again, yes I know Mel, I have been reading and reading on here and can see how it got so destructive.

Yes I will be snooping, (if I can ever get this flexispy thing to work, I will I have to)

Pepper, we have had that conversation, he wants me, he wants the marriage, he doesn't want her and hasn't for a while judging by the emails I found, was just too chicken to take her hysterics I think, she's not very stable!

He is trying, but you are right I need a cunning plan and think that Mr Harleys writings along with others on the boards and I have been lurking long enough to see the vets advice!

Ideas welcome

As long as you are not texting your OP from the bathroom!!

I was going to edit my post to say EXACTLY these words !

Love the new sig, by the way!!

I am not!! He isn't either the phone is switched off, in full view so no worries there, it's when he's not here the anxiety grows, hence the spy.

However I am Plan Aing, though sometimes slip, he seems forgiving and understanding.

When I look at what we have and what the marriage is, yes it could improve but it's OK unless I get triggered and then it just churns away.

I know we can be good again, just needs some fine tuning and her gone permanantly. Now her hubby knows and is occasionally speaking to me, I hope we can move on. As a result of exposure he left her and even that news didn't send my WH off to 'support' her, neither did her mothers death so maybe, just maybe??

How can I tell he's coming out of the fog, he is depressed, has anxiety attacks, but is also very loving. Does that sound as though he's on the right track?

Thanks

Why, thank you!
Love yours too.

Looking at your sig line ... Is it accurate?

The fact that there was an NC letter almost ONE YEAR ago, is worrisome.
There ought be no fog after several months of actual NC.

no ..........sig line says NC letter dec 10 thats just 2 months ago.
Contact from her last about 4 weeks ago and no evidence that she has made further contact

My bad.
Thanks for the correction.
I saw DD final 1.12.10

Why the lag between last D-day and NC letter?

Why do you suppose OW dared contact AFTER the NC letter?

Something is fishy here.

lag was 2 days, lots of stuff had to be got through.

Minger dared contact as she thought she was special, there were several teary calls which I was party to and then she went quiet until the text about her mothers death (I did think that was fair enough) (xmas eve re the funeral and a bit of a bunny boiler one about coming to our town but not to see him! he showed me all and several I responded to so she knew we were working together) and last one 4 weeks ago, I think she needed to get the message that he wasn't playing out any more.

for most of Dec we were together all the time which is how i knew there was NC or very minor. Since then calls between me and WH several times a day, I call him on mobile or at work if hes supposed to be there, texts and some very lovely cards and flowers.

I so want to believe him and let go of the anxiety a bit but not relax about minger.

Too early to believe him.
Sorry.

Wishful thinking is NOT a plan.

Remember this:

no plan = no sanity

I know, it was a wish!!

I know we have a long road to repair the damage he and minger did to us, I do think he wants to as well, I just am not sure how strong he can be and how well he could not respond if she breaks NC, though to date he has told me and we have discussed it calmly.

I am snooping within the limitations I have and am also Plan A ing him he knows I don't trust him and he wants me to be happy.

Thanks, can you point me to where I can find a clear plan for next steps?

Yes.
YOU construct it.

Read Surviving An Affair.

Make decisions about what YOU will require of H as protection/precautions.
Share your ideas with the forum for, feedback.

I'll find SexyMamaBear's list.

OK thats comprhensive!

As pagans there is no way we will either of us be attending a church but maybe a trip to the standing stones and some kind of conversation there with the goddess.

Remorse seems a long way off still, I think he's still in withdrawal.

I have read SAA a couple of times and implementing what I can. wish he would read it but I have printed some articles off and left them around, he has been looking at them but not yet at a place where he can discuss them.

we spend a good 15 hours UA but always have!

thanks for that its given me some good ideas and food for thought.

As pagans, do you agree to adhere to some sort of rules of conduct or accountability?
A pagan code of ethics?

What I am asking for, because of my non familiarity, is a way to use Paganism as a tool for recovery.

Any thoughts? Besides the stones?

We used to have a Pagan MBer, who was very prominent on this forum.
Her marriage nearly went off the cliff after her H's second adultery.
She went ape-sh**
If I recall correctly, they sort of wrote their own rules for living.
Sometimes a disaster.

pagan codes similar to Christian ones........essentailly do no harm (ha ha)

Yes I think we can, I need to think on that one a bit but paganism is all about the earth, respect, care for the planet and it's inhabitants. No hell but reincarnation as a cockroach might be similar!!

No we won't be writing our own rules, we will be following MB even if he doen't know it!!

You guys are stars, thanks!

Are there other men in your group that would be valuable to insofar as holding H accountable?

That would be good, but not in a community faith thing, it tends to be more solitary.

Sick and tired of Plan A, beginning to feel like plan doormat. His birthday yesterday, made it exactly as he wanted, stayed in, nice meal, film, lots of SF cuddles, no asking if minger had been in touch (no point as he would say no and I wouldn't believe so a pointless LB)

Today, called at lunch for a quick chat, got very surly response, then when I said I would leave it as he was busy he swore at me and hung up, then got a text that I was being mardy. then one that said he's call when he knew when he would be home.

Seems hardly rocket science to work out minger is back in touch. I don't have any where to go, neither does he and he won't leave anyway. Had enough, can you do plan B while living under the same roof...no course not, but this plan A is horrid, all I want to do is yell.

He will not talk, certainly won't consider looking at what we need to do to fix this but doesn't want to end it either. All he says he wants is peace which I guess is code for leave me alone.

Sorry rant over but any suggestions welcome. Nothing on Flexispy, guess he's using the work phone which he never brings home.

Thanks for reading

Hey there. What type of software is that you can use remote install for emails? I need something like that. Thanks!