W1,

Nothing just something I feel in common with her OC, I understand that you disagree. But it was in line with something she said about the pain of keeping an enormous secret.

God Bless
Gamma

I actually don't disagree. I have pictures of OM set aside for my OC if she ever desires them. I just don't think this is AD's primary concern right now. Right now, it seems like she's more interested in focusing on saving a very troubled marriage.

writer's right.

Thinking about om only makes me feel worse about my situation, because I know things wouldn't be as bad as they are in my marriage, if not for my A. Also, the whole situation with the lie-- while it eats at me, I do realize I have much "bigger fish to fry" right now, considering where my marriage is.

I don't mind answering you though, Gamma.

- I have no photos of om.
I'm sure I could get one from fb if it came to it, but I blocked his name when I first joined, so he couldn't see me, nor pics of oc. As far as H and I are concerned, and this we agree on.... the only reason to EVER contact om, would be in a life or death situation for oc, where om could possibly help save oc, (bone marrow, necessary family health info, etc....)

- When I first found out I was P, I told om immediately. and ended the A at the same time. That was the last time I saw him, but IF he knows for sure I had a child 9 months later, it was not information provided by me.

As an aside... H and I both tend to be more protective of oc than we were of com, when oc is away from us, ie outside playing. We've talked about it in the past, and it's because we both have a bit of an irrational fear that om will kidnap oc. I've relaxed somewhat over the years. The first couple years I was careful to not even leave the garage door open for fear the om would drive by and see the stroller, and toys, proving a child lives here. H still panics though when he finds out I let oc walk 5 blocks to a friends house, and when I ask why, he says.... "you know why." It's a terrible way to live... both of us in fear.

This made me think. My H and I are very protective of our OC as well, though I don't really think it has anything to do with a fear that OM will kidnap her. I think that's probably because OM is 3000 miles away, so it would be a fairly difficult thing for him to pull off. But I still have this rather irrational fear that she wasn't a child that I was meant to have, and because of this, something bad might happen to her. Also, we're a lot older than we were when our other kids were young, and I think that makes us a lot more aware of our own mortality and mortality in general. I'm always constantly aware of the litany of bad things that can happen to a child. I think I just worry about her more than I worried about my other kids when they were little. Of course, I had 4 kids under the age of 5 at one point, so I didn't have much time to worry.

How has your week been going?

AD, my heart goes out to you. I understand your pain. I had a very unfulfilling M where there was a lot more bad than good, no common ground, boiled down to housemates and little else. Those factors contributed to my A, which produced an OC, and we're where you were at one point--post-D-day where we're clinging together trying to keep our family intact. Things feel good right now, amazingly. However, my H and I truly have fallen in love again...and I see him as my hero now, not just a clutch to get through this. I've learned grace and humility. My H had a major issue with angry outbursts, but I had to change how I interacted with him, how I communicated, and I've seen a slow, steady change in him as he reciprocates my intentional love. When deciding if it was worth it to stay together, I did have to constantly reflect back on our early dating days and try to rekindle thos stale feelings.

Which leads me to this: What did you initially love in your H when you first got married? What did he love about you? Why did he propose, and what made you decide to answer "yes" to his proposal?

wanthealing~ It's been so long, I can't exactly remember what we liked about each other. I do remember liking that he was stable and grounded and I knew I could trust him, unlike any guy I dated before him. We conversed a lot when dating. I remember I liked that a lot. Conversation is my number one EN. (if that's on the list I don't even recall anymore, but whatever one fits with conversation- that's mine) I'm glad things are going better for you.

pepperband~ Not good. We haven't spoken one single word to each other in over a week. Our anniversary came and went without either of us acknowledging it in anyway. Not even happy anni, or a card exchange.

AD,

You said

Why?

JL

AD, I really think it may help if you make the first move. Yes, it's humbling. Consider it martyrdom for your marriage. I had to make the first move with my H and eventually I became "irresistable" to him. He couldn't help but put out effort. It started with a playful text that said I love him. Less confrontation while still opening communication. At first he rebuffed my efforts, but I kept on. Eventually he started going along with it. Baby steps. Maybe just plan one baby step you can take today to show affection...then another step tomorrow if he doesn't respond. I know you may feel like a doormat in doing so, but humility is the only way to salvation of any marriage. No marriage can last when pride and stubborness get in the way. Besides, it builds character. I am honestly a better woman for learning to drop my pride.

