The polygraph is strictly to answer questions to your satisfaction. Don't schedule it if you don't want to hear the answers. At the least, postpone it.

Trickle truth is the worst. I'm sure there is more that he is lying about. You have to decide how much you want to hear.

And he needs to understand that he is not protecting you by screwing around behind your back and then lying about it to get out of it.

I don't think I want to hear anything more about the affair. Ignorance is bliss in that regard. It's in the past and there is nothing more that can be done about that.

As far as him still seeing her...do you think he would still be doing that and then telling me how much he wants me instead and how much he loves me and buying me flowers and jewelry and writing letters to me and writing a plan to stay faithful and texting me all the time to tell me he loves me and expressing fear that I might leave him and agreeing to my irrational terms of checking in all the time at work and never being able to go anywhere without a receipt or proof and giving me full access to his cell phone records and email password and facebook password and agreeing to do polygraph and basically doing anything I ask? Do you think he could be doing all of that and still be in contact with the other woman? Why wouldn't he just leave then? Is it all just a trick that I am falling for?

IMHO, if your WH is doing all that and he is willing to take the poly, that would be enought to convince me. At time is the williness to take the poly that is the best proof, rather than actually taking it
Blessing

Yes, waywards are highly prone to doing this.

Are you snooping, hurtagain?

Thank you for your opinion. It helps to know that there is a good chance he is telling the truth and I'm not crazy for believing him. Another thing that makes me think he is being truthful is that he told his Mom about the affair after I asked him to do so, which was extremely hard for him to do because his Dad cheated on his Mom and left her when he was just a kid. He knew how much his Mom would be hurt by the truth, but he told her anyway because I said it would be best for more people to know about the affair.

Anyway, I hope I'm not crazy for believing he has ended contact with her. I'm just worried that she will contact him and cry and say she misses him. I don't know if he would be strong enough to say no to seeing her at that point.

I've been snooping a little bit by viewing his cell phone records online, his email, and his facebook. I have also been pretty on top of knowing where he is most of the time. I'm sure there have been opportunities that I don't know about though (meeting her for lunch while at work or meeting her when he is supposed to be running an errand). I guess I just need to decide if I can handle knowing or if I would just prefer to live with the "ignorance is bliss" thought and assume that he is being honest and that what he is saying is true. I'm not sure I could mentally handle the thought of him saying all these things to me and then contacting her behind my back. If he really wants her, then why wouldn't he just leave?

I think having this philosophy is where you ran into trouble in the first place.

Hello HurtAgain,

A few people on MB have recommended to me also that my husband should take a poly. I was wondering how you approached it with him. It feels so bizarre to me to ask my husband to take a polygraph. Your husband responded in a positive manner. I would hope mine would too if I knew how to say it. I feel like he would think I was going overboard and turning into a looney-toon. I'm just coming up empty.

Hurt .. I am soo sorry you have discovered more info. Its good that he is revealing you the truth. HOwever .. since he has began to trickle truth .. I am sure there is more. As he gets comfortable with being honest he will open up more. Do not assume he is being honest, that will lead you back down this road again in the future when you think your on the road to recovery. I would suggest that you put a keylogger on your PC to monitor it and that way if he has any secret email accounts .. etc you will get the passwords for them if he uses the home pc. ITs free and very effective. www.desktopshark.com it is also undetectable by antivirus aswell. COuld give you a bit more of a piece of mind to ensure he is having NC. From your description he seems pretty remorsful, but he is in the fog right now and can not be trusted by his words only.

1. Expose this to everyone you can. (this insures the pressure stays on them to stay apart)
2. Make a NC letter to OW approved by you and sent by you. (not an email but an actual letter)
3. Transparency is a must ... ask for all PW's emails ... etc
4. Make a plan for boundries to keep established (or extraordinary precautions to keep your marriage affair proof)
5. Plan A him with the carrot and stick. Get "surviving an affair" if you havent already and do the emotional needs questionair to learn what eachothers top needs are and then learn to become experts at meeting them. ALso HIs Needs Her Needs is also a great book. Part of recovery is to find 20+ hours a week of UA time (undivided attention) You will need time together to reconnect and then 15hrs a week to maintain your romantic love for eachother.

