Hi,

Just a quick update on events.

The OM is apparently trying to get into a serious relationship with another young lady. My WW has until now, gotten her fix by dwelling on the OM�s and his friends� FB pages.

When I originally exposed last October to the OM�s friends and relatives, he was not in a relationship at the time. Last Sunday I thought about the fact that he now has a girlfriend, one who should know what type of person she is entering into a relationship with, and suddenly realised that perhaps I now had an ally, someone close to him, so, I called the OM�s girlfriend on Monday and set out exposing the affair to her. She was very unco-operative during the call and I felt that nothing would come off it. To my surprise, the OM suddenly blocked my wife the very same day from his FB page.

My WW suspects that I had my finger in the pie, but I have not admitted to anything. Instead I have continually pointed out to her the possible logic � suddenly the OM does not want anything to jeopardise his new budding relationship (I took pleasure in pointing out to WW that he did not have any regrets in causing our, and especially HER, marriage to be on the rocks - that was all secondary to his new affair).

Today is Thursday and the last three days has been full of talk about the OM � it is similar to what we went through the days following exposure. In other words, my WW has simply prolonged the affair in her own mind, knowing full well that the OM is in a relationship, but still holding on to the possibility that one day he might choose her again.

This is a message for all those who feel that looking at the AP�s FB page is not contact. IT IS! It�s enough to keep it going for a very long time � with no direct contact from the AP. Only now that the OM has blocked her, does she feel that he has done something to indicate that he no longer wishes that she is able to contact him. It is this action, apparently of his own volition, that is sinking in.

It�s ironic that all my direct demands that she block him, had no effect. This way, surreptitiously, albeit with the grace of god, it was my actions that caused the desired action.

Life is strange, laughably so.

Best regards,
Schooner

Hi,

It�s now a week since OM blocked her on FB. There is definitely a positive change in her. She is still freaked out at him for doing this to her, but is buying into the apotheosis that the OM now considers their affair to be threat to his relationship.

Last Thursday she was accepted into a nursing school (for which she has applied for the last two years running) � she now has this stroke of luck occurring almost immediately that the OM �ended� their affair. Yesterday, we were given the results of further psychological tests done on our son who is still institutionalized. We now have a diagnosis which explains a lot of his past behavior during the last two-three years � more good news.

At present I don�t have a keylogger installed in the computer she uses to check FB � I will reinstall that soon. I do know that she does type his name out on google � just to see the small photo referring to his FB page (how desperate it all seems).

My ongoing plan A feels good for her � but my own LB has been suffering from an overdraft. With it, my need for SF has dwindled drastically. How ironic � one of my complaints has been that I could never get enough � now she is pointing out that she wouldn�t mind some!

How should I proceed from here? Bearing in mind that , although she is one who completely checked out of our marriage, and only by the good fortune that the OM never wanted a serious relationship that she did not physically move out, I too am a wayward. I have only been able to apply the MB principles by being totally honest and repentant with her.

Throughout this process, I have realized that my wife has similar difficulties in misreading social expressions to what my son has. I have been wrong to blame her for having narcissist tendencies. This has been the most difficult thing for me to own � she really has deep seated insecurity issues and cannot deal with criticism. I am not condoning her past behavior � it�s just that there is no point in demanding that she deal with others more pleasantly. It�s all to do with how she is treated � she doesn�t demand from others more than she demands from herself.

I never thought that I would admit this to her, but she is a perfectionist in her own world. She was a first runner-up in our county beauty pageant and looks 15 years younger than what she is, but she puts in a lot of effort into looking good, and does not understand why others don�t follow suit.

For the last ten years of our marriage, I had checked out � and did not support her. I put our marriage into the mess that it was.

I read a link to a thread by Mortarman regarding the roles of husband and wife. His interpretation of the scriptures cut through to me � the husband�s role is to foster the kind of relationship in which a wife flourishes. I suddenly remembered what my wife told me before we got married � �I want a husband who is stronger than me so that I don�t have to pretend to be weak� � and I realized that all along, she has been true to that. Her criticisms have been targeted at real issues, her nagging is the result of those issues not having been addressed.

