What is the point of the talk exactly? What is your plan?

lostman,

You need a solid plan and have gotten a good head start, but there are things you need to do immediately to put an end to this affair.

You need to do what is called nuclear exposure and the only real way to do that is to expose the affair without warning.

This is the very first step, above any others, that you must accomplish and it needs to be done regardless of whether or not you want to save your marriage.

The very first call needs to be to OM's wife. Then her parents and family. Finally, (I've always felt this one was up to the BS) expose to your own family.

But you can't have any progress until you do these things.

If you want to save your marriage, then we're giving you steps to take to get that process going.

Finally, if you need to get every kid up at 2AM and go over there, then you need to get every kid up at 2AM and go over there.

Become the affair's greatest nightmare.

You may doubt my words because all BS's do. But exposure is the number on thing everyone will tell you to do until you actually do it.

Nothing kills affairs faster than bringing them out into the open.

The other thing you need to do is to make it clear to your WW that if she chooses the path of divorce it will not be either friendly, easy, or nice. Make it clear that you will not lie down and give her everything she wants and that you will make divorce a living hell for her if she chooses that road.

The alternative is to rebuild your marriage, which requires no contact for life with OM.

She will try to convince you that she just needs some time apart to think and that it might be best for you to separate.

Don't believe any of it. I say this as a man who has lived it.

The way to get your marriage back is through action.

i gave her an ultimatum last night before she left and that i would not go pulic until after i talked to her today. I feel i must keep my word. somebody has to be honest. I will send a text either way after our little chat. Right now i really dont expect it to go well. i am going to try my best.

i gave her an ultimatum last night before she left and that i would not go pulic until after i talked to her today. I feel i must keep my word. somebody has to be honest. I will send a text either way after our little chat. Right now i really dont expect it to go well. i am going to try my best.

The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise. That was a terrible promise and you shouldn't keep terrible promises. You are making strategic mistakes that are going to hurt your marriage.

There is nothing to talk to her about except to DEMAND that she end her affair. But that has nothing to do with your exposure. She should NOT be forewarned of your exposure. You should just do it and let her find out later.

Don't ever threaten exposure, that is blackmail. You should DO IT. Without forewarning.

I sense you are more filled with fear than outrage at this situation you find yourself in.

Read this thread from a few months ago:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457098

You, like the most recent 4 or 5 BH's joining us here, have absorbed the (female-dominated) societal teachings that anger, resentment, rage, and desire-for-revenge are somehow...un-evolved(?).... emotions, unwelcome in today's genteel world.

Rage is not always negative - correctly harnessed and directed, it can supply fuel to drive the victim through difficult times.

I'd urge you to never again, as you did last night, wallow in regretful musings on the past. Focus on the violations of your marriage, and the damage to your young children, that LMRH is actively causing TODAY, and TOMORROW. When folks here tell you that stopping further damage requires stern, seemingly cruel actions, you should believe them.

You came here asking for help. With all due respect, you are not knowledgable enough in the universality of the "Infidelity/Recovery Two-Step" to reject their advice.

And as for "driving her into his arms", pal, she's already there! Your marriage's only hope is that you can drag her, kicking and screaming, back where she belongs.

well this is how it is right now. She came home and decided to choose family over him. Right now she is extremely upset. I was on the phone while she called him and ended it. There is a lot of problems between the family and her now as it is so i am not telling her family. I think that i am going to contact 1 or 2 of her close friends and talk with them privately. I know that goes against everything you have told me, but right now in our situation i think it is best. It is more her than him i believe at this point. He told her in the past that if she must break it off, he would understand and that he would respect those wishes. Like i said earlier, i know him as well and as much as i dont like him, this is where its at. Her cell phone may be given back to her and i am working going to see if i can view calls with the land line on line monday. Right now it is over between them and she is crushed and really angry, but she is choosing the family now.
I may be back here again, but she needs some healing time right now and then counseling perhaps. thoughts?

Don't you dare let your guard down!!!

Trust but verify!

How do you know the meet up last night (gack), was not a planning session to take it underground?

