Hi everyone,

I'm new here and while I feel like my story is pretty long, I'll keep it as short as possible.

I've been married for 7 years, I just moved to the other side of the country because my H wanted to, I'm about to lose my job next week, and I don't know anyone here who I can talk to.

A couple of months ago I noticed the insane amount of text messages for H's cell phone, over 2,000 in a month. I called the numbers that were not familiar and surprise... all were different women, I didn't actually speak to them, just hung up. I checked his phone but he deleted the texts. I confronted him about it and he said that it was innocent and that he didn't want to stop. I was so upset I told him I really didn't care what he did anymore (stupid on my end I know).

Fast forward to this weekend. His cell phone was low on battery and he asked if I'd plug it into my computer to charge. I said sure and plugged it in, he immediately asked me not to open itunes when it connected... Well I didn't open itunes but I did upload his pictures stored on his phone to my computer without him knowing. Surprise! Several of a nearly naked woman, she clearly took the pictures of herself posing in her underwear to send to him. I checked the phone for more messages but all were deleted except a couple where he asked her to send him more pictures.

Today when he left I went into his laptop, more pictures of different women all posing barely clothed, and no these are not professional looking at all. I checked his history and there is nothing too suspisious there.

I really don't want to put up with this. I want to leave but I have no money, no where to stay, and I don't even know anyone here. He hasn't paid attention to me for a very, very long time, he actually has told me recently that he is "too picky" implying that I am not good enough for him (this was a sexual argument). I work full time, go to school full time, and do everything around the house, he does pretty much nothing (he doesn't work either). I'm so tired and frustrated and I think I just needed to vent. Not sure what to do.

Thanks for reading this, if you've even gotten this far.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here, but having said this, this is the place to find yourself right now.

Read the link above, click through all of the links, answer the questions in that thread on this thread. This will help us help you.

You don't need to make any hard and fast decisions about your marriage, but you will need to do somethings about these affairs.

Scotland,

Thanks for sending the link to me. Here are my answers:


How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? I am 26, WS is 31

Do you have any children? How old are they? No children but we do have 2 cats

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? 1st marriage for both of us, we have been married for 7 years this month.

How did your WS meet their AP? I know it was online through Facebook, he admitted that to me the first time I confronted him about the texts.

How long did the A last? I caught onto it around last November (2010). I don't know if it was going on before that.

How did you find out about the A? I found a high number of text messages to multiple women and found some pictures of them saved on his phone and computer.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? I have not ordered the book but I have browsed the site and read many of the articles available today.

Okay, so how many OW(other women) do you KNOW about? Do you know any of their names? Do you know if any of them are married? You say your WH found them on FB, did he know them IRL? How did he "find" them?

Since you don't have any children together, why would you want to save this marriage?

Read all of the material on this site and ask questions.

No one here will fault you if you decide to divorce your WH as he is a serial cheater, but if you want to try to reconcile, we can help you with that too.

I have no idea of how many OW there are, there were several pictures (several of each woman) and several phone numbers, at least 5. 1 of them has sent the majority of the pictures and it is the phone number I see most often on the bill.

These girls look young, maybe 18 - 21 range? I doubt they are married, but I don't know for sure. I don't believe he knows them in real life, although the one that is the most frequent is in the same state, based on the area code of the number she is about 3 hours away. WH is a musician and has a "fan base" on Facebook. The first time around he told me this is how he found these girls, he said his phone number was showing "by accident" (yeah right) and that is what started the text messages.

I know we don't have any children so there isn't really anything tying me down here. I would feel like such a failure if I got a divorce. I do love my H but lately I feel myself wanting to be wanted and loved (emotionally and physically) by anyone. I used to want this from him but now I don't really care if it comes from him or not. It's just so sad.

I don't know what to do right now. He doesn't know that I know about the pictures or that I looked at the texts again...

The first thing that you should do is snoop and find out all of the information that you can. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=71&page=1

That is a forum with the info about snooping techniques and what to do.

Then, you will need to prepare to expose your WH and any OW you can find. Make a list of people you will expose to and prepare to do it all at once, on the same day.

It will be hard to keep quiet about what you have found, don't tell your WH.

Take care of yourself.

Here is a little update...

I read through the snooping pages and here is what I've found out.

I was able to access his email, nothing suspicious there. Of course it is possible that he may have a secret email that I don't know about.

