How are you doing MJ????


We've all been helped in one way or another around here. Don't worry, we'll be gentle if you need to be "called," lol- besides, I've taken some real beatings and lived to tell the tale; you'll be allright.



Opt

MJ,

I decided to come over and read your stitch, since you were kind enough to reply to mine. Eye for an eye, right?

One thing I noticed throughout this thread, is your constant thoughts of how things affect "he and I". I bring it up, mostly because I'm trying to counteract these thoughts in myself. Our stitches are different (child-wise mostly), but we seem to both get caught up in taking the High Road.

I look at it this way: while we BSs played our part in the relationship, we are not the ones who decided to forsake it all. And, when all the decisions made prior to that point aren't enough to keep the WS from making that choice, why should we CONTINUE to make choices that still include the WS's best interest?

I know that sounds somewhat vindictive (Eye for an eye, right?), but anything other than appeasement always sounds like revenge to those of us who stick to the High Road.

I will repeat what opt said. You are valuable. You matter. Be comfortable with whatever decision you make. In the end, you're the only one who can make that decision. <-- (This has been thrown at me by my Dad soooo much in the last 3 years.)

Ticked, tired, and ready to move on.

My stbx has been telling me for the last 4 months that he would take the house if I didn't want to stay here. I've been agonizing over the decision all this time, leaving my home, and finally came to a firm decision that I don't want to stay here. So yesterday I let him know my decision on the house, and today he e-mailed me back and said that he's not sure if he wants to keep the house now.

Ugh.

It's a 4 bedroom house, with a yard and a pool. It needs new tile, which is falling down, in both bathrooms. The kitchen is over 30 years old and looks terrible, no matter how much I tried to work with it. The carpet seriously needs to be replaced, and the exterior has needed painting for years.

When we talked about the house months ago, and brought up selling it, he said if we did that, he wouldn't want to do ANY work to the house and sell it as is. Which means we'll get bottom dollar for it

Not to mention, I doubt he will take any responsibilty for getting the house, yard, and pool ready to even show it.

I was finally getting to the point where I wanted out, out out. Out of this marriage, and out of this house. Now, it seems like this nightmare is going to stretch out longer.

I do not have very nice things to say about him right now, and I'm tired of constantly being in a state where if I don't forgive him, it'll eat my lunch. Ugh. I just want out. I want away from his control and manipulation.

/vent over for now

I'll be back to a better mindset soon. I need to find a solution to these roadblocks.

Sorry you asked?

I'm sorry. Sounds like you need a hug. (((MyJourney)))

Awww, thanks Itsa. I appreciate that. Humanitarianism is alive and well.




Taking the high road is definitely difficult when you're dealing with a spouse who isn't. ESPECIALLY, if you are hoping for reconcilation. I realize the further this dismantling of the marriage progresses, and if things get heated, I won't feel reconciliatory, but I hope and pray that I still take the high road.

However, not to my detriment. The longer he's been away, the clearer things get. He has not, and is not, looking out for my best interest. So, I need to do the same for myself. It may hurt reconciliation, but I have no choice. In fact, the more he tries to be unfair, the less reconciliatory I feel. And I knew this would happen. I knew we would be adversaries. Heck, even the paperwork will say "STBXWS vs. BS".



Yes. I've let myself feel fearful that if I take a stand for myself, it'll look I'm trying to get revenge. Is that what you are saying? But, I think I've gotten over that this week.

I will tell you that vengence is the furtherest thing from my mind. I want nothing more than a smooth, fair, and equitable ending to this unfair and unequitable marriage.

I want to walk away from this and still be able to look at myself in the mirror.

I also knew ahead of time that when it came to decisions about the divorce, even though I didn't want it, I wasn't going to be passive about it, and it would be strictly a business deal. If I put emotions into it, I'll lose.

I hope you all can help me keep that straight as this nightmare plays out.

Thanks for bringing this up Itsa. It's helping me to process all the thoughts that have been accumulating.

Thanks Kirby. The hugs do help.

I can't wait until I don't hurt anymore.

I need to come up with something to tell myself when I start hurting over the rejection and loss of my hopes and dreams, with my stbx. Something in a few words or less that I can tell myself to make that immediate switch in my mind to go from pain to something better.

I'm not miserable all the time, but when those thoughts do enter my mind, I feel the pain physically as well as emotionally.

Maybe if I can come up with some POSITIVES to pain I can use that to flip the thoughts faster. Any suggestions?

also knew ahead of time that when it came to decisions about the divorce, even though I didn't want it, I wasn't going to be passive about it, and it would be strictly a business deal. If I put emotions into it, I'll lose.

I wish I could have detached better than I did. However, this is where my lawyer came into play. I probably wasted a bunch of money but emotionally I was not prepared to handle it face to face to "work out" an agreement. Too emotional. I'm envious.

You are right that if things get heated then you will not want reconciliation. Do you still want that?

MJ, I'll be surprised if this helps you, but I can say looking back, that it certainly helped ME.

A short back-story: Early in my days in A.A., I went to a meeting and heard the man who was to become my sponsor say,

God, I hated to hear that. Yet this man (who now has 50 years of sobriety) was calm, assured and experienced. I knew he had to be right.

So I asked him to be my sponsor.

When my WxW immolated our marriage, one of the first things I did -- with trepidation -- was to call him. I was afraid of what I was going to hear him say.

Yep:

It had been many years between utterances, but he'd been right all along. So I clung to that piece of wisdom. I still do.

