Not sure what i am going to do next but with track starting in two weeks i really thought about just joining one of my groups. I went through the entire P90X last summer and was probably in better shape than I have ever been in my life. Funny, my favorite workout in that program was the yoga! Never done it before.

I know this sounds silly, but I do look forward to the day when a woman "notices" me again. I know I am not ready to date or have a relationship, but darn, it is hard not having a companion. My wxw and I shared everything together up until about 1.5 years ago. All of that slowly started being chipped away.

I know exactly what you mean, Cardman. We've gone from having 'best friends' to being betrayed to feeling alone in the world (well, some of us have kids, but that's a different topic).

We need to go through a renewal process. Much like Summer moves into Winter, and Winter into Spring, we need to awake from our dormancy and sprout new shoots.

I use the seasonal analogy because we are now on the cusp of Spring. I've now gone two Winters after D-Day and I'm finally ready to blossom anew.

You'll get there, too. We take our "Winters" to let ourselves strengthen and get ready to push our new shoots through to the surface, where we once again reach for the sun.

And when we're ready, we reveal new growth -- stronger and hardier than before.

You're on the way, Cardman. Just stay on the path!

For the past few days, I've been feeling an incredible amount of sadness and regret over my failing marriage, again. I can't seem to shake the regrets of "not being in a better place" when all the discoveries, the health problems, my dying mother were all happening. I was so lost, confused, hurting, angry, bitter, you name it, I was it.

All of those life changing events threw me so far into depression and confusion I couldn't seem to heal enough during it all to do the MB program and save my marriage. I failed the MB program, and my husband. I remember wanting to forgive and forget so bad, but I held onto it all, thinking it was protecting me somehow. Of course it had the opposite effect.

I'm not implying the failed marriage was all my fault, but my part in it is, and I am so incredibly sad and full of regrets for not being more humble, mature, strong, forgiving, etc. when it mattered the most to save my marriage.

I also am having a very difficult time with feeling like I am misplaced, like one of the toys on the Island of Misfit Toys. I am trying to find my way, and although I am surrounded by people who love me, I feel so very alone inside much of the time.

I also feel like a walking open wound too much of the time still. My husband is breaking the marriage bond, and it feels like he ripped half of my flesh off when he left, and I'm still bleeding because large gaping wounds take time to heal. The wound has been opened many times over the last four years.

I can tell myself a million positive things to try to turn my thoughts around, but so far, nothing has helped me heal the regrets, sadness, and lonliness I feel overwhelming at times.

I guess I'd like to know how you all are dealing with the regrets you feel.

Thanks.

{{{MJ}}}

One day at a time MJ. As a fellow serial cheater victim, I understand how the repeated wounds feel. I've even tried telling myself that it doesn't hurt as much now, since I've been through it all already. Not true. Just the other day, I weeped when flashbacks of when we were in love and happy together came up. But, I generally remind myself that those days are gone. Yes, I played my part in thier demise. That, I do regret. But, I hold on to the fact that I corrected the role I play; the other side didn't. They are the one who continued on their course; and will probably see how that course will lead them where they don't really want to go.

Even if that doesn't happen, I will still be better off either by myself or with someone who would rather run towards me opposed to running away from me.

The only thing my STBXW is worried about right now is partying and "meeting" men. DS is only thought of when none of that is happening. I'm honestly starting to lose my wish of 50/50. If you want to live your life like a kid, you have no business being responsible for one. And if you don't respect yourself or your son enough to teach him that women and men are more than just objects you browse through like a toy store...well, you have no business being an influence.

Hope you feel better MJ. Couple of quotes (repeats) I want you to walk around with for now.

1. This too shall pass!

2. Time heals all wounds.

Ah, I'm so sorry you too know that pain. I use to tell myself the same thing each time he friended a new woman on FB, but I think what I feeling was "numb", UNTIL later down the road, the flood of tears would flow. Yes, it hurt all over again, each and every time. I only looked at his FB trying to see if he was in a current affair, to try to make sense, again, of it all.



Yes, the flashbacks of when we were finally falling in love (when we first found MB) are the thoughts that bring me to tears and regrets as well. But I have deep regrets because I didn't correct the my role in it all. There was tons of lovebusters from my anger and bitterness, and the cycle didn't stop. I keep thinking..."If only I had been in a better place, that love would have just grown stronger and stronger". I am blaming myself, and it hurts.



I feel like I have no one to blame but myself for him running away from me. I feel like I am paying the price, and the price is huge.



Same here. He's busy adding to his social circle, playing with his addictions (online games) and divorcing me of course. It's like he feel NOTHING, absolutely no regrets for leaving. He seems convinced that he's doing the "right thing".



ITA, and I feel for you. My daughter won't return the few calls that my husband has made to her. And he wonders why she doesn't return his calls. He doesn't understand that she lost respect for him a long time ago, and loses more and more of it with every wound he inflicts on us. He doesn't understand that they way he has treated me, has a huge bearing on the way she feels about him.

I too am worried about his influence on our children. He already led my son into questioning God, and now my son doesn't believe in God AT ALL. I'm ok with questioning religions, and learning about them, but it's left my son with no one to rely on but himself. I find that incredibly sad.

Not to mention, my husband mentioned to my son the other day that he was going to a bar to meet some friends, like my son really needed to know that. He also told my son that his sister gave him a "girlie" magazine! What kind of man encourages his son to objectify women! What kind of man would tell his son, who loves his mother will all his heart, this stuff????? He really has no idea how much he is hurting all of us with callous comments.



I am repeating these in my head over and over right now.

Thank you so much Itsa for sharing your stuff with me. I pray we both get through this sooner rather than later.

Thanks for the hug. Back atcha.

Same here. And to help paint a picture in the event I have to. I guess that is the crux of "making yourself available" to any and all; it allows those you don't want to see, to see. That's why my FB is on lock down. I honestly don't really care what she does right now. As long as it doesn't affect DS too much. But, I'm kind of at a "leave you to your own devices" state of mind. Guess what lady. This isn't a fantasy land. This is the real world. If you can't cut it, you get cut.


Here's a quote for you: "If if's and buts was candies and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas".

If the above "blame" is true, you've made the first step: acknowledgement. Now, you need to choose how to act on it. You can continue to IF it till the cows come home. Or, you work to a point where you'll never have to IF it again. I know it's hard, especially in the middle of D Land with noone to share it with. I am however, truly sorry for your hurt.


All blame aside, running away was HIS choice. Ponder on that. Remeber, we all said "In sickness and in health. In good times and bad.".


I had to chuckle. I've witnessed the same mindset. To be somewhat unbiased though, "right" is a point of view. On this side though, I don't see how it's "right".



I am an open book. I'll even turn the pages for you!

As for getting through this, we will. God never gives more than we can handle, right?

Ditto, but in my case, I think my husband will be just fine, money wise. He makes decent money. He's a charmer. If he can prevent himself from cheating on anyone else, and can resolve conflicts with someone else, he'll make an excellent partner.

I shut my face book page down, down, down. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I was too tempted to post personal stuff on there, in the beginning of this last separation, when I was inconsolable. It wasn't the right venue for my heartbreak. Not to mention, I didn't want my husband to know anything about me. Once I learned that he took his ring off, I went into hiding from him like a turtle in a shell.

He on the other hand, made a FB page after he announced he wanted out, and is friending a bunch of old high school girls/friends. He even friended some chick from work that I questioned him about a long time ago. At the time, he said he didn't like her, that she was annoying, and talked to much. I still have that e-mail. You have no idea how tempting it was to send that e-mail to her.



That made me laugh.



Yeah. This whole ordeal changed me forever. I can see so clearly how unforgiving I was, and how I reacted to it. I can't imagine ever getting to that place again. I've done a ton of soul searching, and humbling myself before God. He showed me my part. It's hard to be mad at my husband for leaving me.

I won't take all the blame though. He lovebusted just as bad throughout our marriage, and definitely over the last 4 years. He lied constantly, I expressed my anger in a not so healthy way. He wouldn't protect our marriage, I withdrew and was judgmental. He criticized me, I critized him back. Etc, etc., etc, ad nauseum.

But this isn't about him now. I'm having to deal with my regrets for my side. So yeah....I don't want to have to say "IF" in the future.



I have people I admire and respect to talk to. What pains me, one of my regrets, is that I can't share who I am now with my husband. One of the last things he said to me was that he didn't ever think I would change. I can't say I blame him, but I don't think anyone should tell someone they can never change. If that were true, our waywards will always be wayward, or selfish, or whatever. I'm sure he thinks he's changed.....

However, my son does still live with me and I had much sucess in my relationship with him, and everyone else in my life. My daughter has told me repeatedly that she admires the way I've handled all of this. So....I've have had the opportunities to be tested, and I passed.

What I don't have here in IRL is someone to talk to who has been through infidelity AND understands what we've all learned here at MB. There's a big difference. So, I feel at home here, because I know you all understand like no one else does. I think even my postings here on MB have changed over the years, along with my recovery.



Thanks Itsa. You're a good man. Your wife is an idiot.



True. Thanks for the reminder. I think my husband can't decide if we were a "mistake" or not.



Agree with "right or wrong" is subjective to the perceiver. My perception is that what he is doing is wrong as well. His beliefs and values change with the wind. Another thing he said before he left when I asked him if what he was doing was wrong, he said "by whose rules?". So....he's making up his own rules as he goes. He did always pick and choose Bible verses. Now, he picks anything, from any book, that suits his lifestyle, and whatever the path of least resistance is, it seems.



Awesome.



There were two times througout the last four years, I didn't want to live through anymore pain. At that point, I told God "I cannot handle anymore". Apparently, he thinks I can!

Yep Itsa, we will get through it. I hate to say it because the the cost has been high, but I am a better person in spite of all of this.

Lastly...another quote.

"Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage."
Sydney J. Harris

O.k., today was a MUCH better day for me.

- I was extremely productive at work.
- I think I made an A on my quiz in class tonight.
- The Honda dealership where I bought my awesome car from TWO MONTHS AGO just lowered my interest rate by half!
- My son paid for and made homemade fried rice, with fresh veggies, steak, and chicken and I'm about to go chow down.



Just for posterity, I'd like to mention something that happened to me the other day.

For awhile now, I've been questioning my faith in God. When I was really down the other day, I broke down crying. I told God if he wanted me to believe in him, to please send me a message, through SOMEONE, since I believe he works through other people......if he's real.

Within 15 minutes, someone who would never show up announced came to my door. She told me that I entered her mind a few hours earlier and she couldn't shake it. She told me she tried to call (I wasn't around my phone) twice, and decided to leave a message, but after another hour, it wasn't good enough. I just kept coming to her and she a huge push to come check up on me.

When she arrived here, she told me all of that, and I broke down crying again. Then I told her about my prayer, and she broke down crying....LOL!

Coincidence? Who knows. All I know is that I feel more comfortable believing that there's a force in the universe that might just be watching out for me. It's not that I'm scared to be on my own, but I like the idea of someone watching my back.

Life feels better, even good, today.

Time to eat.

MJ, this is terrific! Recently, one of my Men of Iron (taken from Proverbs 27:17 - As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another) Bible study group said, "There is no such thing as coincidence to a Believer."

Actually, I have a saying in my quiver I like even better: "A coincidence is just a miracle in which God wishes to remain anonymous."

Either way, the hand of God was at work for you. Do not look the other way as if you didn't feel it.

I like it.



I can't. I told him if he showed me, I'd believe in him again. So there ya go. I'm in.

After that happened, for about a day I felt pretty emotional when I thought about it.

MJ,

Have you considered joining a Divorce Care group?

I've been attending weekly sessions and it's quite enlightening. It helps me assess where I am in my healing ( or stagnation as it may be ), and gives me clear steps for dealing with the associated issues/emotions ( anger, depressions, loneliness, finances etc ).

It's a safe place to vent and get support/advice.

I recommend subscribing to their daily emails. They dovetail really well with the classes, but they also stand on their own.

Today's email deals with forgiving everyone involved.

Hi Zim. I did sign up for those e-mails, again, when my husband announced he wanted a divorce this last time. They are helpful.

