Me: betrayed wife
Married: 6 years
Discovery day: June 2010
Separated: June 2010...WH moved out
No children

My husband (WH) is having an EA/PA with a female co-worker (OW). The A has been going on for 1.5 years. I found out 7 months ago and we immediately separated, (he left) as he refused to stop seeing OW, saying he loves her, she understands him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I was shocked, devasted and completely blindsided and confused as I thought we had a good marriage and I loved him so very much. He also became very cruel saying things like: I promise if you had been a better wife this would not have happened! He used to apologize if he was in the wrong, now he just blames me for absolutely anything and everything. This hurt so much, I sometimes wonder why I�m still breathing! From what I�ve read, I understand that this is typical affair �fog� talk, but it still hurts deeply, as I don`t even know who he is anymore. He has also turned into a compulsive liar about everything in his life, not just the affair.

What I can�t wrap my head around is that he has thrown his whole life away for this affair relationship, which I can�t imagine can go anywhere at all. Let me explain.

He left our comfy home, but not to move in with her, but rather he is renting a room in a stranger�s house. He has left our marriage (barely contacts me at all), he has been expelled from our church for his adultery. His immediate and extended family, and all his former friends are all of the same faith and no longer communicate with him because of his refusing to stop his adultery. He used to love his family and friends very much. He has given up absolutely everything that used to be important to him and that he worked really hard for. He�s also spending himself into ruin. Trips, very expensive hobbies, memberships at 2 different gyms, new clothes ($1000 in just one month). One cell phone bill I found was $2000 from all the minutes he uses to call her...some conversations lasting as long as 5 hours! They call each other on average about 18-20 times per day! It�s so irresponsible and very immature.

Here`s the even more sickening part: the OW is in a committed relationship and is still living with her boyfriend of 5 years in a home they own together. Her boyfriend doesn't know about the A yet (I just realized), and she recently went on vacation with her boyfriend, while my WH waited in the wings. From what WH has told me, he seems convinced that the OW loves him and plans to runaway with him someday. WH has told me I don`t understand the home situation of the OW, and that she has not be intimate with her boyfriend in the past year and he wouldn`t care if she was having an affair anyway. I find all this impossible to believe if OW is going to a tropical resort with her BF for 2 weeks! I think she is totally stringing him along.

My question is, why is my WH so incredibly gullible. This has been going on for over a year and he`s still not changing his tune about her. Will it ever come to a point when he sees this for what it is and grows tired of being her cheap thrill on the side (he�s given it all up for her, she�s given up absolutely NOTHING!). Will he ever come to his senses and eventually want more than just a stolen kiss at the job site, or a lunch hour romp in the back of his truck? I can�t even have a calm discussion with him. He gets very angry the odd time I�ve tried to calmly point this out.

Sometimes I can tell he's miserable. He has taken up drinking quite a bit. He`s put on some weight and his face gets very red. From his bank statements I see he is spending a lot of money on alcohol. Other times he appears very pleased with himself. I don`t know what he�s doing to his life and I don�t know how to make him stop!

I implemented plan A right away after D-day but to no avail. WH was too into the OW to care. He would only call me very briefly every few weeks about something related to our house or finances, he bought me winter tires last month and dropped them off, and he occasionally stops by to shovel the driveway, but he�s doesn�t seem the least bit interested in our marriage, or even caring to apologize. I just ended up feeling very used. He said he was doing it because he�s �a nice guy� and is trying to make this easier for me. I figures I was just his good deed for the day so he can carry on with his affair guilt free.

So I just started plan B this week and have asked him to not contact me at all in any way until he either ends the affair and he straightens up his life, or files for divorce.

My question is, will he ever wake up?

I'm a little confused and would love some clarification if anyone can provide some insight.

I've read so much that most affairs die off on their own because there is no real commitment holding the affair partners together, and the lies and deception eventually turns on the affair partners. So many sources say that affairs die off �naturally� within 2-4 years, the passion wanes and the affair is more trouble than it�s worth. The fog lifts and they see reality.

