It's been awhile since I've posted. My previous MB name was Mopey. I want to retire that name, since it doesn't really represent who I am anymore. A lot has transpired since I've last posted here.

Quick update:

Fall 06 thru Fall 07 Dyear (7 EAs and PAs before and after marrige)
Jan 2008 separated
Fall 2008 "Windstopped" moved back in/he reniged on Harley appts/we were like roomates
2009 On and Off working MB program (he had resistance to things about me and the program.
2010 hysterectomy, my mother died, Windstopped asked for divorce
Jan 2011 Waiting to be served divorce papers/Windstopped living with Sister/Me home.

Sept 2010, Windstopped announced "he didn't want to work on the marrige anymore, and wanted connections with other women", and wanted to go back on our agreement of no co-ed AA meetings. Who knows how much "connection" he wanted with other women......Always told me that he would protect his boundaries. I wasn't good with him connecting with the women in AA meetings.

End of Oct. 2010, he moved out. I saw him full of anger when he first moved out, and it seems that he still is. I fear the divorce will escalate that.

Me, picking myself up, planning for the future while enjoying the present.

I do have a question though. How do you deal with an angry STBXWH? I'm really not letting his disrepect, anger, and whatever else he has going on get to me. But I do fear he'll become even more controlling and angry/passive agressive as the divorce progresses. I've thought about plan B with an intermediary, just so that I don't have to deal with him at all. However, I don't know how well that will be received by a judge, and I can deal with him for a few months. Only takes about 3 months to divorce in Fla. The communication is not often, but more than I'd like. The only communication we have pertains to bills and the house. All personal communication has stopped.

I guess I'm just looking for a heads up gleened from someone's else's experience with an angry STBXWH. I believe he's also the most angry at the prospect of helping me out financially for a few years.....

Thoughts?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MOPEY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so very sorry about your mother. I have wondered and worried about you. Has Windstopped filed for divorce?

Ah Mel, I love the fact that you were the first one here, again. Thanks for the hug. Back atcha.

Thanks for the condolences too. She was a great woman and I miss her very much. Especially now. WS asked for the divorce one month after her death. He put it on hold for a few months because I asked him too. I wanted to work on the marriage even then, but what I mentioned in the first post kept that from happening. I was never able to communicate with him in a way that worked.

Windstopped wants to give me a divorce settlement proposal, which I believe he's working on now, and he'll be filing the divorce soon afterwards I guess. I believe that's what his plans are. He told me when he moved out that he'd be filing after the holdiays.

My entire life is changing all around. It's weird, surreal, and interesting.

Hi, MJ. Sorry this is happening to you. I went to Plan B when XWH moved out 2-1/2 years ago, and I'm still there. He filed and the divorce was final in January 2009. Everything was handled through the lawyers. I never saw him or spoke to him once. I don't think the judge cared one bit, and even if minor children are involved (I did not have any under 18), as long as it's all hammered out through an intermediary then what's the difference?

Ask your attorney about this. If your STBXWH is angry, nasty and passive-aggressive, then you need to protect yourself 100% from any further abuse. And that means Plan B. And you can explain THAT to a judge, too.

I went NC with my ex-wife long before our divorce became final.

The hearing and final decree were very "mechanical." All the judge cared about was whether we had abided by the law and not violated our separation and property settlement agreement.

By the time it gets to the courtroom, the "he said, she said" stuff is pretty much eliminated.

P.S. My attorney knew full well that I had an IM and that she (my lawyer) wasn't it. She was fine with that.

i remember reading when you were mopey.... i have always wondered how you were and hoping you were ok.

I'm glad you came back!

As for angry STBXH.... yep i had one now he is an xh. I have only talked to him once in the last almost two years when my DD3 was in the ER sick. I had called him and it was the first time that i had seen him in over a year. The lack of communication via anyone but a 3rd party seems to of gotten both of us to keep our emotions in check.

I hope you are taking care of yourself! and you and your family will be in my prayers

Hi Mulan,

Yeah, I'm sorry that you had to take the divorce track as well. How are you getting along now? Are you healing from the crazy making?

Honestly, I'm still in shock a little. There were times this past year when I thought we'd be able to work through things, but I was blind. I can look back now and see he's been really distant for two years now. Once he moved out originally in 2008, "he" never came back. Who came back in his place was a righteous new ager. His belittlement of "where I was at" was ever present, in his actions and words.

