HU, whatever you decide to do, I would keep in mind that this man is not your enemy. He is the victim of your husband and that is why he is contacting him. He did a horrendous, despicable thing to this man and I would remember to show empathy and compassion for his plight. Your H deserves every bit of contempt the OWH serves up and I would not give into the temptation to protect him from that.

OK, Let me explain some things I left off of my first thread and am unsure if I ever shared. I was worried about sharing too many details in case they (OW & OW's H) found this site as well. My D-Day was in July 09, but I did not look for any help online or anywhere else the first month or so after. FBH was able to get a message to her through his friend (they each had a friend that was their emergency contact). We live 1,000 miles apart. This is when I found out how cheaters are liars. I asked him if he had contacted her and he said no. The first of many lies over the next few weeks.

I contacted the OW pretending to be my H. She told him (me)she was furious that I had found out and that he was canceling the trip he had planned for late August. She then thanked him for having his friend leave her a voice mail telling her that I had found out and that he would contact her as soon as he could. She also thanked him for protecting her the way he had promised and knew that he was having to make the biggest sacrifice by staying with me so her family would never find out and she loved him even more for doing this. I was glad that I had pretended to be him or I would have never found this out.

I then switched gears and contacted her being myself. We e-mailed back and forth for about 2 weeks. I was able to ask her and FWH the same questions and see if their answers matched, very few did. She never really apologized for the A only that she was sorry I found out and that our children knew and that she loved my husband and always had. She did not want her H or daughters finding out. Her biggest fear. After we quit communicating I joined an online site (not MB).

I found a lot of help there only because I did not feel so alone and had a place to vent. It was there that I realized that I should have told her H, he had a right to know. So around the end of November I contacted him. I was able to share many of the e-mails she sent to me confessing the A. He was actually grateful at first, then mad that I had hurt him with the information, said he wished he never knew because their marriage was in best place it had been in years and I ruined it. At this point OW made him believe that FWH did this all the time and she was just another of his victims. I gave him everything he asked for to try and help him even sharing the site I belong to. He then asked me to share the NC letter FBH had written and he hated it because he felt it was all about me and said nothing about him. At this point he asked me one favor and that was that none of us ever contacted each other again. I was glad to do that. Trust me there have been many times I have wanted to write OW to tell her how I feel because when we e-mailed the first time I was in shock and not really saying much about my pain or asking her to write a NC letter etc.

Then the unthinkable happened. They BOTH joined the site I was on. It was so weird that I even was able to figure out who they were, but then I started reading what they wrote and she was lying so bad, making my husband to be some serial cheater. Her H was saying horrible things about what he was going to do to my H if he ever saw him. They also lied to their daughters telling them some story about Mom getting in touch with her old BF and writing him, but he turned out to be a freak and she stopped e-mailing him. To make a long story short I left the site, found MB and never went back to the other site.

I hope this helps to answer some questions asked. Like the one about why I feel FWH stayed with me. I know in my heart that it is not true, but the words she said keep playing with my mind. Also why this letter comes as a complete surprise after he asked that we never contact each other again.

FWH wrote a rough draft last night and we decided to sleep on it and talk about it more today. I am very torn between ignoring it or having my FWH write a short apology. My only fear is that he had to have done something to find out my FWH e-mail as even the OW never had it. I do not want to open a door that we cannot close.

Again thank you all for giving me your opinions, they mean so much to me and I take them all to heart when thinking about what to do. I love this site and the members on it!

Melody, my H agrees with you that he did a horrible thing, not only to me, his family, but to the OW's H and has never not taken the blame for his actions. Trust me I am not trying to protect my FWH, he did this and he is at fault 100% for having this A and he knows it. I am trying to protect myself and my family as this man scares me.

HU

HU --

This is your opportunity to have FWH write the type of no contact letter that he should have written in the first place. (not the "i'll protect you forever version"...)

In this letter, he can apologize for the pain he inflicted on OWH, as well as reiterate that he is with you by choice. And that he is not interested in any further contact ever in his lifetime.

This might be a good answer, IF you are in full agreement with it, HU.

I find it odd the the OWs H wanted NC with you yet he is the one who contacted you...

This doesn't really surprise me. He probably needs MB...

Unresolved anger and resentment can definitely lead to an eternal "I wish I'd confronted that SOB!" mindset.

For example, I almost relished OM breaking NC with an e-mail, so I got to call him and have the conversation I SHOULD have had 3 months ago...

Anyway, I do appreciate all the help & advise you have given me in trying to deal with this (allthough I am still not sure if you should have told me). But what's done is done.Maybe now it's time for me and OW to try and work this out.No Contact for all!
HU

I want to add that when I contacted OW's H I did it with as much sympathy as I could. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, knowing I was going to change this man's world forever. I prayed and cried about it for days, then all I could think of was if the tables were turned, would I want to know and the answer was YES!

I gave him websites to visit, books to read and at the end promised him that neither FWH or I would ever contact them again. That we were concentrating on rebuilding our marriage and I wished the same for he and OW.

I feel like we were making huge progress and this letter (though in a way I understand it) has thrown me off and I am sad/angry that he has now caused this. I said before, many times I wanted to write her and tell her the pain her actions with my FWH has caused my children, who are now in therapy (while her children stay in the dark).

We chose to be honest with all our kids, because my H felt the need to apologize to each of them and we also wanted to teach them how a married couple works through a problem.

Funny, but one of the e-mails I got from OW she stated that her H was a selfish man who only thought of himself most of the time and one of the reasons she went looking for a new H. She had saved enough money and was moving 1,000 miles to be near my H, giving up her children to her H.

