Wow..never thought I would be posting here again. Ha ha. I used to be a member back in 2002 when I was going through my divorce with my XWH. I did not want the divorce at the time. I had two young boys, aged 5 and 6 at the time. They are now two very well adjusted teenagers aged 14 and 15. I have remarried to a wonderful man in 2004. He is a great husband and stepfather. He was also a BS who is very attentive to my emotional needs. My Xh and the OW married in 2005 and everyone seemingly has moved on.....but me. I still dream of XH. I still think of him daily, and it doesn't help that in the past few years that XH has been extremely nice to me, and talks to me often. Last weekend he even invited me to stay and spend time with him and our kids during his time with them. (I declined) I am curious...is this normal? To have these deep feelings? Btw his new wife (our OW) never accompanies him anywhere, which to me is strange.

Hi countrygirl. I'm too new to know your story, but there are a couple of things that stand out to me.

I'm guessing the two boys are yours and your WxH? If not, I wonder why you continue to have contact with him?

This reeks of his Affairage falling apart. I read this as he trying to reach out to you as a fall-back because he sees his not-so-glamorous lifestyle beginning to fade.

You were smart to not take him up on his offer! My personal take on this is that if you can find some way to phase out all contact with him (limiting contact due to child raising issues), you'll find yourself thinking of him much, much less.

Good luck. It's the weekend, so traffic is slow. The vets will come aboard and respond soon.

Thanks for input. Yes, the children belong to the two of us. He usually comes back to his parents' house (they live 5 minutes from me, but over an hour away from him and new wife). In the first few years of our divorce, he kept conversation to a minimum and would seem to want to get away as quickly as he could. Now, he calls my phone to speak to the boys and I give it to them to answer to talk to him. Inevitably, he "needs" to speak to me...usually for something simple like time and place to meet for his weekend visit with them. He is always very nice and goes over and beyond to accommodate me with meeting times for his visitation, etc. The problem is, I have always deeply loved him, even when he was very emotionally abusive when the affair was going on. We were HS sweethearts, and we were married for 12 years. (I was 20 when we got married) Both of us completed college degrees and had the boys before he had an EA which turned into a PA with a coworker who was also married at the time. She also divorced, and now the two of them are married. Anyway, not meaning to ramble, but I was completely devastated when we divorced. Now, years later, I love my new husband dearly, but I cannot quit thinking of my ex. Is this normal behavior for me? I even dreamed last night that he wanted me back, and I accepted. This scares me, because it makes me think my unconscious desire is to be with him. And while he has never broached the subject, his behavior recently makes me wonder if he will. I guess im asking for advice how to handle this.

IMO, his new marriage is on the rocks and he is naturally gravitating back to you. Since you are both in new marriages, I'd suggest that you go as low contact as possible with your Ex.

Frankly, it's not good for your current marriage for you to focus like this on your former husband. My WstbXH was emotionally/psychologically/verbally abusive. I rarely think of him, and our divorce isn't even final yet.

You need to change all communication to email, and if possible have your current husband drop the kids off so that you don't see your former husband. Do the kids have their own phone? He needs to call them on that phone, not on yours. If they don't have one, they are old enough now and you need to get them one to share.

Your XH has proven himself to be abusive and unfaithful. You don't want to go back to that. You are probably only remembering the good times. Take a few minutes to remember what he was like during the A. He'll have another one because he is that kind of person.

Your WXH is looking for a new affair partner. Don't be that person.

Kirby, reading your signature made me smirk a little bit....because MY ExH and the OW were "workout buddies" Funny now that they are married, neither are members of the gym that they both needed so much to be a part of at the time.

Your advice makes sense. Both boys do have phones, and he has called them but generally still needs to talk to me anyway. Too, there are times both boys don't have their phones nearby, or the batteries are dead. Also it seems the more I try to cut contact, the more he "needs" to see me. He has recently been asking about my family and said he has always loved them. (They do not speak to him) He even told me he had a dream about my grandfather (who is still living and who he was close to while we were married). In his dream he said he was just sitting and talking to him. He said that even when he woke up and realized it was a dream, he was happy all morning long. Is this common behavior?