Because he IS right.

Think about it.

I still feel the emotions with each discussion about the dismantling of our marriage, but I don't base my decisions on those emotions. And so far, I haven't had to see him in person to do any of this. I think that would be harder. I'd have to prepare myself for that. It'd be easier if I felt indifferent, but I'm not there at this point. It's all been handled by e-mail so far.



Yes, as long as he was committed to protecting our marriage, on his own. Plus, he'd have to provide me with as much grace as I've provided him for all the past stuff.

Actually Fred, I have used that, and at the time it was a tremendous help. I still pull that one out and use it. There's a little peace in knowing the emotion I am feeling at the moment will pass and get better. I clung to that one actually.

And while that quote is useful, I'm still left with that immediate pain that I have to hold, acknowledge, and let go. Maybe that's the only way to get through the grieving process. I don't know.

I was just hoping for some magic thought about pain that would make me feel better about having it when I do.

If you find one, patent it and bottle it. You'll make a fortune!

I'm afraid this is one of those things we have to feel and process our way through.

In A.A. we call these AFGO: Another F***ing Growth Opportunity.

Lol....




/shrug. Must be more opportunities to be had, hunh?



Hmmmm....I'll have to give that some thought.

Fred....that actually helps a little. I could occupy my mind on how I can make money off my pain, then maybe that would distract me.

Today was a good day.

The morning started out with some good news from my boss, which I don't think I'll share here, in case the stbx could be reading. Let's just say, I am happy, and my employers like me.

I stopped to pick up some chinese food, and a nicely dressed gentleman walked past me, stopped, and told me I was beautiful.

With a little help from a friend of mine, I made an 85 on my exam today, which I had barely, and I mean barely, studied for.

I have a smile on my face right now.

Just fyi....I had some unreal meditation/praying going on Monday, while in my car before class, of all places. It was raining and I had about an hour before class.

I was visualizing angels on white horses all around me, picking me up and leading me into battle for what feels like a meaningful and spirtual purpose. It was so vivid. And no, I wasn't under the influence of anything other than surrender to my higher power. I have felt empowered ever since.

I've had the faith of a mustard seed lately, so I'm grateful for any good things that come.

Glad to hear the good news and that your head/spirit are doing well MJ.

And since you were looking for quotes, and I seem to have a lot of them...here's one for ya.

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

I don't remember who said it, and I'm too lazy right now to look it up.

Keep on keepin on MJ!

Like!

Thanks Itsa. I appreciate the well wishes, and the quote!



Back atcha brother.

MJ, I am so happy for you! That is one heck of a day!!! Mine has been interesting to say the least!!!! Can't even say it was bad...Just interesting....

Now, the challenge for you is to make tomorrow better than today!!! That's what i keep trying to tell myself, although I haven't done a very good job of following my own advice! Ha Ha....

Got to feel pretty good to have a nice looking gentleman tell you that! I cannot see you in person, but from what you have said on these forums I can tell that you are a beautiful person on the inside! I think that has to count for something!!!

Oh, and not to sound like a smarty pants but the above quote is a marine thing! Here's a good one all of us need to remember sometimes.... Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right. Henry Ford

Thanks! I'm still grinning, and I feel even happier because your post to me sounded upbeat, considering the talk you had earlier with the OM's BW. I'm glad to hear that.



Indeed it was. Sounds like you were able to answer some of your questions. I know what a relief that can be, even if it's hard to hear.



Now that is a challenge. I'll start by smiling at everyone I see.




Yes, he seemed genuine and I was flattered. It was a nice drive by.



Thanks CM. That means a lot to me. The feeling is mutual.

The truth is, I try to take care of my looks, but it is what's on the inside the counts the most to me. I'm proud of the person that I'm becoming. I've worked hard for it. We all have.



I can see the marines saying that!



Hahaha....love it!

Here's another one........

"If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?"
T.S. Eliot

How do you do all of the quotes in the posts? I just quick reply most of the time.

Yes, a bit more peppy in my post. I figured that I will never know the entire truth, both STBXS are liars and cheaters, and I look at myself in the mirror and think, OMG!!!! Honestly, I look like CRAP! So, the good thing is I know how to get my physical appearance back to where it was before. Just have to get to work! I intend on starting that this weekend.

MJ, be careful with the smiling! You could break a lot of men's hearts doing that too much!!! It will definitely lead to more "drive by's" and many phone numbers being tossed your way!!!

Instead of using quick reply, use the "reply" button at the bottom of a post. That reply window will give you a tool bar with the quote feature, and others as well.



I wonder if that pep was due to the insights you received while talking to the BW? This may sound crazy considering what all you found out that can hurt, but just knowing why your efforts at recovery failed seems like it would provide some relief. Things are probably making sense now in some ways, except for the irrational actions of the wayward.

I've been trying to look at the wayards as them "lying and cheating", instead of stating that they "are liars and cheaters". Difficult to do. The core of who I am is not the flaws I ocassionally reveal. I guess I'm an eternal optimistic.




It's amazing how going through something like this can take on toll on your overall well being. Physical exercise in one of the best things you can do to start feeling better. I'm doing yoga, and I love it. What kind of things are you going to do to get back to where yo want to be?



*grin* You know what I've noticed? Ever since I replaced anger and bitterness with forgiving, AND have been giving off loving vibes wherever I go, it seems that more people are drawn to me. I think they are seeing the reflection of my insides on the outside. Try it, you'll see.