My wife of 16 years connected with her first boyfriend and lover in August of 2009 via facebook and has been secretly calling and taking calls, as well as exchanging emails with him. I accidentally discivered this 2 weeks ago when she left he email active on the family PC. I was crushed. She insists there is nothing happending, just connecting to get caught up on old news from the past 25 years in which they had not spoken. He is on his 2nd marriage and has 5 kids between the two. he is also currently in counseling for som erough spots in his 2nd marriage. My wife and have and still do have some trouble and are seeking counseling but this really crushed me. How can I trust her? She says it is harmless and just 2 fiends talking - but really, they are talking about their old shared songs and things they used to do, places they traveled, etc. they talked for over 2 hours on our son's birthday! And many times after that! Is this right? Aren't ex-lovers supposed to be and stay in the past? Do I confront him? Tell his wife? I love her with all my heart and it is just been stomped on. Any advice? help me please.

I just wanted to add that I have the OM and W's contact information and am debating calling them both - to tell her about what her husband is doing and to tell him he is busted and better walk. I have two wonderful children; ages 14 and 12, they would be devastated by this.

FBAffair- sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place. This same thing happened to me, and it has progressed into a full-blown affair. After 22 years, my wife has moved out and left me with our 4 kids. You need to kill this right now, and the only way to do that is through exposure. Please read everything you can on this site about exposure, and then do it. You will not want to do it, but do it anyway. If I had done this when my wife was "just talking" to the other man, I probably wouldn't be here now. You also need to order "Surviving An Affair", and put in place extraordinary precautions to protect you and your wife from this danger. Facebook has become a breeding ground for this type of situation. The veterans of this site will be along shortly. Listen to everything they have to say and follow their advice.

Tell his wife? ...Good call.

Your marriage vows include putting the spouse above all others. She did not! Keep the evidence. Expose to both families.

Read the articles here for betrayed spouses. Use the carrot and stick method.

Full blown exposure is the ONLY way my friend. Tell OM, OM's wife, your friends, her friends, their friends, everyones family. The vets will be along soon and will spell out exactly what to do. Listen to their advice, follow it to the letter and you have a chance at avoiding what many of us here have painfully endured. Kill it. Kill it quick and mercilessly.

That is exactly what you should do. Expose the affair to the OM's wife and to your children. Your children should not be given false explanations for the tension in your home. That teaches them dishonesty.

I would not forewarn your wife about the call to the OM's wife. BUT, before you do it, I would download and install a keylogger on her computer. Go to spectorpro.com and download eblaster and put it on there. It takes about 10 minutes and is undetectable.

When you completed your exposure, wait a few hours to see if your wife finds out, to see if the OM contacts her again. Tell her about the exposure if he doesn't. You should then DEMAND that she end all contact with the OM for life and DELETE FACEBOOK. If this happened once, it can happen again. And as long as she is on facebook she and the OM can continue to contact each other.

This is a START. Kill the affair first and then we can help you recover your marriage.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

These are the kinds of affairs that are usually very easily killed. They get more difficult when they grow and evolve into physical affairs. Get it killed NOW and you have a better chance.

totaldisbelief; what type of extraordinary precautions? I have a key stroke tracker (only works sometimes, as I haven't resovled windows 7 compatibility issues, so I don't capture everything); I have set email filters to now forward copies of all OM emails to an anonymous gamil box and then move to spam in my wife's mailbox - I can get her original note if attaches ut I have missed many emails becuase I didn't discover until 1-12-10 and this has been going on since 8-18-10; I have a call minutes and inbound/outbound report on her cell phone - the only thing I can think of is actually cloning her cell phone. I confronted her with all the phone calls and dates and times - I have held back on the email because she deletes everything and Iwant her to think she is getting away with something. I have hacked her facebok, but can't recover dleted postings, etc.

FBA,

first boyfriend and lover in August of 2009

That's a long time, why do you think it has not gone physical.

OMW deserves to know, given OMs track record he has done this before and will do it again to her.

God Bless
Gamma

Can you go download eblaster? I believe it is compatible and you would get reliable reports.

I would also insist she hand over the cell phone. You could either cancel it or swap cell phones.

Gamma and all - my apologies, it was August of 2010, not 2009 - not sure it hasn't gone from EA to PA - she swears NO, and in fact denies it is an EA

I will try to download eblaster but she watches the PC like a hawk since I confronted her...

You'd better believe this will turn physical if it hasn't already. The reminiscing is just setting the stage for sexual trysts. How far does the OM live from you?

My wife's OM was over 1000 miles away and he just hopped on a plane when I was out of town. Your wife is sadly in a state of fog, and she is trying to keep you duped that she is innocently chatting. The next thing you know, she will tell you she loves you but isn't in love with you.

You absolutely have to expose to the OMW, among every one else. When you have a chance to fight this on two fronts with the OMW, your odds increase substantially to kill the A. And this is an A!

Now that your wife is on to you, get smarter and put a VAR in her car, or wherever she thinks it is safe to talk to the OM without you hearing. You might be able to confirm this in a day with the VAR.

Prepare for this as a soldier would before going to war. You will be facing an alien and an enemy hell-bent on deceiving you so that she can be a cake eater.

People who don't have stuff to hide, don't hide stuff. Your wife is in a full-blown emotional affair. If it has not yet become physical, that is only for lack of opportunity. She is lying, I guarantee you. (Your typo is spot-on: As long as they're in the affair, they're "fiends", not friends.)

