Okay, what if I snoop and find something? What do I do with that information?

You bring it here and tell us what it is. We'll tell you what to do with it.
DO NOT TAKE IT TO YOUR WH OR LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE IN POSSESSION OF IT.

Ok, thank you. I already have access to his cell phone, email, Facebook, and I basically know where he is at all times because I'm constantly checking up on him. In addition, I scheduled a polygraph for next Friday and he has said that he is happy to take the test. I am now attempting to get access to his work laptop and email. He has told me before that she did send him one last email at work a couple days after d-day (about 4 weeks ago). So, if there is contact, I will definitely see it in his work email and I will let you know.

All that being said, my instincts are telling me to believe him right now because he seems so different from before. When the affair was going on, we were distant and disconnected. I did feel at that time that he was hiding something, and I had accused him several times of cheating. My instincts were telling me something was wrong and I was right. But, right now my instincts are saying that he is telling me the truth about ending their relationship. I feel like I'm betraying my own instincts. I don't feel that I'm betraying him, but that I'm betraying myself. It's hard to explain, but going against my instincts just makes me very uncomfortable. If he were still seeing her, wouldn't I have the same feeling that I had while the affair was going on? Am I wrong about my own instincts?

I'm also wondering about the exposure part of the plan. I have told my parents, his Mom, our daughters (age 4 1/2 and 8), and a handful of friends. Should I also tell her parents (my WH thinks they already know anyway), people at his work, our friends and neighbors, and his sister? I was thinking about posting the situation on Facebook, but I'm so embarrased about it that I feel this would punish me more than him. I would prefer to have as few people aware of the situation as possible for my own sake. If I shoudl expose further, please let me know who to tell...again, as few as possible for my own sake.

hurtagainbydavid - Let the vets chime in, but I think your list is fine. Consider sending personal messages via FB - I don't know if I'd post it on my wall or anything. Remember your goal is to put pressure on THEM. Rhetorical question: If your WH had an affair, what did you do wrong? Don't get me wrong, all of us own 50% of our marriage problems, but the affair is 100% his problem. What are you embarassed about? I'd be more embarassed if everyone else, except me knew.

PS: I carpet bombed on the OM side - I had no reservations, because I didn't know which email addresses would hit close to home and he's got no ties to me (except for my WW).

Yes, you want to make sure her side knows. Don't put it on your FB wall, send her friends list an email.

Remember, this isn't to punish you! This is to put as many sets of eyes on the two of them as possible. It's tough to pull off evil things when everybody's watching.

It's good to trust your gut instincts, better to verify them. You might be surprised what comes out of your WH's mouth just before or during the polygraph. Don't trust his reassurances right now.

I'm really embarassed that I trusted him after he had already had one affair. Granted the first affair occured almost 10 years ago and it did take me about 8 years to fully trust him again, but I never should have trusted him at all. That's what I feel stupid about. I also think people would say: "She took him back after the first affair and is taking him back again!? What an idiot!"

I think I will go ahead and tell at lease one of her co-workers (my WH's former co-worker) and possibly her parents. I'm basically trying to get the most "bang for my buck" with as little embarassment to me as possible.

Dear friend of JoeScumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends and family should be aware that Joe is having an affair with my wife, Sally Smith. According to the evidence, this affair has been taking place since insert date. I have evidence of this affair and can provide it if confirmation is needed.

Sally and I have been married for XX years and have xx children who have been devastated by this affair.

I would ask that you use your influence with Joe to persuade him to end his affair with my wife. My children and I need all the support we can get as we fight to keep our family together.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW


Change genders where necessary. Sign your first and last name.

Wow, I like this idea. My only reservation is that my WH had an affair with a subordinate at work. The company he works for has a policy against this and I'm concerned that he will get fired. He is no longer in the same department as the OW, but still at the same company. That is my only concern about sending the letter to everyone she knows on Facebook. I don't want his former boss or human resources department to find out about the policy violation because my family needs his income to survive (regardless of whether we get divorced or stay together).

I'm also a little worried that she will retaliate by stalking me or my family as pay back...maybe even accuse him of harassment or something. Does that ever happen?

I'm also concerned that if what my WH is saying is true (that they haven't had any contact for 4 weeks), then this will cause her to contact him and he will start the withdrawal process all over again. Should I be concerned about that?

Typically the AP runs quickly in the opposite direction. Because they're cowards to begin with, and because the act of exposure, when you're not versed in it like we are here at MB, seems a little...extreme to the uninitiated. She'll more than likely be afraid you'll do even worse to her!

hurt, if you're not trying to end an A why bother exposing at all? You know, of course, that the A will continue as long as they work together?

They no longer work together and he says that he hasn't seen her in weeks. He is now in a different department in a totally different building accross town. They have no contact at work. However, he could still get fired if he is found guilty of violating company policies about inappropriate relationships between managers and subordinates. My biggest concern is that he may lose his job, which would affect me and my daughters regardless of whether we stay together.

Okay. So they really don't work together? They work at different locations? There is ZERO chance of them ever coming in contact again?

Not unless they purposely try to see each other or bump into each other around town. They work about 10 miles from each other and she currently lives about 13 miles from us.

Ok, so I just went to see the OW's Mother and she was a total [censored]. She said she basically doesn't care what happened and then she told me off. I doubt she will even say anything to her daughter about what happened. Now I feel worse than ever. What now?

Oh, she'll say something to her. Don't worry about the response, hurt. You accomplished what you set out to accomplish - you exposed OW. Her mother may have shut you out, but she also may have called and jumped all over OW before you were out of the driveway.

I hope you are right. I forgot to mention that my kids were with me and saw the whole thing go down. There wasn't an altercation, just me telling the Mother what happened and the Mother slamming the door in my face. My husband thinks it was upsetting for the kids. They don't seem to care, but now I feel aweful about it.

My WH is also mad because he thinks the OW will try to contact him or get him fired.

I am so sorry, my friend. I wish I could give you a hug.. This is what typically happens when a BS schedules a polygraph. All of a sudden, the truth spills out. But I don't think you have all the truth. The tactic is to spill just enough to get you to call off the polygraph.. DON'T cancel the polygraph test, because there may be more.

Could there be other affairs? I suspect there has been.

She is trash just like her daughter. I am not surprised.