Regarding the intermediary, I may have to go back on what I said last night about being able to deal with him for a few months during the divorce.

I received an e-mail from him this morning where, and I quote, he said....

"Based on the amount of debt you've accumulated since our separation, I thought it was possible you found another job. My mistake.

Maybe I should get a newer car, work part time, and apply for a student loan this week.

I should probably get used to the idea of writing you welfare checks."

*End of Windstopped's e-mail.*

I'm working 29 hrs a week, going to school part time. I didn't finish school fast enough for him, because I was so messed up the last 4 years. I'm currently trying to get about 5 more hours a week at my job, plus I was just approved for a raise, which I asked for.

I had to buy a newer used car in the last week, because my engine died. He gave me his old 97 car, with an oil leak. I drove it two days, put oil in it, and it blew up on my way to school. When he gave me his old car, that just blew up, he bought a 2001 Audi with 186K miles on it, and torn up inside. I bought a 2008 Honda Civic for about 10K more than what he spent. He's very upset about that. He wanted a new car for the last several years, but was waiting until we paid off our daughter's wedding, and a few other bills before he would get one. I always wanted him to have a new car. But for now, I felt I needed some RELIABLE transportation, so I didn't buy a piece of junk.

Also, he's mad because he wants me to pay half of the taxes that we owe from 2009, due to an amended returned he just filed. I make 1/3 of the income he does, and he's pocketing several grand a month, while I pay what I can with my income.

When he moved out, the stove, the refrigerator, and the dryer all quit working within two months. I found some used appliances to replace those, and we split the cost of that. I'm not even keeping the house, so I won't benefit from that expense for too much longer.

At any rate, I told him this morning, via e-mail, that since he's continuing to be verbally abusive to me, I won't have any futher contact with him. So, now I have to find an e-mail intermediary to get me through this. Interested?

After I let him know I didn't want anymore contact, he e-mailed me back and said..."Ok. It's part of why I want a divorce. So I don't have to communicate with you.".

I swear, I'm just scratching my head. I believe he despises me and probably regrets the day he met me. Why on earth is he so hateful to me? I know he's ticked about paying a cent for anything. How do you deal with that?

Hi Fred, thanks for the comments regarding your experience with the intermediary/divorce. I see that you and Mulan were able to do that, without being judged by the judge.

And like Mulan said, I'll just have to explain why if it comes up.

I do soooo much better when I don't have contact with him. If he didn't throw digs out at me, it'd be ok. But he does, so it's not.

I know you've had to deal with some crazy making too Fred. I've read your story on and off regarding the Leopard. Did you feel emotionally unstable before the divorce? If so, has that changed since you've had no contact?

Hi STB4,

I really appreciate your post and just being here, along with the others. It is a difficult time for me, so hearing your stories about what it was like for you is helpful to me. It always makes me feel less alone, and "normal".

Thanks for welcoming me back. Yeah, I dropped off the planet when I went into plan B in 2008 and was posting elsewhere, since Windstopped visited these boards back then. I think I did post after that, but not much. I was in a terrible depression in 08, and had to struggle for 2 years to get out of it. It's been lifting for the last month though. I finally read a lot of great self help books to help with my negative thoughts. Not to mention, I was finally able to truly learn to let go and forgive Windstopped. Now, just seeing it all as lessons learned, and trying to enjoy living in the present, even with the divorce looming.

So, did you have an intermediary during the divorce? When did you go NC?

MyJourney, No Contact has probably been the singlemost beneficial thing to me since everything happened.

Yes, The Leopard's "crazy making" caused me some mental and emotional turmoil (not to mention the physical - weight loss, sleeplessness, etc.). She cast enough aspersions against my character, physical abilities, and you-name-it that she really had me wondering if everything had been all my fault.

As I came out of my own fog, with the help of a professional counselor as well as the good people of MB, I could see that while I wasn't the perfect husband or step-dad, there is hardly a one who lay claim to that.

The ongoing support I've received here and from others, plus continued 100% no contact with The Leopard has done wonders for me. I have just begun dating again, work prospects are looking up, and I'm running still (slower, but the miles add up).

One of the strongest messages I can (and do) give here on MB is to go absolute NO CONTACT whenever possible. I have some experience with abstinence.

You know the line about "being a little bit pregnant," don't you?

