Who would be paying for it? If it's out of her money i would do it - to put some credits in her love bank.

Well she scrapped wanted to look at the truck because its not a manual.

We also had a fight. Kinda the first of our marriage, and she was on the attack the whole time, trying to do as much damage as she could. The focus was mostly on how I had never listened, or tried. Its only "now that I don't want to try" that I am wanting to work on the marriage. The fight was caused when she accused me of taking money from her private account, which I hadn't. It progressed to cover a whole gamut of things. And ended it by removing me and my entire family from her facebook and then saying she was going to close our joint account.

It seems noone really replies here anymore, and all my friends say "dude its over, just move on."

When is it over? When do I stop trying?

Hello Woot,

Why did you not post the outcome of the meeting with her supervisor, 1st Seargeant and her commander that you said was going to happen on Friday following your post on January 19th?

Did you not go?

If you are not working on killing the affair you have a VERY difficult row to hoe, my friend.

They should not be in the same unit and if it costs her her military career so be it.

Did you at one time mention you had a friend in her unit that could keep you updated?

Jim

Her commander, first seargant, and supervisor have refused to speak to me because my own commander submitted paperwork about it and they are treating it as a legal matter and to quote them "we should not be talking, because you are not our troop."

The friend that I had, is no longer there.

Her Mom has said to me "I want you two to remain married, but I'm not going to take sides. I'm going to stay out of it." (I can see where my wife gets her tendancy to ignore and run from problems)

I feel pretty hopeless.

Woot,

It sounds like your WW is mad.

Really mad.

You said it was your first really big fight.

Wonder why all at once she's mad?

Could it be because she is being investigated and has lost her OM's attentions under their investigation?

I believe under the Privacy Act of 1974 her commanders and even yours cannot give you information about the investigation or even her punishment without her permission. I am not military and will stand corrected if I am mistaken.

This may be the end of her A and she may be pi$$ed off about it.

Good.

At least if the A is ending you have a chance. With her coming home in about a month or so you will have a little time to see if you can't get her mom and friends to see the light. Remind her mom that you don't want her to take sides...

You want her to support the marriage.

Keep doing your Plan A until you know for sure which way the wind is blowing. It may start to have an effect if the OM is out of the way.

God bless.

Jim

Woot, I am sorry that you feel unheard and ignored by the board. Sometimes, it's just the case that anyone who has read your sitch, doesn't know what to say to you.

When do you give up? When you feel like you have done EVERYTHING that you could to save your marriage so you can move on without any regrets.

Sometimes, when you are going through this process, you re-evaluate what you are doing and question what it is that you are doing and doubt your plans.

My advice, stay in Plan A, until it is time to move to Plan B(pick a date) and then get the peace that Plan B can bring.

So, in Plan A, that argument should NOT have happened. You DON'T engage a wayward.

Read up on love busters and make sure you don't commit any. Don't cross into the realm of Plan Doormat and you will be fine.

Plan A isn't easy, in some ways, Plan B is harder, and I have been told that recovery is harder still. Have you been taking care of yourself? How do you release your stress?

Jim, I don't even know if it was me or her that started the fight. She is very manipulative and knows what buttons to push to get me going, so she could have done that. I don't know. I wasn't looking for a fight, but it definitely escalated and it takes two to do that.

I have a large doubt that the statement has made it to her commander down range. Just in my military career experience it seems like no one ever actually follows through when they say they will do that. And if it had made it there and she was in fact getting trouble for it, wouldn't she yell at me for it?

No, I haven't been taking care of myself.
I haven't been eating, my house is an utter mess, I have very little money after I bought her and I bicycles. (I also had to replace my car windshield, pay for tickets/hotel/clothes for a funeral, register 3 vehicles this month, etc).

The marriage counselor that I see I had a meeting with yesterday that I didn't want to go to, because I hadn't done anything that she had asked. I pretty much felt like I was a failure and I was wasting her time if I wasn't doing what she asked, she however got really concerned about how bad my depression has become.

Thanks guys.

You NEED to care of yourself FIRST. If you don't take care of yourself, you are going to suffer in the long term. Also, after you do something, like exercise, you will actually feel better.

So how are you going to take care of yourself TODAY? What are you going to do to help take away some of your stress?

Woot,

Couple of things you should be doing in your Plan A that might help with your feeling down.

1. If you don't have a membership to a gym, get one. It fulfills the need of working out stress and it also gives you the chance to get out of the house for a change of scenery. Remember to guard your boundaries regarding female companionship. Get the manager of the club to snap a few pics of you having a blast working out.

You want to appear attractive to your W and truthfully it doesn't hurt for her to see you are getting out WITHOUT her and enjoying yourself. Send her the pics in a care package. Care packages are GREAT because its all Plan A with no chance of love-busting.

Avoid all negative talk for right now.

Same thing with the bike. Keep hers in pristine unused condition either as a present or as a return. Remember that right now you are in Plan A and if needed later in Plan B, NOT Plan Stupid by starting up your own affair.

