His plan so far is:

1. Avoid conversations with women whenever possible.
2. Go to counseling to discuss his issues (depression, boundaries, etc.). He has already gone to a counselor twice in the past couple of weeks and he has another appointment again next week. We also have our first counseling session together next week.
3. Make sure both of our emotional needs are met. Read relationship books and articles and discuss our relationship often. Go on a date night at least once a month and go on an overnight trip together (without kids) a couple times per year.

He has read some of the MB materials and we ordered some of the books. We also completed the emotional needs questionaire together. We determined that he has a high need for admiration, intimacy, and sex; while I have a high amount of need for honesty and companionship.

In hindsight now I do realize that I wasn't meeting any of his primary emotional needs and he wasn't meeting mine either. This caused a very superficial relationship where we were both somewhat unhappy and not feeling "in love." I met my needs by seeking out friendships with women and turning away from him, while he met his needs by having an affair. Admittedly, I did not have many loving feelings for him for the past two years (basically since he took the job with the bad schedule). I was at risk for an affair just as much as he was, I just didn't have the opportunity.

This is all very eye opening for both of us. I'm so grateful that I found this website so we can fix the problems.

I had a hard time believing that they didn't have sex either, but he continues to insist that they did not. I did get tested for STDs and the tests were all negative. I haven't asked for a polygraph, but I will. I wouldn't even know where to get that done though. Are those tests even accurate?

They are pretty accurate. But what is even more helpful is that the vast majority of WS' will spill their guts before the test. A good strategy is make an appointment with the polygraph tester and then tell your spouse 2 days beforehand. Hand him a list of questions and tell him you are going to give him an opportunity to answer all your questions and come clean BEFORE the test but that you expect him to pass the test. Give him an amnesty period to come clean before the test. a thread about polygraph testers


hurt, I think some of this is him telling you what you want to hear? Do you agree? Especially the part about reading relationship books and discussing your relationship often. That is not something I would expect to hear from a man.

What is more appealing to men is the action oriented Marriage Builders plan. Instead of relationship discussions, it focuses on an action plan that will create romantic love in your marriage. The fastest way to fall in love again is to schedule 25 hours per week of undivided attention with each other, meeting the top 4 intimate needs of sexual fulfillment, affection, conversation and rec companionship. The time together should be pleasant.

hurt, you can help him learn how to speak to women in an appropriate manner by giving him feedback. You have a unique perspective in that you know when a man is coming on too strong so you can help him ID when he is being appropriate.

Hurt, make sure he is serious about R, he might just be telling you what you want to hear and still be seeing OW.
If I am not mistaken you are not sure yet if it is completely over with OW.
IMO he is buying time to keep his options open. A man who falls for a 25 year old does not get over her easily, he might be considering leaving you for her, but for now does not want to risk the M.
A serial cheater like your WH is not to be trusted. Period. You need to give him a poligraph and make sure he is 100% on board with R, otherwise you are in for a lot of pain down the road.
How old are your kids now?
Blessing

I think he is serious about recovery. He is basically spending all of his free time with me talking and trying to figure this all out. I have several times said that I wanted divorce and he begged me not to go through with it. I've kicked him out and even began filling out the divorce papers and he repeatedly begged me not to divorce him. If he wanted out, he has had plenty of opportunities to leave.

He has admitted that it is difficult getting over his feelings for the ow, but that he wants me and not her. He seems embarrased about what happened.

I have not made this easy on him. He has gone through a lot of hell over the past few weeks. He even told me he wanted to kill himself because of all the pain he has caused. I have told him that our marriage will need constant work and that I will never trust him. I told him all the things I will need from him, including going to counseling for the rest of his life, not talking to other women, never being able to go do anything withough accounting for where he was (keeping receipts, pictures, etc.) and he has said that he loves me and is willing to do anything to stay with me. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I think I do believe him.

Our kids are 4 and 8. Both girls.