I'm praying for you.

Who was it who said:

Do you want to be "right", or do you want to be married?

JL~ I think because it's a tad less stressful than fighting. He has called me some names under his breath, and also done a few things that he knows would typically make me irate- I think to get me to complain, which then causes a fight, including slamming a kitchen drawer shut on purpose while my hand was reaching in- luckily he yelled at the same time, so I was able to yank my hand out quickly enough. I said, "oh wow" in a quiet voice, and he mocked me by saying "oh wow" back. That was the only verbal exchange we've shared in the last week. I'm worn out from fighting, so I say nothing, and pretend those things aren't bothering me.

Pep~ Probably many wise people have said it? I've certainly read it before. Did I say it once in a post to someone too?

I think I might be depressed.

wanthealing~ Sorry, didn't mean to overlook your post. I think he'd probably respond favorably if I made the first move.

So what have you got to lose?

Yep.
What are you going to do about it?

Not going on an Rx. I've been on zoloft before and not going back. I already have to take Rx for migraines, I don't want any others.

Thinking of emailing a letter to the radio program, but I don't know what to ask or say. Any suggestions?

How about;

"Dear Dr. Harley,

What is a spouse to do when they have a bottomless well of excuses and justifications to not try to improve their situation, and want to complain that it doesn't get any better? How can you make a situation better, without doing anything but complaining? Dr. Harley, I don't want to make an effort, I want the magical marriage fairy to appear and make me blissful. Trying is just too hard."

That's about the sum of this thread "I'm not happy, and I'm not willing to do anything about it... so what should I do, that involves doing nothing, because no matter what is suggested, I have an excuse and won't do it."

I have a friend who is a similar situation, AD. She cannot seem to find any love in her heart for her betrayed H; in fact, she hates him. Resents him. So it's not just you. And while I do wish you could find the courage to take that one small step to show affection today, it's clear that the motivation isn't there. You want to wallow. I recognize this feeling, since sometimes I like to be mad too. Crazy, yes, but fixable when you start to feel the other side of mad--joy. Once you have a few precious moments of joy with your H, you won't want the anger anymore. But pride is blocking both of you. Pride is the root of evil, AD. It seeks to destroy all that is good. Don't let pride win. Please fight this!

So how do you muster up the motivation to try to take that one small step toward showing affection? It's what your thread heading asks point-blank, and it's really all you need to ask the Harleys. You cannot settle for being miserable anymore. It's hurting you all and dragging on much too long.

Maybe you are depressed, but do you find joy in other things...like your OC? If so, then it sounds like conditional depression...with your H being the condition. So meds wouldn't be the solution. Love is, though.

I hope you end up writing that letter to the Harleys and consider sending that one little "I love you" text (if you text, that is). See what happens. It can't be worse than the current misery.

It's time to end this pain, AD.

Great idea HHH, I remember being helpful like that at your age too.
~~~~

Thank you, wanthealing, those are some wise words.

I'm not mad though. Worse-- I don't care.
That's why I'm spinning my wheels here, and not doing anything.

I do believe MB works. I've read enough positive threads to know it does. A common denominator though seemed to be that at least one of the spouses wanted the marriage to recover, and it was usually the one that began the actions toward recovery. It's ironic that I'm here asking the questions. You'd think it would be my husband, because I think he cares a little more than I do.

So why didn't you do anything? All it would have taken to change that was for you to act. You know, say and do something that expressed your love.

Instead you come here and complain nothing happened. Of course it didn't. Remember, love is something you do, not something you feel. You told us you did nothing.

So what got better? The same, nothing.

What my signature means is if the adulterous spouse doesn't end the affair and eventually commit to marriage building, it really doesn't matter how much of the program her betrayed husband perfectly implement, no marriage building will occur.

Some behaviors simply have to end before MB can truly be effective.

Since you are here, the folks here are going to focus on your behaviors that are counter-productive when it comes to marriage building.

You meet his needs and eliminate love busters. I've yet to see a part of the program where your behavior is contingent on him behaving a certain way.

If you want to marriage build, there is one way, marriage build. If you want to complain about what your husband does or doesn't do, then perhaps this is not the website for you.