Yes you're correct I am not stooping to revenge affairs or flirting. Thanks for pointing this out and so I am making some progress.

I actually stayed pretty calm, until he starts blameshifting.

So what are some ideas on what to say or do when he does this?

I think I need to focus on this and so any ideas?

Just state the facts to him, no emotion.

Also, he needs to know that it is still not acceptable to have friends of the opposite sex.

Remind him;

I refuse to remain in a marriage where you are involved with other women.

This is his XW and he always uses the excuse it's about his DD.
Im thinking him and his ex have unresolved issues and he wants to be with her.
Actions speak louder than words.

I think I am supposed to back out and let them have each other. He can be her problem.

PLEASE I could really use some clarity at to what is going on and to see if I'm proceeding correctly with MB ways.

So when I finally got the emails from his XW the only one she had that said anything was "I miss yall". When I asked her for the email that she told me that she had of him asking her to meet him, her tune changed and said that was a phone conversation. Hmmmm?

He said that he should not have used that kind of verbage and that he understands that he shouldn't be emailing her about anything other than what has to do with his DD. This is something I have been asking him for years but he thinks it will help keep the peace with his XW. He did apologize to me and said he understands that he shouldn't even be using that verbage with any other woman other than his wife.

I understand that it's still waywardness and so I forwarded all the emails to my work email and will keep them.

So I decided to do what Dr. Harley said and Plan A from afar until he returns next month.

WH also said that when he gets back we are going to sit down and work on this marriage.

So am I missing anything?

S.O.S

Just Learning if you have time, could you please give me some wisdom?

Thanks.

Ok so he sends me some more pictures from where he is at and one of them is of the Rugby team and he is pulling the hair of the woman in front of him.

His explaination is that the photogapher told him to do it and this woman was laying across another woman and it was supposed to be a funny shot.

So how do you not get upset, when you know they continue, to have weak boundaries?

So I sent an email and told him I thought that was BS for them to have a picture like that.

Plan A from afar that is what I'm trying to continue but having many days of "takerhood".

I'm still trying to work on that.

I have put out a new thread to get you some help, hopefully someone will come along and help you.

I am just concerned I am quite new round here and don't want to dish out too much advice.

My guess is that they will say continue in PLan A, and set a date to move to Plan B as it sounds as though he is wayward but you will need some concrete evidence.

Have you got the funds to get a PI?

Hang in there lady!

Thanks Harmony I have missed you.

I am saving some money for it but money is very tight.

I am trying my best to stay in Plan A from afar at least until he is back and I see how everything goes.

I am continuing to work on my AO.

How do you deal with it when they are still wayward and have weak boundaries?

WH says he wants to work on the marriage and so I asked him are you willing to stop having female friends and what else are you willing to do?

Hey Brainhurts,

It is great your H wants to work on the marriage.

Can you not get him to do some Reading of the MB site? Perhaps the 2 of you could get a session with Steve Harley on a plan to rebuild the trust.

My only thought is that you have received a lot of advice on your thread but I don't see many examples of what your doing to answer / act on the advice.

Let me know what you think.

Keep posting!!

Harmony,

Could you please tell me what advice Im not taking or doing? I have been reading and responding to every post on my thread.

I don't want to miss anything. I read and post and ask questions. I don't get much direction so I try and wing it and obviously not making the right decisions.

This is what I've been doing
Plan A from afar but struggle with getting mad when I find out things like the pictures and the emails from his XW.
I have been working on me. Eating right, working out, hanging with friends, picking up hobbies and reading, reading and asking.
Im working on my boundaries and putting precautions in.

I actually made some improvement in the boundaries. I got invited to go to a NBA( I absolutely love sports) game with a bunch of my workmates and they were all male. I did not go but I sure struggled with the decision because I was mad at WH. I know some people wouldn't even had a second thought but I made the right decision.

So I know I still have work but Im trying.
I did talk to Dr. Harley and my WH and I have been trying to POJA little things while he is 10k miles away.
I can't afford Steve Harley at this time because money is extremely tight.

I know I can't do much while he is away but I feel like when I need some direction I don't know which way to turn.

So please tell me what I am missing.

I did ask him to please read some of the information on here and he says he has

This is a foggy, wayward mentality - and I don't know the exact mechanism behind it.

One is thinking that they can have a "friedship" with an AP, the other is thinking that they can keep pushing the line with opposite-sex friends.