In Plan A, I have focused on myself, and I have begun working on those issues which have always caused us to argue. Once those issues are taken care of, the arguments cease.

I hope you veterans can see through all this and advise me on what to expect. She has apologized a few times for the hurt she has caused me � but still insists that her feelings for the OM were/are genuine (even though she realizes they are now one-sided). Perhaps, in a few weeks, if there is no contact, she may even feel even more contrite � but somehow I am skeptical.

I am still pushing the divorce button, pointing out that I have no desire to remain married to someone who loves another, but feel that I should let that go at some point (it is the only leverage I have). I really want to just work on wooing her � on being the person she loved in the beginning, the one she saw in me, but who didn�t dare to be himself during the rest of our marriage.

I am not giving up � just the opposite � this is taking more courage to be vulnerable again, without grudges � to believe in her (as opposed to trusting her). For me, the role of a husband, is to allow her to now develop, to allow her to make her own decision as to whom she likes. I guess it means something, that all along she never out loud said to me that she is leaving me � and that all along she said the same to the OM.

Best regards,
Schooner

Hi,

Am I just being petulant, or is there a legitimate reason why I am feeling so aggrieved? In spite of the fact that the OM has blocked WW from his FB page, she still checks up on his friends. She has now found out that the OM�s girlfriend is no longer on his friends list, meaning they have broken up. Perhaps my call to her spurred her to break up with him � I�m just amazed at the timing � the blocking came in the nick of time.

WW has no repentance for the affair � believes that in the circumstances she needed it. Now she wonders why I don�t just let it go � in her words, our marriage is now better than it ever has been. After 14 months of plan A, I just don�t feel like being nice anymore.

Her attitude towards me has not really improved � only my calm responses to her AO�s have had a positive effect. Yet, she still openly flirts with other men, allowing them to flatter her � and, she openly states that only young men turn her on. She says this often, pretends that she is joking, knowing full well that it is her means of keeping the pressure on.

Even though there is something about her, something still hidden from me, that is pure and innocent, I don�t know if I will ever get to see it. All I get to deal with is the self-entitlement, the overt attempts to put me in my place � on the floor just outside our entrance door.

With 3 weeks to go before the divorce can be finalized, I feel that I should go through with it, otherwise it has all just been an empty threat. It is too late for plan B � she will not move out of her own home.

I know that all waywards are narcissist, but am I looking at a situation in which this type of behavior is going to continue? The nicer I am, the more entitled she feels � it�s only when she sees that I am morally angry (as opposed to being frustrated and upset), that she bothers to take notice.

Throughout all this I just cannot lose the feeling that my neck is still in a noose, the events of the affair have given me the strength to loosen the grip, and all that is required is a final shrug to be rid of the rope once and for all.

At this point my faith in her is at an all time low � is this God�s test for me, to see if I can in spite of it all, simply believe in her. Or am I being conned like never before? On the 12th Jan (2 days after the OM had received her NC letter) she wrote me a FB message saying that she realizes that it was a good thing, allowing her to break some of the bonds. The message made me feel good. Looking at the eblaster report from that day, she sent the OM a message that same day, saying that she was forced to write the letter, that she would lose a lot of money in case we divorced and that she will always love him.

I know that in the fog,people say and do things they may not normally do, but her words were so carefully put together, her purpose was to keep the affair alive, deliberately. Her words to me also, were deliberate. She used the words that I told her I wanted to hear � she did that in full understanding of what she had to do to keep me in the picture.

Best regards to all,
Schooner

Just a quick question - why on earth would you want to remain M'd to someone like that? What is about her actions post-A that suggests to you that "there is something about her, something still hidden from me, that is pure and innocent, I don�t know if I will ever get to see it."

All I see from your post is a woman that's clearly only interested in herself and her needs, and getting what she can get out of you.

I'm going to support and expand on MiM's question.

Let's say that the situation with your WW never gets worse (by worse I mean she doesn't actively hook up with POSOM or some OTHER POSOM. This isn't guaranteed, of course.).

So you will be then planning to live with a narcissistic, emotionally abusive person (note: not "wife"), who will continue to pine for the days of being actively boned by an unattached younger man (until being subsequently discarded like a soiled tissue for a younger, presumably sexier piece), and who demonstrates little (no?) affection for you, satisfying none of your human EN's, merely taking your financial support for herself and your children. Would that be about it?

And seeing this future, you're okay with that?

Obviously, I would not be.

Hi, and thanks MIM and NG,

I know I am sounding off on this board. I have come to the same conclusion that I cannot cause a change in her. No ammount of talking will change her mindset.

In spite of all this, I am really glad I tried. I don't feel bad about the decision - even with all unpleasantness ahead.

BR,
Schooner

I am really glad I tried. I don't feel bad about the decision - even with all unpleasantness ahead.

Please clarify - Which decision?
The decision to fight to break up her tawdry affair? (BTW: to you for that.)

Or the decision on how to move forward? And please reconfirm to us here what exactly that is?

Thanks for the support, NG. I did go all out to break up the affair. I have also been myself while in plan A and know that I have scored well.

In spite of all this, I suspect my WW still views reminders of the OM on Facebook, and as such is not willing to let go.

Today, she suddenly informed me that she started evening work again in the same place the affair started. It's back to square one. The OM was not there today, he's a truck driver, but for sure she will see him before long.

I don't wish to triggered continuously while waiting for the affair to pick up again. Tomorrow my lawyer will send her my demand for division of assets and in two weeks from now I can finalise the divorce.

Enough is enough, she's back to being cold-heared, demanding and aloof.

My son is still hospitalised in a facility for mentally handicapped and is OK. My daughter is coping with all this, so far.

I was hoping for a change of heart in her to allow us to try and be happy together as a family.

Best regards,
Schooner

Schooner, have you thought about going into Plan B?

Hi Scotland,

I have never really considered plan B - it just seems like too much trouble. The only plan B I could muster up, would be to move out myself - but that would be counter-productive.

My WW will not move out herself, especially as how she owns 50 percent of our house.

I am just so tired of it all, and do not see that she will change. The only time I saw her being nice, was towards the OM.

At present, I just don't see any permanent peace with her and her entitled ways - without that entitlement she would be OK.

This has been an interesting weekend. Has anybody have any similiar experience?

My WW never really did anything to get rid of her feelings for the OM and verbally attacked all my efforts to do so. Last week, she again heard new accounts of his behaviour - he tried to hit on a new acquaintance of hers in precisely the same way he treated her. She has now received accounts of his womanising from four different sources and I can see that the fog really has disappeared.

I was very unhappy that she went back to her old work, but it turns out that even though she saw him at least once, he is actually cowering and is avoiding her completely. He is that terrified of me (my face to face "chat" with him must have seemed like a scene out of the "Godfather" with me promising him that "I am his worst nightmare" and that "I'll be watching him for the rest of my life") plus all my my derogatory messages to him every time she sent him a FB message, and of course my contacting his present girlfriend which made him block her on FB, that he is extremely uncomfortable with her renewed presence at work.

I know that this is against all the advice, but I think this may have an unexpected result - she is actually seeing him for what he is: an opportunistic womaniser with no scruples whatsoever.

On top of it all, my letter from my lawyer was waiting for her on Friday evening - suddenly it struck home that it is not just talk on my side.

Yesterday, while outside, I saw her on my daughter's computer, and decided to walk up to look at her through the window, and she looked up, and smiled with a gaze I haven't seen since our early days in marriage.

Today is our 18th wedding anniversary and we both feel good about being together.

A lot can still go wrong - she will probably see the OM again this week at work. When I pick her up there in the evenings, I am triggered - but things are much, much better than what they were 6 months ago.

She is more tolerant as well, and though there is some awkwardness in our communication, for the first time in ages, I can see also respect in her attitude.

I haven't yet heard the brakeman call out that the rollercoaster ride is over and that it is safe to stand up - it just feels good that the lurching has subsided.

In a few minutes my WW will be at work again. I have had the whole day to think about it and read a lot of posts today.

The sinking feeling has started. I think I've been taken for another ride. Even though her reasoning is saying that the OM is no good, it will not make any difference. Once she talks to him, she'll be back in affairland.

So much for a good start on our anniversary. I guess I'll see the change in her when I pick her up in four hours time.

Hi all,

Schooner is still afloat even though it has been stormy on and off. My WW did speak to the OM at work. Apparently he was not too keen to do so. I re-exposed, this time to his parents. We live in a small town and word gets around �he told his friends about it and word got back to WW.

Since then, no contact. The WW still does not really regret having hurt me. In my heart I have resigned myself to the possibility that plan B is still ahead.

A new friend of hers remarked to her that she sees that WW has been cold and heartless for a long time and is only now becoming a better person. I agree, there have been slow changes for the better.

If only she were not such a head-turner. It�s unfair that anybody pushing 45 should look fifteen years younger � it all just serves to feed her super ego.

This is a slow process � I don�t really know at what point I can say that the affair is really over. Withdrawal is definitely over, but she is not fully committed.

Any advice on how to go on from here?

Best regards,
Schooner

Schooner, is she still working with the OM?



Ending the A is half the battle. The next is following a recovery plan, which Dr Harley says is a narrow one and that any deviations will be disastrous. She needs to agree to be transparent, implement EPs and work on rebuilding the M with you, spending 15+ hrs a week together meeting ENs, etc. If she will not do these things, then you should move to Plan B.

Melody has recently talked to stretch about this exact issue, how to approach his WW, etc, so I recommend you read his thread, the last few pages.

Here is the thread I referenced:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2469812&page=50

Scroll down to Melody's post on 6/3 and the exchange that continues for the next page or so.

Hi SusieQ,

Thanks for the thread, it strikes home.

To answer your previous question about working with the OM, yes, she went back to work last Friday and has since seen him a few times.

Although he hasn't even acknowledged her, she is back to wondering why he doesn't want to act "decently" with her, meaning why can't they be friends like they used to before it went PA.

My LB is empty. I have told her that this is now over. My health has taken a dive this week with severe stomach pains. Without the AD's I'd be much worse.

Her only advice is to try to get over it - it shouldn't be such a big deal.

All I really want now is to be rid of her.

So much for 7 months of plan A.

Sincerely, Schooner

7 months of plan A then I'd say plan B time being you have decided your done. You have plan A'd one month more then usually recommended.

WW refuses to go NC and leave her job.

Did you Plan B yet?

Please advise!

I have reached the point where I know in my gut that it is time for plan B, starting today.

My WW gets called back to work as a temp and is now in her second week. Even though the OM is overtly hostile to her, he is playing games with her, knowing how much she wants him.

Last Friday I called her managaer and exposed the affair to him, adding that her continued employment is a strain on our marriage. The OM works for a different company and is not under the same jurisdiction. The manager understood but added that WW is needed.

Yesterday WW openly admitted that she does have strong desires to be with OM. In spite of all this, she realises that I am the one she wishes to be married to and she regrets what she has gotten herself into.

My intention is to move out today - I know it is against everything that has been said to me - but in my opinion it will have the greatest effect. Now she will have to cope with all the problems of living in a large house.

I love my wife, but am prepared to never see her again. This morning, after fond hugs, I watched her cycle away and realised that as long as she entertains thoughts of sharing her body with somebody else, I really want no part of it.

Should plan B end up in divorce, I do not want to be stuck with this house. I have already removed my finances by taking out a second mortgage and should we divorce, will gladly allow her to take complete ownership, mortgage and all.

Unfortunately this decision to plan B came a bit suddenly and I will seek temporary quarters and only pick up the rest of my belongings later.

Of course, I am hoping that two things will occur in my absence:

1. Her employment is terminated (better still the OM is fired) and
2. She begins to pursue me.

I have come to realise that she has not had to do a single thing to end the affair - it is now up to her make good.

If the vets are in complete disagreement with my intended plan, please post as soon as possible because I am already in the process of moving out.

Best regards as always,
Schooner

No, you do not move out. That is the way men lose custody.