I did talk to them last night. I did loose it a bit but I had to stand up for myself. As soon as I walked in the door my dad made a comment about how much stuff I bought and asked me if I bought out the store. (I bought a few food items and several house hold items we were out of. It wasn't that much stuff) They have been saying things like you have too much crap, you should throw stuff away or sell it on e-bay. They also point out home improvement stuff I don't have the money to do and won't do unless I know we aren't going to loose the house. I understand they are trying to help. I explained to them that I know all these things need to be done but I have to deal with the immediate future stuff first and then work on the other things when I can. It was a little tense. I changed the subject and talked light hearted. My mom gave me a hug and told me she loves me and they just want to help. I told her I understand that and when they bring up things I need or should do it just puts more pressure on me. Normally after I would stand up for myself with my Dad I would get the silent treatment from my dad but not this time.

The other day my mom said to me �Don�t date.� Like I needed someone to tell me that!
BTW, where are you in your stitch? I see you are in plan B and WH is still with OW. Are you still willing to work on things if he repents and makes amends?


I guess I would be doing the same things they are doing. The weird thing is they have seen WH a couple of times and they haven�t really said anything to him. They are in shock at how he acts like everything is normal. My dad even said that if he didn�t know what was really going on he would have no clue. I am so grateful I found MB too. Even if WH never comes around I know I tried everything I could. If I didn�t find MB I would have made terrible mistakes and would have kept in contact with him after D. Not now�

SIL told me yesterday her husband was able to look up the deed to the condo and it does say "married person" next to WH's name.

Where am I in my sitch? I am still in Plan B and with having small children, it isn't as dark as I hope. By that I mean, my children tend to tell me things that happen with WH and OW when they are there. It is hard to hear about these things but I need to let them talk when they need to. They are dealing with their anger a bit better too. It's harder to see my children deal with the abandonment of their father than for me to deal with the betrayal of my husband, KWIM?

Would I attempt to recover my marriage to my WH? Mostly, my answer to that is, "yes, as long as he is willing to meet ALL of my requirements for recovery." I would not even consider attempting recovery with anything LESS than that. There are days though, where I really don't know if I am going to really want hijm back. These past few days, I have been processing a lot about my sitch and honestly, I have been quite sad. I am worried that if I let WH go completely, I won't ever want him back. I think about all of the pain I went through during the A, during Plan A and now in Plan B and I don't want to "waste" it and then I realize that it would NEVER be a waste UNLESS I started communicating with my WH while he was still in an A and if I didn't follow the MB way. So, in short(hehehehe IMAGINE the LONNNNNGGGGGG answer), I am a work in progress. It's no picnic, but it could be a lot worse.

I know what you mean. I am angry about what he has done and is doing to me but not as angry as other BS�s get. I think it is because I need to stay focused and realize it is on him not me. It is when it affects the kids directly that sets me off.
WH does come here and visit with the kids. He has no clue how disconnected he is from them. They love him, but they are so used to him not being there emotionally and physically for them on a constant basis. My parents notice how disconnected the kids are from WH. They are relieved to see how well adjusted the kids are given the circumstances�. They realize that it�s because I have always been there for them and always will.

I feel the same way. He will not have any say in the conditions I put down. If he has an issue with them then I have my answer about whether he really wants to recover or not.

It�s hard I am sure. I will know how hard when I go dark. You just have to keep reminding yourself that you deserve a loving respectful spouse. You will never have that unless he comes out of the fog, confesses, makes amends and meets all your requirements. If you give in and break plan B that would be you not thinking well about yourself not him. You rock, you rule!

Speaking of going dark, is that date still Mar 1st? Are you fully prepared? Do you have everything figured out? Do you need any help? I believe that the more prepared you are, emotionally and functionally, for Plan B the easier it is to execute and STAY dark in Plan B.

Actually I haven't picked an exact day. I originally picked February 1st but that didn't work out. I have to get some things done before hand. We got the car out of the garage and started the clean-up in there. Dad is going to help me program the garage door opener and we are going to get new locks for the front door. I have a mental list in my head of what needs to be done but not on paper so I need to do that. Can you give me some pointers as to what I need to have done before plan B? I think I am mentally and emotionally prepared, it's the functionally part I have to work on.

