Hi all,

I'm new to this site & am hoping for some advice. My husband & I have been married 10 years. We have 3 children, the youngest one (aged 4) has a serious medical condition. He was in hospital & had many surgeries his first 2 years. That, as you can imagine, caused a great deal of stress & financial difficulty.

My husband turned to drinking during this time. He drinks everyday, at least 8 beers. It's been a bone of contention. He did admit he has a problem, but the very next day had a beer in his hand as soon as he came in from work.

I have been going to nursing school at night. It is very intense & between the classes, textbooks to read & assignments due, I know I have been very preoccupied with it. He began to pick fights with me when I came home from classes. or when I was going to my study group session. Or just before tests.
I was studying for my midterm exam when he came up to me and told me he felt like he was losing me. We talked & I told him how intense school was & I needed to put in the time or else I'd fail my classes. So I asked him to try to understand until my semester ended.

He started to get really wierd in December, very distant & constantly on his phone texting. The phone never left his side. He was really strange around Christmas, so I asked him what was going on. He told me he didnt want to talk about it with me. I asked him again & he yelled at me that he was pissed I did nothing around the house for the past few days. Well, that annoyed me. I had just finished classes, the kids were off school - it was CHRISTMAS - was I really supposed to be doing chores?!
So we had a big fight, and he told me he thought I had been haivng an affair & he had been talking to somebody at work. Swears it didnt go further, but I'm not sure if I believe him. Especially as he thought I was. Or was he just saying that to justify his own behavior?

So we decided to go to marriage counselling. And to work on our issues. But this Saturday he told me he was going to meet a friend & go diving. I said great, please go do something you enjoy doing. He said he'd call when he got to his friends place. No word from him. I called & sent texts Saturday night as I was getting pretty worried with no response until 1140 Sunday morning when I got a text saying "Am in a bar having fun will be home realy late, give the kids a kiss for me, battery going dead."

Can you imagine how mad I was? He got home at 130, tells me "but i sent you a message". He tells me he had a lot to drink & stayed in a motel. He said he will come home early from work today so we can get a babysitter for the kids & we can go out and talk. Oh, and his phone now has a password lock on it. I'm not an idiot (or maybe I am...) but that surely means he has something to hide.

I would love some help. I know somebody out there has been in the same boat as me.

Welcome, obrivey. Ouch, I hate to read posts like yours, because it is so clear that your H is having an A. Have you done any snooping? You'll need to get the identity of the OW, and it's more than likely someone at his job (the person he's been 'talking to,' of course.)He is putting you on the defensive by suggesting that YOU are the one having the A.

Does he spend time on the computer? Is he a supervisor in his job, or does he report to someone in authority? What type of job does he have?

Wow. This is like watching a train wreck in action. I applaud you for framing the problem so very well. It helps us understand the basic issue.

What has happened is that this marriage has been so neglected and there has been so much thoughtlessness and disrespect on both sides that it has spiralled out of control. First off, unless your husband enthusiastically agreed, you shouldn't have been going to nursing school at night. He told you how upsetting the time you devoted to school and your studies was to him and his complaints were ignored. He tried to tell you about his unhappiness.

While it is no excuse, he apparently gave up and said what the hell. That what the hell attitude made him feel entitled to have an affair. And that is what he is doing now. He is in an affair and is drinking to drown his conscience.

To top that off, he may be an alcoholic. Do you think he is an alcoholic or is he just a heavy drinker?

I have not done any snooping. I tried to get to his phone but don't know his password. And that is where all his conversations are, on his work email & BB messenger. He does not spend time on the computer at home, all his online stuff goes thru his phone. He is a supervisor at work.

Melody, my husband was 100% behind me going to school. Until he realized what it entailed for me. I am doing it to try make a better life for us. Looks like I may be doing now to make a better life for myself... I did not intend to ignore his complaints, I was stretched every which way, and yeah I put us on the back burner.

I think he is a functioning alcoholic. He can drink 10 beers a night, every night, get up the next morning & go to work. It has not yet interfered with his ability to do his job.

It sounds like he agreed to something he wasn't really enthusiastic about but then changed his mind. However, after he discovered what it entailed he did tell you how unhappy it made him and asked you to stop it. His complaints went unheeded.

Ironically, it will not succeed in making a better life for you if it effectively destroys your marriage. How much better is your life if you are divorced? A career is not a substitute for a marriage.


Which describes about 99% of alcoholics. Most are highly functioning.

I would find out who he is having an affair with, expose the affair and then give him an ultimatum. Tell him he has to quit drinking for life and end his affair or he has to move out. You will have to be tough with him.

That is the only possible way to save that marriage. You can't even begin to recover the marriage until he addresses his alcoholism, and you cannot afford to be around him if he is carrying on an affair. His behavior is so abusive that it will run you into the ground quickly and then you are facing emotional and physical problems.

I was going to take this next semester off school as I saw the toll it was taking on us. He encouraged me not to do that.

It sounds like he said that because he has completely given up now and is involved with someone else. Since oyu know it led to his unhappiness in the past, I would certainly withdraw since you know it is bad for your marriage. Hopefully he will come back on board with the steps I outlined above.

