Yes, it is something we can do together. When he's home.

When he's not home I work 12 - 14 hour days and go to the gym, so by the time Thursday rolls around the last thing I want to do is cook for us. And, he never helps cook and clean up.

It's something we need to talk about this weekend.

We had a pretty good weekend for the most part. We spent the weekend volunteering in Raleigh and had four hours in the car together to and fro and all day together doing stuff, and went out to a nice dinner.

He made it clear this weekend he doesn't want to pursue having a child, ever. Which is perfectly fine, I just wish he'd come out and said this several months ago. He said he didn't want to hurt my feelings. We're going to wait a year to do anything permanent. The stability of our economy is really worridome to him and he just is not comfortable having a pregnant wife or small child in the next few years.

We also went through the questionarres and attractive spouse is really high on his list. I've gained 37lbs in *6* weeks and have made a commitment to hit the gym and clean up my diet and lose down to my target weight - about 70lbs. It's a constant struggle for me, but it's a demon I've got to fight.

And, DS is his #1. Yes, #1. I am *not* domestic at all, but I'm struggling through. I've culled out my overtime this week and am getting our house in order. Bought some furniture and stuff last night to make it more organized and get things put away.

He says I still nag him (and I admit, I do). I need to work more on me and quit being so wrapped up in what I want to be happening.

DH suprised me and came home last night.

And, he came home to a partially clean house. Our bathroom is spotless, well organized, and we had clean towels folded in the bathroom ready to use (always a point of frustration for him!) and we now have a hamper in the bathroom. Previously, he would leave clothes on the floor and the cats would drag them into the kitty box, and I'd get angry. So, the hamper should solve that issue!

And, the closet is organized and all my shoes are put away, the entire house is getting cleaner and more orgazined. He also got a home cooked dinner last night.

I've also lost 3 lbs this week and been at the gym everyday for a week.

I feel like we're back o square one right now.

And, two more steps forward for us...

DH was elated that I cooked real, home cooked food for him Thursday night and Friday night. And, he got brekfast on Saturday, lunch on Saturday, brekfast on Sunday, and we only ate out once over the weekend as a date night after the laundromat. Date night consisted of laundry and dinner at the BBQ next door...

He was also excited that over the weekend more of the house got cleaned up - our bedroom looks great. I bought some new furniture and the house is really starting to shape up.

I've also lost 5 lbs as well.

We redid the EN questionarre and I'm trying to meet his DS and AS needs.

His grandmother fell and has a possible broken hip and heart issue. So, I spent last night with my MIL, we went to dinner and drank a bottle of wine after dinner. So, we might have to take a road trip to help get grandma down here from PA this weekend.

We have a doctor's appt with the reproductive specialist this Friday, and we've both got a list of questions for them.

And, my car is broke yet again, other semi-constant issue between us. The car is in a chronic state of falling apart and just won't run. So, we've still got 3 cars on the road, and he wants only 2.

We're failing the use of the POJA.

Really failing it's use at times - and it's more on DH part than mine that it's being broken, but that doesn't mean I don't own part of the issue.

We agree to something, he changes his mind, he does what he wants to do. Sometimes I don't find out about it until much later and it really didn't matter. Sometimes I find out about it before it's happened and we can renegotiate. Sometimes, he tells me after the fact and expects me to go along with it.

This morning we had a discussion that turned heated over him changing his mind over something and expecting us to pay for it. It's not a lot of money, it's the principle.

How do I fix this?

I'm hoping that the "Lord of the Lettuce" will see your post and help you out.

Me too!

Hope, I don't often respond, because it sounds like you're on the right track. But I'm wondering, how about upping the UA time? That gives lots of opportunity to discuss stuff before it gets bigger.

He's still traveling 3 or 4 days a week, and will be for another few months.

That's part of our problem - We spend in excess of 20 hours together, but nothing Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. Thursday and Friday evening we spend 3 - 5 hours together, and all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday.

I have 2 interviews next week for jobs that will make him quitting his job a reality. I think that will make a huge difference to both of us, 'cause it's so easy to just do stuff when the other person is so far away and we're not together. I know that our marriage will not be as good until we're together every night.

We are very passionately in love, we truely happy to spend the time we spend together, we enjoy each other. Next week I'm going on the road with him, and he's staying here even though it's a further drive one day (or maybe we'll both stay in a hotel near his work that night, I don't know!).

When I'm not upset over something we are doing pretty good with POJA, and many times the issue is I push for an answer when he's not happy and enthusiastic with it. I've got to get that under control.

He's struggling to control his AO and I'm struggling with my DJ. But, at the end of the day I'm still thankful to be his wife, he's still the love of my life, and I'm so happy to have him in my life!

So, we reread the POJA section in LB and HNHN and discussed it. And, we're trying to work it again. I'm trying to learn not to push him for a decision, and he's learning to make decisions a little quicker. I fly by the seat of my pants. He researches everything to death. We're learning.

This weekend we POJA'ed our new house. It took a lot of prayer, and ultimately I shared with him what I wanted to do, but I asked him to make the decision. And, he got a sign at church and we're leasing the farm of my dreams. I hope this isn't a case of getting cold feet later!

But, I didn't push him for a decision. He knew the timeline this decision had to be made. He knew the options. He knew what I wanted. We talked about the pros and cons of each property. And, he decided to lease the farm. We did research together (talked to current farm owners I know who keep their farms how I kept mine I had before him, read a lot, went to farm supply to price stuff) and we made a decision. This is the first really big, life changing, major event decision we've ever made with POJA. There were no fights or tears or angry words, and no pushing. Maybe we're learning.

I know I'm a lucky woman with the best man in the world who loves me more than I can understand sometimes.