2.Get out with male friends or family members to eat. Try volunteering at a community center or hospital. Doing things for others is an excellent feel good and leads to making more friends. People like people who think about others. Do things that you plan on doing when your W gets home NOW and make it a lifestyle change which will make it easier to continue when she gets home.

3. Post here often and ask for suggestions and let us know how things are going.

God bless.

Jim

Also, clean up the house and have some friends over!
It makes a world of difference in your mood being a host to others and being in orderly surroundings!

Its really pathetic, but what I'm sturggling with is getting the motivation to even clean the house up. I get home, and fall asleep. Wake up, go to work, and get my one meal a day in for lunch.

I know this isn't healthy, and I'm trying to get out of it, but every time I go home I just feel like plopping down and sleeping. Work is even suffering, I showed up an hour and a half late yesterday, and the only reason I'm not in serious trouble is that my boss is aware of what I'm going through.

I'm a mess. I know I am, and that brings me even further down. I'm aware that I need to be healthy and someone she wants to be with if I'm to bring her back. I would hate for her to come home and see me. I need to break this funk, but I've been trying for a long time and it seems to be getting worse.

Woot, are you taking any anti-depressants? Go see a doctor. ADs are a very necessary part of my recovery. My doctor explained to me that this was not a sign of a mental deficiency on my part but just the very understandable depression that comes with the stress of my WH's adultery.

It took a couple of tries to get on the right AS for me (Celexa) but I am doing much better most of the time. I bottomed out earlier this week and called my doctor yesterday to get my AD dosage increased.

Take care of YOU--get to a doctor ASAP.

You are not pathetic. You are normal. We've all been there. Fake it till you make it, bro. I know it sounds silly. But you gotta force yourself... FORCE yourself. Stop thinking, start doing. Numbly put shorts and a t shirt on. Numbly put gym shoes on. Numbly go to the gym, numbly lift a woefully small amount of weight, but DO it. You'll be surprised at how it passes the time and how, once you're there, you can go through the motions just fine and it makes you feel better. See? You're ok. Your limbs still work, your muscles still work.

I'm sorry I haven't read your whole thread--but, friends and family. Do you have any whose house you can go to? Just to play some video games, or grab some food? For the first month I think the ONLY time I ate was when I was with my friends, and they put food in front of me. I was surprised at how my normally unsupportive loved ones went out of their way to take care of me.

Go for a drive. Go for a walk. Doesn't matter where you go, just go. Take some vitamins. Call (male) friends you haven't seen for a while. If you're actually sleeping well one morning, call in sick to work that day and sleep until 1 PM--you have an excuse. Don't feel bad. Use it. I think you're in the worst part of it now, after the shock wears off but before the healing... do anything you can to take care of yourself. Vent to us.

Most of all, breathe. You will get through the next minute, the next 10 minutes, and the next hour. I promise.

Anti-depressants are a battle for me. One I'm actually having right now with my mother over the phone as I am typing this. I so strongly believe that we are over medicated as a society and blame everything else for our problems. I have refused them up to this point because I felt like I wanted to fix the problem, not make the symptoms go away. But my therapist pushed really hard this past Thursday for me to use them. Then you said that, then my Mom is yelling at me to use them (she is very anti medication). So it looks like I'm making a call on Mon to get some.

Thanks for the encouragement StuckWaiting. Wish I had friends like yours. Lol.

Today I got the tax refund in, and put her portion into the joint account, as well as $200 extra that I had charged to our credit card which she had paid off and was a point of conflict in our argument. I told her that I hadn't asked her to pay it off, and that I would take care of it. So I did.

She sent me an email stating that she had tried to close the accounts, but they had to remain inactive for 24hrs before they could be closed, then asked why I had put money into them. I told her it was her tax refund, and the money for the credit card. She thanked me. Then I asked if we could keep the account open and she said she'd rather not. Then we had the following conversation about 20 minutes ago:


I am really really confused.
Why would she only now ask if I could forgive her? I'm 99% sure she is still running away, so why would she ask that? It actually brought me to tears, and it confuses the hell out of me.

My answer is that I can easily forgive you if you work on it, like come to counseling and whatnot. But I haven't said that yet. Like why would I try so hard for so long if I couldn't forgive you?

My Mom and I talked for a while about what could cause her to ask that, and she brought up that as Julie and I were fighting, she said people kept interrupting her and were talking about taking her gun away. It didn't even click then, but if they were considering that, they probably sent her to mental health. Ie. a psychologist or psychiatrist. In the military, these people are also trained as marriage counselors. Could this be the result of her finally talking to someone?

If not that, what would make her ask that? What should I make of this?
I'm scared of this phone call.

Well she called and it didn't go well.

She was looking for "Its ok what you did." and I was looking for "Let's just go talk to a counselor and spend some time together when you return." Neither happened.

She said she wants to find her own place when she gets back, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to spend any time with me. She said she doesn't want to talk to anyone.

She said "What you're doing right now, is hurting worse than anything you did in the past." referring to how I have exposed it to her friends and family, and I continually ask them to guide her to seeing a counselor with me.

She said "You keep saying you've been working on the marriage, and I don't see how you have." as well as saying that in past relationships the guy would say things will be different, and then they will be for about a month, then go right back to the way they were.

