Either way, LOL!

I was thinking the SAME thing....

I sent an e-mail to SIL earlier today responding to something she sent me.

Here is what she said:
He assured me during our conversation, that even though he was 'moving on', he was going to take the high road and do 'the right thing'. In his mind, what's right for him is the right thing, apparently.

Here is what I sent:
That is just it. He knows what is right. He knew the right thing was to buy the condo no mater what I thought so he just did it. He knows we should just get a divorce instead of working on the marriage so he filed. He knows the kids need him here so he comes here. This is how his mind works. I'm the one who is not thinking things through so he has to make sure he is the one who is looking out for the kids.

While I was out shopping a little while ago a light bulb started to glow. The more I thought about it the brighter it got. He may not be trying to rob me blind. Weird to think about, I know. He has control issues. He has issues of being right. (actually it is more of a fear of being wrong.) He has always had them to an extent but they have gotten far worse over the past few years. So maybe it wasn't him taking all the money so I wouldn't have it but him taking control and doing things the way he thinks they should be done because, he is always right. Add that fact that he is also selfish and self centered and there you go. One big [censored].

Last night before we had our unproductive talk I knew he was going to stay by the way he was acting. He knew my parents were coming in and I didn't tell him their fight got canceled. I assume he figured it out. He may have been angry that I didn't tell him they weren't coming. He was also angry a couple of weeks ago when I first told him my parents were coming and I said "I'm sure you don't want to be here when they get here." He is adamant that I said I didn't want him here. I didn't but so what if I did. He doesn't want to be around me anyways. Again, a control issue. He left this morning with out a word and hasn't come back. He hasn't contacted me or the kids. Could he actually be hurt because he thinks I don't want him around? Not because he actually cares about me but because he has lost control over how I feel?

There was plenty of growth even just in the time since I compiled my story in one place. If you go back and actually read my early posts on their original threads, the difference is startling.

I'm not that person any more.

Should I continue on with the one I am reading or should I stop and read the one you just posted first?

Definitely finish the one you're on. It's much more concise, and contains quite a bit of info I never thought to post at the time.

The first 5 or so pages contain the main part of the A. The rest is more of a R journal, and having to deal with the OW time and again.

Oh, boy. I think I know the personality type you are talking about.
This could be my H. We are working on the M, but he has done many similar things (names off accounts) to me.

I guess you have to live with one to understand. Nonetheless--

You still need to protect yourself. He is trying (and winning) to run the show, it is deplorable that he is doing everything he thinks he can get away with.

It creates huge resentment. Here is the kicker... YOU are expected to just go along with it.

Is your H an engineer?

Ok good, because I didn't hear back from you and I couldn't wait to finish the book! All done with that one. Today I will read the other one.

barbiecat,
So you know what I am dealing with. I am trying to protect myself. There is a status quo order in place so he can't do anything drastic on the financial front.

He is a IT manager, same thing!

One word.
Boundaries.

Set up a bunch to protect yourself.

Try not to rationalize/think through/analyze his actions, he is doing enough of that for himself.

I beleive my H loves me, really I do. He believes his actions are O.K.
He has done crummy stuff to the marriage, (but so have I)

It would be easier (and make more sense) to glue two eels together than to get a straight story/apology. Pointless.

Keep up with the reading and posting, the advice has all been spot on.

I was waiting for someone to comment on my post last night. A few hours after I posted it I said to myself, someone is going to give you a 2x4 for trying to figure him out. I�m just glad it wasn�t Neak or Scotland, it would have left a mark. Lol!
I know what you are talking about. It can be quite frustrating and I am sure it makes your recovery even more difficult. We both have head strong men that have insecurity issues they don�t want to admit to never mind work on.
This made me laugh!
I know, the support and advice here is amazing and I am so grateful to all the people on MB who have tried to help me.