My WH is angry and hateful, too. He even started bothering me in the hallway waiting for our court hearings. He'd purposely talk loudly on the phone and mention OW's name or derogatory comments about me. I once had to ask my attorney to walk me to my car since WH said that OW was waiting for him in the parking lot. So to combat his bullying, I started bringing along HIS parents to the hearings. Haven't heard a peep out of him since. He now sits at the end of the hall with his ear phones in.

You gotta do what you gotta do. And in my sitch, I called in his parents to help. I'm very grateful that blood is not thicker than water here.

Ugh. I made the mistake of looking at some stuff online about Windstopped, and I wished I wouldn't have done that. He is hard core flirting up some 22 yr old online, and friending girls from his high school days. He is 43 yrs old. It felt like a knife going through me. The worst part, I let it make me feel less than.

Fred, I'm not good at this. I seriously need to protect myself from hurting myself in that way. I guess I was hoping he wouldn't go there, while knowing in my gut he already was. I don't think he ever stopped having fantasies about other women. One day, I hope I find a guy that's....different. I don't know if I can even ask for a guy that doesn't lust after women in their heads. Is there even guys like that out there?

HH,

Am I reading it right that your STBXH brought his OW to the divorce hearings? I don't understand why some people can be so callous. I don't have a lot of respect for people who can hurt others like that. It feels so unecessary....and just, mean.

I don't have a intermediary yet, so I haven't blocked Windstopped's e-mails. He actually sent me an apology today for the nasty e-mails the other day. I was actually shocked. Any respect I had for him (which isn't much) at the moment flew out the window when I saw him being such a whore dog before the divorce has even been filed.

He told me he wasn't going to see any women while he was still married. I should have known better. He hasn't kept many of the other promises he's ever made to me.

You know what hurts the worse.....that he saw how bad his previous infidelities hurt me, and he's doing it again. It doesn't matter that he left before I had any proof of another affair. He left me so he could be with another woman, any woman. I still call that wayward.

Please tell me that are decent guys out there.....

I'm conflicted about whether or not I should be ditching my 29 hr a week job that I've had for the last 2 1/2 yrs, to get a full time job with benefits.

- The options are to find a second job that gives me 10 more hours a week, and hope that the judge agrees to have my stbxwh carry me on his insurance policy for another two years, while I finish school.

- Or, keep my 29 hrs a week job (which I love btw, and is giving me experience in my degree), and continue to go to school part time.

My delimma is that I'd prefer to keep the 29 hr a week job and go to school part time for the next two years, then get a full time job with benefits. However, my stbxwh is hounding me to get a full time job now.

If I do get a full time job now, I will still go to school part time, and I feel that will stress me out to much, and not leave a lot of time for the other things I need to do to heal, and have some down time.

I am open for honest answers. My stbx gives me the impression that I'm not doing enough. We've been married for 17 yrs, and I am going to be asking for rehabilitative alimony in the divorce, and I'm sure he'd rather have to pay me as little as possible. In fact, I'm sure he'd rather not have to pay me a dime.

Honestly, I do want to carry my own weight, (I'm currently only carrying about half of my weight financially) and I believe that working the 29 hrs a week, and going to school part time is enough.

What do you all think?

It's probably not a really "good" answer, but my reply is in the form of a question itself:

Why do you care what your STBXWH wants? He's going to be your EX, after all. And he's still wayward, from what I can tell.

So my take on this is that if you want to heal, you're better off doing what is right and healing for MJ, not STBXWH.

It's free advice. Worth every penny you paid for it.

Thanks for chiming in Fred. I've read a lot of your story, and I admire your personal recovery, so your advice has weight to me.

I don't think I'm asking myself this because of what he wants. I bring it up because his request got me to thinking, "Am I doing enough"? I honestly do not care what he wants or thinks. He definitely doesn't care what I want or think.

I just want to be able to know if I am doing enough, as a person, in this situation, to feel better about my wants and needs. It's true I'm letting him question my thinking. That's why I'm trying to bounce this off others.

Again, thanks for chiming in.

Ok, if I'm really honest with myself, I do care what he wants and thinks, but I cannot let that effect my personal recovery at this point.

Oh course WH wants you working full-time. It sets the precedence that you really don't need spousal support to move on. But you said it. More hours working and school on top of that adds stress and leaves less time for YOU and your personal recovery.

Recovery and "moving on" isn't just dollars and cents. It's taking time to smell the roses again. Face it. BSs have been f'ed over. Our self esteem suffers. The emotional ups and downs take us to deep dark places we've never been before. We spent times on the forum that we wouldn't have before.

Do what's right for you.

Thanks Fred.