I've been thinking about joining the Divorce Care group. The only one that would fit my schedule is already a month into it. I just called and left a message to see if I can jump in late.

Thanks for the suggestion.

The local group was very flexible in that regard. The sessions each stand on their own, so it's not like you'd be lost by jumping in mid-course.

Go for it!

Zim, I think I will try it out. But wouldn't you know that my cell phone has been dead all day, so if that lady tried to call me back, I couldn't get her message. I'll have to try again tomorrow.

So....my stbxh decided to give me about 3 hours notice that he was cancelling his cell account, which I had an additional line on. I think if I hadn't of already been prepared, I would have had 3 days to decide what to do about a cell plan.

Fortunately, Valentines weekend I took advantage of the free G2 phones, and just had them hold the activation. So, when he did that, all I had to do was call the new carrier to activate my new phone.

It helps to plan ahead.......

Oh, and he may be having surgery on his shoulder again. Last time he did that was to remove a rare cancer. When I asked him about it, he told me it was none of my business. That hurt.

I really don't understand why he thinks so little of me to be so callous and cold. Even though I had some flaws, all and all, I tried to love him as best as he'd let me, when I wasn't withdrawn.......

I am so incredibly sad that my husband is dealing with another possible cancer scare. I cried today just thinking about it.

He kept me at arm's length the first time around as well.

I know, I know.....move on already. How do you stop loving and caring about somebody? As much as he has hurt me, you'd think I'd never want to lay eyes on him ever again.

(((MJ)))
From Mulan on 1/18/11:

Did you or Windstopped ever file?

MJ, you intrigue me because I wrestle with some similar feelings on occasions toward my wxw. She has shown up in dreams (not lately but maybe a month ago), and she also has been ever so nice through all of this. I have essentially moved on and am living my life. But I never wished her ill-will, it makes me uncomfortable to speak to her as if she were human, even though she is. I don't think you stop loving, and you certainly must forgive the transgressions (if they ask for forgiveness - did Windstopp'd ever ask? I don't know).

HOWEVER, drawing close emotionally is exceedingly dangerous for us betrayed. We must be careful to draw that line and respect it for ourselves. Waywards can't help themselves, they are selfish and careless; like wild animals they will hurt you if you get too close or give them an opportunity...that's just what they do.

Of course you have to have sympathy for someone with cancer; he's human and we all feel the pain when another is ailing. But putting yourself somewhere where you could get hurt is showing lack of self-respect. Personally I don't think God wants that. Forgive but don't forget.

Opt

Hey Opt, thanks for the hug.

No, Windstopped nor I have filed for the divorce yet. He wants to settle through a mediator, then file. He sent me a proposal a week or so ago, but it was so far off the mark, I didn't even feel like responding to it. I don't want to fight with him. I'd just assume pay an attorney to fight it out with him.

I haven't filed because I didn't want the divorce. I'd just assume he take full responsibility for the destruction of our marriage, by doing the filing on his own. He wants it, let him do it. That's how I feel about it.

My problem is that I'm waffling between plan B, and plan C, which is no plan at all. Part of me wants to leave the door of communication open for a possible reconcilliation, and the hurt parts of me wants to go very dark to protect myself from his harsh words and actions.



Yeeaah. I have a hard time with feeling like I am not showing myself any respect by wanting him back, and making myself available to more rejection and abuse, and plan C where I'm putting myself out there as loving, understanding and forgiving. Waffling. There is no plan A because he knows about these plans, and does not want to give me the opportunity at all to plan A.

And I suppose if I choose to not be in plan B, I need to stop complaining about it here.

Arrgg, what to do, what to do.......

I forgot to answer this......



During D-year, he asked for forgiveness, but he continued to to keep secrets, and refused to protect our marriage from other women in AA. Well, he waffled on that one. One day he would agree to it, the next day he'd change his mind. He was always changing his mind, like the Wind. The Wind has NOT stopped.

And of course he has not asked for forgiveness for abandoning me and our marriage this time around.

I have to get ready for work now. I started a second part time job. It's actually pretty fun, so I'm cool with it.

I may have a chance to jump back on before I leave, if not, I will check back in this evening.