Well, that's two votes in favor of MY personal recovery.

I guess I find this delimma difficult, because I don't want to be seen as not pulling my own weight. AND, because there are so many men out there that depise the word "alimony" and how they are constantly belittling the person receiving it.

I somehow need to wrap my brain around the fact that I am "doing my share". Heck, I started back to school so that I could provide for my family better financially. It just so happens that all heck broke loose and I was a mess, and my finishing school timeline got derailed.

I also hate the fact that I was in such a state that I did get derailed with school, so....I guess I've considered myself as being "weak" and "emotionally unstable" and that I should be doing more.

I want to be able to do what's best for me, without feeling like I'm taking advantage of someone.

MJ, there is a saying I heard a few years back that has stayed with me:

In the long run, it's how we feel about ourselves that describes the state of our healing and progress.

You pull the weight that YOU determine is within your means. No one else's opinion should mean any more to you than what a dog leaves on a fire hydrant.

I'm not a big fan of the concept of alimony. I think in most circumstances, one spouse staying home is a choice, not a necessity. I know it was a choice in my STBXW's case, one that I initially supported and will probably end up paying for in the form of "alimony" when all is said and done. So yeah, I'm a bit jaded because I begged her to go back to work for years, she refused.

In your case, if you and your STBXH both agreed on you going back to school, you should be able to finish. It wasn't your choice that you were cheated on so I see no reason to derail your plans and dreams because your WH is a cheating A-hole. So don't feel bad about maintaining the status quo BUT when you are done with school you should get a full time job and alimony payments should be reduced and/or eliminated. That's my $0.02 anyway!

Yes, I want to feel good about myself. It's important to me to feel like I'm carrying my own weight, and I will feel better knowing that.




Yes, that's what I'm trying to do, but it's all subjective isn't it? So that means ultimately I will need to look after my best interest. Shrug. Just saying that has me feeling "selfish".

TC, thank you very much for your open and candid response.

Well, we did agree that I quit work to stay home with the kids. But I have a problem with that because I practically had to beg him to let me do that. And the only reason I pushed so hard for that is because he didn't help out AT ALL with the house or the kids, while I was working full time back in the day. He finally agreed since I was able to cash out my 401K and pay off my debt so that we could afford to do it. He saw how unhappy I was, and then agreed. Also, after I quit, he changed his tune about me staying home. He thought it was good for our family that I did. He also use to advise others to do the same if they could.

After the kids reached high school, we agreed on me going back to school part time, because I wanted to provide for our family better financially when I did return into the workforce. That request was met with almost an immediate "yes" and he seemed to be happy with that decision.

It wasn't until the affair started with the online OW that that all changed. I remember finishing my last semester for my two year degree, when my world came crashing down. God, it was a struggle getting through those last few weeks and exams. He abandoned the kids and I and wouldn't even tell us where he was at. Didn't call the kids. Nothing.

The following fall, he was back home (in a false recovery) and I was all set to finish up my last two years of school, going to school full time. Then, all heck broke loose when I found out about even more affairs and I ended up dropping back to part time school because I was spiraling into a clinical depression. I've struggled ever since.

During the dark days after d-day, and we were separated, he asked me to get a part time job. And I did. A great one. It's still the one I have now. I've had this job give me 9 more hours a week and a raise since I started. I have something else going on with this job that MAY pan out to five more hours roughly a week for me, if I can pull it off.

As far as lenght of alimony goes, I am thinking it would be fair to receive a certain amount while I finish school, and then have it reduced for the next (not going to say here in case my stbx is reading) so many years, so that I can have some time to improve my salary. I'm 46 yrs old, was a SAHM for 8 yrs, and have been working part time for 2 1/2 yrs.

I've been told by someone whose been in human resources for over 20 yrs, that I'd have to start entry level and work my way up to a decent salary. That's going to take awhile.

That was long, sorry. But maybe it'll help shed some light on whether or not I'm asking for too much. Like I said, I don't want to take advantage of him.

Thanks for reading all that if anyone did.

I really don't think you should make a change to your working situation while your D is in process. You never know if WH will take advantage of this change in finances. You can make the change AFTER the divorce easily.