I think part of it is them wanting to "prove" something, but I don't know who - or if they can somehow be "just friends" they think it somehow diminishes the crime they have committed.

The fact is, no matter their rationale, it's just inviting disaster.

Thanks HHH for coming back to my thread.

Exactly I know this is wayward talk and how do I deal with it?

I told him it hurts me that you talk and text these other women. He said it's nothing and Im exaggerating and jealous.

Until I found this site and showed him how many others think the same way as me he always made it out to be me. Now he's starting to see.

How do I get him to really buy in when we have so many other hurdles? I see the light and he says and does at times and then at others he is complete wayward.

I know I can only change me and I guess if he never changes?

He says he wants to work on the marriage but the actions are limited.

When he was home for that short time I did see a change and then bam the emails from his ex which I still don't know if I handled that right.

I need you guys to bounce stuff off of and I need to not be so reactive.

The ex thing is something I can't echo too much on.

Of course, there ARE appropriate interactions if he is married to you. However, there is the portion where it is the mother of his child.

Those interactions do need to be limited to interactions revolving around the child/children only - they can be civil or amicable, but anything more is opening a door to disaster. Besides, I'm quite sure his X would torpedo his marriage given the chance, even if she didn't want him back.

He really needs to manage his opposite-sex interactions.

Tell him that yes, you are jealous - that you firmly believe you have something worth keeping, and that his actions with these other women are a threat to that, and you are behaving in a way which defends something precious to you.


Been kind of shying away from SAA a bit - had some raw times and it was best to not dredge for a bit.

I hope everything is ok? You are such an asset to these boards. I understand when you need a break because this is tough place to be.

I do understand that he needs to talk to exes about the kids, I do I get that. I also know that they try and torpedo when they get the opportunity.

So what should I do if she tries to send emails again? Did I do the wrong thing with having her send me the emails? Also it's his word against hers. He admits he shouldn't have used the language he did.

I know I shouldn't go from love you to divorce in a leaping bound.

I just don't know how to get him to get it? I guess only time will tell?

I told him I don't want to keep going down the same road.

I just want an awesome, loving marriage.

Thanks for the jealous comeback because that is exactly what I say to him.

BH,

you said If he never changes then you have a decision to make. A hard one but it will be YOUR DECISION. You understand that?

Let me give you a little lecture about marriage as seen by JL OR?

When you stood up before family, friends, church, etc. and said your vows you made several promises didn't you? Who did you make those promises to? I Know, I know, let me answer.

You said them to your H, you said them to the witnesses at your wedding, but you made those promises to yourself. After all who was going to enforce those promises? Only you my dear girl. Who was going to assess how well you kept your promises to yourself? Your H. If it did not pass the smell test with him, something needed to change, right? This is why the "well she is not here to see me so I can get away with this." type of thinking is still wrong. Because the person that is being violated with regard to these promises the person who has to keep them. It is a matter of pride, a matter of honor, a matter of boundaries. I have never cheated on my W,not because she would catch me, she very likely would not. I never cheated on my W because I would always know I cheated.

Why am I having this conversation with you? Well, it seems to me you and your H need to have this conversation. You need to tell him how you think of him and how it is his job to keep his promises. It is not your job to catch him. You let him know that his behavior does not pass the "smell" test. But, that you are not going to be his conscience. You are simply going to react to what he does, and if he burns up enough love before he gets back, he may find he has no marriage to work on.

This not a threat. This is reality, you are losing deposits in your love bank each and every time Mr. Personality contacts the exW inappropriately, every time he fails to honor your marriage and take into account your sensitivities. He would be doing the same, if you posted on your face book pictures of you out partying with a bunch of guys, and kissing them. How would he like that?

It is HIS job to lead the right live, just as it is YOUR job to do the same.

BH, you cannot control him like a child, and if he acts like a child he will not make much of a husband. That is HIS job.

Your job is to work on yourself.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I'm no asset. I'm a greenie, a rookie. I'm wrong a lot of the time. Sometimes I go on gut more than MB. And I'm struggling just like anyone else.

Not to be relied upon, ok?

So, were I to go straight-up MB about this, I would say that his best shot would be to move interaction with the X to something through and IM to protect his current M.

And you definitely shouldn't go from recovery to D in talks with him in a single bound, and certainly not several times. Each time you do, you take the teeth out of the thought and prove yourself dishonest and not firm in your convictions.

