Hi. I am new here. I am writing this through sobs and heaving and crying. I am hurting so desperately. I am in a situation where I cannot talk to my husband because of a restraining order on him. I don't know where to begin. It is a very painful situation. We have been married for 11 years. He began having an affair about 5 months ago. I just found out about it on December 12th. He lied extensively to hide everything even when things were right in front of my face. He came home on the night of December 12th with a condom sticking out between the back of his sweater and his boxer briefs. He had lied and said he was going to the movies; he was gone for 6 hours and came back like that. I am going to have to write more later. This is too painful for me to write right now.

annemarie,

I hope you come back and talk. Tell us what happened after you discovered the affair. How does he come to have a restraining order that stops YOU from talking to him? Did he attack you?

Annemarie, come back and explain further when you are able to do so. There is a lot of help for you here.

SugarCane, a restraining order works both ways. If she has a restraining order against him because of domestic violence, he cannot contact her, but neither can she contact him.

Hello AnneMarie,welcome! I am also new here and determined to find answers to my issues as well. You are not alone in this..you're in the right place. My prayers are with you....

I understand that, Lady_C. I was asking whether she does have an order against him, or whether this is an order taken out by somebody else that somehow affects her. If she does have an order against him, then he's done something serious to her and this must have happened some time after D Day.

Did your discovery of the affair result in his attacking you, annemarie?

Ok, so I am hoping to get out a little more of my story here today. Thank you all for your responses already. Because of the legal situation I am in with him, I cannot write too much about what happened to cause the restraining order. I can say that our court date is March 10th and that seems like an eternity away. To put it generally, things escalated after I found out about his affair (surreal to even be writing that---I REALLY NEVER thought he was the type to have an affair; I feel so duped.) We were both at fault, but I felt threatened enough to call the police.

I am still so confused, overwhelmed, and in shock. This does not seem like it could be my life. I thought we had worked through so many of our issues, and it really came as a shock. The way that he handled everything, though, after I found out about the affair, really made matters MUCH worse...and the way he conducted himself towards me during what I now know was the affair period is bewildering to me: cruelty, mocking, blaming, talking about our problems from long ago and telling me that those things from back in 2002, 2003 were making him want a divorce.

Does he drink alcohol to excess? Ever?

Edit to add:
Please, click on the link in my sig line and read the carrot/stick thread top to bottom.
It's a quick start.
Order Surviving an Affair from the Harley bookstore.

What specifically are you seeking help with, annemarie? Are you hoping to rebuild your marriage? You will need to tell us more of your story. Why would a restraining order mean that you cannot give details on an anonymous board?

(Sorry, I'm writing from the UK, and I know that your laws are different from ours and vary from state to state.)

What is the status of the affair now? Are they together, as far as you know?

Who is OW? Was she a neighbour, a colleague or an ex-girlfriend? How did the affair start (e.g. Facebook contact)? Is OW married? Children? How old are you, your H and OW? How old are your kids? How long have you been married?

Does the restraining order allow your H to see the children? How is this done?

am,

How old are you? Any kids?

You can't recover your marriage with a restraining order in place. Was there a real threat of physical violence, or was it just a heated argument? Has he been violent before?

I'm in no way advocating that you put yourself in harms way, but if there's a difference between the standard abuse of a wayward, which is exactly what you've described with the rewrite of your marital history, and the abuse of someone that is physically and mentally abusive.

What was your marriage like before? Who is this OW? Is she married?

Where is your H now?

Hello again,

To answer some questions: I am 37 years old (will be 38 in March), my husband is 35 and we have two children: boys, age 10 and age 3.

My husband and I have had a rocky road (throughout our marriage). He is from England, and I met him in Jan. 1999 when I went to Prague, Czech Republic to teach ESL. He was also in Prague to do the same thing. I got pregnant in October 1999 and we decided to "beat the odds" and move together to Columbus, Ohio, USA in December 1999 to get married and start our family. He was quite the partier when I met him, but I figured that would die down as we grew our family (typical, hunh?). Well, he really loved the adventure of coming here and being with me, but I soon discovered that he oscillated between wanting to party and wanting to be an attentive father and husband. He also is an avid football (soccer) player and fan, so time for playing footie as he says, had to be considered too. He found a group of ex-pats very quickly and I introduced him to some of my old friends from high school who also loved to play soccer. He seemed very happy after our son was born, but I was often tired and overwhelmed with the hours he worked. We had a very intense sex life, very passionate, fun talks, and enjoyed a lot of the same things---picnics, walks, outdoors, etc. Ok, I am getting way too long and detailed here. jump forward to December 12, 2010, not much more than a month ago.