One month until she returns. What the hell can I do?

Woot,

You have been reading threads of others that exposed and what we told them to expect after exposure...

Your WW may have just took a big hit from her commanding officers following the exposure to them and was probably told by THEM to knock it off...

hence the elimination of "Supa Dave" on her facebook and being told to leave her alone...

and how you have "ruined everything" blah....blah....blah...

She doesn't have her toy anymore and she's mad...

You knew what to expect.

Why are you suprised?

What she SAYS she's going to do and what she actually DOES are two completely different things.

Almost EVERY WS says it's over after exposure. Most of the time it's not.

Keep Plan A going as long as you can, see your doc for antidepressants and work on YOU also as much as you can.

Do not make anything easy for her to do as far as enabling her moving out or separating.

Work on reinventing Woot into the man any woman would be proud to be with i.e. working out, dress well, getting the house in shape and getting out with friends and family. Make sure you mention to her (and her mom) all the things you are doing to be a better H.

Jim

How do I know if she's just mad that her toy is gone, or I really don't have a chance anymore?

She is canceling the joint bank account/credit card. That's an action. Back in Nov. when I first exposed, she created her own bank account. Now she is canceling our joint one.

How do I deal with her getting back and actively avoiding me?

My biggest fear is not getting a chance. Not getting to take her out on a date, not getting to spend time with her. (Her biggest complaint of our marriage)

Her second biggest complaint is financial issues, I didn't trust her enough to have a real joint account. I always kept my own money separate. Yes, I was wrong. What do I do about this now? I feel that it is still an issue for her, since in the argument she brought it up again.

Its quite tough to focus on improving myself, when I see these glaring problems in our marriage. My drive to fix it, and make things better, is working so hard against me that in the past week I feel like I've done nothing but commit love busters in our conversations. Ugh.

Thanks for the words of wisdom.
Ohh, and one parting question. Why would she ask for forgiveness?

Woot,

She wants you to see how mad she is for exposure...

If she was here she either would have thrown a vase or moved out or gone out to clear her head or whatever she could do to pi$$ you off. She is doing what she can do from a distance to "pay you back" for exposure...

Whatever...

They're all alike.

As far as getting back and avoiding you what are you doing about what I told you to do to "reinvent" yourself into the kind of man any woman would be proud to be with?

The bank accounts are something you can discuss when she gets back. It doesn't sound like right now you have a lot to worry about protecting and it is something she will focus on if you let it become an item of contention.

Have you been sending her the care packages filled with FUN stuff including pictures of you doing FUN stuff with other people that I told you to do?

Contact with her has been ALL HEAVY RELATIONSHIP STUFF hasn't it?

THAT is a turn off for her!!!

You have GOT to appear strong to her and become attractive to her again.

Even if you have to fake it until you really are...

ALL the men that have saved their marriages on MB took a firm stand to their WW.

Women are NOT attracted to wimps.

DO the things to make yourself attractive to your WW so that when she returns she WANTS to check this new guy out that is her H.

Jim

Woot,

You asked about why your WW would ask about forgiveness?

She is testing the waters to see IF it is even possible to recover the M...

That is the sign of someone who is not sure what she wants...

which is good for you.

I would tell her yes and not only would I forgive her but I could promise her an even better M than before if she would agree to work on the M with me by following the MB steps.(IF you can truly forgive her in time with her repentance).

Right now she is just scoping things out to see what her options are...

Make YOURSELF the most attractive option Woot.

God bless.

Jim

Actually up until this past week we haven't talked about the relationship for a good while. I think like a month or so. It was all work/cats/life.

I have been sending her care packages, her last one she got just after valentines day, and she thanked me for it.

As far as re-inviting myself. I am trying, and struggling. Motivation is a factor in it, motivation is almost non-existent due to some depression. I'm fighting it.

I've started seeing a nutritionist to gain some weight and learn how to eat healthy. I'm not at the point where I can eat the full 3500 calories she wants me to eventually be eating, but I'm approaching that. I'm at least eating better.

I did save up and purchase two road bicycles for us. My own I have started riding, and gone on three separate hour long rides since I picked them up this past Friday.

I've started seeking a church. I'm bouncing around at the moment not finding any that I really like. But this morning, a good friend of mine (probably the best friend I have right now) messaged me to go to lunch and I said sure, but I'm going to church. Turns out he overslept and his church didn't have a later service, but really wanted to go to one. Never knew that about this guy, and we have extremely similar views on church. We both went to one, and hated the church, loved the service, but we aren't really down with the whole "Look at me I'm praying" thing. But it was really refreshing to learn that my good friend, also goes to church, and has already found one that sounds exactly like what I wanted. Then we went longboarding.

I have updated my wardrobe a little, but I'm sure my wife will find some negative in that I've been spending money, and she has been sending me money to help with bills.

Now as far as not being a wimp to her? Thats REALLY tough for me. Because, I am. I bend over backwards to her. Every time I stand up a little bit, she starts saying "Its always only what you want" or something along those lines and I end up apologizing. Everyone around me sees it, my own sister calls me out on it. Got any anti-wimp lessons for me? Lol.