Never make threats.

Hi BH

Pleased your getting a little more action going on your thread. Yes your right, my apologies you have been implementing a lot of the advice you are getting.



This is good progress BH, I have been there and use to love getting male attention, especially because I wasn't getting it at home. This is not a good quality and is actually quite sad, and I have had to learn, and its actually a really great feeling, that I do not need a man to make me feel good about myself. In fact, its a bit of a nightmare as since I have become confident in my own skin and polite to other males, but not flirtatious, I seem to be attracting more attention, weird. Anyway one (of the many) defining things JL said to me, is that confident, healthy, mature and good man, can smell our flirtation/neediness a mile off!! He was right you know. So what I am saying BH, is that you need to get yourself to a point where regardless of how things are with your H, whether he is treating you well or not, you don't need to go to get validation/revenge/ego stroking from any other man. I think your getting there, but still have some way to go as it still crosses your mind. This is important whatever the outcome of your M.

Please don't accept any further poor treatment with your H, and I think its high time you sat him down and in a friendly calm way explain what you expect out of a marriage, and listen to his response.

I like JLs approach, but he certainly should be behaving better towards you, and if it continues Plan B will be looming. Also, remember that you can't ask of him something you can't give, so like Steve Harley said to me, keep yourself tidy Harmony!!

Bye 4 now,

Harmony

Thank you, thank you JL for coming back to my thread. Your wisdon is much needed for me.

So I did ask him back in November, right after he was deployed, if he wanted to save this marriage and he said yes. I asked him recently what it is that he is willing to do for our marriage. He has said all the right things and did show some improvement when he was home those two weeks he did keep his phone out and I have passwords to everything. I also checked the phone records of when he was on the phone and other than his XW there wasn't much. I have asked him to check out the MarriageBuilders website and he says he has but when I ask him things like "so what did you think of this or that?" He acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about so I don't know or believe if he really has checked the site out or not.

After the blowout over the emails with his XW I asked him again what are you willing to do for this marriage and are you willing to not talk/text other females? He hasn't answered me on those specifics, which bothers me, but he said "I want this marriage and when I get back we are going to sit down and work on this marriage". I hate to say this but I feel like he just says those things to get me off his back and then the actions never happened. Maybe I'm just not being positive about this but I don't want to keep going down the same road because we all know where that has got me.

I am going to write out another letter with your input about how we both can enforce our promises to this marriage and tell him that if he doesn't step up then I will have to step out. I know I can not make threats and I know I shouldn't always throw my hands up and say divorce and so I am working on that. I do feel like my WH is the kind of person that if things don't hit the fan sort of speak he will not get off the pot. So I feel like if I don't "pull the rug out from under him" I won't get anywhere.

I know what kind of upstanding and woman I want to become and I know how I must continue to walk that path even if he is left behind.

When WH, Mr. Personality, thinks it is ok to be friends with other females and he thinks it is ok to say and do things that only a H should say to his wife it is frustrating and shows me how horrible I was when I had the same traits.

I have learned two major things from this path of recovery for myself. 1)I can be alone and am ok with that because I am the one who has to look myself in the mirror and 2)I want to be the kind of woman that I would be proud of and look up to and so I want to live my life the right way.

Thanks HHH for the IM idea acctually have been toying around with that thought for awhile and am thinking of a way to POJA it with him.

Thanks Harmony for the slap back to reality about my thoughts of attention from other men. I obviously still have work to do on this. Also thank you for sending out the SOS for me I really appreciate the help because I need it.

BH,


Sounds like my diet plan. JL you should lose some weight. "You are absolutely right, I think I'll lose about 20lbs."

How are you going to do this JL? "Oh! a little work here and a little there and pretty soon all will be good."

JL when are you going do this? " Oh! after the holidays, and the winter birthdays, and the spring birthdays, our birthdays, annniversary, you know when things slow down."

Reponse: "RIGHT!"



BH, you cannot work on a marriage sitting down, you do know this don't you.

You don't threaten him, you just tell him that everytime something comes up, abit of your love dies. When it dies, you will need to make some hard decisions.

Frankly, BH, he cannot do much from afar but hold station. But, he should be doing that. You continue to work on yourself and become a woman that you are proud of. A person you would be happy for one of your children to marry.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL