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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
Here is the list I have exposed to:
Her parents
Choir director
The pastor and other church leaders
all of our Close friends
My sibilings (who she is close to)
My parents are deceased (so not there)
His parents
His brothers
His wife
3 days after exposure she ended the affair/relationship with him, but did so on his terms.
The only contact so far has been on facebook where she liked a comment he posted about his daughter. Even after she knew it would bother me.
It is Exposure day +5 at this point and she has so far no regrets no remorse.
Is that normal? How should I deal with my expectations (I can't make her apologize) Are my expectations too high? I have not asked for an apology. Doesn't WW have other family to expose to besides her parents? Siblings? Grandp's?
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Here is the list I have exposed to:
Her parents
Choir director
The pastor and other church leaders
all of our Close friends
My sibilings (who she is close to)
My parents are deceased (so not there)
His parents
His brothers
His wife
3 days after exposure she ended the affair/relationship with him, but did so on his terms.
The only contact so far has been on facebook where she liked a comment he posted about his daughter. Even after she knew it would bother me.
It is Exposure day +5 at this point and she has so far no regrets no remorse.
Is that normal? How should I deal with my expectations (I can't make her apologize) Are my expectations too high? I have not asked for an apology. Actually your expectations are not high enough because she is still in contact with him. You are worried about the wrong thing, though. She is not going to feel remorse at all until the affair ends. Her continued contact with him will keep her triggered which means the affair will stay alive. I would DEMAND she end all contact. Delete the FB page, hand you her cell phone, do whatever it takes to end contact and prove to you it is ended. The recovery of your marriage won't even begin until that happens. Once her affair is ended and she goes through withdrawal, she may feel remorse, but that will not happen until the affair ends. I most certainly would not allow her to carry on her affair from your childrens home via facebook and any continued contact should be met with a LOUD confrontation "PLEASE TAKE YOUR AFFAIR OUT OF OUR HOME". Ask her to take her affair out of your home, disconnect your router, call the OMW and the OM, raise holy hell any time you have evidence of contact. That will make it all not worth it pretty fast. Set her down and insist she end contact and send the OM a no contact letter. [I will post it below] Any contact with him, even on FB, email or text puts recovery back to DAY ONE. I would also suggest telling your 5 and 7 year old about her affair. YOURSELF. Giving them false explanations about the source of tension is harmful to your wife and teaches them to be dishonest. Her affair should not be whitewashed to your children. That is harmful to your whole family, especially your wife. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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The only contact so far has been on facebook where she liked a comment he posted about his daughter. Even after she knew it would bother me.  You've left this door to contact open. Close it. Delete her account. Brainstorm, danno. Ask yourself, 'how can they get in contact?' And then close that door. Her cell phone? Switch phones with her. Block his number. Change her number. Our cell phone provider changed our numbers and it was free because we'd never changed them before. Took 5 minutes, tops. Land line? Change the number to an unlisted one. Email? Shut down that email account. Do you have a keylogger installed?
Last edited by maritalbliss; 02/14/11 12:11 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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