Then I read so much that affairs are lifetime addictions and should be treated as such. Without interventions, exposure, and no contact with AP for life, the A will go on forever...

So which is it? Do affairs only last for 2-4 years because they are hopeless and based on fantasy, or are they lifetime addictions?

I�m asking as I�m wondering if my WH will ever see the light on his own or is he addicted to the OW for life?
Is there any hope that at least I�ll be able to have a calm and level headed conversation with him at some point or is this the new him? I just can`t wrap my head around his actions.

Rainbeau, welcome to the best place to be in your circumstances.

Read as much as you can from this website and you will start to see how ordinary your situation actually is. This is not to minimize your pain but to assure you that as the situation is common so are common and proven also the solutions provided here.

As your question whether this affair is for life. Definitely not. The only thing that keeps it alive is the secrecy and fantasy that has been built around it. You see - they cannot actually be together and that has prolonged the situation (you automatically want something that you know you cannot have). That also means that if they start life together (which they don't!) then this relationship will burst like a bubble. I guess they know it in some kind of subconcious level that's why they are keeping this affair in the level you are witnessing.

So, what about you then? I guess you are now ready to stop playing this sick game.

Therefore, use MB plan that will work.

1) Get evidence
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461388&page=1

2) Expose
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

Since OW BF does not know, informing him is a very effective weapon against the affair. Of course your WH will be very angry (very very angry, be warned) but his anger does not kill your marriage, his affair does (and the anger will dissipate fast when the affair is ended).

3) Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2458276&page=1

You mentioned that you have been in plan A but remember, plan A has also "stick" side.

You cannot have the level headed conversation with him before the affair is ended.

The boyfriend needs to know.
The affair may not die until it is exposed.

Please, click on the carrot/stick link in my sig line and read it top to bottom.
Pay close attention to the bit about exposure and why there ought not be any warning.

Yes the OW BF must be told.

Your WH is no different then the OW that hang around waiting for years for the WH to leave his BW, which the WH never intends to do.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my story and for your really good advice! I really appreciate it.

To "Recon6mon", thank you for the helpful links. To the points you listed:

1) Get Evidence � I do have plenty of evidence about the affair.

2) Expose - Exposure so far: I have told my WS�s family and mine. All our friends know about the affair. Some people at their place of work know, as WS and OW don�t hide it too well.

Also, I just found out, by a huge coincidence, that at least 3 of the OWBF�s very good friends now know as well. They indirectly found out through me. It turns out my co-worker's husband is a friend of the BF. My co-worker told her husband and another couple who are best friends with the BF & OW. The BF�s friends are upset but for some reason are struggling with exposure to the BF.

Although I have read the documented facts that exposure can be the most effective way to end an affair, I have struggled with exposing it to the BF myself. Here are my reasons:

I think the only way I would expose to the BF is if I knew him personally. I don't know the OW or her BF. Maybe I�m being over dramatic, but what if the OW tries to seek revenge somehow? What if her BF tries to hurt my WS? I would be partially responsible.

Mainly, my reason for not exposing more than I already have, is that my WS knows full well how wrong his actions are. He is not blind to how much he is hurting me, his family, my family, and our friends, but he doesn't seem to care right now. To have an affair is a conscious CHOICE he is making. How far do I go to bring his choices down on him? My WS seems to lack personal integrity. What kind of a man would I be left with if the only reason he stopped being unfaithful was because I made it "impossible" for him to be? Wouldn't it be best if he comes to his own conclusion on that? Otherwise he�ll spend his life thinking �what if� about her, and I will spend my life throwing a wrench into all of his bad choices just to keep him faithful to me. That would be a painful way to live. I think the affair should end because he wants it to end. Does this make any sense?

3) You say Plan A has a stick side as well - Can you explain what the "stick side" is exactly, maybe I missed the explanation? Does it mean to focus on working on myself as an individual and finding personal growth and fulfilment on my own?