HU

Your WH should send the OWH a letter of apology.
State that NC is a must.

Include an offer that if that after this much time an the OWH has not healed your WH should offer to apologize with you on the speaker phone with the OWH offering to answer any questions he may have, take some venting like a man, then say that everything is out in the open that there needs to be NC.

Your WH has not done anything to atone for the damage he has done to this BH.

Time for your WH to be a man, before he hides behind a NC letter.

HU, I sense that what you are more angry about is that YOU didn't get to do this to the OW because YOU were following the agreement and now you feel like it is a little unfair. Is there any truth in that?

Also, as far as how the OWH found your FWH's email, it CAN be easy to do. We even tell people how to do it on the other forum. I think your FWH needs to change the email addy and then he can use one that is combined with you and NOT in your legal names. That way, this shouldn't happen again.

I can't advise which choice you should make as I don't know what I would do in this sitch.

OMG....Did you not read what I wrote? My H has not hidden behind a NC letter, he did man up. Pick on the OW who HAS DONE FRIGGEN NOTHING!!!!

HU

HU, I feel for ya. Since the letter is to your FWH from the FBH, let your FWH handle this. Sure, you can be supportive, but I think this is more your FWH's problem (consequence) to deal with.

If your FWH decides to respond, of course he'll need to be transparent with you about what he decides to do.

Maybe FBH was venting, as opposed to reaching out, and never expected a response. Maybe he just needed to get it off his chest. Maybe his FWW is driving him nuts. Who knows?

Personally, if it were my DH, I would be voting for no response. Why kick that hornet's nest after all this time? Any kind of contact sets your recovery clock back to zero.

I do think that was a fine NC letter. It didn't leave any doors open, or any unresolved issues between FWH and OW.

The issue between your FWH and the BH is entirely separate. With such a wide range of responses, you will have many different viewpoints to consider as you make the decision.

Hey Scotty, missed your post last night. I think like any BS, you have moments when you want to tell the OP off or ask them why, but I am also true to my word and when I make a promise to someone I keep it. I won't make a promise I know I can't keep. This NC agreement was my promise and my FWH's to never contact either of them again, to me it is an easy promise to keep. I want nothing to do with either of them.

I do however think it is unfair that he has opened my wound up again when it was slowly closing. It was getting to the point where I went days without thinking about the A and now here I am up at 3:30 after a nightmare. I don't want to go through all this again.

HU

So what your friggen saying is:

WH apologized to the BH?

WH offered to answer details about affair to the BH?

Has told the details to the BH?

Outside of a NC letter and to stop banging the BH's WW what has your WH done to repair the damage to the BH?

As to your anger with the OW is another story. Just the way this BH anger with your WH is.

So what you are saying is that because the OW won't do anything to help you recover your WH does not have to do anything to help this BH?

"OMG....Did you not read what I wrote? My H has not hidden behind a NC letter, he did man up. Pick on the OW who HAS DONE FRIGGEN NOTHING!!!!"

Why is it the FRIGGEN OTHER WOMAN, who shall now be refered to as the FOW.

Oh, as I was asking why is it the FOW's responsibilty to clean up your WH's damage to the BH?

Yes the Frig.... er FOW needs to clean up what she did to her BH. And she is probabily not doing it because that is the way of lazy people. Just like your lazy WH refusing to do his part.

Because someone does not do whats right is the universal excuse for the next person to not do whats right according to your logic.

Why the anger at the OWH?

Did he bang your WH too?

Miss placed anger as far as the OWH goes. Even is it turns out the OWH in this case is the bunny boiler here.

Your WH put the (his) bunny in the (OW) pot.

You complain that the OWH wants WH to clean up the kitchen.

This is another reason why after an afair to help NC people need to move thousands of miles away from each other. Along with unlisted no.'s and new emails with names hard to identify who one is.

I think her anger is at the wound being ripped open again and indirectly that is coming out as anger at the BH.

She is probably also angry that the POSOW is still playing the victim card, that her WH was a "predator" and she was practically blameless in all of this (OW are notoriously manipulative and this is their MO, HalfUnit ~ it's not unusual at all). There seems to be no justice in this and HU is "shooting the messenger" of that info.

This is really an expected response. I can understand her anger.

Thanks MarriedForever, you actually hit pretty close to the mark. It was OWH who asked that we never contact each other again. I am angry that because OW has not stepped up to the plate and been honest with him, that now my recovery has taken a huge hit.

I wish now I had not had my H delete all the e-mails from the OW it tells a very interesting story and one I wish I could share. Sadly even if my H talked to OWH, it will not change OW behavior or that she is on dating sites and is probably still on the prowl for a new husband and why she was so aggressive in the A.

Before I am attacked for saying that, no I am not taking any of the blame off my FWH, I just know that he will not be OW's last A, of that I am certain.

I want to thank all of you who have been so kind to me whether you were on the side of FWH writing back or not. It has helped so much to get your opinions. It has also helped to have a place to vent regarding my pain. I will update you all as soon as FWH & I decide what we are going to do.

HU

From The Road, WOW is all I can say! Thanks also for making me LOL.

HU

IMO POSOW's BH deserves to know this info. Did you disclose this to him? This is not something that you should have kept quiet about.

If you still know the info (her screennames, which sites she was on, etc) I would say this poor BH needs this in order to protect himself. Regardless of what you and your H decide to do about your FWH apologizing, OWH needs this info.

And I would have it come from YOU, not your WH. Write a separate letter if you decide your H is going to write one as well.