Read what happened to ChaiLover. She used to work full-time. She and her xH agreed for her to quit and start her own business. During the D her xH brought in a employment counselor who said she'd have no problem getting back in the workforce at near her old salary so no spousal support was awarded. She had to sell her business and is working at a coffee house for minimum wage. Not so easy jumping back in. She wishes she had received spousal support so she could have made employment choices on her terms. Not her xHs terms and not the court's terms.

All I'm saying is don't have so much pride that you paint yourself in a corner. The A and the D damage us. I'm not trying to be a victim here but Iaccept that there will be more fallout down the line with the kids and finances and relationships. Chaining yourself with a full-time job and school -- which you admit will be added stress -- doesn't have to happen before the D is final.

The opinion of your WH does not matter anymore. He's not sitting at your table during the D. He plays for the other team now. If you keep working part time and go to school YOU are pulling your weight. Stop thinking so little of yourself!!!

Thank you HH for your opinion. I do hope I can settle this in my mind soon. I think I'm concentrating so hard on my value, and being my own person, that this issue is huge for me.

I'd love nothing more than to not accept anything from him, probably because I've let him belittle me for this. I just need to remember why I am where I am, the decisions we made together, and knowing that I will do my best to gain my own financial freedom from him. He's controlling our finances, and me along with it, until the divorce is final. I dread being connected to him in anyway with his attitude in regards to this issue.


I really think I need an intermediary to facilitate communication between stbx and I, so that I can make my decisions without hearing how he feels about it.

Keep everything the same.
It's what's best for you.
What's easiest for your WH is of no importance.

agreed!!

Thanks for the input TR and STB4. I'm glad I asked about it.

Now if I could only convince myself.....

Ah yes, I know this feeling well.

I am famous for asking advice and then not taking it even when it sounds good and everyone is giving me the same thing.

A bit of a tangential digression:

The Third Step of Alcoholics Anonymous states, "[We] made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him."

Many people breathe a sigh of relief and respond, "well, after all, it only says we made a decision. We don't really have to DO anything..."

Except that making a decision signifies that we are going to act on that decision. Otherwise, the only decision we have made is to not decide.

My history is filled with being headstrong, self-centered, all-knowing and egotistical. I spent a lot of my life thinking I knew better.

Look where it got me.

These days, the only thing I trust about myself is that I don't trust myself to make critical decisions about my life alone.

Asking for help used to be a sign of weakness to me. Having done it now for a fair number of years, it gets easier. The one area I never bothered to ask or seek advice before now was in relationships.

Look where that got me.

And now you know why I'm here, peppering the board with questions that might as well be coming from a pimply-faced teenage boy about to go to his first prom.

I've been around AAers and their meetings and I've heard this (via the frog on the log story)and it's so true. So, I need to decide that I'm ok with the status quo for now. Geez, easier said than done.

Just a tidbit of info....My stbx is in AA, and hasn't had a sponsor in years. The last one he had briefly, dumped him for not working the program I believe. And he goes to these meetings religeously. Not my problem anymore. Now that decision was easy.

I've discovered that it isn't my stbxwh that I'm concerned about with this issue. It's what the judge may think about it.



I thought I knew it all too. Boy was I wrong.



With all the deceit I fell for over the years, the worst part about it was feeling like I could no longer trust my own judgment. It wasn't just over the affairs, but also the appeasment. However, my GUT instincts were usually right on. What about yours Fred? I'm curious about that, just to see if others are the same in that respect.

And I guess that's partly why I brought this issue up here. To help me know if what I'm doing sounds reasonable because I don't completely trust my judgment anymore. More heads are better than one right? And isn't it wise to seek advice of others, and most importantly, those who I admire for one reason or another.

When it comes down to it, ultimately we are still making our own choices, so we make the last judgment call. If things turn out, great. If not, try something else. The universe is constantly moving, and I have to move right along with it regardless, so I might as well enjoy the ride.


You know what I think? I honestly think it takes a strong person to ask for help. Less pride, more humility, humbleness....I've been really glad the times someone came to me and asked for help. Especially if it was something difficult for them to ask.



