Yep. You've got a unique opportunity here, Chris. I would given a lot to have been able to see the things my H deleted after exposure.

Chris no kidding take Maritals advice.

First things first... am I replying to this right? Someone referenced not starting new threads so just wanted to make sure.

I appreciate everyone's response on this, and respect that much of the advice is based on tested principles and personal experience, including heartbreak.

My point is that I value the advice and will follow it, although the execution may vary somewhat based on my instincts. Not to the extent that I will allow myself to be deceived, but maybe in timing or details that better apply to my situation.

In this case I do not think it is time to go home and give an ultimatum about cutting off contact. That would be ideal, but I have to take personalities into account and recognize that will only push my wife further away. She has not cheated or lied, although I recognize that is not impossible.

The point is that I do have access to all of the historical messages and any new ones that are sent. But i get everyone's point about waiting on the keylogger... not having it ahead of time could cost valuable time. I will do it tonight.

If she grants me access to her messages or her passwords I realize I am not out of the woods. At that point I would still have to address the fact that the communication is not okay with me.

But that is different than catching her sending sexual emails / texts or her refusing to show the messages to me. Her phone account is in my name and I just checked call logs and there are none to dude's phone. So I have no evidence or suspicion that anything more sinister has occurred.

Given that, my strategy would be address this with some level of diplomacy in the hope she will be more receptive. I just feel like some people here would rather me go home and declare war at all costs.

Sorry if that comes across as ungrateful, it is not meant that way. I appreciate the feedback to all my responses.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that, Chris. First of all, you've made it clear that you really haven't found a smoking gun, yet. So we're not going to tell you to go home and slash and burn the place.

We've said you should talk honestly to her about this and how it bothers you.

We've told you to invest in a keylogger because your gut is flagging you. Remember what I've learned from hard experience: a fool ignores their gut.

Have you read any articles on this site? I would suggest you do so, starting here.

This sounds similiar to my FWH and OW. Their emails were always non incriminating. Just small talk. She would even send him emails to forward to me. Usually recipes or something.

This was their cover.

I then discovered the "secret" e-mail account (1yr later and a PA by then).

This is why you need the keylogger.

Chris, waiting to confront her about this is likely to cause the most damage because her feelings for the XBF are growing and evolving with every passing day. The longer you wait, the harder it will be for her to give it up.

A complacent, timid approach comes across as not caring. Nor do women respect complacent men. Our love for our H is very contingent upon the respect we feel.

I would strongly suggest you slap a keylogger on her computer and once you have finished that, then man up and have a talk with her. Tell her this won't do and ask her to stop all contact with this BF and any other BF. It is disrespectful to you and it presents a high risk for an affair. Tell her to knock it off.

My wife also forwarded the "legit" emails, but hid the juicy ones. She claimed he was just a friend. Well, as we all know in a place like this, she was not telling the truth. After suspicions arose, the OM had my W switch to Yahoo IM, rather than communicate by email. A keylogger would have captured all of this information. I was not smart enough to install one.

Install a keylogger just in case...The second you inform her of your concerns, she WILL go underground with any further communication if it continues. It literally only took 60 days from my W's first texting with the OM to being naked in a hotel room with him. It happens really, really fast. And she will claim that she had no idea how it progressed from innocent communication to a skanky PA.

I had some knowledge something was wrong before it became a PA, but I too had hoped it would "pass." God, was I an idiot.

If you were to sit bak and let this play out, IMHO there is about an 85% chance this will become a PA within a few months...



You have been forewarned.....

I totally agree you do not have the time to mess around. Mine was less than sixty days from hi to I love you. After that it was harder to kill.

Not only is he building a balance in her LB right now, its chipping away at yours.

OM wrote at first in February, ILU sometime in April, planned trip halfway across the globe in May PA in August. Started fighting back when I found out in September.

I am begging you - don't go down my road. Fight back now like your marriage depends on it.

It has been a month, but I guess an update is in order given all the caring advice I received in Feb.

I installed the keylogger and confirmed that no messages were being sent outside of Facebook, for which I have the password. Nothing on email, and I have checked the cell phone bill for calls / texts and there have been none. Nevertheless, the keylogger is still on in case the pswd changes at some point.

End of February I confronted her about finding the facebook messages when she left her account open. I did this in a firm but not abrasive way... didn't flip out or anything, just asked the question and let her talk. One note: I did not let on that I had read all of the messages, just the one or two that were up. I wanted to give her a chance to lie, which I know is awful, but I figured it would speak volumes. Surprisingly she was very open about the messages, why they started, and their frequency.

Her honesty took me off guard and quite frankly it just didn't feel right to push the issue at that point. I mentioned that if she wanted to keep in touch casually that was okay, but that the frequency concerned me in terms of the message it may be sending him as a single guy with her being married. I also emphasized that radical honesty was the best policy... no threats, just that I would appreciate the respect of being in the loop with the communication.

Of course I continued to check the messages on facebook and while they did continue they were much more spaced out and remained totally "surface" with no feelings, etc. Of course I checked the phone and email records as well since then as well as the keylogger for evidence of other communication avenues. Nothing anywhere.

My wife went out with girlfriends Saturday night for dinner, wine, and some painting mixer thing (don't ask). She was tagged on facebook in a picture, and the Sunday he sends her facebook message asking which location of the restaurant they were at, did they have fun, etc.

She responds same day with the location and that they had fun, to which he responds (again Sunday) that that is the location near his house and had he known he would have stopped by to say hey. Again Sunday she replies that he should have stopped by next time they were there she would send him a message.