How do you know this? From your wife, I presume. How does SHE know it? Because he told her, of course. Well: It is altogether inappropriate for any married person to let on to a person of the opposite sex other than his/her spouse (unless it is a counselor in a couples counseling session with both spouses present) that there are "rough spots" in the marriage. The reason people drop that info is because they are looking for an affair. I know: The other woman I got involved with dropped these sorts of tidbits to elicit my sympathy AND potentially my interest. Sorry to say, it worked just as intended.

You CAN'T, and SHOULDN'T. No matter. Your marriage can survive and even prosper without complete trust. It cannot survive the deception of an affair, unless that deception ends.

When I should've realized that I might be involved in something inappropriate was one day when I realized I'd spent two hours e-mailing the other woman back & forth. Although not a single thing we said in that entire conversation was anything that would've been considered inappropriate if it had been said in a face-to-face conversation with our spouses present, the fact that it was carried on without our spouses' knowledge should've been a major red flag. And it ought to be a huge red flag for you. I am glad that you seem to realize that. That means you are less likely to be in denial.

Yes, yes and yes. But tell his wife (along with full exposure to all of his Facebook contacts) before you tell him. I'm a technophobe & don't do Facebook, but ask the folks here on how to do a complete Facebook exposure.

I'm sorry you're in this spot. I am gonna grab you by the virtual ears here and tell you what you're afraid of, namely, that your wife is in an emotional affair that is EVERY BIT AS DANGEROUS to your marriage as a physical affair.

There are lots of folks who make the mistake of thinking that an emotional affair isn't as serious. That's a grave mistake. A person in an emotional affair has transferred intimacy that belongs to the marriage, outside the marriage. Other than the fact that you don't need to get an STD test if there's been no sex between them, the danger to your marriage, and the steps you must take to kill the affair, are the same.

I am not exaggerating. See, I got into an emotional affair myself. And it became physical, and as it was headed that way, by the time I admitted to myself where it was likely headed, I was too infatuated with the other woman's attention -- I was for all practical purposes an addict who had very little chance of stopping on my own. In fact, I didn't stop, until my affair partner was found out by her husband.

The good news is, there's a chance you can kill the affair. But you need to marshal your evidence, and expose without mercy.

Please do a little reading around here about the nature of affairs. They are very much addictions in their own way. Your wife will resist cutting off all contact with this other man just as a nicotine or cocaine addict resists quitting. There is a withdrawal period when the affairee craves the attention he/she was getting from the affair partner. While this is taking place, it may be very difficult for her to want to take all of the necessary precautions & steps to save the marriage. For people who are "only" in emotional affairs, they are very tempted to keep the door open for further contact -- they will lie to their spouses, and even to themselves, that it is "just a friendship" and that they can control it. Don't buy it. INSIST that there be no further contact between them, insist on steps to ensure this (such as closing her Facebook account), and get all passwords to her e-mails and cellphones. Without tipping her off, also install a keylogger to make sure she's not breaking no-contact.

She will be mad when you expose. Don't let that faze you. As they say around here, your marriage can survive her temporary anger, but it cannot survive her continuing dishonesty.

I strongly suggest you read the book "Surviving An Affair." My wife & I wlil both tell you that it's a book that may have saved our marriage. It will give you unparalleled insight re: the emotional dynamics at play. She is getting emotional needs met by this other guy. Once you kill the affair, you're going to need to learn to do the best job you can at ID'ing & meeting those needs yourself. You're going to need to spend lots of time together in order for this to happen. It CAN be done -- so take courage. However, first thing is to gather evidence & conduct a full & merciless exposure, in order to kill the affair.

Hang in there.

I had the same issue as you. Old BF, EA except mine went PA and she flew all the way to australia for it.

Expose this thing now before it goes PA. Kill it now.

How does one do a complete facebook exposure? I do not have a facebook account - laways maintainedit was evil....words to live by I am learning.....

Send messages one minute apart to not have the site shut you down. Expose by the book, no funny business no warning.

Open a new account in your name.

Your wife may have him listed as a friend . Access her account this will enable you to access his friends list, record all his friends names and contact details in word in the event he locks you out. Do the same for your wifes friends list. If he has say 50 friends expose to all if he has say 200 choose a sample of married friends and family.

Do you need some words? Do you need some pointers as to where and how to message from facebook ?

This will take some time so be patient.

FBAffair- extraordinary precautions will only come into play after you have killed the affair and your wife has agreed to no contact. At that point, I would follow Mel's advice and have her delete Facebook. Also, you will need to share all passwords, etc., and agree on other precautions that the two of you will take to protect each other. Again, I would get the book "Surviving An Affair"- it is all detailed in the book.

FBAffair

Sorry to see you here but you are in the right place. My FWH had an affair that started with him accepting an old high school friend of the oppsite sex. When I first caught the affair I contacted her and told him to stop all contact. Of course this was before I found MB. My FWH did not see anything wrong with them talking over 2 hours a day and texting over 45 messages a day but he did agree to NC. A few months later I found out there was more to it than talking on the cell phone, texting and e-mailing each other. They had exchanged nude pictures and inappropriate videos.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is that wayward spouses lie about more than just the affair. At this point you can not believe anything your WW says. You have to snoop and get the information for yourself.

I wish I had known about MBs when I was going through this. Unfortunately by the time I found this site she had blocked me so that I couldn't see her FB to expose anything.

It has been a rough few year. Thanks to MB counselor Steve my marriage is on the road to recovery. It took Steve explaining things to my husband for him to fully understand what he was doing.

Listen to the veterens...they do know what they are talking about. Don't skip any of the steps because it could cause a false recovery.