Make that two of us. It wasn't until d-day that I even began to scratch the surface about a lot of things that I wasn't aware of. Heck, just learning about the different ENs, and how someone can fall in love with you over them, kind of takes the fun out of romance, A LITTLE. Also, it's empowering as well, as long as the info isn't used by those who abuse good natured people. Sigh.

However, I have learned a lot about relationships, quite a bit on these boards as well. I've read a lot of good books too since d-year. And I'm glad I did. Sort of a booby consolation prize for all the pain and confusion of infidelity. The gift that keeps on giving.

I was told recently that those whose hearts have been broken make the best lovers. I think I agree with that.

Thanks for the guidance Fred.

That's the beauty of this place. We can sometimes help others even when we can't help ourselves.

Yet by doing so, we DO help ourselves.

Helping each other along is a good thing.

If you think about it, in the long run staying part time and finishing school will be the best economically for you (and therefore him). You will theoretically be able to get a better paying job that will require less support/benefits from him.

I agree...don't make changes and try to sell it as being better for him in the long run.

I agree with this.

But I'm thinking I should do more. I feel like I want to not be a burden on him as much as possible.

I did have a lot going on the last 4 yrs, with my physical problem throwing my moods and life in general off, not to mention my ill mother and dealing with the affairs.

But there has to come a time for me to not be a victim of circumstance anymore. I feel I owe it to both of us to work full time so that he and I aren't feeling as financially insecure. I think we could both probably live on what we have now, in separate households, but it'll be tight.

Money has always been a large insecurity for him, due to some childhood stuff. If I can ease that burden for him and myself, I would need to take on more work.

I know going to work full time, learning a new job, moving and divorcing, and going to school part time will be hard, but I think I could do it.

If this other part time job making 5 more hours a week doesn't pan out, I am definitely going to need to do something. I don't want to feel like a burden ever again to anyone.

Now that I think about it, I was a burden on him emotionally as well. Another thing he had problems with in childhood.

My core wound as a child was to feel like a burden.

Geez....what to do. Kill myself so I'll feel "valueable" and "not like burden", or do what's "fair and equitable".

Edited to add:

Just talking out loud.....

I fell apart the last 4 years. My husband saw that as me "making bad choices" and he shouldn't have to be burdened with my education or financially because I made bad choices.

I can see that I did rely on him too much emotionally. Basically I didn't get my needs met because of blame, yell, anger cycle. I went downhill and wanted him to pull me up. He would have met my needs I think, if I could have controlled my hurt and anger. Talk about regrets. Heck, he did try to meet my needs a lot of times but I was too angry and hurt to accept them.

Does anyone else agree with that? I want to do the right thing here.

Take it easy MJ. You've been back here it looks like for a couple of weeks and are very actively helping others as well as doing a lot of introspection and looking for some guidance yourself. These things all take time and patience, I think because they are simply so complicated it takes our brains and hearts a long time to process all that's going on. In other words, we all want to do the right thing, and we want you to do the right thing. That thing will reveal itself in time with continued perseverance and prayer.

I also think that we as betrayds have the luxury (if you want to call it that) of looking back and identifying what we did to drive our spouses away. As you spend time on this site you get good at understanding the mistakes of your past. However, infidelity is a monumental mistake and there is simply no excuse for it (regardless of the blame, yell, anger cycle we engage in or "bad choices"). Point? To me my mistakes were probably surmountable (except that I committed adultery too ~ many years ago, so who knows...), but the ww's infidelity (and subsequent remorselessness) was simply too much ~ it would have been years of arduous recovery and without any guarantees. Not sure if that's how you feel about your situation.

You are valuable MyJourney. You are. And you are not a burden. You are a child of God.

Opt

Thanks Opt. I hear you. I think my path will be revealed. It's hard not seeing it now though.

I'm going to keep an open mind about the full time job, and figure out where would be some good places to look at applying. When I find the right fit, by then I'll probably know it's right, and it may reveal my path. I don't suspect that a great job with benefits is going to fall in my lap in this economy, so it wouldn't hurt to start looking around. I'll have to get one anyway once school is done. I'll look around and try to be patient for the right job.

I feel better knowing you all want me to do the right thing as well, and will probably call me on it I don't. So, I like that.

Thanks for settling me down a little bit Opt.

Thanks for that too Opt. I'm sure I'm not a burden to God.