Whoa. Now, she has mentioned that she would be okay with me seeing an ex for lunch to catch up, but this is different. Essentially they have an agreement in place that she will let him know next time she is out without me, and I can't imagine her telling me about that beforehand. If she told me at all i'm sure it would be "I bumped into..." rather that "I texted and asked him to come", not to mention the fact that the understanding exists and she hasn't told me despite my expressed desire for honesty in this regard.

No problems to speak of in the marriage. Sex life is fine, duties around the house fine, very little arguing, child-rearing cooperative, and an actual increase of non-sexual intimacy between us over the last 3 months.

So, thoughts? Time to confront? How? I would be happy to follow links if this is covered elsewhere. As always my fear / problem is how to keep the conversation objective. I am hurt, she is stubborn, and I would prefer this not turn into WWIII, but that may not be avoidable. I can do it if I need to.

As you can see for yourself, playing cat and mouse games with your marriage only leads to trouble. I am confused about why you condoned her continued contact with this guy when we showed you why it was a recipe for disaster? You can see that everything we told you is now coming true and they are planning a meeting.

What are you going to do about it?

I'm going to have to go back and re-read your thread, but this jumped out at me.

Why is she going out without you? Can you see how dangerous this is?

Melody...I guess I condoned it b/c I was startled by her honesty about the specifics of the communication to that date. Also, I could just be dumb. At any rate I did monitor all potential avenues of communication which brought me to where I am now.

Marital... her going out was a scheduled "ladies" event with 3 other married women with a set agenda: They had dinner than went to a private event where they all painted together. Nothing open-ended, and maybe it was dangerous but if so that is more scary than anything else. The night was harmless, her actions maybe not... but i can't be with her all the time, or am I being dumb again?

Uh-huh. The night was harmless. Gotcha. So where do you find yourself now? Trying to figure out how to keep OM from showing up at the next harmless girls' night out.

Well I am not a vet, just a guy who went through this last year without the benefit of knowing about it. My wife started getting emails from an EX, and off we went from there until they ended up in a PA. But in your situation, your single OM has tried to escalate with your wife and she was receptive at least to meeting with him.

No problems in your marriage YET. Wait until she starts down the road. Wait until she starts to build feelings for him out of what used to be feelings for you. Then you will have a real monster on your hands that you can't kill easily. The fog everyone talks about is just starting to build for you. Wait until its so thick it seems like she's speaking another language whenever you try to talk to her.

I can't think of a link to another thread because usually by the time a BH gets here, he's further down the line than you. You are damn lucky friend. Question is what you are going to do with that. Most of us didn't have the opportunity you do.

If I was you, I would take whatever advice Mel gives you. Set a boundary for your wife and abide by it. Call her out on agreeing to meet with him. Its nuts to let this go.

I would be tempted to tell you to FB message this guy yourself, and tell him to F off. He's obviously a dirt bag and needs to be dealt with as such. I only wish I got the opportunity you have. I only wish...

Good luck.

Chris~

I am a FWW. My affair was with an old high school/college boyfriend. He contacted me through classmates.com -- I was honest with my husband, Mr. W, about the contact from the word go. I called Mr. W the very day I received the email from the OM. Many of our telephone conversations were held with Mr. W in the room -- and yet I had an affair that almost cost us our marriage and family.

Being honest about DANGEROUS and BAD BEHAVIOR does NOT change it into "SAFE and GOOD BEHAVIOR"...

If I tell you that I am going to shoot you in the head does that make it okay or make you less dead when I do it? I was HONEST!

This contact between your wife and OM must be STOPPED immediately.

Mrs. W

Thanks Reynolds. I do appreciate the opportunity, just looking for specific advice on how to confront, and also any tips on how to control my emotions during the event and stay objective.

Marital... obviously the night wasn't harmless or I wouldn't be here, but was the agenda to blame? Obviously I won't feel the same way next time, but I can't follow her everywhere.

I would tell her that her contact with OM is NOT acceptable to you and must stop now. I would also contact OM and tell him to BACK OFF your wife immediately...

Mrs. W

Chris,

How old are you? I ask for a reason.

This doesn�t need to be a major fight. A simple statement of fact should do the trick.

The problem here is that your wife is playing with fire and doesn�t think she can get burned. That makes her dangerous. Meeting up with an old flame is very dangerous. Where there was once a fire embers remain.

Simply sit her down and tell her very honestly, �I�m not comfortable with your contact with ExBf. It�s not you that I don�t trust, it�s him. I also think it�s a bit dangerous to get in touch with old flames when you�re married. I�m letting you know how I feel. Too many stories in the news lately of people talking to old flames on FB. Could you please cutoff all contact with him?�

Try that approach and see what happens.

I had big fights with my ex W over this issue. She thought it was harmless. I didn�t. She hooked up with guys when I deployed. All of them were �friends� on Myspace at the time.

Just letting you know.

Kill this before it gets out of hand.

I am 32, she is 30... and thanks for the response Help.

You pretty much nailed it, I would like (if possible) to avoid a big fight... I don't want to avoid the issue, but a big fight will just cloud it with anger and such, helping no one. I will use your suggestions.

This is probably way back in the thread, but this OM was there for my wife (before we met) during a extraordinarily difficult and traumatic time for her. It was non-romantic (after they were long broken up) and occurred when others she was much closer to really bailed out on her.

That is why I am treading carefully. I absolutely get that the contact with an ex is inappropriate & threatens any marriage, but b/c of the specific circumstances I have to convey my message firmly but with caring.

What I know is this: I don't need to judge this OM in any way, good or bad, to tell you that he is gauging her responses and acting accordingly. I'm pretty sure I know what he thinks about their communication, even if she is too naive to see or admit it.