Rainbeau,

You need to tell OWBF because it is the right thing to do. Whether you know him or not is irrelevant. You have information that he has a right to know so that he can protect himself. Right now, you are protecting the perpetrators. THAT is wrong!

As far as worrying about whether he hurts your WH, well, that would be natural consequences to his sinful behavior, would it not?

The reason you need to expose is because it is the best weapon to end the affair. Right now OW has no reason to leave your WH alone. She can pursue him all she wants because you are enabling her to do so. Pick up your weapons and fight for your marriage. Unless of course, you don't think it's worth fighting for.

Your husband is currently in a fog so thick that he cannot see right from wrong, good from bad, and righteous from wicked.

Right now you are enabling and encouraging WH to stay in his affair because you have not exposed to OWBF. It's great that you have done other exposure, but this one is very important.

When I was struggling to understand how my wonderful, Godly husband could turn from everything he believed and everything he loved, God gave me this verse....

...But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. James 1:14-15

Your husband was tempted through his own fleshy desire. When he entertained his fleshy desire (for admiration and attention from someone other than his wife), he opened himself up to Satan, who has dragged him away. Hence....the fog I mentioned. If he does not get out of his fog, his sin will overtake him and he will be dead---spiritually.

Expose to OWBF. Fight for your husband and for your marriage.

Not only does OWBF need to be told but their workplace needs to know as well. You should expose to their workplace using the exposure letter template that was written by Brit's Brat.

Let the consequences of their affair fall where they should, on the shoulders of the guilty.

My guess is that your husband is not her only "boyfriend" on the side.

That will not sit well with him when he finds out.

Do NOT tell him "I told you so". Just be ready for him to crash when she dumps him, because she will be very rude and mean. She is a user.

Rainbeau, welcome to Marriage Builders. Please listen to the others if you want to save your marriage. The affair must be exposed to the right people. It will do very little good to expose it to those who have very little influence over the OW and your H.

Expose it to the OW's boyfriend and to the workplace. That will have a much greater impact.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. You are all so supportive!

One more question, please tell me what will happen once I expose the affair to the OW's boyfriend? I need to be prepared.

I can imagine my WH will be angry, but what exactly will this do to his relationship and FEELINGS for the OW? Everyone on his end (me, friends, family) already knows and are not communicating with him. He's still hell bent to carry on with the affair despite the huge consequences he's already facing.

That is very unrealistic and usually not how people sober up. He isn't likely to wake up and magically realize the error of his ways unless you give him a much needed dose of reality and help kill the source of his fog. Most addicts don't sober up until you take away their boozse. That is what you need to do with your H. Kill this affair, get him away from the OW nad THEN he will become sober enough to conclude that adultery is wrong. He just needs a little help.

And in effect, you are enabling his fog by helping and the OW hide their dirty secret from the BF and the workplace. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it helps them all.


No, the stick side is doing everything in your power to kill the affair. This isn't exactly an appropriate time to go looking for personal growth and I seriously doubt you will find much "fulfillment" when you are being abused by your spouse. Of course, there is nothing more fulfilling at the moment than unleashing a rash of holy hell on the OW and your WS and killing his affair.

Well, what do you think will happen?

One is sure, it will force OW to decide. It is very likely that she dumps your WH because he has become too much trouble.

So, their "relationship" eg affair will end.

His feelings start fade away right after the affair is ended. It takes time, yes but it is sure that if there is no contact, feelings will start to disappear. If he is still pining after OW after, lets sey 4-6 months then it means that some form of contact has been preserved.

You are getting excellent advice.
#1. You are so lucky to go into plan B without children!
#2. WHO is your IM? ("Neutral" person who can communicate relative info between you guys without any drama.)
#3. Did you write a plan B letter? -- So WH clearly knows your understanding and conditions for return? or did you tell your WH to "never,ever,ever,ever talk to you again?"
#4. Do you understand the reasons plan b is for the BS?
#5. Tell the OW boyfrined. Pity sake. It is the Christian thing to do. You help hide the lies, you become part of the lie. In fact, you become a crutial player in the deciet, because you have the closest relationshop/motivation for exposure.

