Hi Everyone,

I am the person who has broken our relationship, I am the one who had an affair.

My husband and I have been married for only 11 months, though together for 6 years in total, and I had an affair with two colleagues from work. Both were at the same time, and lasted around a month. My Husband found out on Saturday by reading messags on my phone.

On Saturday we had the obligitary arguments, he shouted at me more than he ever had before, and I begged and pleaded for him not to leave me, and since then he has been staying with friends.

He has agreed to speak to me (face to face) every day so far, and with every day things start to look a lot more sense. We have looked at what was wrong with our relationship and how things will need to change if we are to try and work this out, and although obviously there has been a huge amount of discussion about trust and fidelity, we have also talked about alot of the smaller things that will also need to change.

Both separately have been reading on the internet to find advice and guidance on where to go from here, as well as a realistic look at what we can expect if we decide to work on things. We have agreed to go to couples counselling, and I am also going to seek referral for my own counselling to look at some of my own issues that caused this.

My husband found this website, and has posted a thread here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2477130#Post2477130 and he pointed me here and I have come hoping that together with your help and advice we can work through what we need to do.

I don't feel comfortable going into the reasons that the affair happened as I feel like i'm making excuses where I know there are none, but I know that you are going to need to know to be able to offer advice, so here is the story from my side.

I have found that when I am low, I seek attention. I don't think that this is uncommon, but for myself this last few months I have saught attention from other men, and this is where the problem lies.

My husband and I have had a difficult time of late, and although we had discussed it and were working on resolving the issues, I found it difficult to get what I needed and found it more difficult to communicate that to my husband, which I think fundamentally is where my issues lie.

So I sought attention from other men, and these have been men at work. I only flirted at first, and while they were flirting back it felt good, then suggestions were made and things started to go too far. Flirts became more sexual, and eventually physical without me knowing how to stop them. Most of the articles and threads I have read on the internet have been people having affairs either because they have fallen in love with another person, or because the sex life had become stale in there marriage. Neither of these are the case in our scenario, and it was more a case of needing attention and only knowing of one way to get that.

Throughout our relationship (5 years prior then 11 months of marriage) I have never done anything like this before. There have been people who I have flirted with, but I have never felt the need or desire to take it further, or make it regular (and I think that's where the line is drawn - an occasional flirt is ok, but constant flirting with the same person is not).

I have hurt my husband more than I ever thought possible, and I have managed to break my own heart. I feel sick every time I think about what I have done, and I do not know how to deal with what I'm feeling, because although I hurt more than I ever thought I could or would, I feel as though I am not allowed to or don't deserve to, because I caused all of this. I feel like any pain I have is belittling to my husbands feelings, and so I don't know how to explain to him what's going on.

Of the things that he and I have discussed I need to do, there are 2 that I am trying to constantly but do not know how to. One is to prove that I love him, and the other is to prove that I will never do this again. And although both of these are the case, proving them is proving difficult.

So what am I doing to make it right? well firstly I have booked an appointment with a couples counsellor, and I am when the doctors open going to try to get an appointment to sort out my own personal issues (primarily depression and low self esteem) hopefully in the form of counselling too, but I will see what the doctors suggests.

I have also started to change the smaller things. The more my husband and I talked the more it became apparent that there are many more things I have done to prevent our marriage becoming a healthy one, things like not pulling my weight around the house, not allowingequal say in major decisions etc, and I am working on those.

As for the affair and the situation now, I have ensured both people know what is going on at home, and that I am fighting to save my marriage. I have taken some time off work, though as much because I am uncapable of working right now anyway than anything else. I have applied for new jobs, and have spoken about leaving before I find something else, but my husband and I have agreed that this would make things difficult financially and would not be a good idea.

When I return to work, I am hoping to agree with my line manager the possibility of working from home for short periods. Fortunately due to the work I do, the other men are not in the office that often, so I can hopefully tie my work at home days to days when they are in, and with any luck a new job will come up soon.

In the mean time, your advice on any ways that my husband and I can move forward are greatly appreciated.

Hi MrsBHunt, welcome to Marriage Builders. You might want to cut that post back to about 3 paragraphs. People don't have the time to read through a novel. No one needs that much information.

The only thing I see that is wrong in your relationship is that you are not committed to this marriage and have very, very poor boundaries around men. I will tell you why you had the affair and save you the money for counseling: you have poor boundaries.


None of this will make it right. What will make it right is to make just compensation to your husband. Start by affair proofing your marriage by establishing appropriate boundaries around men and living a completely transparent life. End all opposite sex friendships and delete your facebook page. If you conducted your affairs on the internet, I would stay off the computer unless your H is with you. Exchange cell phones with him.

