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NLF, I am not trying to scare you and I have no idea what state you are in. I also do not know much of the legalities. But OW H allowed her to move out of there house and into a rental close by - against the advice of his lawyer; 2 months later she moved them an hour and a half away and into my house. She was able to do this behind her husbands back and without his consent since they did not have a formal custody agreement or legal separation in place. It has been shown that he is the more stable parent, but the courts are still pushing shared parenting. And now he is forced to only having them every other weekend; he tries to spend at least one evening with them during the week, taking them out to dinner. This is pretty hard on him due to the distance and a hectic work schedule.
So just be sure that you are working with a great lawyer and get formal agreements in writing. OW H made the mistake of thinking that she would be agreeable to working things out in the best interest of the kids. She has not and is using them against him. He also does not want to upset the kids and it is starting to take a toll on them. He oldest who is 8 wants to move back with his father but will not stand up to his mother because he knows she will make his life crap.
Waywards may say they are looking out for their kids but everything they do is based solely in selfishness.
You have my prayers.
Me:BW Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10 3DstepChildren24&20 PlanA:01/03/10 PlanB:03/25/10 D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Thank you! I didn't allow WH to move out.... he just left. He said I forced him out. Uh, I would like to know how he was forced out? B/c he lied to me for mos? B/c he abused me mentally and verbally? B/c he was having an affair that I wouldn't put up with? Yeah, WWs say a lot of stupid stuff to justify what they do. I am setting a court date to determine custody (and no, joint custody is not up for negotiation), child support and maintenance, and use of the house. He doesn't want the house obviously b/c I have been told he is moving in with skankilicious. He has hardly helped with anything around here for months. He mowed a few times and fixed a few things.... he seems to think he did a lot more... but he didn't. After about September, he didn't attempt to do anything. I am thankful for my fabulous neighbors who have helped shovel and snowblow my driveway since I messed up my shoulder. I am sure he is helping take care of her house.... he doesn't do anything to help with the care of his children.
It becomes more and more obvious just how self-centered waywards are in their actions of the affair. I know that WH SAYS that he only wants what is best for the kids and they are his #1 priority. If that was the case, then he wouldn't be making his kids stay the night at her house all weekend. Also, if he was thinking about the boys back in the spring, he would not have gotten involved in an affair. That's just it.... waywards #1 priority are THEMSELVES. And, because of this, they allow themselves to get into affairs. It is because THEY aren't happy or getting what THEY want.... so they look elsewhere. Instead of looking at the fact that they aren't contributing or investing in the marriage to make things better, they go outside. My son just told that WH told him that he has loved OW as long as he's loved me. (We were together for 7 yrs before she even entered our picture.) I find this hard to believe that he "loved her" for that long bc for a long time, he talked aobut all these things about her that he didn't like about her, disagreed with, etc. I guess this is common to justify what he's been saying about his affair.
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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They have a status hearing scheduled for our divorce on the 31st. Anyone know what this is? Obviously, I don't want the divorce but my WH seems to think this is what he wants and I just don't know what else to do. Is it time to give up or do I just keep going on with Plan B? HELP! I am at the point of basically mental exhaustion.....
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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Hi Neverlosefaith- Ask you atty but I think it is just to tell the judge what the status of the divorce is and how the kids are. I am in IL too, live if the suburbs and basically in the same boat as you are. I am 1/2 way thru your thread. I am interested in hearing about the conference you were planning on going to. Did you go? Would you be willing to tell me more about it?
Last edited by kartoread; 01/14/11 04:43 PM.
BW (Me) age 41 WH age 40 kids 9 & 3 DD PA Skank #1 2/07 DD PA Skank #2 9/29/10 DD EA Skank #3 3/11 (occurred in '08)not sure if it was PA Plan A- presently 9/2/11 Plan D- filed 12/20/11, served 12/24/11, 9/2/11 on hold, 12/1/11 cancelled 1/5/2011 WH tells me he is not 100% sure his relationship with OW would work. 7/21/2011 WH moves back home 11/7/2011 WH still foggy in ref to SK#3 Plan D- 1/2012 refiled
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Karto.... you can send me a message on here and I would be more than happy to fill you in on the conference I am talking about. The guys that I have talked about it with are fabulous and very helpful.... willing to help you with anything. If your private messages are disabled, go into mystuff (I think) and enable it again and shoot me a message.
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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Hi nlf- I just tried to send you a private message but it appears that you are not set up to receive them. send me a note when you are set up and then we could touch base. Thanks, kar
BW (Me) age 41 WH age 40 kids 9 & 3 DD PA Skank #1 2/07 DD PA Skank #2 9/29/10 DD EA Skank #3 3/11 (occurred in '08)not sure if it was PA Plan A- presently 9/2/11 Plan D- filed 12/20/11, served 12/24/11, 9/2/11 on hold, 12/1/11 cancelled 1/5/2011 WH tells me he is not 100% sure his relationship with OW would work. 7/21/2011 WH moves back home 11/7/2011 WH still foggy in ref to SK#3 Plan D- 1/2012 refiled
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Plan B going well!! Staying dark.... no direct contact with him since he showed up Wednesday evening. Ds drew a picture for his dad that had OW's house on it and my inlaws. He drew WH, and both DSs at inlaws, indicating he does NOT want to go to OWs house and wants to be at inlaws while WH is there. He asked me to write some things on the paper for him (like a letter) so I did. It was very eye opening as to what he was feeling. I had to ask him a few probing questions but he opening up fairly well for being so young. We drove by Ows house yesterday on our way out of town and DS said, there's ow house and I am NOT going there ever again. And, I hope my dad doesn't move there. We sent the picture on Friday and he should have gotten it yesterday.
Any other suggestions to what I am doing? Any ideas to clear the fog??
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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Stay on your dark plan B path; I don't think there is any easy way to bring a wayward out of the fog. It certainly will not happen completely and instantaneously. A BS posted a letter on the site that they had given to their WW. I will have to go to my computer to copy and paste it for you. But definitely get the advice of the vets, I am not sure what the response would be to sending a letter like that while you are in plan B. Hugs and prayers.
Me:BW Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10 3DstepChildren24&20 PlanA:01/03/10 PlanB:03/25/10 D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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NLF, here is the letter. I actually think it might have been posted by a FWS who said reading this helped to lift the fog. Testimony of a Fool
As I sit here in my retirement home reminiscing about years gone by, I hope you listen to what I say, and this is the reason why. You see, when I was a young dad with a family of my own, I was too blind to see the things in life that mattered the most, just one day might be gone.
I was forty-five years old, had been married most all my life. I had two teenage children, a lovely home, along with a faithful wife. But my life became so boring with the same things happening each day. Sex grew so monotonous, my lust seemed to slip away.
My wife, once my lover, became my best friend. I grew to love her more like a sister, or so I thought back then. Lustful thoughts began invading my once faithful mind. My wandering eyes became more wandering, most all the time.
I justified my actions,, for my wife just couldn't see, I felt it was her fault, what was happening to me. She was so involved with our young boy and girl, felt she didn't understand me, nor did she include me in her world.
She was always doing for others and somehow neglecting me. How could she have been so blind to what was happening to me what was happening to us.
When I reached out in lust and followed it through, there was nothing in this world that my wife could do, for I'd found the "love of my life", a one of a kind, or so I thought.
My new wife was a looker, sexy and lean. She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. But shortly after we married she tried to make me over, and that's when I knew that the honeymoon was over.
Oh how the years seemed to slowly slip away. I thought about my first wife and children every day. I could almost smell the biscuits as I'd crawl out of bed, but now all that lay beside me was an aging sleepy head.
My first wife is now married to a jewel of a man, I'm told. He spoils her and cherishes her, and now he's growing old, with the woman that I love.
My children, when they have time, come around every now and then, but I can't help but reminisce what my life just might have been, had I stayed home like I should have.
Now I'm old and all alone, living out my life in an old retirement home. My second wife died and my children don't seem to care, for they are now enjoying the dad who was always there.
Oh, if I could live my life all over again, I wouldn't have been as selfish as I'd been back then. I would now love my wife for being a wonderful mother, and respect her and cherish her as my only lover.
But all these things just cannot be, for now it's just too late for me. But as for yourself you'd better think twice, should you ever want to leave your wife.
For some things can never be the same, and I only have myself to blame.
Now my days are numbered, and I'm still alone. I pray that God forgives me as I sit here, in my retirement home. Hope this helps.
