Now why in the world would you agree to something silly like this? You have been betrayed in the worst possible way, and yet you tell your betrayer that he has clearance to do it again? You know what that kind of agreement will get you?

This:


Look, Live42day, my FWH's affair ended over 22 months ago. I still snoop on the guy!!! And he's about as reformed as you can get! Do I feel guilty about snooping?? Hell, no! I told him that there are things I will do in order to make sure I am safe and our marriage is safe. I have extended an open invitation to him to do all the snooping he wishes to confirm that I am faithful, as well. What harm could possibly be caused by making sure you are safe from someone who has already proved that they will harm you if they think they can get away with it?

I would promise him that he can always "trust" you to snoop on him because he is untrustworthy and that you will NEVER be "up front" about your snooping. That would defeat the purpose. Tell him he has your promise that this will be his future. Invite him to do all the snooping he wants but that you expect him to tell you if he finds you have been faithful.

As far as "trust" goes, tell him you are not interested in trust, but in safe boundaries. And you will be checking to make sure he maintains he keeps good boundaries.

I have a strong feeling he is back in touch with his OW again. Otherwise he wouldn't be checking up on you and trying to gaslight you into feeling guilty for checking up on him.

CAn you put a VAR in his car? I smell a rat!

The agreement I was trying to make was that he would give me the respect to tell me he cannot or will not try to make it work any longer and end the marriage first before he goes back to her or finds another.

Last time he didn't bother to tell me he was unhappy and went ahead and got himself into this mess. I absolutely know that it is his actions that are causing me to doubt him probably for forever...I have and will check up on him from now on. He said he understands it, but hates me doing this behind his back..yeah yeah, I told him I never would have found out the 2nd time if I hadn't been sneaky. And, that he did all of this behind my back in the first place. It isn't his right to be angry with me for checking up on him.

I will just use your words when I talk with him next time...he can TRUST that I will always check up on him from now on. If he can't handle that, then it will be time for him to leave.

I was really hoping for us to be able to get to one counseling together, but it looks less and less likely every day. I don't want to make it sound like we are fighting every minute...we aren't and actually things are pretty status quo. I just don't feel right about where we are right now.

With her still next door and him just seeing her this weekend at a local store it is next to impossible for the NC to be effective. I am glad he called to tell me as part of our agreement, but I cannot help but think that the only reason he had to call was because my son was with him and pointed out they needed to leave b/c the wicked witch of the west was there.

The only people who get angry about snooping are people who have something to hide. See, he should WELCOME snooping because it would help him regain your trust FASTER. So, just tell him he can "trust" you to snoop like a bloodhound for eternity because you have a right to know every breath he takes when you are not looking!!

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It is not the telling you he saw her that is the problem. Being honest about it misses the point. The point is that every time he sees that vile skank, he is triggered!

How long until they leave? And are you in DAILY contact with her H? I would be talking EVERY DAY, live42day, just for the sole reason that he is so skittish about it. He is up to no good.

Ditto on this, live42day. My FWH knows that I've got a lot of different ways to make sure he's doing what he says he's doing, and is where he says he should be. He couldn't care less that I snoop. He has nothing to hide anymore. If your H has a problem with accountability, .

You all are so right. I thought about this for a while last night and although we are trying to let things settle a little and we are both trying to build our love banks up, I still feel too unsettled to not have constant doubt shaking that love building up. Unfortunately, I do not know when they will move. I know he plans to sell ASAP even at a loss, I cannot be certain when it will happen.

Last night my youngest was upset and it took me a while to break through and find out that when my husband came home, the OW pulled in to her house not 1 minute after my WH. My DS was upset because he thought something might be wrong. WH noticed his quietness and tried to validate to DS that he had just left work and came directly home and that DS could call his boss if he wanted to verify this (empty promises made before and he knew DS would not call) I didnt know about this whole conversation until after I broke through with my son. Why would that be??

I will be talking with my WH tonight as it is our "designated" night to talk about this. I want him to know that he has "Trust" me to snoop and that I will continue to double check everything he does. If he has problems with this, that is a deal breaker because I will not be made to feel guilty about it.

On another note, in the past, when I have confronted her she tells me I need to "get a life" and that "I'm just digging for stuff that isn't there", etc. I proved that wrong. I'd like to take the clothes that she had given my daughter (one article given even after I found out) and take them back over to her. I would like to warn her one last time to stay away from everyone in my family. That I found out about the contact once and can/will do so again. Next time, I will warn her that I will let everyone in our neighborhood know (maybe even the city) to watch their husbands because she is a W#)#! and will wreck their homes. Is this a crazy vindictive idea?