I'm not planning on putting anything in our car - reason being that he doesn't work and is home all day. I work from home too, so I know that he never leaves the house, except to go to the gym. Gym is 1 minute away and I just happen to take a walk at that time, when I pass and come back the car is always there.

I can't access his bank account. He has a key thing that gives him a code to enter in with his password. The code changes everytime and the key thingie is hidden, I can't find it. I put the money in this account so I know how much he has based off that, and he keeps receipts which I looked at. Everything there seems to be in check and I don't think anything is being spent elsewhere.

I'm nervous about the idea of a keylogger... He is exceptionally good with computers, I'm sure he'll figure it out. Based on the last time I confronted him, he'd be furious if he knew I snooped like that.

I do have copies of the pictures on my computer now and the text messages were forwarded to my phone. I also have the detailed billing. Is this enough?

One more thing... who should I expose to? I don't have any info about these women but a name and cell #. His family lives in another country and I don't speak their language, they speak some english but it is very broken. So I don't communicate with them often at all. I could expose to my family but I doubt he would care about what they think, also they are on the other side of the country... Any suggestions?

Who gives a cr*p if he is furious if he finds out you have a keylogger on the computer??? YOU are the one who should be furious!! Honestly!

The keylogger that is recommended around here quite a lot is almost impossible to detect, I believe. Try it and if he finds it you could deny you know anything about it ~ viruses put weird stuff on people's computers all the time. But trust me, he isn't going to find it.

STOP being afraid of his anger, this is going to get you nowhere. He is trying to control you with his anger and it's working ~ don't let it.

Get a keylogger on your computer TODAY. And why are you putting money into an account that only he has access to? That's nuts. Demand that you get access to that TODAY. You are married and married people shouldn't have separate accounts/no access to accounts.

P.S. make sure you clear out the computer history each and every time you come here, you don't want him to see what you are up to. Don't give him a head's up.

You could also just open an 'InPrivate' session if you have the newer version of IE. That way the WS can't get suspicious when the browsing history is cleared. That way no cookies, links, addresses, etc. are stored on the PC.

...just another idea.

My WH found the keylogger that I installed only 2 hours after I put it there. It was one of those where the info gets emailed instantly, so I got enough to KNOW what was going on.

As far as exposing to his family, what language do they speak? Maybe you could put a shout out and someone could translate something for you.

As far as exposing the OW, have you tried to look them up on FB? Obviously they have an account since that is where your WH met them. You have the evidence that they were contacting each other, so expose them to their parents and friends. Don't do it in a vindictive way, just tell people the truth and that you want their help in influencing OW/WH to do the right thing and end the affair(s).

You WILL and SHOULD expose to your family and friends, you need the support it will bring you. And if your family wants to contact your WH and rip him a new one, LET THEM.

Have you decided if you are going to try to Plan A him for a week or so(maybe longer if you need time to prepare)?

ko, welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here.

Your WH (Wayward Husband) isn't really married. He's a single guy who happens to have a wife. Do you want to live like that?

He may also be a sex addict. You can google a site called "recovery nation" for more info on that (and no, sex addiction is not a joke).

Either way, I'm not sure you have much to work with here. We will try to help you as best we can but you can't make a guy want to be married when he's really single, and you sure can't build a life with any kind of addict.

Thanks for the replys!

I know I shouldn't care about his anger. This is going to be hard to overcome, looking back he has used anger to his advantage for years. He says the most hateful things when he's angry.

We used to have a joint account. It was so much trouble for me. When he would check the account he would question every single thing I spent, why did I spend that amount on bills, why did I order lunch (this was when I worked in the office), what did I buy this day at this place. It was so frustrating because I make 100% of our income and I never questioned him if he wanted to spend something. I always thought that we should have a joint account but it was impossible to deal with, now I don't know if I should have handled it differently.

We have seperate computers, I have a work laptop and a personal computer, he also has a personal computer. My work laptop is password protected which he does not know the password to and this is the one I use to post here. My boss created the password because it is his and he has some confidential files on it as well. So no worries about WH seeing me at this site.

I'm sorry, I posted before I saw there was a second page of replys.

WH's family speaks spanish, I don't know any (ok very little) but I'm sure I could use an online translator or something. I don't think anyone in his family uses email except his sister (she'd delete it and not respond to me or show his parents, she is like that). Should I try to call them or mail a letter?