Our old neighbors from WI are coming down here the first week of March and staying for a month. They have their own place that is a 10 minute ride from here. They can be great support to me and also be on call if I need them.

WH just texted me.

You want to meet for Indian buffet?

So I guess I am going to lunch.

Dad thinks I should tell WH to pound sand, tick him off. I told him that would just justify WH's opinion of me being a btch. Dad doesn't understand what I am doing but he said everyone is different and it's my life. I'm glad we agree on one thing!

Lunch went well. I texted him back with.
Sounds Yummy. How about noon?
He texted back.
YES!
Then he called me when I was on my way. He wanted to know if I wanted him to pick me up. When I was parking the car at the restaurant he texted me to let me know he got a table. When I walked in the door he was smiling at me. (I did look hot) We had a nice lunch then went our separate ways. He mentioned he was coming by to see the kids later. He showed up at 8:30PM. He went right to his closet to look for his ATM card for the new checking account. He had it and I don't know what he did with it but I'm sure he thinks I took it. I was joking around with him and things were ok. Then he mentions he needs the food card. (Put on the brakes an LB for me) I told him the card was for the kids. He said it is for the 6 of us. (tension rises) I told him I didn't think we should talk about that now. He said "Ok, but I need it." He did come back to me later to give me a hug before he left. He is not getting that card. Any suggestions as to what to say to him?

You did good.

Say:

Have you explained Plan B to Dad?

And you could add "You are welcome to eat with us"

(tee hee.....don't add til March 1st)

Thanks.
Yes I have explained Plan B and A to both my parents. My mom is more supportive but doesn't agree with it. My Dad also doesn't agree with it and tells me so in a non-direct way. He follows it up with "It's your life, you do what you want." or "I'm not you so I don't know what you are going through." Your basic passive aggressive responses that I always get from him. Can you tell I have issues with him? I am doing a great job standing up for myself with him without being mean or angry. I just state how I feel and what I want.

As for saying "You are right, it for the six of us. Not for one of us." he is asking for it for the kids visit this weekend. I can remind him he spent $250 of it last month and didn't have the kids. If you break it down to daily use it is $26 a day so that was 9.5 days worth. Or I can just say I have to stock up with food because he left me with 31.09 last month and food was depleted.

Be open and honest. Stop trying to teach him.

Nope, don't remind him that he took it last month, HE REMEMBERS.

Have you hidden the food card? Just treat him the way you would a child asking for money when you aren't giving him any, IGNORE.

If you feel like you need to respond, yu could say something like, "The food card is used for feeding our children in their home, crazy weather we are having." Then move on. DO NOT engage. This is NOT something you need to engage with him about, cuz he isn't getting the card.

I know this is going to sound like a weird question, but being in Canada, I am curious. What is this food card? Is it like food stamps used to be(I only know about food stamps from TV)? Is it something that is based on need? How could you get a card for food if he was able to buy a condo? If I am wrong about what the food card is, I apologize, and plead ignorance.

This is an ideal response! He needs to be responsible for all their upkeep when they are away from the home. If he needs to (HA HA Mr. Condo Owner good luck!!!) he can apply for his own card.

He is separating the household into "his" and "hers". This is one instance you are agreeing with him.

Are you talking about my dad or my WH? Could be either.

Lol, I'd say both!

I know he remembers but he needs to eat, right?

Yes, I have it hidden when I need to. I take it out when I have to use it. I have to treat him like a child because he is acting like one.

I like this.
Yes it is food stamps only it is now like a re loadable ATM card. They put the $ for the month on the 11th and once it is spent you are SOL until the next month.

The food card is in his name because he is the one collecting unemployment. If he gets pissed and messes with it I will have to go apply myself. I am looking into what I can get if he does pull any crap with finances.

My parents are opening a checking account here in their names, putting $ in it and giving me the card and pin number for me to use. He can't get at that account.

I could say "The card is for our home. We still have the same expenses as we always have had. You decided to move out so you will have to figure out how to handle your own expenses. Would you like a cookie?"

It seems like you need to go apply for your own card. This is one thing you need to take care of for your Plan B. When is that date that you have picked for your Plan B?