That weekend we were all sick---my two boys and my husband had it worse than I. I was looking after all of them. Insert here the fact that on December 1st my husband started sleeping in our spare bedroom and taking his laptop in there every night. He was telling me daily when I would ask him why he was doing this that he just couldn't forgive me for a couple of things that happened back in 2002, 2004, and 2006 ---these were big blowouts that resulted in us getting in physical altercations. We were both at fault. One time, in 2002, I called the police and he was arrested for domestic violence, but I didn't sign anything that would allow them to press charges. On that day, we were really both at fault, but I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. He is not as much physically violent as he loses his temper, yells, spits (yes, on me), and then goes to a bar until 3 am without answering my calls. However, having said this, he has gotten up in my face and towered over me and cornered me into a corner with his chest puffed out and gathered up spit and spat right into my face (this was after I threw a dish at him that he dodged). So, again fastforward to December 12, 2010.

At 5 pm on Sunday, December 12, he comes out of the spare room which we call the futon room and states very abruptly that he is going to go to a movie. I was pretty shocked but felt like I had to just say, "ok" because I didn't want to sound controlling, but I was hurt and a little shocked because I had just told him that I was starting to feel worse, and both my boys had a temp of *104 and were vomiting, etc. So, he leaves. Then, I call him at 10:30 because I am starting to worry---it was snowing here a lot and he had been gone for 5 and a half hours. No answer. I text him at 10:53; nothing. I was waiting up for him so I just waited on the sofa. At 11:15 he comes in and b-lines past the living room even though I say hello and that I was worried about him. I asked him if he got my call and he said he did not hear his phone, even though I also left a voicemail.

He goes straight to the half bath off of the kitchen and I hear him washing his face and brushing his teeth. I go towards the bathroom; he left the door open.
I am watching him wash himself and I ask him how the movie was. He says he left the movie and went into another movie and that he doesn't really remember.
?????

I look at his back, and see posts above, that is when I see the condom sticking out.
For some reason, I pull it out from between his briefs and his sweater, and I say, OMG, what is this? And i hold it up near his face to see. He backs away from me and starts saying to get it away from him and put it down, that it must have been on the movie theater seat.

I am so sorry but this has to be continued again; my three-year-old needs me and I must get back on here after his bedtime.

I totally understand how you're feeling. My wxh is a spousal abuser (only happened a few times, but the physical act of violence happened only 1 time, but he is one), but did little to moderate things until one night he snapped and knocked me down the stairs (I went thru and filed for divorce the next day and took my child and pets and left him and called the police). He also once spat at me during a horrible temper tantrum., but he did the same things (puffing chest out, standing in my face and yelling) which is EMOTIONAL abuse and spitting on somebody can also be borderline physical abuse too.

He is unwell and imho, a ton of tnt waiting to blow up, and I'm glad there is a r.o. against this man!

He is also gaslighting you, pretending that the condom is nothing, and that you're crazy for thinking HE could have used THAT condom. My xh used to do the same things, saying and trying to twist his words and mine, making me think I was almost hallucinating.

Your h is obviously having an affair. And it's rather blatant it is full blown pa. Btw, my wxh also used to leave and not come home. His doing that is a controlling way too. To keep you imbalanced and not knowing what to do.

First of all, I am so sorry you are going thru this, but one thing is important. KEEP YOU AND THE KIDS SAFE in all situations right now. I mean that! An out of control ws is dangerous. My xh broke into our home after we separated and he was arrested btw.

Document everything he has done to you (spitting, name calling, towering over you, yelling, and any domestic violence). You need not be afraid to stand up to him at all. He pushes your buttons and then does something wrong after you react (he physically or emotionally abuses you) then says you caused it.

Imho, learn the carrot and stick of plan A, but Dr. Harley says that when physical violence is going on, go to immediate a plan B which is no contact at all.