The next step would be to send a no contact letter to your adultery partners that is written by you and sent by your H. Additionally, if your adultery partners were married, your H should contact their wives so they can protect themselves and their children from you.

Frankly, if this were my son - and he is 28 yrs old - I would be using my powers of persuasion to influence him to leave you. Two affairs in 11 months of marriage reflects some serious problems.

As far as your reputation at work, you do realize your reputation is ruined there, right? Do you know what other employees say about you?

MrsBH,

Welcome to Marriage builders. There is soooo much to tell you. But, the first thing you MUST do is ensure that you have no contact with those men.

Next, let me recommend that you read the articles on this site. I have an order in mind and I will tell you way. Dr. Harley has an article on the four rules for a good marriage. Find those and read them. If/when you and your H have put those rules in place your marriage will become much better. Sounds simple right? Well...it is and it isn't.

Next read his articles on NEEDS, you both need to understand your own needs and each others.

After that read the articles on love busters, this will show you how to interact in a more positive way by avoiding the negative interactions.

finally read about Harley's two polices: The policy of radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement, POJA. ONce you two have implemented those policies you will find that your communications will greatly improve. They are not easy but they are essential.

I will tell you that your H meeting or NOT meeting your needs is not why you had the affair. YOu had the affair because you wanted to, and because you have few if any coping tools at your disposal. There are much healthier and productive ways to handle issues in a marriage than by seeking out other men and having affairs. I suspect you actually know that.

You will find that this site and Dr. Harley are big on plans. You need to set goals, then develop plans to meet them, and this includes checkpoints, milestones, and assessment points. As you read the articles I believe you will begin to see how to construct those plans and the folks here will gladly help you.

It will take awhile for your H to heal from what you have done. It will take awhile for YOU to heal from this as well. Please use time and patience on this process. Have patience with your H and patience with yourself and give this time. Recovery of a mariage is a process, it is not magic. Expect for it to take roughly two years to fully heal your marriage, if not longer. That does not mean that you or your H will feel as you do right now, you both will be on an emotional rollercoaster for at least 6 months if not more. Expect it, and deal with it.

You two can heal your marriage and make it better, but it takes work, time, patience and kindness toward one another.

Others will post more.

God Bless,

JL

I work with all men. Many of them are my friends and collegues and have been for years. Do you have any idea what these guys say about you behind your back?

I do.

Wanna know?

Thanks JL,

my H has sent me a link to a few articles he has found helpful, and i will read the ones that you have suggested too.

I wish there was a way to read some books and pass a test to save my marriage, but I know that there will be so much more work involved than that. But when it comes down to it, and I think about the last 6 years I believe that it is worth it.

It's good to hear mention of timescales too, it is one of the things H and I have talked about, trying to work out what we can expect, and I (and I think he too) have mentioned a year of emotional hell, and from what you have said that sounds realistic, which is great to know.

Thanks again

I know that's the case, and I have come to terms with that. I have also explained the situation to female friends and family both of whom pretty much say the same. In fact in my experience it is women who are most judgemental.

I think I have come to terms with the fact that I am going to be judged for the rest of my life, but my hope lies in the fact that the people who know me best know that this is not who I am, atleast not in entirity. And honestly there is only one opinion that matters to me and that is my Hs, and I think that although he doesn't understand and hates that part of me, he knows that there is so much more to me than that, and that I hate that part of me too and with help and work and determination I can change it.

Those are nice words, but talk is cheap unless and until it is backed up by action. I hope you do back up your talk and stop behaving so promiscuously. Only time will tell.

I agree your H's opinion counts, but if you expect to have a career, the "opinion" of your peers and the management team counts very much. Promiscuous women don't get promoted. Nor are they respected in the workplace. If you want to make it in this world you had better care about your reputation at work or you will never be more than a laughing stock.


Men are very judgmental about promiscuous women and you are very naive if you don't know this. A few years back there was a young woman at our company who supposedly gave a driver a blow job in his car in the parking lot. I don't know what really happened, but I suspect something DID happen and she became a laughing stock at work. What was noticable is that she behaved very unprofessionally around men [a flirt] and everyone talked about it.

The men were laughing behind her back and told the rest of the women not to "use the bathroom after her" because she probably had cooties.

