Call the Harley Counseling center and make an appointment.

I do have a plan--he will end the relationship with OW, we will fill out and discuss the questionnaires, we will set up time to spend together to work on the needs and avoid the love busters, we will talk honestly and listen without judgments or defensiveness. That's my plan, we'll see how it goes. He has to take the first step and end it.

How will you be able to confirm NC?

What is your H's plan to protect you from any future lies/secrecy/adultery ?

HE needs a plan.

yep, mostly. OWH has full access to phone records, and they don't know. Texting is another matter, but everyone is watching them now and everyone knows. Plus if he's with me, I can watch him. I have looked into the phone snooping thing (flexispy?) and am prepared to shell out the $ for it.

He does need a plan, but he has to have a goal first (saving the marriage).

Which is why you call the MB counseling center.
YOU take the first appointment.
Harley coach will advise you of the best method to get H interested/on board.

Here is what Harley recommends - and additionally, I would make sure you have daily access to his phone and can make sure there is no contact. Will he give you the password to his phone? How will you confirm there has been no contact?

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Can you get that on his phone without him finding out? You will probably only need the cheaper version for your purposes. That one is $149.

I like it. He'll send her something, if for no other reason than to have it in writing.

It's the threat of both losing their jobs that they fear most, at this stage I would not trust your husband with a bar of soap. He has a chat with OW and happy days, not so, assume they have a plan to keep nc untill it settles down then make contact again. Without giving you specifics set the bar high, hard boundaries, this the opportunity for him to not only stop the affair but change his behaviours at home, like be a better father to your children, share the household work, even if you are a stay at home mother he can help out, behave like a married man not like a singleton.

Insist he has a polygraph to ensure he has not planned to contact the OW again and a future regular polygraph to confirm he has not.

Let him know up front this is on your list , he best come clean soon.

If you wish let the OWH do the same. As nc is now for life , one of them has to leave the job to prevent a future encounter.

They ARE both afraid of losing their jobs and I suggested to WH that maybe he should get another job. It has been the source of stress for us for forever. I have always had high expectations of him, but we haven't expressed boundaries in a long time. Guess that would have been helpful a long time ago. We will be discussing expectations and boundaries and goals before any healing can be done.

hssh, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If you don't have, please order it off this website. [they sell the books at cost here] OR send the radio show a question about your problem and they will send you a free book. That book has a great plan for recovery in it.

I found the book at Borders today. Will be reading it cover to cover. We have a wall of defensiveness built up between us that we need to break down. We have not been able to communicate honestly for a long time because of that wall. It will have to be the first thing to tear down.

hssh, I will tell you a little secret to jumpstart your recovery. See, the problem is that the romantic love has eroded in your marriage. The goal of Marriage Builders is not to improve communication, but to help you fall in love. People who are in love have very little trouble with communication.

So the fastest way to jumpstart the romance in your marriage is through undivided attention time. If you can schedule 25+ hours per week of UA, you can get your marriage back on a fast track. It really does work. This is your fastest horse

We talked about that today too. I told him the road to recovery would be hard just like with any other relationship. He said it wasn't hard in the beginning. I said we made time for each other in the beginning. We sought out ways to meet each others needs without even knowing we were doing it. He says "I've been trying." I say "You didn't know what I needed just like I didn't know what you needed. It can't work if we're both shooting arrows in the dark."

Needs assessment comes first, then love busters, carving out time for each other and giving each other UA. I know we can be in-love again. I just have to convince him that it's worth fighting for.

hssh, be sure and focus on the top 4 intimate emotional needs, those will give you the biggest bang for your buck: sexual fulfillment, affection, recreational companionship and conversation.

I would let him know would be willing to forgive him if he committed to this marriage plan.

hssh, you are already getting great advice.

It is important that you sit down your WH and tell him that you will need him to:
~ write the NC letter (**btw please send it via snail mail, verified by you/not by text or email!)
~ set up some ExtraOrdinary Precautions (changing his email and phone #)
~ be transparent, giving you passwords to all accounts and access to his phone at any time, and accounting for his time

This serves several purposes. If he will not do any of the above, it is a red flag that he is not serious about NC and you will need to keep your eyes wide open. But it also shows him that you have expectations of him in this recovery and that you won't accept crumbs.

Hang in there!

I've read the 1st half of Surviving an Affair. I understand that it will take time, he will have to get over the affair before we can make any headway, etc. But the wait is killing me. We still haven't really talked since yesterday morning. He's avoiding getting to the heart of the issue. Contacted OWH to see if WH and OW have talked again and I am waiting to hear back. I'm a following the principles in the book--no angry outbursts, being respectful, trying to make this the best place to be so he's how good he has it here, etc. But he hasn't been here. We text and I'm as nice as could be. I'd love to spend 25+ hours together during the week, and we may get back to that point, but he has not interest in being home right now. I know, that's part of Plan A, and Plan B will be coming soon. I just feel very conflicted about everything--his actions, my feelings, what to do. I don't know, I've just never been here before.

He filled out the EN Questionnaire and told me where he hid it. We both put down that we wanted the same things! We ARE on the same page emotionally. There are a few differences, but overall, it is essentially the same.