I would say that you can't actually enter Plan B until all of your WH's things are out of the house and he can no longer come into your house. You don't want him to get a family fix. Whatever he doesn't get before your Plan B needs to be moved out by someone else without WH even seeing your home.

Plan B is about you. I just wanted to know what your intent was before I advised you on anything in case it differed with what you wanted.

The kind of IM you need, does it need to be someone to exchange children? Does it need to be someone to take calls, or could they do it with text messages or emails? The answers to these questions may help open up your options for an IM.

Do you need any more help with your Plan B preparations? Throw stuff out here so we can help you sort it out. You don't need to do this alone and there are many of us out here who have either done Plan B or helped others do it.

I was hoping to have someone to filter e-mails, texts or calls but I think it isn�t going to be that easy with WH. I may need someone local just in case he decides he can pop in.

I would love some help and guidance on plan B. I have been working on the letter but have to post it for some feedback.

I didn�t hear from my SIL after she met with WH. I decided to check my e-mail. This was what she sent.

Tell him to take what ever he wants those things aren't what's important. You will set up a time to be out with your mom and he can make arrangements to pick up the stuff when your Dad is there. You would like to continue a civil /friendly relationship for the well being of the kids. Truce on any nasty comments or accusations because everything will come out in the end. From now on all communications regarding property and financial responsibility will be between HIS lawyer and YOUR lawyer. The paper trail will HAVE to be produced and your wrong about being able to do anything about it. Oh and by the way, my parents are staying indefinitely, so please call before you come over for the kids.

It looks like it didn�t go well.

Did your SIL write this to YOU? Is she telling you that you should let him have whatever he wants from the house? Also, is she talking about nasty comments from you to your WH? You can NOT maintain a "civil/friendly" relationship with your WH, especially during a Plan B. And no one in their right mind would tell you that you need to.

And the stuff about sending things through your lawyers, that's fine, but she isn't one, right?

I am actually angered by this email. What are your feelings about it?

If you were thinking about using this SIL as your IM, I would say, NOPE. Bad choice. You will only get more heartache than necessary. Keep thinking.

You will need to have plans in place in the event that your WH does try to come over after you have entered Plan B. Even if you think that he won't, most do. You need to have a plan in place n just about everything and keep a calm and cool head. See why it is so important for you to fog talk things? You don;t want anything to be changed around on you.

My advice, get your ducks lined up for Plan B, find that IM, stay calm and collected, and breathe.

Scotland,
That was what my SIL said I should say to WH. She is even more ticked off at him now that she finally got to talk to him. I got another e-mail from her saying she asked him a couple of times where he was staying but he avoided the question. Never mentioned the condo or the money. He talked about upcoming job interviews and small talk. When she finally had enough she told him basically what she told me to tell him but without the lawyer part.

I will post more in the AM. Our little one is sick and I am just getting her settled in and I am beat.
Thanks for being there for me.

I went to bed and before I fell asleep, I realized that I may have been wrong about that email. I am glad you corrected me.

There will be more people telling you to say differing things and most of the people who don't know MB will tell you what they think would be best for you. I stay that you need to stick to your plan and get advice from the vets on what to do and say.

That is what is great about my support system (including inlaws). They want to help and give me advice but they know I am getting help from MB and they support what I am doing and plan on doing. I hear a lot of "You know what is best. You are doing so well staying calm and true to yourself. And my favorite is "You're back!" I had become a shell of myself over the years with out realizing it. Now my head is clear, I am strong and I am moving forward. If WH wants to move in that direction with me, great. If he doesn't I am not going back to get him.

I went to bed after I posted. My DD was in my bed trying to go back to sleep. When she came in earlier she felt a little warm but not warm enough for me to be concerned. She couldn't sleep, she was restless. I felt her head 1/2 hour later and she was hot. She had a 103 temp! I got her medicine. It took about an hour for her to cool down enough to sleep. She was very upset, talking about death (her, me and WH) Then she brought up WH leaving. I have told her a few times that dad decided he didn't want to be with mommy anymore. He doesn't think it will work and it is best for him to leave. Apparently she is confused because Dad told her it was my decision and I asked him to leave. How do I handle this? I don't want to confuse her but I also don't want to get her stuck in the middle of his BS mess. I did get her calmed down and she finally fell asleep around 2:30. I fell asleep around 3 and got up at 6. I am beat but I have to get things done before mom and dad get here.

Good news is she seems much better this morning and her temp is down to 99.7. I am keeping her home with me today. As an added bonus that means I won't be alone with WH and his mood swings.

Here is what I am thinking of sending to WH. Note I do not even mention the $.

Let me know what weekend in February works best for you and I will make sure someone is here and the house is available for you to move all of your stuff. While you have the truck anyways you can take the big TV. That way you only have to rent the truck and have your friends help one time. Why don't you take one of the 3 TV's in the Florida room? That way you will have one and when you get your big TV you can move the smaller one into your bedroom.

I am still in plan A but I need to use a little stick. Thoughts?

I'm starting to wonder if the reason he doesn't want to take the big TV is just in case he changes his mind or has already planned to come back at one point. Him taking the big TV is more of a reality check than a possession I don't want. It isn't a trigger for me but an annoying constant reminder of WH.