Well, this is also a way for me to see if he and she are still talking. If she contacts him and he tells me, good on him for following my rules. If she contacts him and he ends up being in an off mood or angry like he has done in the past, I will have a better idea and demand him to take me to work and log into his email. He has offered me in the past to log in or have his password and I never took him up on this b/c I knew he could have a compeltely different account set up. OW was emailing him on his work account before, so if he still thinks that is a safe route, I could catch them. BTW, cannot put a keylogger b/c it is a military computer.

Wish Christmas was not right around the corner...wish we could just be our normal happy family, but know this situation will not get normal for some time if ever.

live42day, a couple of things:

If the clothes she gave your DD are triggers for you, take them to a clothing bank and donate them. Resist the urge to confront her yet again. You've already seen what kind of reaction you'll get.

Also resist the urge to threaten to expose her to the neighbors. There may be some point in the future when you'll actually need to expose. Don't tip your hand to her.

If you were properly snooping as we suggest, you wouldn't need to talk to her to see if they are still talking. You would already know.

Get your snooping gear together and proceed with snooping. You don't need to specifically tell your WH that you are "snooping". The closest you need to get to that is to tell him that you will do whatever it takes to feel safe with him.

That makes perfect sense...I don't need to have any further contact with her right now. I guess I'm just getting restless feeling like all is just not right.

I have no other snooping options available to me at this time. If they are speaking, it is happening only at his/her work through phone or email. I have access to neither and getting back into his office now is near to impossible for me. At this point I can only go by my gut feelings.

If your gut is telling you that something's not right, you need to listen to it.

I would suggest that you get a VAR and bug his car. If there is contact, they won't be content to keep it to office emails for long. Affairees need the constant 'hit' of communication. If they are back in contact, they may well be talking in their cars before they get home.

I would attempt to resurrect this conversation and see if you can get him to offer this again. And take him up on it. I'm not sure why you refused the first time. Grab any opportunity you can, whether or not you think it will pan out.

You sound like you would prefer to sit on your hands and hope the A doesn't resume.

-- You sound like you would prefer to sit on your hands and hope the A doesn't resume.

When he offered to give me the email and password, I knew it was a front. He has had another account from the start and still could have it. He only accesses this while at work. I just have to accept the fact that if he wants to still talk with her, he can and will. I plan to put the VAR in the vehicle he is currently driving to see if by chance I can catch them meeting and talking.

I'm just tired of this whole thing right now and know that with her still living and breathing next door, healing cannot really begin. I sometimes wish I can catch them again in conversation or such and just let the marriage end. I know that wouldn't be an easy road either, but I'm soooo tired and hurt.

I would ask for the email password again anyway. You never know when that will come in handy.

You're right - as long as everyone is next-door neighbors you will remain in a state of permanent trigger. Can you put your house up for rent and live somewhere else for awhile?

I wish we could move out. Even rental properties are not moving in our area. It is a fairly expensive neighborhood and there are 5 houses on the street prior to ours and 3 on ours for sale and or rent.

As I've said in recent posts, I just don't get a good feeling although I've no proof the NC has been broken. I have had no contact with the OWH which tells me he has not found anything incriminating on his side of the yard either.

We had our one night a week to talk last night and he wanted to spend it shopping for office gifts and our kids gifts. The talk was interrupted by this. We sat down to dinner together and I broached the topic again and he kind of rolled his eyes. I explained again that this was our night to discuss things and he said that is what he had been doing. This SOOO puts me off.

When I asked him what had been bothering him soo much over the past week, he said he was fine. I told him I was not the only one that noticed his moods (our DD noticed as well), he said that something happened almost every day. Like he and my DS running into her at Academy, or when my DS saw them pull in one right after the other a few days past and was upset by it. Etc, etc. I explained all of these triggers would keep happening until she was GONE from our lives all together. He casually jokes that we should bury a St. Joseph statue in their yard to hurry along the sale of their house.

The joking gets to me too. I know this is his method of trying to keep things light. He's always been a joker, but I'm just too sensitive right now for ANY jokes about this matter. I hesitate to tell him this though because he just recently found out that I hate quite a few songs/performers now b/c I associate them with the OW and his time together (songs on her blog page, songs he really likes and sings along with) I change the channel every time one comes on...he jokes and says we have to play radio roulette. He even was planning a 2 day get-away for us to watch one of these bands until he found out I hated them now.

Soo, with all of that being said, he is still trying to show me some little changes (like texting me more often, giving me a kiss, holding my hand). The BIG important stuff is still missing though...therapy, honest and sincere communication, and yes, remorseful talk/actions.

So is the way he is acting the way a person acts that is trying to make recovery? Could he still be in withdrawal? Is he really just holding on biding his time to settle bills, wait for the OW to leave her spouse, etc?

Hello all, its been a little since my last post, but I never saw an answer to my question as to how long the fog can last?

Yes, she is still next door, so I guess my I could answer my own question and say fog will last until they never see or speak again, right? They are officially planning to divorce now. The OM said they constantly fought. She and he take turns at the house with their kids. Doesn't make it easy on us at all.

I still get bad feelings. I know he logged into his work account from home this past week since he is off work. He hasn't done that in the past, so I just purchased the keylogger but made the mistake of putting the charge on Paypal. Thought I could archive it without him seeing it, but realized after the fact that it is not completely hidden. I can hope WS will not go back into paypal for a while and it will go into history, or I might have to come up with a reason to close the account and not draw attention to it somehow.

So now I wait and see...if he notices the charge, the plan is over b/c he can google the company and see it easily and then not make any log in attempts at home. DANG IT!! What a rookie mistake right?!

Anyway, scheduled a nice weekend away for New Years in hopes of rekindling our romance. I just hope I can keep the negative thoughts at bay.

title changed as requested...

Again, its been a while since my last post, but I've been out here a few times trying to learn from others.

The OW and OWH made contact with me today and told me that they are moving even though they haven't sold the house. She apologized for what she is putting me an my family through and says the best thing she can do is move out of next door. They are going to counseling and working on their marriage.

When I interrupted my husbands workout with what I thought was good news, he blew up. He said he doesn't give a flying F*&K what that family does...he just wants this madness to stop in his life.
This blow up made me sick to my stomach. I have bent over backwards to make the home a comfortable place to be for us. He NEVER willingly talks to me and makes me feel bad when I try to talk. I've been centering my conversations on what I can do to help make our marriage better as well as how I'm feeling. He is a very CLOSED person. When I talk about how I feel like I'm on the outside looking in still and that I need him to tear down some ofthe walls he's built, he said he doesn't want me in his head. I look for signs of his love and caring. I told him it bothers me when he doesn't tell me he loves me or when he doesn't kiss me, etc...he hates that I "analyze" his every move.

I asked him to move out of our bedroom today. He wants a more stable me, then I need some space. I've asked in the past if he is willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work and he flatly states he is not willing to go to a counselor. He has only once seen a church counselor, and has not agreed to another visit with me.

He said he knows I've been snooping on him car, office, etc. I have put a recorder in his office and it is still there unless he's found it. I have not tried to retrieve. I did also buy a GPS but never even started the tracker, if he found that it would be amazing since it was only in the car 1 day.
He thinks I'm working with the OWH conspiring against him but I am not!!! I've told him of every conversation the OWH and I have had. He said he cannot trust me because I am not being open and honest with him. He said that I lie and deceive and he does not believe I am giving it a real try.

So what do I say about the snooping devices?? I told him I was doing what I needed to do to have confirmation that he was being honest this time. I didn't apologize. He said he is tired of feeling like a parolee.

Lastly, when I told him that I just wasn't seeing any empathy or understanding for what I am going through he reminds me that he has been dealing with this for way longer that I have. He flatly told me that he has no feelings right now...he is just numb to everything, especially me.

I am working on my master's papers this weekend and hope I can keep strong and not waiver in my desire to let him live a separate life in our home. Our kids have functions the whole weekend and we'll get through those.

I plan to purchase a book I've researched called Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce by Emily Doskow. I've heard it is a good resource. When I mention that we need to discuss this road to travel, he says a separation is good for now.

Any advice is appreciated.

This is very puzzling. I am thinking...

See, he is extremely wayward minded and I can't decide if it is because you live right next door to the OW and he sees her every day or if their affair is still on. I cant imagine how hard it is for him to have to end an addictive affair living right next door to the skank.

When are they moving out?