If you have a little money, I'd hire at this point, a private eye and have your wh followed and if your wh is parying with his "footie" buddies, you can bet there might be the ow partying along with them (they're skanky like that).

Get all the intelligence you can on him right now. Do not be afraid of court either.

I'd like to hear from other veterans here too. Having lived thru a similar nightmare (my son was also 3 when everything went upside down in a second), I now kmow that an out of control ws, with potential for a bad temper, could have the ability to become violent.

also, when your ww came home from the movies, he was washing up, to rid himself maybe of the stench of the ow, and her perfume, or maybe also from any foreign smells/residue. They do that. When my wxh would walk in the door unannounced after he said he'd be home hours earlier, he would head straight for the shower and try to put his clothes in the washer (but Id get them out and it was obvious what was going on).

How cruel of him to leave you alone with the children sick and at a dangerous temperature (105 can cause brain damage and in many cases people go unconscious), while he went to the "movies" and played "footie" and "Hide the condom".

Stand tough right now. Your kids depend on you to remain sane, calm, and understand and process what is going on right now.

You love your husband. Your h is now somebody else..he's a wayward. That is another whole life form, an alien if you will, who walks around looks like your husband, has same voice, but almost like a demon has possessed their soul and conscience.

I understand you feel love for him, but you need to search really hard. I also felt frightned and scared when things hit the fan with my xh. Why? My abuser (the xh) had basically brainwashed me for several years, thinking I was never going to be able to make it on my own, be a single mom, and that the sun rose and set with him on his self-appointed throne.

My advice if there is violence in the home is to go to immediate plan B. However I'd like to hear others on this..just know what I read.

Fwiw, while there is an ro in place, I'd hire a lawyer and possibly file for emergency hearing for physical custody of the kids. You need to keep them safe above all, and mom (you) too.

somebody has to be the moral, sane, and responsible parent. Your wh is volatile and dangerous and doesn't need to be around children, muchless women.

I would go to plan B if it were me, and if/when the courts life the ro, send him the plan B letter and add into it a paragraph alluding that not only does he need to end the affair, another point for you even considering reconciliation, would be him going to a mental helath program to help him end his abusive behavior.

This is all just so overwhelming. To top it off, I got the flu that my kids have had the past couple of days.

The case was continued until March 10th, so I still can't really accomplish anything. The no-contact order was lifted because my father is a judge and asked the prosecutor to lift it so that my husband and I could get some negotiations underway about wether or not to divorce, do a dissolution, or even (very unlikely) reconcile. The condition was that we would only be around each other with our attorneys. This all just seems so surreal. One day I am making my husband dinner, the next day, everything is demolished. All because of this 31 year old OW not married, no kids. My husband began acting differently toward me after he joined a running group that met early in the mornings in July.
I didn't put it together right away, but I am now certain that this is where he met her. Back to the condom incident: he denied, but then finally (after I said I was going to take the condom to a lab the next day) said that he was with a woman in her car after the movie and that it was the first time that they were together, and that he regretted it. <right now as I am writing this I just wonder if I am ever going to get the closure that I need. this all just seems so futile. >

On December 26th he left for a few days to "think". He was going to come back the evening of the 29th and then I was going to take two days to "think". Well, of course, while he was gone I wanted to try to find out what was really going on. I did believe him that he regretted it. He told me that they mostly just went to lunch together. On December 27, I come to find out that this is not true----phone records and text records. The affair was full-blown from what I know now since September. I am certain that they are together still as he is not allowed to come here right now. (the no-contact order and I had the locks changed)

He came back December 29th as planned. I told him that with the information I now had it didn't seem like he wanted to reconcile or was even remorseful. I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he said yes. I began to cry. He seemed hyper but indifferent, shifting restlessly in his chair. He got out his smartphone and sits it on the arm of the chair and starts fiddling with the homescreen. After having seen phone records and literally seeing hundreds of texts back and forth between the two of them, I figured he was checking for a new text. But, he said, loudly, "the kids are here and Anne is crying." It was very odd. I ask him for his phone and see that he has a voice recorder going and is recording our conversation! At this point, I look at it and see that there are quite a few conversations recorded between him and I. I called my dad and asked him if it is legal to record someone without their knowledge; he says "yes as long as the person recording is party to the conversation being recorded." I felt so hurt and betrayed. It just made my head spin...he was the one having the affair yet he was recording me. Our kids came in the room at that point and so we couldn't really talk about anything. DS, age 10 asks for the phone to play on it and I give it to him. WH walks out of the living room to the kitchen and I ask my son for the phone back, promptly go upstairs to our bedroom to listen to the recordings.