Your comment about him wanting to continue his WS ways, with me turning into the OW made me stop and think. I have always been proud of my faithfulness character trait. I definitely would not want to compromise my values.
I will have as little contact as possible. I do know that for my part, it is not fair to my new husband for me to focus this much attention on him. I just don't know how to stop the thoughts.

Cheaters lie. Do you think he was telling the truth about having that dream or was it a lie? Do you REALLY think a dream about someone who refuses to speak to him made him happy all morning long? Or was that another lie?

You asked if this is common behavior. Umm, telling lies to get in a woman's pants is a very common behavior for cheaters.

I guess I'm cynical, but I think the OW is probably now a WW and he's looking for a back up plan.

You need to stop taking his calls and only communicate through email. There's no reason for you to even get out of the car at drop-off. Make sure the kids' phones are charged at all times. When your son says that Dad "needs" to talk to you, tell him Dad needs to send an email.

You have a long history with this dude and I think you are highly vulnerable to him. The less contact you have, the less you will think about him.

Actually about the family and the dream, I DO think he is being truthful. He seems very remorseful and seems to want to connect with the past. Both boys have said that he mentions both if my grandparents who are still living and asks them how they are. He saw my brother in law recently and had not seen him since 2002 (sister and brother n law were just teenagers dating then) and he talked about how good it was to see him, what a good man he had turned out to be, blahblah. I have always been nice to him through it all for the sake of my boys. But you are probably right about the fact that I am vulnerable when it comes to him. It was easier to remember the bad bad times when he wasn't being so nice and remorseful acting. New hubby treats me so well, that I feel very guilty thinking of x like I do. I need to air our my feelings, but could not do it verbally to anyone I know because I would hate for new hubby to hear how much x is still lurking in my head.

Have you told your husband about this? I mean the dreams about the exH, about the invite to spend a weekend with him, etc?

AGG

Welcome, Countrygirl. Yes, it's normal to have feelings for your X. I would be surprised if you didn't. This is a person who figures very large in your life. His extra contacts with you have stirred emotions deep within you.

I suspect that some of the fog is lifting. He's starting to look at reality and is realizing that he screwed up. He also realizes that he can't un-ring the bell. I think he's being warmer to you to make himself feel better, less guilty.

@AGG-- no I haven't told my husband of my dream (I guess I felt that since I dreamt that unconsciously and had no control over it that it would not be a good reason to hurt him) And the invite wasn't to spend the weekend, just some time with him and the boys in a public atmosphere. Maybe it was just a kind gesture, but as I was leaving, he called out my name and invcited me to stay with them. His new W wasn't there. I DID tell my husband about this, though. He thinks my X has regrets and has feelings for me. I just don't want this discussion of old marriage to hurt new marriage. I love my new hubby dearly, but it is in a different (probably healthier) way than I loved my X. My X was my first date, kiss, etc and I had no experiences with any other relationship except him before we married. We dated 5 years (I was 15-20) before we married. I've known him now for 25 years, the past 8 of which as an X.

Maritalbliss, I think you are right. And the fact that it is stirring up old feelings is bothering me. How do I go ahead and move past the hold he has on me?

It should bother you. As long as you are harboring feelings for your ex it will interfere with complete intimacy in your M.

I would suggest that you eliminate any contact with your ex. How do you exchange the kids? You need to set up a system where he picks up the kids without either of you seeing each other or speaking to each other.

You need to eliminate all contact with your ex.

I would also suggest you talk to your H about your feelings and ask him to help you come up with a solution to the pickup/dropoff for the kids.

Yes I know in my head you are so right. I made a conscious decision when we divorced that I would not allow one person to make me feel bad for the rest of my life. So I decided I would move on and find self worth within myself and to never allow anyone to treat me as he did. I suppose deep down I would feel validated if he WERE to break down, apologize for what he did, and want what we had back, but I KNOW that even if I were single that I could never go back to what he put me through. But there are deep feelings that make me afraid that if he ever did that I would be sucked back in. I have always been attracted to him, and to the Christian man he USED to be. But my head knows he is NOT that person. I promise I have never had internal conflict like this before, and no one (not even my best girl friend) has a clue.

