hurt, you should expose to them anyway. Don't threaten, because that will just neutralize your weapon when she pre-empts you with spin. And you think your "proof" will overcome that, but it won't. If they think you are a lunatic, they won't even look at your evidence.

Ok, thanks. The only problem is that I don't know if the affair is still going on. My WH is insisting that the OW wants nothing to do with him and that he hasn't heard from her in 4 weeks. I have been keeping an eye on him and checking up on him and he is always where he is supposed to be.

Also, when I exposed to the OW's Mom she said the OW now has a boyfriend.

Should I wait to fully expose until I know that the affair or contact is still going on? It just seems so extreme if they really haven't seen or contacted each other. Also, exposure of that magnitude would really put a strain on my already unsteady relationship with my H. He already thinks I'm crazy for exposing to the OW Mom and co-worker.

hurt, I am giving that advice under the belief that there has not been contact. The purpose of telling them is not to stop a current affair, but to shine the light on her destructive behavior and hopefully stop a repeat affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold her and yor H accountable. If her whole family knows, they can step in if he tries to contact her again and let you know.


No, it won't strain your relationship at all. It is a good thing for your marriage. The more people who know, the better. If your H objects, it is only because he is still fogged out. The fog will go away.

Ok, thank you. I have thought about your advice all night, but honestly I just don't think I'm strong enough to handle any more exposing. The exposure stuff is REALLY stressful for me. I hate talking about the affair with strangers.

I'm just hoping that I've done enough exposing to stop any future contact. I've told the kids, my co-workers, my parents, his Mom (actually he told his Mom), the OW Mom, and the OW co-worker. My WH also wants to tell his Dad and Sister (if he doesn't follow through on that, I will definitely tell his Dad and Sister myself). Do you think that will be enough exposure? I really want to be done with the exposing part of the plan.

I'm also wondering if it's normal for my WH to WANT to tell his family about the affair? He says he wants his family to know so they can help him stay faithful in the future, but I haven't read anything on this website to indicate that this is a normal feeling for him to have.

Trying to get up the nerve to send messages to her facebook friends. She has over 200. How do I decide which ones to send the emails to? I have to be careful, because if my husband's employer finds out about what happened, he could get fired. I was thinking about sending only to the people I know are her family mambers, but ther are only 4 that I can identify. Do you think this would be sufficient?

Target the family members plus as many of those that appear to be married in relationships, if you have the patience try blanket at least 60 of them. Sounds like over kill but good news spreads far, time she shared her story to all. Leave one minute between each message and plug away , it takes time , ignore any negative comments you may get back . Do you have a decent exposure note, words like adulterous affair , purposefully and intentionally inserting herself into our marriage, warn your spouses that she will prey on their marriage etc. are good emotional type words that will cause the reader to take notice.

ok, but I don't know which ones work at my husband's company and I can't risk his human resources department finding out and firing him. My kids need that income regardless of whether we are married or not. I'm so scared. I know I need to want to do everything I can to avoid future contact, but I can't risk his income. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Is there anything else I can do?

Other than exposure there is nothing else, you fear and uncertainty is what is holding you back. Unless HR is advices and can evidence that they have used company assets and time to conduct the affair nothing much will be done. You WH may be embarrassed by co- workers knowing . You have to decide on who you expose as said before try target those who appear to be married. This may be reduce the total to say 15 or 20 , the final call is yours. Four is to few .

How confident are you that the affair is over?

All the OW can do is get angry , you are telling the truth. If you are uncertain of what to say post some words or ask and words can be provided. Alas not from me I am on a smartphone at the moment.

He was her boss and the company has a policy against this. He's not her boss anymore, but Ithink he could still get fired for violating policy.

I'm 99% sure the affair is over, but I'm not sure about contact and I'm concerned about future contact.

The letter I drafted to send the brother is as follows. I would use a variation of the letter if I send it in mass:

Dear ,

You are receiving this email because you are ow's brother. I believe all of her family should be aware that ow had an affair with my husband, WH. According to the evidence, this affair began in March of 2010 and I found out about it on January 15, 2011. wh has admitted to the affair. In addition, I have evidence that ow purposefully and intentionally inserted herself into our marriage and can provide the proof if confirmation is needed.

wh and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 children who have been devastated by this affair. WH and I are fighting to keep our marriage together at this time.

I have already notified OW's Mother about the affair and she didn't seem to care. I would appreciate it if you would also notify OW's Father about the affair. He needs to be aware of the kind of daughter he raised. I think it would also be helpful for him to know how his wife feels about adulterous relationships.



Thank you,


ME

crap! I only got 8 messages out on facebook before I was blocked. Now what?

Just wait until you are unblocked. You have to space the letters out 90 seconds apart or they shut you down for flooding for awhile!

Oh no! I'm sure she will block from seeing her friends list by then! Plus, my WH will be home soon and I can't send messages while he is here.

At least I was able to get the message to her brother, which was the only one I really cared about getting it.

Did you copy and paste her friends list into a WORD doc? I would do that now just in case you need it.

The WH is mad again that I sent messages to 8 of OW facebook friends (including her brother). he keeps saying that i'm making matters worse by doing that because they have ended contact and this just keeps bringing things back up over and over. If they are really done with contact, is this just making matters worse?

I really don't think they have been in contact because I told my WH that I was thinking about sending a mass email to all of OW facebook friends and she never blocked me from seeing her friends. If they were in contact, he would have warned her and she would have blocked me.

Making things worse for WHOM? I don't see how it is making things worse for you? It is not making things worse for him, or for your marriage. So WHAT or WHOM is it making things worse?

The H and I talked all night about this! I'm exhausted. Here is what he said:

The main reason he feels that emailing the OW's Facebook friends is wrong is because he read Dr. Harley's Steps to Surviving an Affair plan (Step 1 - End the Affair, Step 2 - Create Transparency, Step 3 - Meet Each Other's Emotional Needs) and he feels that I misunderstood the exposure part of Step 1. First, friends of the OW are not on the list of people that need to be informed. It says that the OW family and spouse should be informed, which they have been (she doesn't have a spouse, but her parents and brother now know). Friends of OW are not listed in the plan. In addition, according to Step 1 of the plan, exposure is only needed if the affair is still going on, but the affair is over and done, so further exposure is no longer necessary.

Also, he says we have been finished with Step 1 for 4 weeks and should move on to Steps 2 and 3. He feels like we are going backwards by focusing on Step 1 when it is already done.

He also told me that the affair essentially had a "natural death" in December when he moved jobs and rarely saw the OW. Once they didn't work together anymore, they grew apart and she basically ended things. She had said she just wanted to be friends and she started dating another guy. This all happened before I even knew about the affair. In addition, the OW said to him (after I found out about the affair and told her off) that she thinks he's an a-hole and that she never wants to hear from him again. But, he thinks if I continue to mess with her enough she will try to pursue him again out of spite or revenge.

Also, he's embarrased because he doesn't want her to think he still wants her. He says he doesn't want her to think that she means anything to him anymore. He doesn't want her to have the satisfaction. HE wants her to know that he is happy without her and that we are so in love that we can't be touched by her.

He's also upset because the exposure is making him triger thoughts about the affair and go back into withdrawal. He says he wants to focus on me and our relationship, but constantly exposing everything takes us right back to the beginning and makes him worry about her and miss her.

He also doesn't like that it's making us fight, which causes us to take love out of the "love bank."

Finally, he's upset that he is supposed to be O&H, while I keep doing things behind his back without discussing it with him first. He says it's hypocritical.