I never got around to adding a sig but looking at yours it is pretty close.
Me; W 44
Him; H 44
2 boys
2 girls
DS17
DS15
DD14
DD8
Married 20 years in April
13 good ones....the last 7 with times not worth living
You have more years married and I have more kids. I have more rough years but there were good periods in there. This April will be hard for me and I know it. Not only is my Birthday in April but as you can see a big anniversary. We will make it to the 20 year mark but not the way I had hoped. I don�t hold any false hope we will make it to 21.

lol Neak!!!
I clicked on the link to read your thread and I got a great surprise. Did you send her to me?

Neak,
I already clicked on and read Neak's Story
I clicked on I'm not that person any more. and got a much needed visitor.
Finally I clicked on My Blog but I�m not sure where to begin.
Is there another thread I was supposed to read? I tried to find it through your user name but MAN do you post a lot!

I never got a reply from WH about his sister. He didn�t call the kids. He came in just after 10. Apparently he is still mad at me for something he feels I did to him and I am in day 2 of the silent treatment. I wonder where he got that from? At one point we were alone. He tried to walk past me before I could talk to him. I asked him if he got my message. He stopped, turned around and said no. He was itching to get away from me and was very annoyed with me. I told him what was going on with his sister. He mumbled ok as he was already walking away. He didn't seem concerned at all. He may be concerned and upset but he won't share that with me and he won't let it show in front of me. WH was asleep in DD�s room this morning. (at least pretending to be) I left to bring the little ones to school around 8. He was gone when I got home. I'm guessing he will be back late tonight and the silent treatment will continue. How can I plan A when he comes in late, leaves early and my existence is a LB?

One thing I forgot to mention. When I was still in my own fog running around like a nut trying to fix the things he felt were LB�s, I cleaned out the FL room. (This was before I got the I�m done speech) He was complaining about the house not being cleaned. I would clean a room or 2 completely top to bottom. Most of the time he wouldn�t acknowledge that I had done it or I would get a �living room looks good.� Instead he would just complain about another room or another thing I was doing wrong. He complained that he couldn�t find a comfortable place to do his important job search and work. So I spent an entire day cleaning the whole FL room. It was divided into an office and play room for the kids at one time. He never really used the office part and the kids kind of took over. Everything was organized and spotless. THAT he noticed and commented on. In his desk I found a small note I wrote for him a long time ago. I think it was either when he was in WI and we hadn�t moved up there or when he moved back here and we were still in WI. I think it was when we were moving back here. The note said this:
WH,
I love you so much and miss you more than you could ever imagine. I can�t wait to hold you again. I miss those beautiful blue eyes and that warm smile.
Love,
BS
I put the note in the top drawer and forgot about it. Yesterday when I moved my laptop into the FL room I noticed a small piece of paper on the desk right in front of where you would sit. I turned it over and it was the note. Hummm�
I know he did that on purpose to send me some kind of message. I guess he thinks I'm a mind reader!

I have been thinking of plan A things to do that don't involve me actually talking to him. I can keep working on making the house clean, tidy and organized. I will have to step it up a notch and make sure all the main rooms are spotless. Not an easy task with 4 kids, 2 extra in the afternoons and more friends who stop by but I can do it.
I need to think of other ideas not related to the actual house. Things that are more personal between the two of us.

lglg, you're going to scrub until your bones show and he'll still find something to complain about. Next thing you know, you'll be varnishing the workbench in the garage and organizing the nuts and bolts according to size and date of purchase. And then he'll find fault with the attic!

It's not the cleanliness of the house that has his panties in a bunch. You know that. So don't knock yourself out sanitizing the mud room.

Stop for a sec. Write down on a piece of paper what your plan is. Because I'm confused - first he was in the house, then he was out. Then he had a condo, then he didnt, then he did. Then you were going to Plan A, then change the locks and Plan B, but you reorganized his office for him. I'm losing track!

How do you see the next, say, TWO weeks proceeding? Do you see a time when you will write the Plan B letter and put it out on the porch with his things?

Sorry - I'm trying to keep up with your sitch but I'm starting to get confused.

Maritalbliss,
You know I can�t properly function and be productive with out a well placed 2x4!