I am so sorry that you are here. But moving into the plans without prep. may hurt you.

To answer your question.

The longer you read here you will see that most A's do not last over a long period. That does not mean the orgional M is restored, but you can be encouraged by the stories listed here.

There are many people here who are recovered affairaholics, who have restored their M to a BETTER standing.

#1. Yes, I'm glad there are no children involved. That would add to the devastation and make the Plans much harder to implement.

#2. I don't have an IM ("Neutral" person) but I found we have no reason to at this point. In the last several months I have found we don't need to contact with each other for any day to day matters (finances, house repairs, mail pick-up, etc). Our finances are set up so that all bills/mortgage are auto debited from our accounts (he pays for most expenses and hasn�t stopped). I do work so thankfully I can just get by without having to ask him for money. I also have some really helpful friends and neighbors who can help out with house issues if I need it. We don't need to have any communication that I foresee until he either ends the affair and is committed to rebuilding our marriage (my obvious hope and prayer!) or he sends me divorce papers. I used to wish we had more reasons to contact each other for my Plan A, but it is making Plan B much easier for me to stick to.

#3. Yes, I did write a Plan B letter. It basically stated:
�the life he is living and the choices he is making are hurting me more than he can imagine. I told him I still care about him and our marriage and I want the best for him but I cannot continue to communicate with him while he is hurting me by his life choices, as it is too painful for me. I said, this is not meant to punish him, but instead to help me heal from these very deep wounds. That is why I am asking that he not contact me any further (no calls, texts, visits to the house) until he has sorted out his life and made his final decision, which means he either ends the affair, repents to God, and commits to rebuilding our marriage, or he files for divorce. This letter will be my final contact with him until his decision is reached. Thanks for respecting my wishes.�

#4. I do understand that Plan B is to help the BS. In Plan A, I did everything I could to be a better wife and person, was supportive, kind, and really worked on being calm (for the most part), completely backed off, didn�t ask about the affair and did my own thing acting happy and positive. Then I realized that nothing was changing. He wasn�t moving any closer to me. In fact he got nastier. I found it hurt every time he would contact me about day to day things but would be so cold and distant with me. So I started avoiding his calls/texts but then I finally put it in writing (a requirement of Plan B I see) that I do not want him to contact me at all until he has reached his final decision. It's very good to know that these are proven tactics. I sure hope they work!!!

#5. Okay, I will tell the OWBF! Yes, he does have the right to know. This will be difficult but I will come up with a plan ASAP and expose...!

Sounds to me like you are on the right track. I think an IM is going to be needed, tho, as long as your house, taxes and other items are still in both names.

Do you know someone?

How long in Plan B?

I'll keep an IM in mind...We file taxes separately already as he owns his own business so we won't have to discuss tax matters at all.

We'll need an IM I imagine if we sell the house because of divorce...hope it doesn't come to that

In Plan B for just over a week (monday, Jan 17)...

How do I go about exposing to the OW boyfriend? Is there a prefered method? By phone, in person, in writing?

What do i say?

"Hi, you don't know me personally but unfortunately I need to inform you that for over a year your girlfriend has been having an affair with my husband at their work place. I'm very sorry to have to tell you this but I feel you have the right to know. I have evidence if you would like to see it. I know the affair is still going on..."

Yes, Rainbeau, that is pretty much what you say. I would add in that you love your husband and want to restore your marriage. I would keep this line of communication open with him in case your WH tells you he has ended the affair. You and OWBF can compare "notes" to verify no contact. I would do this exposure by calling and talking directly with him. If you are concerned about OW answering, try to contact him at his work.

You are doing great. It sounds like you've done much right. This step is just too important to leave undone.

Please notify their workplace as well. Your goal is to battle the affair and these are powerful tools to do that.

So I'm going to expose to the OW boyfriend today! I will let you know how it goes.