The men characterized her as an STD ho behind her back and made terrible jokes at her expense. I hope you understand this is how you are viewed at work. These men you shagged have absolutely no respect for you and I ASSURE you they say very unflattering things behind your back.

p.s. have you been tested for STDs? What about pregnancy? Did you use protection? Is there any possibility you are pregnant by one of these losers?

As a BS, I would offer that you quit your job tomorrow effective immediately. Every time you go to work, your husband will probably be wondering if you're going to slip and he just doesn't need that right now. Too, every time you see one of those men it'll be a trigger in your mind and reset your clock.

Sure, finances will be rough until you find another job but this, I think, is your husband's reality and you need to protect him now. Talk it over with him.

Oh, and good job on coming here and posting. You'll get a lot of help and there are a lot of good people here.

Hello MrsBH,

I noted where you mentioned that you were seeking attention and admiration from the OM and that you did not love them.

Mrs.Flint was attracted to my ex-brother for the same reason...empty compliments, comisserating about no one understanding them and occasional sexual contacts to keep each other interested...

It had nothing to do with me and I don't think it has to do with your H either, does it?

It was unmet EN's, nonexistent boundaries with men and not knowing how to have the EN's met in the M was the reason, wasn't it?

If you get a chance read my thread at the bottom signature line and see if any of what Mrs.Flint was doing sounds familiar.

We saved our M with the help here and so can you.

God bless.

Jim

As far as ways to back up what I say goes, as you say only time will tell, but I know in my own mind that whether H decides he can trust me again and rebuild our relationship, or not, I was to sort out my problems and I want to be a better person. I wish there was something I could do now to prove my intentions, and anything I think of I am doing, but I think I just need to spend the rest of my life proving it.

As for work, I'm currently quite highly thought of, and in the 3 years I have been with the company have progressed immensely. I think it is unlikely that the men are talking behind my back, at the moment, thought they may when I leave. That doesn't really matter to me though, as my husband and I had talked of other career plans for me anyway (thats irrelevant for here so i'll leave it out).

As for the STD's, I have been check before, and only had sex with one of the men, and only once, and with protection so I believe that I would not have an STD, though as I am going to the docs this week anyway I might mention it and see what they think. And I know that I am not pregnant due to the time that has passed since the affaire.

Jim, thank you so much for your comments, you're right this is all about my own boudaries and EN, and not to do with H. I'm really glad to hear that you managed to sort things out and it gives me hope that we can too.

I'm heading over to your thread now!

Be assured that managers don't promote promiscuous women. They can't be trusted and are not respected. If you are "highly thought of" by anyone there it is only because they don't know - YET - how unprofessional you really are. It just doesn't get any more unprofessional than that. [unless you work for a strip club or massage parlor] Since loose women are not respected they obviously can't manage others. Most companies fire workplace adulterers because they are so unprofessional and can't be trusted. They are loose cannons in the workplace and companies strive to rid their ranks of this type.

I am sure you want to believe the men are not talking about you and I can understand that wishful thinking. But think about that for a minute. Why would they not? Because they respect you? You already know they don't respect you or they wouldn't have had sex with you. The fact that they had sex with you was the greatest insult and a demonstration of disrespect. They as much as spit in your face.


Have you been checked since you did your coworker? Because if you havent' you would be putting your H at risk of getting an STD.

Are either of your adultery partners married?

The reason I think they are not talking about me is that I think neither want to be associated with this. Both I think are ashamed of what has happened, both for different reasons I think, but I don't think either think of this as something worth bragging about, but as I said, I am leaving the company anyway and am sure that it will not affect my next job in the same was it has not affected any job I have done before - and if it does I will work in a lower paid job until my own plans come together. Work prospects aren't really something I am worried about at the moment.




No i haven't. As I mentioned, the one time I had sex it was with a condom, and other contact was not something that would result in STD. Though as I am going to the doctors this week anyway I will mention it to a professional and see if they think there is any chance I could have contracted anything.

Neither are married or in other relationships.

You're 24 years old. It's probably not that uncommon for someone your age.
You've been with your husband since you were 18 years old.
Grown up, mature women have a greater capacity for self affirmation, and need less outside/other affirmation.

Your basic "problem" is immaturity. IMO.
This is not a disparaging remark about you personally, but a general observation about your stage in life.

You need to grow up.
Literally.
In the meanwhile.... something to think about.

What attributes do you want to be known for as a grown, mature woman? (when you get there)

Think about it.

MrsBH,
You mentioned that you are seeking couples counseling and individual counseling. Before you decide on who please take the time to read the article here on Choosing a counselor. Most marriage counselors have no idea how to address and help correct the issues you and your BH are faced with. I would also suggest that if you counsel with anybody in the next few days it be one of the Harleys. I have counseled with Jennifer Chalmers and she really knows what she's doing.