I have switched to day classes which means I will be at class while he is at work. The older kids will be in school, and I arranged a babysitter for the youngest one.

How do I go about finding out who he is seeing? He is sticking to his "just talking" story & says that he no longer talks to her.

obrivey, if you hire a PI to tail him for a few hours one day, you can probably get everything you need. Don't ask him if he is having an affair, you will just get lies.

Other ways are to put a GPS on his car, a VAR in his car, get his cell phone bill. There are many ways.

GPS won't work as he works with this person. His job requires that he call the office a lot (which is where I suspect this person is) so not sure what the cell phone bill but show but am waiting for that & the bank statement to arrive so I can check them.
I have my suspicion of who it based based on the dirty looks she gives me anytime I have been to his work place.

BUT...if he is spending weekends with her, you can find them together. I would try a GPS and see if goes to her house. Find out where he is going when he gone and then go there yourself or send someone there and take pictures.

Put a voice activated recorder in his car. You'll only get one side of the conversation, but you should be able to piece together who it is pretty quick.

We had our talk. He swears up and down there is nobody else. But we are taking a trial separation because he needs his "space". And calling a counseler because he says he really needs to get himself together & try to work this out.

Of course he would swear up and down there is nobody else, they always do. We could have told you that. It's real important that you snoop and get the information about his affair. Get the goods and come back here. Then we can help you bust up the affair and save your marriage.

Wayward-speak. What he's really saying is "I need to get away from you so I can pursue the OW without getting caught."

You need to snoop. In your case I would definitely suggest a VAR and a GPS.

ob, here is a great GPS you can buy for $50 at Best Buy and put in his trunk:

Little Buddy Tracker

Obrivey, do you work? I would suspect not because you want to switch from night school to day school. You say that you have had financial difficulty because of your child, can you elaborate on that?


You had your priorities wrong, you put everything ahead of your husband. I wonder if you ever expressed any appreciation at all for the fact that he is putting you through school especially if it is costing money when things are tight and you have been neglecting your marriage? What perceived benefit is it for your husband for you to continue school?

No I do not work. I did up until last year but the company went under. Financial difficulty was that we had over 3 million in uncovered medical expenses for our son. We had to file bankruptcy over the summer. He blames himself for this even though we had talked at length about it, and it was out of our control. who knew an empty hospital room would cost $8900 a day?

I expressed often (obviously not often enough) how much I appreciated his support with school. Many, many times I told him he was fantastic. Whats the benefit for him? Me having a very stable, well paying job in a year. Which would take the financial burden off him, thus relieving much of his stress. It's not costing that much money, I got a great scholarship which has covered most of it.

I have never been the jealous type, and the thoughts of placing a GPS, VAR in his car turns my stomach. As much as you say that's what I should do. I have never been clingy & I have always encouraged him to do things he enjoys. Part of the problem is that he does not have many close friends, so hes held a lot in for a long time and it has just festered.

We have talked a lot. He is angry at me for things going back to when we were first married. I went back to europe to see my family about 4 times in the past 10 years, he was angry that I ever went. Yet he was the one who always asked me if I'd like to go to visit.

He can have a free apartment where he works. I think that was one of things that put the idea he could leave into his head, and the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to do it. To hear him talk now he has made all the running in our relationship, and he is tired of trying. It is not true at all, but I think he is trying to salve his conscience about leaving. When we talked the other night, I said I was sorry, I admitted the times when I was selfish, immature, a jerk. He never did, he couldnt see where he had ever been difficult.

We are taking a trial separation for 6 months. He is sorting out about his apartment, and should be gone by this weekend. We are going to tell the kids tomorrow. We have sorted out the financial arrangements & we are both committed to making this as smooth as possible for our kids. We are going together to tell his parents. Once we'd decided what we were doing, we actually talked better than we had in a long time. He said I seemed relieved, and he really seemed quite taken aback by that. We are going to go to marriage counseling. Hopefully that'll help.

You are throwing away a perfectly good marriage that could have been saved if you would just uncover and expose this affair. Your husband is moving out so he can conduct his affair unimpeded. A "trial separation" is a trial for a divorce. Marriage counseling is a waste of time when there is an affair. You are making strategic mistakes that will make it almost impossible to save your marriage.

When he moves out to resume his affair it will be much, much harder to break up the affair. And he will be able to say "obvirey and I are separated, here is my new girlfriend." He will be able to ease her into your lives.


WE are not asking you to be "jealous" but to protect yourself and your marriage by finding out who your H is having an affair with. You are leaving yourself wide open to STDs and the ruination of your marriage by not uncovering this. As his spouse you have a right to know every thing he does since it affects you. He is obviously withholding the truth from you. It is being withheld at your expense and that of your children.

All of the counseling in the world will not help you when the real problem is an affair. You are wasting your time. There is nothing we can do to help you if you refuse to help yourself.

p.s. don't take our word for it that he is having an affair. Prove it to yourself by putting this GPS in his car before he leaves this weekend and see where he goes. THEN GO THERE.

Don't take our word for it, go see for yourself!

LITTLE BUDDY TRACKER - this one is about $50 at Best Buy