DCmama,
Reading your post reminds me of my wayward ex wife and the things she said to me. You�ve re-written the history of your marriage. It happened to me as well. I heard about grave things I did years before which my WW was throwing in my face.
I also heard the haunting words that she couldn�t forgive me unless we divorced first.
What would we tell your H if he came here on this board. First we would tell him to own up to his own flaws in getting the marriage to this point and to correct them.
Then we would advise him to expose your affair to everyone, including your family, his family, friends, and especially the wife of the OM.
If you actually did pursue divorce, we�d advise him to make it as hard and difficult on you as possible in addition to going for sole physical and legal custody.
You said something which we need to correct you on immediately. You said it has only been an emotional affair. Well, an affair is an affair. We don�t distinguish between the two here. You�re getting your emotional needs met by another man online.
The greatest shock my ex had was that I fought her tooth and nail for custody. She got two lawyers (versus my one) and fought me for every drop of time I got with my kids.
I won, while she spent herself into years of debt, and secured my rights as a father and secured my kid�s rights to see their father.
You see, the path you�re choosing to go down is one fraught with unexpected consequences. There is no convincing your H that a split should be friendly. Mine fooled me initially, but what she was really seeking, as you are now, is a free license to go out with other men.
The worst thing you can do is convince yourself that the kids will be ok or that they don�t care, because they really do. My DD was 3 and my boys were 1 when we split. My DD has openly expressed how she wishes we all lived together.
She will eventually know the truth. I didn�t want our marriage to end. I fought tooth and nail to secure the relationship between the kids and I, and they will eventually know that their mother cheated on me while I was deployed for the war.
The ugly truth is that you�re having an affair and no one here is going to give you what you want to hear unless what you want to hear is how you can best repair your marriage.
The first step for you is to cutoff the OM for life and never speak to him again. The next step is to tell your H what you�ve done and get the help you need to restore this betrayal.
And understand that it is YOU that needs to be forgiven, not the other way around. YOU have just committed a violation of trust and love that is so deep that you can�t even imagine it right now. The trauma of infidelity is as bad as rape and it is YOU that is in violation.
That�s the harsh truth. We�re willing to help you restore your marriage, but if you want justification for your cheating, then I suggest you go to
www.iwanttobeanadultereranddestroymyfamily.com.
and gets a lot of good information on this thread.