|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Did you put that GPS in his car?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
. I have told him that our marriage will need constant work and that I will never trust him. I told him all the things I will need from him, including going to counseling for the rest of his life, not talking to other women, never being able to go do anything withough accounting for where he was (keeping receipts, pictures, etc.) and he has said that he loves me and is willing to do anything to stay with me. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I think I do believe him. hurt, you wrote this a day before he admitted to having sex with the OW. Do you see how deceitful he can be? All the drama and the honesty act is just an act. I think he is a very practiced liar and I bet there are more affairs you don't know about. It is too easy for him to lie about this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
He doesn't have any female friends. Apparently the other woman took an interest in him and he liked that. He is a little shy, so he doesn't get much attention from other women.
The other woman is 25 (much younger than me!) and is not involved with anyone else. Based on what he has described, she originally pursued him. She told him about her sex life, etc. and he liked the attention. He says he loves me and didn't want to cheat, but couldn't withstand her. She is a horrible person and I've told her so. Do you still believe this characterization given that he has had 2 affairs - that you know of - and is very inappropriately friendly with women when you are not around? I think he acts completely different when you are not around.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
I also contacted one of her co-workers today and told her what happened. My husband is also upset about that. He says that he is trying to be honest with me but the more honest he is the more upset I become, so then he doesn't want to be honest anymore. Now I feel bad.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I also contacted one of her co-workers today and told her what happened. My husband is also upset about that. He says that he is trying to be honest with me but the more honest he is the more upset I become, so then he doesn't want to be honest anymore. Now I feel bad. What did her coworker think of this? What questions are you planning on having the polygrapher ask your H? I think one of them needs to ask if there have been other affairs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
He keeps saying that I'm a horrible Mother for bringing the kids to tell the OW's Mother. I didn't really have a choice though because I am always with the kids. Am I a horrible Mother for bringing them along though?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
He keeps saying that I'm a horrible Mother for bringing the kids to tell the OW's Mother. I didn't really have a choice though because I am always with the kids. Am I a horrible Mother for bringing them along though? He is a horrible father for putting you in that position. Good grief. If hadn't been shagging her daughter, there would be no need. He needs to apologize to the kids and to you for bringing this poison into your family. He needs to man up here. It is not up to you to hide his affair for him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
I also contacted one of her co-workers today and told her what happened. My husband is also upset about that. He says that he is trying to be honest with me but the more honest he is the more upset I become, so then he doesn't want to be honest anymore. Now I feel bad. What did her coworker think of this? What questions are you planning on having the polygrapher ask your H? I think one of them needs to ask if there have been other affairs. The co-worker actually backed up my WH story about the OW pursuing him. The co-worker said that she noticed the OW often flirting with my WH and that my WH always seemed uncomfortable with the attention. The co-worker was very apologetic to me for not doing more to stop the OW and even expressed concern for my WH because she felt that the OW trapped him. This makes me feel a lot better because it means that much of the story my WH has been telling me is true. I feel it was very important that she initiated the affair, not him. Honestly, I can kinda see things from his point of view. He is 37, had a fat bitchy wife at home that rarely wanted to have sex (at least this much I know is true), and then he has this 24 year old slut pursuing his attention and wanting sex. I'm not excusing what happened in any way, I'm just saying that I am beginning to understand how it happened and how it can be avoided in the future. As far as the polygraph, I really just want to know if things are really over with the OW. I don't even want to know what has happened. The visions in my head of what I already know are enough to make me crazy. It's the future that matters most to me now. Also, after the first affair I was not trusting at all for many years. I was always on top of knowing where he was and what he was doing. I kept track of his phone and email. It's just been the last year or two that I began to trust him and got lazy about checking up on what he was doing. If he had more than one affair, he would have had to have had the other(s) right before this one or maybe during this one.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
The co-worker actually backed up my WH story about the OW pursuing him. The co-worker said that she noticed the OW often flirting with my WH and that my WH always seemed uncomfortable with the attention. The co-worker was very apologetic to me for not doing more to stop the OW and even expressed concern for my WH because she felt that the OW trapped him. This makes me feel a lot better because it means that much of the story my WH has been telling me is true. I feel it was very important that she initiated the affair, not him.
Honestly, I can kinda see things from his point of view. He is 37, had a fat bitchy wife at home that rarely wanted to have sex (at least this much I know is true), and then he has this 24 year old slut pursuing his attention and wanting sex. I'm not excusing what happened in any way, I'm just saying that I am beginning to understand how it happened and how it can be avoided in the future. hurt, what the co-worker said means little. At the end of the day, your WH chose to engage in an affair. And it doesn't matter what your appearance was - you didn't drive him to make this decision. Remember those miners who got trapped in Chile? One of the big stories after they were saved was about one of them coming out of the mine and being greeted by his adultery partner instead of his wife. Did you see that on the news? Did you get a look at her? Overweight, bad hair, plain-jane and frumpy. Remember that the difference in physical appearance isn't always what drives an affair. So, NO. I don't see things from his point of view. And another thing: my FWH initially whined to me about how the OW pursued him and wore him down. He initially claimed to be just a little short of St. Husband who is bewitched by the Evil Co-Worker and her Wily Ways. It didn't take long after exposure for him to realize his role in the beginnings of their affair. Oh, yeah. They were equal partners. Now, his co-workers have told me how manipulative and evil OW was, how she must have pursued my poor Pollyanna of a husband. Because they were loyal to my husband, not the OW. It doesn't matter. In the end, they were both adulterers who chose to have an affair.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
Did you put that GPS in his car? I bought the GPS, but didn't install it yet. I think he has been reading this message board and knows about it, so it won't help anyway. He will know it's there and just take the gps out of the car and leave it at work or in the garage. I'll have to come up with another idea and just not talk about it on this message board. He can't know what I'm doing or he'll know how to hide from it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
Here is a plan by another poster here for reference: Opposite Sex Protection Plan
Group A- Serious threats
Includes- OW, OM, any and all past lovers, old girl/boyfriends even if no sex was involved in the relationship, any known strippers prostitues or similar occupations, people we know to be generally flirty or have bad boundaries
Response- NO CONTACT with OM and OW, for the others avoid contact if at all possible and if there must be contact keep it as brief as possible and tell your spouse about it immediately. If you find yourself thinking about dreaming about or fantasizing about someone like this discuss it with your spouse.