Sooner rather than later, I hear WH coming up. He comes in and demands his phone. I informed him that I am the account manager for Verizon and the bills are in my name. I actually own the phone, so my intention was to see what in the world he had been recording and why.

What he had been recording was conversations where he tried to get me to admit to being physically violent to him in the past. He started doing this in October after their affair was full-blown. Like I said before, we had some explosive fights in the past, but the last time we had had a bad fight was in 2006 and we hadn't talked about our past fights in 4 years. In fact, it was something that really bothered me---the fact that he wouldn't talk about stuff that really hurt me in the past and really try to see eye-to-eye. I had wanted to talk to him a number of times about his going out and drinking, about his going to a lot of concerts, and even more importantly, about how he had pushed me off of him the night we came home from the hospital after I gave birth to our second son. (I had layed DS down in his bassinet and came back on the bed. My husband was leaning against the wall, and I sat next to him and said, "I really want to be held." I started to lay my head on his chest and he pushed me off of him and said, "I can't give you what you need." I will never forget it. As I write this, I realize that I should've left then, but I was so scared. I was post-partum---emotionally and physically very vulnerable.)

What I really need here is how to navigate through this nightmare that I am now living in. My husband is seeing the kids two times per week---tues and thurs 5:30 -8 pm and he comes to the curb in front of our home to get them. Just last week, my attorney and I agreed to him having them 5:30 Friday-5:30 Sunday given that he stays with a family friend or hotel. It is written in the agreement that he may NOT be with her around the kids, and may not even text, call, or skype her when he has the kids. This weekend, Feb 6, myself, my attorney and him and his attorney will meet to discuss some things. He is saying that he wants more parenting time and of course that is not even possible when he doesn't have a place to live. My attorney and my father, a judge, said that there is no way that I should allow him to have more parenting time, but you know how hard it is when the 3 yo says he wants to spend the night with daddy and cries about it on Tues and Thurs. I would like to know peoples' honest opinions about what I should ask for on Sunday, if I should wait to negotiate a dissolution or possibly divorce. I am so hurt right now that I am just not sure if I am even ready for this meeting.

Thank you all. Sad that I am here on this thread, but grateful for you all already.

Annemarie,

LISTEN to your father and your attorney.

I am going to ask this because I, too, was married to someone from England and many of our friends when we were married were English.....does your husband have a drinking problem? Reading your posts, I felt like I had gone back 6 years and was reliving things all over again....reading between the lines, I perceive alcohol as a big factor here. If so, my psychologist described it this way...the alcohol fuels the affair and the affair fuels the alcohol. As Dr. Harley says, there is absolutely no recovering a marriage where there is an active addiction such as alcoholism - hence, the reason for the first sentence of my post. As an attorney and the XW of a (now recovering) alcoholic who left me for an OW, LISTEN to your Dad and your attorney.

Do you live in the us? Can we talk?

Deleted e-mail address

Please let me know once you have my e-mail so that I can edit my post, above, and remove it.

BTW,

My son was 2 when my XH left us the first time for OW and 3 when he left the second and final time. The OW was in England, so he was completely gone. I know how painful it is...my son used to look out the window and say, "Dada, where are you?" It still breaks my heart to think about it.

BB

Thanks BB. Will send an email soon.

If he has recordings of you admitting to violent things, such as throwing a plate at him, then that would be damaging to you. That means he has proof and admission of violence from you, which he could quickly turn around and say that he acted in self defense.

So think hard about pursuing a RO against him.

I do believe he is having an affair and I get the impression that he's someone who avoids his responsibilities and emotions while you have unrealistic expectations that he's going to change and suddenly develop a sense of responsibility he's never had.

Are you fighting this fight in the US? Are you doing it in the UK?

Don't accept violence in any way, but don't dish it out either. You are just as guilty of violent behavior as he is. Throwing plates or anything of the sort is violence.