I'm to the point where I know where he is 24/7. If he goes to get an oil change, I request the receipt and look at the time. I call him at work to make sure he is there and make sure he calls me from work when he leaves (I have caller ID and can tell when he is calling from his desk at work). I have access to his cell phone records online (I have his password) so I can tell who he calls and when he texts people. I also have his email and facebook passwords and have been watching that as well. As far as I can tell, he hasn't been in contact with her, but I'm sure he could find a way if he tried.

That's a good approach, but not always feasible. Make sure you role play with him to help him understand how to communicate with these women. Because his communication skills and boundaries with women are poor, he needs to learn new skills to protect your M. Go over those with him so that he has the tools when he needs them.

We have done some role playing. He has admitted that this will be difficult, but he wants to try and he says he will discuss his progress with me.

hbd, another thing you can do is slip a GPS in his car. They sell a cheaper version at Best Buy that needs to be charged up every few days or you can get a pricier one that is hooked up under the dash that doesn't need to be charged. If you want to check into that, go to the GPS thread over on Operation Investigate forum.

Thanks, I will do that. I also asked him about completing a polygraph test and he thought it was a good idea. He says he is actually happy about doing it because he wants to show me he has been telling the truth. Maybe there is hope for us after all?

He also started a notebook for me where he is writing down all of his feelings and plans to avoid affairs going forward. He showed it to me and it looks pretty good. He seems to be putting some thought into this.

It sounds really good!

It sounds very promising. I'd schedule the polygraph and go through with it, just to be sure.

Thanks, I think so too. I'm starting to hope.

My only concern is that he told me today that it crossed his mind to go see the OW this morning, but he decided not to do it because he wants me and doesn't want to mess things up with me or hurt me. He said he just wanted to tell me about it so we don't have any secrets. I'm hurt that he thought about her when I'm hurting so much, but I'm glad he didn't follow through with it and told me his thoughts. What do you think? Was this good or bad or what? Maybe just part of the withdrawal process? I'm confused about how to handle this information.

Its great he is opening up to you. Mention to him that it did hurt a bit that he was thinking of her but then praise him (make him feel safe telling you) for opening up and disclosing that info to you. The safer you make him feel for being honest (feelings are valid even if you do not agree with them) the easier it will be in the future.

This is a great step for your hubby. Sounds like he is really serious about drawing the lines in the sand with his boundries. Keep encouraging each other!

Thank you. I will definitely encourage him about this. He also just called me and told me that he had a conversation with a woman when he picked our daughter up at preschool. He said he was trying not to talk to anyone, but she kept asking him questions. He said he didn't ask her any questions, but answered her questions politely. I think this is the part that is going to be very hard for him because women are used to him being open and friendly, so they will often approach him to talk. He told me everything that was said. I think he could have done better, but he did okay. I think he is trying. I just hope it lasts.

Hurt .. thats also a great sign. It wasnt overnight that got you two into the mess .. and it will not be overnight to fix it. The safer he feels openeing up to you his true feelings and such the more he will feel inclined to do so as long as you validate his feelings and give an appropriate neutral response if its something that may strike a chord in you to be negative.

keep up the good work!

It's going to take him a while to learn appropriate conversation. Figure it this way: he's been doing it the wrong way for years. Keep working with him.

Well, I spoke too soon. Last night he admitted to having sex with her three times and having oral sex several times too. Apparently their relationship went on for a year, not six months like he originally said. I guess the threat of a polygraph finally brought out the truth. He said he didn't want to tell me because he decided he wanted me and didn't think there was any point in hurting me further. I'm in so much pain. I wish I didn't even know about the sex. Now I can't get the visions out of my head. What can I do to relieve this unbearable pain?

On the bright side, he is continuing to insist that he hasn't had any contact with the other woman since three days after d-day, which was about 4 weeks ago. Should I believe him? I'm still thinking about scheduling the polygraph, but honestly I don't know if I can take anything else. I won't survive any more pain and I can't stand to know any more about the affair. I was up most of the night crying and he stayed up too talking about what happened and he said over and over that I'm the one that he wants. He cried and begged and even threw up because he was so upset about the pain I was in. Would he do that if he really wanted her instead? I feel like if he didn't love me and wanted her, he would have bailed by now. Am I wrong?