I kind of saw the OW's facebook pages but they are set to private, I'd have to friend them to actually see it. If I friend them then WH will know if they accept (I think, I can see my other friends friends anyways). I did a reverse search on the phone numbers but was not able to come up with any info that way. I could text message the OW's but I don't know how to contact their family.

I'm going to try the keylogger. I'm worried about that because there was a time that I deleted the internet history (only because my computer was running stupidly slow) and he was still able to find all of the history, its still saved somewhere even though you delete it. He wanted to know why I cleared the history so he went looking to see what he could find and then told me what he did. So I know he can figure these things out...

I would like to try Plan A, but how long should this last? Would putting a time line down not work? For example, if he doesn't change by June? I know that's aways out, but I'd want him to not only stop talking with these OW's but to start meeting my EN's too.

If Plan A doesn't work then I'd need at least 2 weeks until my next payday to be ok, financially. At that point I'd at least be able to stay in a hotel room.

Thanks for the advice!

Go online and google 'english to spanish translation.' That will bring up a translator page where you can translate your letter.

Thanks Maritalbliss, I'm going to work something up to send tonight.

Here is a small list of his complaints about me. I asked him why he was being so different but did not let him on to the fact that I found what I found. I don't quite think this is the whole truth though...

- I don't make enough $ for him, he feels I should make more. I have changed jobs and positions within those jobs since I've met him. I'm not sure this is a huge difference but I'm making $10,000 more per year than when we got married.

- I don't clean enough. I deep clean every weekend, and pick up after things during the week. I do all of the dishes, all of the laundry and clean up after the cats. He gave an example of finding a hair of mine in the sink which upset him...

- He feels he doesn't eat enough and that he doesn't eat enough quality foods. I go grocery shopping once a week. I cook 3 meals a day and prepare various snacks for him. All of the things I make are healthy. If I ask him what he wants me to make or what he wants from the store, he says he doesn't know. He does 0 cooking.

- He says I don't have any personality. He wouldn't explain what this means and I'm not sure what it means either, since I do have a personality (doesn't everyone?)

- He says I don't take care of myself but would not elaborate. I shower 2 times a day, I workout 4 to 5 times a week, I wear make up, dress nice (I think anyways), smell good (again I think this). Not sure where else I can improve?

- For the sex issues - he says he just doesn't like it. He says he is too picky and he does not like touching me in anyway. He however, has no problem being on the receiving end of things.

- Finally, I didn't make a dentist appointment for him. This one I could laugh at (but didn't). He asked me a few months ago to make a dentist appointment for him. I asked him where he'd like to go and when and he said he didn't know. He is upset that I didn't research to see which dentist he should go to, set up an appointment, and of course pay for it. Personally I think this is silly but I didn't say that.

Ok, so in Plan A, I should be working to correct these things correct? I have no idea what to do? Can you please give me suggestions??? Should I start plan a without him knowing what I'm doing and why? Or start after confronting him about the texts?

Can you tell me why in the world he's not working?

Sometimes this stuff irks me.
We have a husband that isn't working, doesn't clean, doesn't have any kids to take care of, etc complaining about everything and yet doesn't contribute to anything.

I don't get it.

I'm still not clear on why you want to save this marriage.
He sounds like a tyrant.
Do you love him?

You make 100% of the income? And yet he bosses you around and criticizes you?

I wouldn't be interested in saving that.

Maybe you should tell us a few good things about him...

Right I do make 100% of the income. I partially blame his family for this since his brother and sister have the same attitude, they are too good to work. Plain and simple. The only person in his family who works is his step-dad. His mother makes it clear that her kids are too good for that...

I do love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore.

He is very talented (he's a musician who is not doing anything at all right now). He had a great sense of humor and could make me laugh so easily. Everyone loves him, he is great to everyone and gets along with anyone he meets (it was like that with me too but stopped). He stood by me during a difficult experience when I had to cut out some of my toxic family members.

I just don't know right now what the smart option for me is. Also, it's scary to think of being alone after 7 years, know what I mean?

Holy cow, one more complaint just came in by phone...

He called from the gym to tell me he lost 1 pound (he is trying to gain weight) and it's because I didn't buy cereal at the store yesterday.

Sorry everyone but these things are just itching my nerves really bad right now. Thanks for letting me have a mini-vent. I can't believe he called only to say that.