Group B-High Threats
Includes- Anyone that is "needy" or desiring help especially if they are having marital problems, anyone that you find physically attractive, anyone who seems to be flirting with you or desiring to be around you more than is necessary, childhood friends of the opposite sex, this also can include anyone in your spouses family that you find attractive, you must be honest both with your spouse and yourself as to who is a threat.
Response- do not help anyone of the opposite sex with marital problems or allow them to help you with yours without your spouse present, do not have friendships with people of the opposite sex. limit contact with these people to nothing more than is needed to be polite, do not discuss life, hobbies, interests or anything else with these people
Group C- Threats
Includes- Anyone that is old enough or still young enough to be sexually active.
Response- do not be alone with them, do not flirt with them or allow them to flirt with you, do not be overly friendly with them and remember that even an unattractive person can become attractive to you if you let them meet EN's. They should not be on your Facebook etc and they should not have your contact info (phone number, email address etc)
Group D- Low Threats
Includes- the elderly and people too young to be considered sexually mature
Response- Can be alone with them if they need assistance but try and have someone else present if possible to avoid accustations of abuse or molestation
Group E- No Threat
Includes- dead people and people that are known to be gay or blood relatives
Response- pretty much anything goes, they are safe But it's important that your WH understand what emotional needs he was letting OW meet and how to prevent that into the future and write out his own plan. Has he read any of the MB materials?? He has read some of the information on this website and we did the emotional needs questionaire together. Neither of us were meeting the other's emotional needs at all. He has also written a plan. It is several pages long. i've read it and it sounds really good to me if he can follow through. At this point I don't think he even trusts himself.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
So I exposed the affair to the OW's Mom yesterday, yet my WH insists that he has not heard from the OW yesterday or today. I would think the first thing she would do is call him and cry about what I did to her.
What normally happens when the OW is exposed to her family? Does she normally contact the WH to complain or discontinue contact?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 355
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 355 |
I exposed to the OW family and my husband was furious. I did not know they were togther when I did it. I never answered the phone. The OW family responded like they supported their relationship. Affair still going on...
Me BW 43 / WH 44
2 DS 7 and 4
D day 8-2010
Asked him to leave 9-10
Exposed 11-10
FR 1-2011
Back with OW / In Plan B 2-11
False Recovery Back in Plan B 7-12
Divorced
Better Life in Progress!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
I exposed to the OW family and my husband was furious. I did not know they were togther when I did it. I never answered the phone. The OW family responded like they supported their relationship. Affair still going on... I had the same experience with the OW Mom. She didn't say she supported the affair, but basically that she didn't care. She went on to tell me that I'm a bad person for exposing and telling my daughters about the affair. It was horrible. My husband was furious at first too, saying he felt betrayed that I didn't tell him my plan and that I was acting crazy. He said it made him love me less and made him worry about what I'm going to do next. We talked it through though and now he is saying he is glad that I exposed if it makes me feel better and keeps the OW from contacting him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,719
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,719 |
Mason and Hurtagain - FWIW - my WW had/has the same reaction. She's still in the anger mood, betrayal and that I'm 'off my rocker'. She's worried what I might do next too...yada, yada...
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
I have exposed the affair to the OW's Mom and a co-worker. My husband says he hasn't heard from the OW since the exposure, but I think that's a lie. I'm thinking of exposing further, but I'm worried that I would no longer have something to hold over her head if she continues to contact my WH. Instead, I'm thinking about contacting the OW and saying that if I find out she's been in contact with my WH, I will inform her Father, Brother, and all her Facebook friends about the affair. Has anyone tried something like this with success? Or is it better to just expose and hope it works?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,719
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,719 |
hurtagain - I exposed across the board, especially on the OM side. I didn't know which email addresses would hit home, so his side got about 50 separate emails. According to the vets, it's less effective if you trickle it out. A story can be concocted to make you look crazy, possessive, etc.
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928 |
Never THREATEN to expose...JUST DO IT!!
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197 |
hurtagain - I exposed across the board, especially on the OM side. I didn't know which email addresses would hit home, so his side got about 50 separate emails. According to the vets, it's less effective if you trickle it out. A story can be concocted to make you look crazy, possessive, etc. I provided proof with the letter that I gave the OW Mom. The proof was a birthday card that the OW gave my WH and she wrote on the card how much she adores him and that she "loves him with all her heart and soul." Do you think she could still make me look crazy and possessive if I can provide that with each letter? Could the affair still be denied with that kind of proof?
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
492
guests, and
106
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,038
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