@LGLG - Quite trying to convince your WS.


You are not giving him a chance to learn POJA. Giving him reasons why he should take the big TV, is not your job. You also are not giving yourself a chance to be Open and Honest. You feel that if he takes the other TV then he is taking advantage of you. So if any negotiation that may occur, he will be trying to make offers to you from a false position. So he will not be able to offer anything to satisfy your position. This can turn out frustrating for you. Another thing is that he may know what your position is and feel manipulated by you.

Gotcha, I still have a lot to learn. In a nut shell I am too concerned about him screwing me over and I am not being honest about how I feel.
I want the TV in the bedroom.
I want to discuss and come to a POJA on any items he wants to take that are not his.
I want him to get his stuff out of here.
I want to live in my home in peace.
I want him to respect me and my home. He has his own home. He is a visitor here. He needs to call and make sure his is welcome to come visit. He needs to give me the house key and use the doorbell.
I'm sure there is more but that is the jest of it. Of course the part about him coming here at all will change when I go into plan B.

He filed. I didn't get the official paperwork but got an advertisement from another lawyer with the case number.

@LGLG -

bwahhahhaaa!!!!! You got him reacting to you.

This means he filed a few days ago ('prolly Firday). After the petition is entered by the court, you may get many, many offers from other attorneys to represent you.

I lived through this cr@p. In my situation, we have decided to struggle through, but the petition was "on record" for 90 days until it expires. Those letters, hurt.

At first I thought they were like "divorce ambulance" chasers, but after reading them (and boy, did I), I found the info interesting...
AND
I learned how the Attorneys have way, way different attitudes about divorce. Crutial to taking your first steps.

sidnote.
You are going to have to be served, once that is official, you will have a timeline to respond to petition.

I am sorry, I read a lot of threads, do you have counsel?

Really? Is that what it was? I didn't think of it that way. Now I am curious. Make my day and tell me your thoughts.

It was filed on the 26th so he saw a lawyer before that. I guess for once he wasn�t lying when he told me it was in process.

I haven�t read up on your stitch, what do you mean by struggle through?
Actually the letter didn�t hurt. I did have a jolt when I first saw it but after I opened it and read the info there was a sense of relief.

What did you find interesting?
What do you mean by different attitudes?

He knows that you know about the condo. From what info you have passed onto us, it is not secured into his possession (bank loan). He knows that you know about the marital assets that he has taken and hidden.

I believe that he is now try to deflect you from stopping the securing of the condo.

You need to see an atty. I believe that an attorney can have those assets locked down such that neither of you can access them except for the maintenance of the marital home (mortgage, utilities, and upkeep) or medical, until a division of assets is decided by the courts. See an attorney.

Did WS fill out bank loan stating he was married or separated. Wouldn't bank like to see those D papers?

If he buys a condo while still married that asset is yours also. But in today's real estate market is that really a good investment.

Not legal advice. See an attorney about your rights and what actions you want to take

I know I am going to be served. Getting the letter today was good for me. Now I know it will be coming any time now and I know what to look for.
I got a referral for a lawyer a friend of a friend used. She had a similar situation regarding the financial issues. I called the lawyer and talked to the secretary for a while. The first available appointment isn�t until Monday. I told her about my stitch and asked her if it will hurt me by waiting that long. She said not really. Once he filed there is a standing hold on all finances. I could see someone sooner but it wouldn�t be someone highly recommended for my situation. She told me I have 20 days to respond after I receive the paperwork. If I can dodge them for a day or so that would be good. She told me it is ok to sign for it and not to worry about it. She also told me to call back if I get the name of the other lawyer. Here�s the juicy part� She asked for a number to reach me and I gave her the home number. She asked if it was ok to call and I said I have nothing to hide, if he answers just ask for me. Later on she mentioned us still living together and I told her about the condo. I told her he was in the process of buying it or may have already closed. He didn�t consult me on the purchase. There was a pause and she said �So, you didn�t sign anything regarding the purchase?� I told her I didn�t. She said �Well, that is going to be an issue for him because you need to sign off on it. Either he didn�t disclose he was married or there may be a forgery issue.� DOH! LGLG is chopping at the bit!

Thanks Clark_kent,
I am feeling better and more confident by the minute. I think WH has made things worse for himself. I don't think he told his lawyer the truth about the condo. I wouldn't be surprised if he asks me at the last minute to sign. I will tell him my lawyer has advised me not to sign anything.

(((((LGLG)))))

Sorry that you found out about the filing in this way, that has to hurt.

What you need to tell your daughter is the truth, since your WH isn't. I forget, how old is she?

Now, about the letter about his things. You need to keep a lot of the things out of there about what he can do with the things in HIS place. He could sell them, and it would be of no concern to you. HE isn't your problem anymore. He has chosen to be on his own, let him be on his own.

I would write a letter more like this,


Speak to an attorney and find out what you will legally be allowed to do with anything that he doesn't remove on that day. I packed all of my WHs belongings and that is ALL that he got. A couple of months later, he wrote to the IMs and was expecting to get the computer. NOPE. He got HIS personal items and that is IT. Anything else can go through lawyers(although neither of us have filed yet).

Take care of that munchkin.

BTW, could the condo be in someone else's name? Could he have given someone else the down payment?