Me:BW Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10 3DstepChildren24&20 PlanA:01/03/10 PlanB:03/25/10 D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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WOW! That is sooooooooooooooo powerful! Thanks so much.... I see so much truth in it. I will probably send it in a few weeks after he's had some time to absorb plan b. My kids haven't seen their father in almost a week and haven't ONCE asked to call him or when they are going to see him. I don't foresee this changing much either. He calls about as much as he did over the summer.... difference is now he can't come see them and come and go as he pleases. He wanted control and have his cake and eat it too. Now, I have taken that away and regained control of my life and the house that is now mine. I hope that he is seeing that life isn't going to be what he thought. Not seeing his own kids when he pleases, being just a part time dad, and ultimately having her kids around all the time when they aren't with their own father. Maybe that's what he wants; maybe he just wants to be able to live the life of a single dating man. If that's the case, then he is about as immature as a college kid. If this is true, the boys and I will be in a better place in a long run without him. In the mean time, I will stay dark I guess and hope that maybe he will realize what he needs to do in life.
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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Hey, NLF! It's Magsmom from the other forum! Just wanted to say hi!
Me: BS 32 WH: 32 DD: 10 months ILYBNILWY: August Bomb of PA: September WH left: October WH filed for Divorce: November Me: Still fighting
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HEY! How are you doing?? Send me a message when you get a chance.
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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how do I send you a private message on here?
Me: BS 32 WH: 32 DD: 10 months ILYBNILWY: August Bomb of PA: September WH left: October WH filed for Divorce: November Me: Still fighting
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I'll go to the other forum and send you my email.
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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JUST VENTING.....
So my intermediary received an email from WH this evening (she said 505). She said he wants the kids tomorrow night AND thurs bc he was "denied" visitation last week. Uh...... again... gave him the Plan b letter that stated that Wednesday nights do NOT work and he STILL showed up on my front step. He once again is making demands less than 24 hours in advance of when he wants to pick up the children. So, told him no tuesday but he may have them thurs. I have the drop off and pick up persons lined up.
He must think that I am just going to bend over backwards for him.
Also, my son informed me tonight that WH and Ow frequently "make out" in front of him and the other kids. seriously..... oh my. disgusting. Someone... BURST HIS BUBBLE.
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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how do I send you a private message on here? Private messages cannot be sent on this board. The PM function has been disabled.
BW Married 1989 His PA 2003-2006 2 kids.
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You need to let your IM know that she needs to filter those messages a little bit better. If you want, you can have her email me at Scotty.mb@hotmail.com I will email her back an example of how to filter.
You shouldn't have known what time your WH messaged her. You also shouldn't have known that your WH wanted visitation because he was denied last week. What did that do to you when you found out? Made you mad right? That is one of the things you want to avoid.
See, having kids, you will hear enough unnecessary info so you need to get yourself an IM that will do a great job at filtering.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Actually, when she said that he was denied visitation, I LAUGHED!!! I basically said, there he goes again... twisting it to suit his needs. BS! He knew darn well that I told him wednesday wouldn't work! Oh well.... I asked her what time he emailed b/c she said that he wanted the kids tomorrow evening. I said, let me guess... 24 hours notice or less? She's been doing a good job. If he said any other bs... she kept that out. I will give her your email Scotty so that way you could give her some tips. Thanks... appreciate it.
anyone done Plan b in my shoes and then have their spouse pull their head out of their [censored] and come home??? We are going on 10 months of this total affair, and almost 7 mos of him gone... My counselor said to me today that most men when they get to this point most likely NEVER recover and this is how they remain. Protecting myself and the kids seems to be about the only thing I can do at this point now I guess. I doubt he will ever come home and I have to kinda deal with that possibility.
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This WH is PERSISTENT! So, i am supposed to be in plan b. However, DH called this morning and I did NOT answer the phone; I let the machine answer. He was calling on his way to work (must be a new trend of late as usual). What in the heck is it going to take for him to get what it means to have NC?! Is he still at the point where he is trying to have his cake and eat it too? I am not keeping the kids from him.... he just needs to realize that HE does not make the rules and I have been trying to work with him in the past. However, his actions have shown that it has very much been all about him and only interested in the kids when it's convenient for him.
Is this normal? Am I doing what I am supposed? I can't block his phone numbers, only not answer.
Married 7, Separated summer 2010
me, BW: 31 WH: 31
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I can't block his phone numbers, only not answer. One thing, while I'm thinking about it: Did you record a greeting on your machine, or are you using a factory-equipped standard greeting? If you've put a personalized greeting on the machine, take it off and revert to the pre-recorded greeting that came with the machine. Your WH may be getting 'something' from hearing your voice. Don't meet that need.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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