Take things one day at a time .. and snoop all the mean while .. Plan A him to show him your the better choice then OW. (VAR, key logger etc) You may be doing some of this already so im just reaffirming. Its been said that it takes 3 - 5 years to recover from an affair .. you got a long road ahead of you and it will be a rollercoaster of emotions. That is ok ... and very normal. Make sure to read over everything you can here along the way with your hubby to imbed MB into your brains.

Keep up the good work.

Edit: to add in some more stuff

MrNiceGuy, I've seen you link to this website before and didn't say anything, but I do want to stress the old caveat: You get what you pay for.

I reviewed this keylogger and stayed away from it. It does not recognize firewalls. It 'kick-starts' screen savers, which could flag a tech-savvy computer user that a program is running in the background. It does not work on certain operating systems.

I'm glad it worked for you, but I would suggest that this poster check out our forum "Operation Investigate" for other options as well.

It kicked on screen saver?? hmm weird. ANyhow .. You are right about you get what you pay for ... you can pay for that program if one choses to do so .. however. . not everyone has the funds to pay for things and could be looking for cost effective solutions .. especially in this economy. I understand that its cheaper than divorce etc .. but i suggest it due to its cost.... free. I personally have not seen it kick on my screen saver at home... and it functions fine with my firewall ... (mind you i use a free firewall/antivirus too) .. www.comodo.com

Anyhow .. my apologies. Cost effective software is not always the right way to go ... i agree. I just assume since people come here for free advice that they would want to use free software solutions too .. *shrugs*

I told him someone suggested it on this message board and that I though it would help me build trust in him.

Nonono - don't apologize, MrNiceGuy! Your suggestion was good - I don't want to discourage suggestions, at all! I just wanted to throw that in there so everyone is informed.

Yes - one of the problems I read about more than once was its ability to run undetected because of the screensaver. So someone using this software may want to consider removing the screensaver from their desktop.

I know I sound ridiculous. It's just that he seems so genuine. He is often crying when he says that he loves me and won't hurt me any more and begging for my forgiveness. If this is all fake, then he is a damn good actor! He has also promised our daughters and his Mother that he has ended the adulterous relationship and wants to stay with our family. Could he be such a horrible person that he could lie to our 4 year old and 8 year old daughter and his own Mother!? I just don't think I could handle that kind of information if he is that horrible of a person.

If he is still lying to me AND our daughters AND his Mother, then he is not the least bit close to the person I thought he was and I will just want out of this marriage. Why would I want to stay with someone like that? I deserve better.

Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to marriage. Ignorance leads to secret second lives that lead to affairs. We have had many affairs prevented by snooping. If you really think it would be blissful to sit in ignorance while your H contacted his affair partner behind your back, well, I just don't know what to say.

It was too much trust that led to this problem in the first place. If you had been watching more closely you might have been able to stop him. I would not make that mistake again.

Your H has lied and cheated on you. You decided to stay married to him. Yes, you do deserve better. But lets not pretend here like he is something he is not. Your H was recently very dishonest. And yes, he can change, but change takes time and must be demonstrated and proven.

You can't just pronounce a total 180 degree change overnight. People do not change that fast. Real change must be backed up by actions. Talk is cheat with a dishonest person. Most waywards know how to deceive, so you can't go by their words, you have to go by their actions. There is no virtue in affording trust to an untrustworthy person.

Check this out: here

here

I agree with everything that has been said. Ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to recovery after an affair.

You cannot *make* yourself trust someone. Trust automatically will grow or diminish based on someone's actions towards you...and you cannot just hope that feeling safe again will just happen by sweeping this under the rug. It will help you to feel safe when you are actively verifying nothing is going on.

According to the Harleys (and I think many of us BSs will agree!), if you do not feel safe, then you will have a hard time meeting ENs/avoiding lovebusters.

So therefore, snooping is win-win-win. It helps to protect you...it helps you to feel safe when you find nothing (which makes it easier for you to meet ENs!)...and it is GOOD for your H to have an accountability partner. It will help him to be transparent and O&H with you!