Our oldest DS is 15 and will soon have his license. While I wont allow him to drive the 60 miles to their house right away, I will allow him to drive the 5 mile drive to my ex in laws' house. I suppose more distance is what I need. Husband is out of town usually when they are dropped off, so that isn't an option.

After thinking about several of yall's posts, I realize what you are saying (grin) No contact in this case means that I could possibly turn into a WW and become the OW in his marriage! Ha ha. I know it isn't funny, but how ironic that I must seem to be playing with the same fire that burned me 8 years ago.

New perspective. I get it. The no contact is to prevent me from screwing up the happiness that I have found in my new life. Smooth...lol. actually I have NO desire to cheat on my husband with my X. But expressing these thoughts on this forum have allowed me to realize that I could get into a dangerous web if I continued to allow X to continue to try to re-enter my life.

Thanks for the lightbulb moment.

And the less contact you have with him the easier it will be to put him out of your head. When thoughts of him pop into your head call your husband. Or text him. Be proactive in putting your husband first. You and your dh both deserve that.

Countrygirl, the reason I asked is that we all know that nothing kills a marriage and intimacy faster than dishonesty and lies. And I don't just mean lies of commission, I also mean lies of omission, which is something that Harley warns us about. Hence his policy of Radical Honesty.

I think you need to do two things - one, distance yourself as much as you can from your X. He is not a friend of your marriage at this point. Two, clue your new H into the situation. True, your dreams are beyond your control, but he deserves to know. If he is a smart man, he will appreciate your honesty with him. And that will increase the intimacy in your marriage.

AGG

Hi CG, It's been awhile since I've posted here as well, but I still remember the great advice I've learned. And a piece of that was having little to no contact with ex's. That is if you want to protect your marriage. That can definitely be dangerous territory. So, your ex's behavior is not uncommon. Affairs start this way all the time.

It does make sense. To begin with I figured the NC advice was to help me get over him, but now I get it....NC not only will help me get through these feelings, but also will keep me from falling deeper into his trap and making a mistake that at this point I don't see as an option. But these dormant feelings are probably red flags that need to be addressed. My ENs are very much met by new husband. He is very attentive and has given me a good life. So at this point I know that I am able to walk away from ex with no hesitation. But I also see how affairs can easily begin if one isn't having ENs satisfied. And me as an OW? Nope...ain't gonna happen. Im faithful....a friend even once said I was faithful to a fault...if that is possible. I do need to limit contact with ex, though, because I can see that while I have no evil intentions, as long as I have the slightest feelings for him there is a risk of being stupid...like if hubby and I were to have an argument (which rarely happens). Selfishly, though, I still would like to hear the apology and that the other side of the fence was full of manure. I suppose that is the main reason I went along with the talking and contact in the first place--in hopes of having the opportunity to turn HIM down.

You are placing your M in a very risky place by flirting with this danger, countrygirl. Close that door tight.

There is a fallacy that many people believe - and that's the one where apparently faithful people could never find themselves being unfaithful. This can't be further from the truth. I've read so many posts from waywards (and betrayeds) where the wayward was previously devout/faithful/completely oriented to their home and family, and then BOOM! they throw all of that away to engage in an affair.

Everyone is wired to have an A. Please don't delude yourself by believing that it couldn't happen to you.

He'll never apologize. He'll never tell you that he traded down. You'll never get the satisfaction from him. But that's okay because from my reading on this forum it seems to be a universal fact that the OW is "less than" the BW.

Also, IMO, if you go NC with your WXH now, it will feel to him like you've turned him down. Because, also IMO, he's looking for another A. Just shut him out. You'll have your revenge without saying a word.

I absolutely agree with this sentiment.

NC is not only for shutting the other person out, but in my opinion, is one of the chief tools for personal recovery.

I don't want reminders of broken bones, lousy jobs or other hurtful experiences in my life. Why would I want constant reminders of the person who torpedoed our marriage?