This is a very important issue and you are correct to wonder about it. I too have been through this and I would now never underestimate the devious, callous depths to which a craven WH will go to keep having a fulfilling marriage with his loving wife and family and also illicit sex with OW.

I would not tell you to trust him. That would be entire wrong and foolish. The problem is, you will not find out about whether this was planned between them and whether he is still in touch with her by asking him. You already know how capable he is of lying with a straight face. There will never be any point in discussing this to find out the truth.

The only way that you will gain knowledge and (I hope) reassurance will be for you to spy on him and say NOTHING about the fact that you are doing this. If you find something, you must act on it. If you do not find anything, you spy intermittently for some time but do not reveal that you are doing this.

Being angry and questioning him, though, is neither arming yourself nor protecting yourself. It is merely tipping him off to hide his behaviour more carefully if there is anything to hide, and alienating him if there is nothing to hide.

Do you accept that you should move - either house or just schools - now? Have you talked to H about doing this?

This seems so obvious now that you have put it in those words. Sometimes I feel like such a shmuck.

We already moved house and it was done on his suggestion ... but clearly it was not far enough. I have discussed the school situation with him and he is waffling because DD cries at the suggestion. I have made up my own mind that DD will change at the beginning of next year.

I would like to give him the chance to be a man and do the right thing to protect his family without me "demanding" that DD change schools. Still working on my approach... but it WILL happen.

You're not a schmuck, pf, far from it! We should not be having to see our spouses in this way. There is something very wrong with knowing that he will lie to you seemingly without any trouble, and that you have to keep him at arms length to some degree. You are supposed to be united in marriage and yet you must be prepared that he might be betraying you. It shouldn't be like that, and that is why you are not prepared for it. You didn't sign up for this!

However, you must use the Policy of Joint Agreement and Dr Harley's guidelines for safe negotiation when you discuss schools with your H. Your H should be as concerned as you are that your daughter must not bump into the woman that slept with her father, and he should be concerned about you also. There should be no need for you to put your foot down; it shouldn't come to that. Nonetheless, you should not make an independent decision about anything affecting your marriage or children.

If your H is truly on the same page as you in R, he will also be on board in considering moving. Neither of you will complete the healing process when you're in constant fear of the OW popping up, and pursuing you school to school.

I would suggest a significant move, not just to a nearby city. This will be of such benefit to both of you in the long run, and make a world of difference to your family.