Oh, he is thinking a lot. The problem is it is wayward thinking. He does realize I own 1/2 the condo but I don't know if he thought about that before he bought it. He was too focused on his narrow minded goals. Typical wayward tunnel vision.
I think his plan was to say he was done and move out with the door still open if he decided to forgive me and give me another chance. I blew that plan out of the water when I asked him to leave. He bought the condo so if he decided to move back we could just rent it out. Every time I do something assertive that does not work for his plans he gets pissed and has a knee jerk reaction. THAT is why he filed. After he filed he didn't know what to do next because he may want to move back in. That is why I haven't been served. He is waiting until the 11th hour. If I get served he will drag that out too. By the time we get to that I will have already gone into plan B. (Yet another monkey wrench in his plans) I believe that will be the true test, what he does after plan B is implemented.

Hope you are patient. He has 90 days from filing the petition to "serve" the paperwork.

I lived through this charming scenario. He believed, I guess that I was going to "straighen up" and "fly right" - he even actually said that he was going to come home, flop the papers down in front of me and " I <Barbiecat> would know that he was serious!"

My opinion of him sank the lowest it had ever been in 24 years, and I still have an uphill battle desiring him as a trustworthy spouse. It has been almost 12 months.

Really sh!tty way to treat your spouse, does a lot of damage, and brings tons of resentment to filter through later. Fogsters and their "plans".

...sigh... I wish I was as forgiving as some of the MB posters, here. It is not in my genetic make up, and I have to work at it every day.

But I want to give you hope that filing and divorcing are two different animals. It does not mean things are over by a long shot.

It's much easier to forgive someone who is fully repentant. Even then it takes time.

To be fully accurate, you can't complete the whole forgiveness/restoration process until they are penitent, but you can begin the process before they are completely sorry for what they've done, and before they have totally defogged.

According to Dr. H, in a nutshell you will almost certainly have to begin R before they are repentant when it's a WW, but it doesn't work nearly so well to begin R with a WH who isn't sorry at all. Even if they're extremely foggy, the WH needs to be farther along in the process to successfully keep going, I guess. It takes WW's much longer to be sorry for what they did.

Weird, huh?

I was wondering what the time frame was and I couldn�t find it anywhere. Is this true for all states? It is not going to change MY plans I was just curious. There is no way in he!l I am going to stay in limbo for 90 days.

I�m sorry you went through such a horrible nightmare. Is he showing remorse and working on the marriage?

Oh, I know this. I think he knows it too. When I went on the county website to look it up the first thing that struck me was the word defendant next to my name and plaintiff next to his. It didn�t bother me but I bet it bothers him. I'm not the one who wanted this, I have done nothing wrong. There it is on the county website for anyone to see.

Well, I was wrong about why it was taking so long to get served. I just got the papers in the regular mail today. I guess he wanted to have my parents here to console me when I get it. I read it over and found parts of it laughable. The cover letter states
WH requested that we refraind from having you personally served with his petition for dissolution of Marriage in order to reduce and embarrassment and to show his desire to resolve this matter amicable by including the Petition with this letter.

Embarrassment for whom?
It also says if they don't receive acceptance by 10 days I will be formally served. I guess I am waiting another 10 days!

Oh, and one of the kids birthday's is wrong.

I have a question.
If I let my lawyer know I received it and let her know I want to wait to be officially served does she have to disclose to WH's lawyer that I did receive it? I want to ask her some questions regarding it but don't want to have it known I did receive it.

I have also been thinking about having a chat with WH. I was going to send him an e-mail today asking him to meet with me somewhere but I was going to post here first. Then I got the mail.
I want to meet with him and have my coming to Jesus talk. Lay everything out on the table. A pre-plan B talk. Any suggestions?

I know of no law that says your attorney has to disclose anything to the other attorney unless required to do so by the court.

I think it would be a good idea to come out with it and let her know that you've been 'served' and you've got questions about it to ask of her. Tell her you're not interested in responding to the papers at this point.

Thanks Maritalbliss,
I called and left a message. Hopefully I will get a call back some time this after noon.
Do you have any advice on what to say and not say when I talk to WH? I know he isn't open to hearing what I have to say or how I feel but that doesn't matter. I just have to say it as calmly and clearly as possible. It may be the last time we have a heart to heart so I am going to make it count. (Well, a heart to WW)

That's a tough one. The reason I say that is because it's very unlikely that you will be able to say anything to him that will strike a chord at this point.

If it were me? I wouldn't say one word to him. You have been served. It would all go through attorneys at this point, and I would cut him loose to hit rock bottom on his own.

I know it is very unlikely that anything I say will get through to him. My reason for talking to him would be for me. It would be for closer so I can move forward. If it does resonate with him in the future and he does a 180 great, if he doesn't I have said my peace and I will know I have done everything I could. He can hit rock bottom on his own. Does that make sense?

Oh, I know you wouldn't do it!

But, do you see where there would be no true closure in sitting down with him and watching him mentally dismiss you?

I would concentrate on a nice, tidy Plan B letter.

I, too, would advise that you not have The Talk.

Be very cheerful and upbeat. If he asks whether you've gotten Anything in the mail, say something deflective (but still honest). "Are you expecting a check? Lol." "I get the mail every now and again. It's SO BUSY right now with my family here." Or something similar.

Then tra la la, on to another subject.

Your PBL is all the warning/appeal he needs. If he doesn't respond to that instantly (and he probably won't), he wouldn't have responded to your talk, either. And a talk at this point may give him enough of a hint of your upcoming Plan B that it may lessen the impact of suddenly going dark.

Just carry on as you are, happy and vibrant, you and the home comfortable and warm to be around, and get ready for Plan B.

Allrighty guys, you know best so I have to just have faith. Plan A now and continue getting my ducks in a row for plan B. Also, because my parents are here I can't plan A as much. What do you suggest I do? My parent HATE him so he won't be coming here for 2 weeks.

I did send him an e-mail about something good regarding one of the kids. I will keep doing that.

I suspect he'll find ways to be in contact with you. 'Happy happy lglg' whenever he calls.

He did ask me if I wanted him to take DD1 to her practice on Thursday. He said he was going to watch her practice. He said if he takes her I would have time to spend time with my parents. (Isn't he thoughtful?) I was thinking of going to her practice to watch and chat with him. I just found out DD2 has her first practice on Thursday also. DD1 is at a different ball field from 7-9 and DD2 is the local field 6:30-8 so we both will be a different ball fields. I will wait until after he replies to my first e-mail before I tell him. I can make my response fun and light hearted. Maybe he will swing by DD1's practice and chat.

Ok, I re-read this and suspect you may know what he is going to do. Am I missing something?

I say that because I suspect he's going to need a little EN dose of home and you.

I wouldn't chat with him, sister. At the ballfields or anywhere else. You're going to convince him that he can have a friendly divorce. It's one thing to Plan A an unsolicited call from him at this point, but don't show him that you choose to have a friendly gab with him.

And...I like to think of the Plan B letter as closure enough.
It lets you speak about your deep love and conditions for a marriage with you all in one.
A Plan B letter allows for no regrets in the future for YOU!

Make the most of each opportunity he gives you for the SHORT time before you go dark; just don't chase him, or be clingy/needy.

His consequences are going to come crashing down soon enough.