less. I'm on Wellbutrin, so one other positive effect is I quit smoking (yay!). Well, just since last Tuesday, but it's a start. I can't say the dark thoughts are completely gone. I find myself in some very dark places mentally/emotionally throughout the day.

Well, if anyone read this whole missive of the "continuing saga of WPG" I am sorry for being so long-winded! Just felt like I needed to update. Of course my update pretty much says we're still at the same place, but anyway...thanks to all for the support and the prayers! Please don't stop praying!

*edited to add: Just realized with February almost upon us, H and I had that first "date" 18 years ago this month.

Hi WPG. I just had to post bc i have been following your thread. I am a BH whose WW has had 2 A's. was devastated of course. A#1 was 2 y ago and didnt recover thus A#2. on possible road to recovery now, but i wanted to say i am so impressed by your strength and insight. i almost feel like your H at times where i think i am done. but i linger on in hopes that my W will have an epiphany as well before it is too late.

i wish you all the best. my thoughts and prayers are with you, your H and your two beautiful D's. it is for the sake of my 5 chldren that i still hang on. thank you again for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us all. it is most appreciated. i have a sense that your H is confused but he WILL come around and your M will be better for it.