She is going to be in the fog for awhile.

What else is she doing besides saying she's choosing family?

You need to pick up the phone and give his wife a call. Your wife will tell you what you want to hear right now to get you off her back. But until this affair comes out in the open, they will just go further underground.

I am not following the point of talking to her friends "privately." Talk about what and why exactly?

WW's lie.

WW's hide the affair to continue it, claming that it is over.

WW made a phone call in front of you telling OM it is over between them.

Did you you that WW as countless other WW told the OM last night that she will call OM on the phone to put on a show to convince BH that the affair is over.

WW lie tha the OMW knows, doesn't care, their getting divorced, so that her BH, you, won't tell the OWH.

A well practiced script by wicked spouses , blast this affair out of the water and send the message to everyone who has influence on the OM . Your WW should by now have changed her number, closed her mail accounts and be in full NC. If this is true then she should not hear the exposure you will have done on the OM's side, if she does say something then she has not kept NC.

Please listen this is a known tactic and the only fools are the BS who do not listen to good advice.

I get lost in all the acronyms lol. She has 2 good friends that i would trust to keep an eye on her completely. those would be the ones i would talk to. maybe it is a lie. I have to try this route first. I do believe her, she done nothing but cry all day and he was not with her last night. I got her worked up enough to tell me anything i didnt want to know. i still will blow it up if there is a hint. i need to watch the home phones and dont know how to get that accomplished yet

I don't believe this for a minute. Why not call his wife and verify his whereabouts?

they have already filed for a divorce and he is out. She was sobbing when she got off the phone and she is not a cryer. I will talk more tomorrow.

And just how do you know what she's crying about? She's crying because she got busted and you're taking her crack(OM) away. That's what she's crying about.

Call the OM wife and expose this thing properly.

Listen, get some spyware and install it on her phone, the computer, email whatever she thinks is private. Then give her back her phone.

I will read the rest of your thread but want to give you this heads up first.

My thoughts exactly

Oh, NG, for pity's sake. What gender do you think I am? Do you think MelodyLane is male? And we're telling him to come out, guns a'blazing!

Lost, don't threaten your WW with exposure - don't even discuss the possibility with her! You'll just drive her underground and make her more careful in conducting her A!

It's fine if she says she's going to end the A. But I suspect it's not going to be that easy.

Get her a new phone. Set it up for spying - I think Constant has already explained this.

Put a tracker on her car. Hide a VAR (voice-activated recorder) inside it, where she won't see it.

Call that man's wife! Don't listen to your WW about divorce - the chance is good that his wife doesn't have a clue about that. If they have separated, they may have done it because of the A. His WW needs to know what her husband is doing, regardless. If they truly are divorcing (doubtful) they are still married until the ink is dry on the decree. Let her know what her hound-dog husband is up to.

And DO NOT tell your WW any of this!

Please don't listen to her. Cmon lostM, think about the kids, and look at the number of posts and years spent here by the vets like Mel.

Don't try to educate her either, don't reveal this site, not yet, you have just begun friend.

She isn't gonna listen to you, can't you see that in her little fogged up head, you are the Devil?

Get everything documented, and put it away in a drawer, just like you do with a handgun hoping to never have to use it to protect your home.

Go to profile on this site and give us a signature stating details. Try this thread also.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2473328&page=1

It will help you understand a lot, and the best weapon you have to help your marriage is between your ears.

Take a breath, you are in good hands here, we all care for your marraige.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=71&page=1

Here is the new forum discussing tools for investigating.

Its a fight, get the weapons. Like one president said, "Walk softly, but carry a big stick"

Get the books, read the articles, and tell me you don't want a marriage like the ones described.

Read up on how you might have to break this to the kids in the future, so thier little hearts are not tormented with fear that someone can just stop loving them. You can imagine the depth of that, feeling it yourself now. Love is an action verb, a decision made in the sight of the world and before a God who died for it. Do you think anything in a childs heart can give them some kind of understanding that will allow others to behave like your wife is? It tears them apart.