[quote=Tanam]
As an adoption social worker we always counsel adopters to tell the child they are not birth children but special.

/quote]

Wow.

IMHO...

This is exactly why we have a society of children growing into teenhood to adulthood having the attitude that they are above all else & can do no wrong.

This society, with everybody having the "freedom" to bring children into this world under all SORTS of circumstances (with most of these circumstances NOT being ideal for the children), has become inundated with the adults trying to overcompensate for their bad choices. And you have just hit upon a pet-peeve of mine when you advocate telling children they are more "special" than other children...of different circumstance, or whatever.

I am in NO WAY saying we should not tell all of our children that they are "special" (i.e. "because you are individually unique; because you are loved..." etc.). But something just rubs me wrong when adults plant these seeds into children, born of "different circumstance", giving them more of a sense of superiority over anyone else. I think it sets them up for developing bad character when the adults in their life use this to overcompensate for the way they were brought into the world.

And being an adoption social worker? I think you'd all do better BY THOSE CHILDREN (OC's, adoptive children & COM) to counsel the adoptive parents to just integrate these children into their families as they would their newborn from the hospital, to love them, to, above all else, be open & truthful to all of their questions when they come and not treat their "history" as if it were a secret.

Can you imagine how it would effect the other children in the family when they watch the adults fall all over themselves overcompensating for ONE child with "questionable origins"? Or has this society just devalued marriage & the COM so much that, now, they don't matter to anyone outside of the marriage? Does your organization even CONSIDER this scenario?!!!

I JUST WISH THIS SOCIETY WOULD STOP BRINGING THESE CHILDREN INTO THE WORLD, THEN EXPECTING EVERYONE TO JOIN THEM IN OVERCOMPENSATING BECAUSE OF THEIR BAD CHOICES, THEN BREADING MORE ILL-CHARACTERED INDIVIDUALS WHO REPEAT THE CYCLE.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Amen and amen 4eva!!!!!

Amen 4eva!

OC in our case is already the above at a very young age. Every visitation we have to work on manners and normal societal behavior because he does not get that at home. He is treated like the other kids and we tell him he has to consider his siblings (our COM) when he is in our home. We are starting to get the "in my mom's house I don't have to ...fill in the blank). Frankly it is exhausting at times but how else is this child going to fit into society if someone doesn't correct him?

And how exactly should we go about explaining to a 2yr old that she is the product of an affair?

Maybe we should take her on down to Jail and introduce them, yea she will really understand why where taking her to see some strange man behind a sheet of glass.

Oh, I know.. Me, OC, and FWW can all go down there on visiting day, wont that be fun. No, that wont negatively affect her at all.

There is no easy answer here.
But "Mommy screwed around on Daddy and that's how I got here" may just be a story she does not want to know.

This is not an adoption. My wife and I did not decide this together, I was betrayed.

And this is where your professional opinion as a counselor for adoptions is leading you astray in giving advice to folks on here with an OC. Especially a BH.

What is more important, telling an OC her genetic origins, or providing her with a stable two parent home?

If you chose stable two parent home, then our marital issues are paramount to the OC

To protect the FAMILY, that includes the OC.

So, let me get this strait.

You are suggesting that if I am not going to explain to OC from the get go that she is the product of an affair....

We should consider putting her up for adoption?

I am dumbfounded.

When she can grasp the concept that it takes two adults to have a child, she will be ready to understand that you are her dad but not her bio dad.

Why make things complicated. It's called age appropriate.

"At the time you (OC) were born Mom had a baby with someone other then daddy."

And that's not complicated?

It seems to me that before DNA tests there was rarely a reason to tell an OC about biology, mainly because there was no way to prove it one way or another. And children didn't necessarily suffer because of it. They only suffered if the marriage or family bond suffered.

Nowadays since a test can prove one way or another, an OM can pursue that child at the 18 and spill the truth about an affair and prove biology with a test...which seems like a conditional reason for biology to matter.

Out of fear for my OC hearing about the affair and bio-dad 18 years from now, I think it's best to tell. But quite frankly, if there were no DNA tests to prove anything, would it really be wrong to just not pursue the "truth"? I'm not sure anymore.

So very TRUE!

If any child (DNA aside) is raised in a loving & happy home, with 2 married parents, chances are good they will have a good life.

Writer.
My dear.
Wait until she is 18 or until she asks the question.
My own 2 adopted children knew of their adoption much earlier than 18, but that is because we got the oldest when he was 3 years old and he experienced us bringing home a 9 month old sister awhile later (with no pregnancy on my part).
I don't care what other posters think.
A young child gains no benefit from this knowledge.
Should they be told eventually?
Yes, I think so.
YOU and your HUSBAND are the parents.
You decide, as a team, when the timing is right.
When it is done correctly, it will be a demonstration of love, and courage and determination on your parts to make a happy home for her.

Should she ask: "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
You say: "It served no purpose to tell you earlier."

Ignore posters who advise you against POJA with your H for major decisions. This is a marriage building site, first and foremost.

Hugs & kisses

Thanks Pep.

Really, my H and I very rarely discuss the issue anymore. We don't really discuss the A(s) or the fact that we have an OC. It doesn't feel like she's an OC. That's not the daily reality around here. My H absolutely adores this little girl. His feelings for her are obvious and genuine. And she loves him too. She gets so excited when he comes home from work. She stands at the sliding door that leads out to our balcony and watches him walk across the driveway, yelling "Daddy!" and jumping up and down. Then she races to the top of the stairs and waits for him to come through the front door. It's really very cute.

I'm sure we'll tell her someday, but right now, it isn't an immediate problem. She's only 2 1/2, so we're just enjoying her and this time when she's little. We never expected to have another little one in the house after all these years, and I must say, we're both enjoying the experience immensely. She truly is a blessing.

Woo hoo and well said to Pep! I love ya!

Well, this poster thinks you are dead right, and I don't care that you don't care what I think.

That's what I think.

If children are to come first, then the marriage and the family must come first.

The truth is that sometimes children's REAL parents are not biologically related to them. I've always called this adoption, even when it might not be legally implemented as an adoption. Whether adoption or not, it doesn't make the REAL parents of the children any the less REAL.

Telling the truth about who the REAL parents are is not a lie. It's anything but.

In my opinion, children figure out who their "real" parents are pretty quickly. They are the people who love them and take care of them. They are the people who feed them, play with them, take them to the doctor when they are sick, rock them to sleep at night when they have a bad dream.

My daughter knows who her "real" dad is. He's the man who has lived with her and taken care of her and provided for all of her needs since the day she was born. He's the man who loves her and would do anything in the world for her.

He is NOT the sperm donor who lives on the other side of the country and has never even seen her before.

Yay for Pep!!!!

Thanks everyone.
It helps to "circle the wagons" when this particular forum is being challenged by non-MB "so-called-help".

And that's all I have left to say about that!!

Fled