I know he will find fault no matter what I do or how well I do it. Cleaning the house would be something I would be doing for everyone including me. I realize that IF he does come around I won�t know what particular things I did that stuck with him. I think of it like this. My parents did things that they thought would be something I would remember for ever. In talking to them and telling them my most vivid happy memories of childhood they are surprised at what I remember. You never know that something you do now will affect someone else so much they hold on to that memory. I don�t know what is going to stick with him so it would be a waste of time trying to figure it out. I just have to think about what makes (or used to make) him happy and if it is something I would want to do for him then I will do it. I won�t do anything I feel is enabling him or feeding his self absorbed personality. Does this make sense?

I may have not been clear of the office reorganization and cleaning. I did that 4-5 months ago. That is when I found the old note. I put the note in the drawer and it had been in there until some time in the past few days. He must have gone in there for something and found the note. He didn�t take it, put it back or throw it away. I thought it was interesting and it did peak my curiosity but I can�t waste time trying to figure it out.

What I want and what I can do are complicated by WH�s foggish behavior. In regards to the condo, everything I found out about it I did through snooping. He told me nothing including the fact that he actually closed on it. I asked him to leave, he did. My plan was to Plan A him for a while with him outside the house. I felt I needed to do this because I was an LB to him and my LB was draining because of his behavior. He moves himself back in and I can�t do anything about it. Well, I could have called the cops. I could have changed the locks and had the cops called on me. He is a stubborn, pe�od [censored]. Then he moves some of his stuff out but is still coming here. I try to express how I feel about his disrespectful behavior and that does no good. (I know I didn�t do it well) I know there are others out there that may be worse but the man he is now is the most self absorbed person I have ever met.

I do see a time. I have to wait until I can legally keep him from coming and going as he pleases. That is part of my plan. I will be seeing my lawyer on Monday. I still haven�t been served and I am not sure why it is taking so long. If I am not served by Monday I will have to serve him. (Of course I will not do this if the lawyer comes up with any reason it is not in my best interest.)
I am going to plan A as best as possible. Continue with getting everything in order and ready for plan B. Dodge any dog poop thrown my way with a great big smile. Try my very best not to engage in non-productive discussions with WH. Then, when I can legally make him leave I will assess where things are and how much work is left to do. Make sure everything I need to do before dark plan B is done. Then I push the button. As for what needs to be done (before you ask) I have to make sure I have taken care of anything that may be an excuse for him to break plan B. I KNOW he is going to try something with in days but the less he has to work with the better. I have an IM and I am working on 1-2 backups. I want to have an IM team in place. I will let everyone involved know what I expect including our children. They will be the ones he tries to get info to be through.

I have been thinking about all the obstacles I will have to deal with in plan B. Location being a big one. OUR condo is only 1.4 miles away so seeing each other by chance is going to happen. Seeing him because he purposely wanted to will also happen. Our home is on a small cul-de-sac located off a somewhat busy road that connects 2 major roads. He will be driving down that road often and will be able to see the house and what is going on here. Then there are the kids activities such as track, softball, baseball, chorus concerts and plays. All of these are things I normally take care of and attend. He hardly ever attended them in the past but I am sure now he will be attending most of them. This is my biggest concern. I can handle everything else but I want to attend these things. How do I do that and remain dark if he just shows up? I know I will have to be the one who leaves and that sucks. I will explain to the kids what I am doing and why. That way if he does try to approach me or just show up at the house they know if I walk away why I am doing it. I would love to be able to say he wouldn't do something stupid in front of the kids but I know I can't. I just hope he doesn't.

I know he will send a snow storm of e-mails to the IM in the beginning. I had an idea that I wanted to run by you all. What if I set up an e-mail address specifically for the IM's. I will give them the address and password. Then they can check it more frequently and if one is working or isn't available a day or 2 the other one can check it. If he doesn't get a response for a while he is more likely to try and contact me directly. I will tell them they shouldn't jump and respond to several e-mails in a day but use their best judgment on whether something is important or just BS.