And, I have one job offer, waiting on a second from the inhouse promotion at work. And, DH has applied for jobs in town and plans to be working in town within 6 weeks. I can't manage the 75 acre farm we just leased without him, and he's excited to be home all the time.

happy to read this good update!

So, this week has been a week of huge disapointments for us. I would say my personal disappointments, but they're really big for both of us.

The farm that we decided to lease - the owners changed their mind at the last minute before we signed the lease. I was too personally invested in this farm. And, I got passed over for the promotion at work - a younger, less qualified but more bubbly woman got it. (Who wants a bubbly claims adjuster? Really? Bubbly?)

I have a job interview for a job with a startup company next Tuesday that I'm really excited about, but he's not so excited about. It's further away from home. He really wants us to move back where our family's are. And, we want to tell my parents that we're married, which isn't going to go over well.

But, he's actively looking for a job in town, even if it means a pay cut. It's the best thing ever. He said last night it means more to be with me every night than to make more money. So, once we get my job squared away then we're going to find him a job in town, wherever that maybe.

My last post about the disappointments I'd faced seems so trivial in the aftermath of the last two weeks. I'm so thankful for my DH, he's been the rock that's kept me going and kept my life together.

My roommate didn't feel well for a few days, and last Monday morning she passed suddenly of pneumonia in our kitchen. I found her about an hour after she had passed, and since she had very little family and only a few close friends I had to deal with the notifying everyone, the attorney for the estate, and a lot of her personal matters with her estate. It's been heartbreaking to me. DH was out of town and my mom came up to spend the night with me Monday.

My DH's grandmother is dying of heart failure in Pittsburgh. My MIL has an eye condition and can't drive on the highway, and I've been shuttling her back and forth the Pittsburgh.

My friend's funeral was yesterday, and thankfully, I made it through the day.

DH has just picked up on so many things I needed. He's been there every turn of the way to support me and he's just taken care of things that I needed done without me asking.

I'm severely depressed and really struggling. DH is encouraging me to seek counseling and has gone so far as to get some counselors in our area for me to check out. Poor guy, he's been through the ringer the past two weeks.

We've still got to find a house and move somewhere by September. We now own 7 cats, I inherited my roommates cats. DH has a job interview in town, but I haven't asked him about it this week. I've been in bed before him and up before him. I think barely functioning is a fair description of me lately. I work, I cook, I feed the cats, and I sleep. That's about it.

Today begins the sixth week of hell for me. However, I've learned some important lessons about my marriage throughout this.

For our years together I had always felt like my husband was weak. Even if I wouldn't come out and say it, I'd felt it. He's quiet and much more laid back than I am. Very slow to anger, doesn't take issue with much of anything. I complained that he never took up for me, that I never felt like he had my back.

I've learned that he is an incredibly strong man; and if I need him to, he's always got my back. He can and will stand up for me, if I can't. I've always been 'strong' and taken care of myself, until the past weeks. It's not that he's weak, it's that I never gave him the chance to do this for me.

We had been doing really well prior to this, and our relationship has strengthened and deepened in ways I didn't expect from this. I've never been this vulnerable. I'm always happy go lucky, this is the first time in many years I've gone through such a dark time. He's been beside me through it all.

For the first time ever he planned our vacation over this weekend. I did make our B&B reservations because I had the email in my PC, but he made the decision to go, the nights to stay, and he's made all the other plans. It's wonderful for him to lead our family like this.

Feels good to have an interdependent marriage doesn't it. This recognition of his strength resonates with me deeply. I totally get his position in the past. If you always took charge, why would he develop this skill set in your marriage? He was just not required to do so. Then in a time of need you found out he is not only willing, but very good and taking charge if need be. I totally get that, I really do.

It's great. He's showen a few times with his family that he'll stick up for me, if he has to. But, this is the first time that it's been a day to day thing of him having to take care of things and do things.

I'm not good at delegating, letting go of responsibility and control, or trusting people to do things because I want them done my way. I struggle constantly with that in my marriage and in my professional life.

But, I've got the best husband in the world and I tell him that every day.

Thursday or Friday when DH we're going to POJA some MIL issues.

There have been two recent events with MIL that I'm feeling very taken advantage of and unhappy with the situation. She told me two weeks ago that I didn't need to spend all my free time on the weekends with my DH, that he could do things with her, without me. I told her we have very little time together and he wants me to spend time with him on the weekends. I ended up going with him and both he and her were glad to have me along, but it feels like she's trying to drive a wedge between us and pry us apart.


DH feels like I don't want him to see his mom because I'm angry over all te stuff she asks us to do. I don't mind doing stuff for her, within reason, but I feel like she's stealing my DH and we're not getting our houses taken care of because of her stuff.

How can I POJA this withouth alinnating my DH and hurting his feelings.

I haven't updated my thread in a really long time. Guess that's a good thing in a way. DH and I are doing very well. He's still on the road (for now), I'm still working way too much (80 - 90 hour weeks).

We are going to move home next year or the year after, DH is miserable in our current location.

Overall we're doing really well, we spend 15 - 20 hours a week together and I'll be thrilled when he's off the road for good. This week he's been home all week and working locally and we're so much happier than usual.

DH has proposed a new solution to him being on the road - me take a job with him and travel while I pursue my degree.

This weekend I'm taking my ACTs to go back to school and plan to pursue my degree in computer programming. I'm still working too much, we're both unhappy with the current situation, our lease expires where we are in July. He'd really like me to go on the road with him for a year. I feel like I'm giving up a career for a dead end job, but it's a job that puts me with my husband every night. Decent pay, no benefits, 30 hours weeks, I can retain sanity and finish school and keep my marriage.

Either my job and the related stress or his job and the travel is going to break our relationship. Something has got to give.

Going to talk serious about it tomorrow when he comes home. It's been a year since I've had more than 3 days with my husband in a row.