As a FWW let me pare down your thoughts for you. These are the only things you need to focus on right now:

YOU are 100% responsible for your A's...not your shaky M, not your self-esteem issues, not your tendency to "seek out male attention." We all have hangups. YOU made the choice, and that is where the buck stops.

From this moment forward, you cannot have contact with these OM....ever. That means you aren't just taking time off from work. You are finding a new job.

Your DH is in the trauma unit of the marital hospital. Dissecting all your marital issues and "what has to change if this is going to work" is not appropriate for trauma; that's physical therapy. Your job is to help him heal and help him feel safe in the M. Period.

I hear a lot of pop-psychology and justifying and "I'm not really all that bad" in your posts. I advise reading Surviving An Affair. It will help remove the scales from your eyes.

Oh, and I don't care if you used a condom or if it's embarrassing to tell your doctor. Get tested.

I'll let the ladies wield the sticks here.

Now, I don't know if you have read any of the articles here, so I am going to start giving you homework.

The FIRST thing you need to do, is stop interacting with other men, PERIOD. No long conversations at work, no breaks or lunches together, NO TIME ALONE WITH ANY MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND (or your own father/brother/son).

Pep is right, you are very immature, and you are walking around with your head in your cooter - thinking that men flirting with a married woman is anything other than calling her a wh*re is deficient thinking. All they are saying is; I know that you are married, but I think that you are easy, and I can get you to sleep with me anyway - besides, if I can get sex from you and NOT have to pay your bills or take care of you? BONUS!


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024b_qa.html


Right now, this is YOU. It will do you no harm to adopt this.

I would also advise your BH to look into having a post-nup drawn up, and have you put your money where your mouth is.

My Dear Girl ...

I have 2 kids. (24 & 21)
MrsH, I must pull rank on you .... just a little.


Love is proven with day to day actions.
But mostly, Love (with a capital L) is in the day to day attitude behind the actions.
There is a difference.
Love is tightly bound to empathy and respect.
What good is an "I love you" without respect?
Love without empathy eventually ends up sounding like:
"I love you, but .... *enter excuse to hurt him*."

So, I recommend you think about your attitude.
Think about empathy.
And, finally, think about respect.
More on respect in a moment.




No one knows that.
Not even you.
It's like alcohol recovery, yanno?
Proof is daily actions & attitude.
One Day At A Time.



Actually, it's not difficult to prove at all.
It requires complete and joyful transparency on your part.
Be happily transparent.

What you are really talking about is it is difficult for the man you willingly hurt to be comfortable with you.

Time & patience.
No magic words other than the following:

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this right."

The "as long as it takes" is where you trip up, I think.
It means exactly what it means.
You do not get to decide the "as long as" part.

So, relax about this one.
Don't sweat it.
Just do what you know you need to do, and keep doing it.
Forget about measuring his trust of you.
That is not your job.

You don't like seeing your husband so hurt.
It really bothers you.
Too bad.
This is exactly where the "as long as it takes" becomes action, not well-intended bullchit words.

OK?


I am a now retired RNP, who for 30 years saw young women such as yourself come in with "low self esteem".
I call bullchit on this one.

Self esteem is an earned state of mind.
It is not pharmaceutically achievable.
No one can hand self esteem over to you.
Remember how you said you went outside your marriage looking for attention? Affirmation?

Same thing here.
Self esteem is an inside job.

Once you become a woman you admire without the approval from others, you *magically* have self esteem because you have been doing things that earn YOUR admiration.

Remember when I said "more on respect"?
Well, here it is.

Forget the psychobabble term "self esteem".
Rely instead on the term "self respect".

I think you will get more traction that way.

Hoping you take all of this in the motherly way it is intended.
If not, no dessert for YOU, young lady!

HHH !!!



I did not say "very".
I think her immaturity is partly age related, completely out of her control.
And, immaturity partly related to her being with one man since age 18.
There was no time on her own without a man.
A developing woman needs time to rely on herself in order to mature, IMO.


I disagree.
I do not see this as an "over active cooter" issue.

What has not been mentioned, and I suspect is very important here, is the problem of curiosity.

As in:
"I wonder what it would be like to be with another man other than the man I've been with since age 18."

A completely age appropriate, albeit immature, way of looking at things.

The cooter comment was good for a chuckle, but I don't think it's actually relevant.
What do I know?
I was a 24 year old woman once.
A bazillion years ago.