Here is the link to my first post, sorry that I do not know how to do it any other way:

http://tinyurl.com/6ejhcpr

It has been 18+ months since D-day and probably 14 months since I told the OW's H. There has been no contact, I am sure!!!!

So today out of the blue comes a letter from her H to my H saying how he has tried to move on and wishes he had just kicked my H a@@ when he found out and though the OW is just as guilty and responsible he blames my H. Sadly I read the first few letters between my H and OW and she was really the aggressor, but when her H found out she threw my H under the bus and made him out to be some player. I told him that the only time my H had ever been away from me at night was with his W.

So my question is does my H write and apologize, but how far does he go? Yes my H wrote a no contact letter. We just never expected this and do not want to handle it wrong. Anyone else had a similar experience.

We agreed to NO CONTACT and trust me there were many times I wanted to write the OW a letter like this, but didn't because we all agreed to the NO CONTACT.

I go from being ANGRY, to feeling sorry for him!

Help!
HU

Wow, that is a really tough one. I am leaning towards sending a heartfelt apology along with his promise that he will never contact the OW again.

I am not surprised that the OWH views your H as a predator, though. The BH's usually WANT to believe their wives were the victim of some evil, oppressive predator. And the WW will play along with it.

The OW's H sent this to your H as a way of venting his pain. It would serve no purpose to begin a back & forth between them.

I would suggest that your H ignore this letter and accept it for what it is: not a call-out, but a healing measure for the BH.

Oh crap........ the two people I respect most on this site give me different answers....sorry, but you two made me LOL

HU

I agree

LOL! Maybe another poster will be on in a minute with a tie-breaker!

HU, I could go either way on this thing. Truly there is no right answer on this one. It is a crapshoot because you just don't know what the OWH needs to get past this.

H is torn, part of him would like to write an apology, but wonder if it will stop there. I am wondering how he got H e-mail.

I am not happy about this. No contact means just that!!!

HU

Thanks ML, MB and Gack....I do appreciate the fast response.

HU

That was my first thought. Sometimes betrayed spouse will pick the scab, over and over. I know I did for awhile. This BH may have sent his letter in that state.

I think you and your WH need to stay away from his OW and her husband.

In my sitch the OWH sent threatening emails and left voice mails for quite some time. He seemed to be getting something from sending those little reminders to us. I couldn't imagine how this was helping him, until I read about 'secondary gain' from one of Dr. Harley's newsletters. Then I understood.

I had to threaten him with a lawsuit to make him stop.

I say send the letter. But reiterate again that your FWH does not intend to EVER C the OW again, that he is contacting the BH and NOT the OW.

And HU ~ make sure you proofread that letter and that it would mean something to YOU if the tables were turned.

And if another one comes, ignore it. I would state in the letter that this is the LAST form of contact that will ever be responded to.

But...that's what the NC letter was supposed to accomplish.

As far as a NC letter goes, that is supposed to be between the AP and the FWS.

I say if a BS contacts the AP and the AP feels compelled to truly apologize, then that is a good thing.

Humility is always appreciated, IMHO. The OWH may not ACCEPT that apology but the gesture is what is important. IMHO that is.

No contact is applicable to the OP's, not the BS's, though. It is OK for a FWS to contact a BS for this purpose or for BS's to contact each other.

Then when OW's H and I promised NC between our families means nothing.

This is really throwing me into a horrible trigger. OW wrote H and I got the letter (back at D-Day), she thanked him for keeping the promise to always protect her and show his love this way. I hate this. I wish OW's H had left us alone.

I again feel as if OW is more important than I am.

HU

HU

If it were me, I would not respond. I think it is the BH's way of venting.

And you know you're wrong, HU. This contact has thrown you back. DO NOT RESPOND. We tried the same thing and it just encouraged OWH. We ended up having to talk to an attorney. I had to threaten OWH with a lawsuit. He stopped.

This one is a toughie.

I would say have your H write the letter. It's good for him, no matter what. He should only stick to a short apology, and say nothing of his plans to never respond to the BH again.

You read it, and if you decide to send it, YOU be the one to spell out that this one a one-time thing, and that your H will not respond to any further communications from the BH. Say it tactfully, as you would want to be told if it was you.

Reiterate that you will let the BH know immediately if either WS/FWS makes any attempt to C, and that you wish him well.

You want to make sure that door is closed (between your FWH and BH), while still keeping the BH enough on your team to be mutually watchful for C.

Then do everything in your power to protect your FWH from even knowing if the BH attempted to C him again, if he does.

And if you listen to MB, that's fine, too.

You and OWs H promised NC between the two of you? Did I miss this in your original post?

Why are you feeling as if OW is more important than you?

This does need to be POJA'ed...if you are going to be resentful, don't do it. I was under the impression you were ok with it.