What about the wife of the OM? When you contacted her family did you ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair?

Expose it to everyone TODAY, lostman. Don't do a trickle exposure or you will just do enough to piss her off and not enough to kill the affair. A trickle exposure is like bringing a pea shooter to gun fight. You just tick off your opponent enough to embolden him to come after you harder.

Don't do this halfway.

Lostman, we call it "nuclear exposure" around here for a reason: the widespread fallout works a whole lot better than "surgical strikes."

When I exposed, I even contacted OM's landlady! I sent letters to his company's personnel director (with a copy to a corporate VP and corporate counsel). There wasn't going to be a stone left under which either one of them could hide.

It's the best way. Listen to ML.

i talked to the other wife, she new it all. Couldn;t bring herself to call me. She had already confronted both of them and told them to stop. they are getting divorced because of his cheating past.

they are getting divorced because of his cheating past.

Have this printed onto a poster and hang it in your living room for your wife to be reminded every time she walks past. Hell, if your exposure was suitably widespread, you might as well paint it on your front door, both sides!

If she's too stupid to understand the subtlety, explain it more clearly -

Someone who will cheat with you, will cheat on you!

lostman,

Let OW know that you'll be happy to testify as a witness against her OM.

What State do you live in? Look into Alienation of Affection Laws and if that isn't available to you, then sue him for the willful infliction of emotional distress.

Become a massive thorn in his side and DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS OR BACK DOWN FROM YOUR WW.

She may not like it and will throw tantrums, but will later respect you for standing up for your marriage.

If she doesn't, then you can look back with pride that you weren't a weak a$$ person during this process.

Trust me when I tell you that my greatest regret looking back was that I was a weak a$$ person in this whole process.

The men here who succeed are the ones that tick off their WW'es and fight for their marriages through a combination of exposure, tough love, and massive cajones.

That means that if she ever talks about "friendly" divorce you make it 100% clear to her that you will not be friends with her in any way if you divorce and that you will make the divorce as difficult and painful a process as you can.

I had a chaplain tell me to take that path if I did go down the divorce route, but I was apalled he would say such a thing and felt he was wrong.

He couldn't have been more right, especially when kids are involved.

You see, when a WW starts getting nasty she starts to hurl false accusations and gets very underhanded.

Just check out a few threads on here if you don't believe me (start with Sack).

Let her know that the alternative (working on your marriage) is a much better option.

Big update here, The other man called me today and apologized. Said he new what he needed to do and called her and ended it in a harsh get the point across way. Lots of prayers coming in from the family and even the other mans wife.
I have a friend here right now that has been on my side of an affair that is talking with her.
Going public with this info was good. I knew you all knew what you were talking about, just in denial. I hope this the start of recovery. Have another one of her friends bringing the family dinner and to talk with her.

im trying to grow a pair lol.

This is great news, lostman (not about growing a pair, but that helps, too. LOL!).

But don't get lazy or comfortable. This is just the first blow. You need to understand your WW is still foggy, and the affair may not necessarily be dead -- they may just try to take it underground.

So keep up the snooping, and watch your WW like a hawk.

Don't be surprised if in her "withdrawal" she starts to talk crazy talk about you, your future, and a whole host of things. It's all part of the process. Be strong, be a rock.

And keep posting here and let the vets continue to help and support you.

You're not going to fall for this manipulation, right? She is trying to keep you in a defensive position. So fine. She caught you. Let her know that you intend to do whatever it takes to save your M. DON'T LET HER BULLY YOU.

ok, where in all this have you exposed to the OM's wife?

i did talk to his wife. She was very sorry and new all about it a few weeks ago. She is a nice girl and started balling when i called her. She has my family in her prayers. She couldnt bring herself to call me and they are getting a divorce.
I will watch her like a hawk for the rest of my life as long as we end this the right way.
I texted the other man again tonight and asked him if he would keep his position on telling her to F OFF. Witch is what he told her and to never contact him again. He said he would. I think i believe him. He doesnt really want her just wanted a piece of **edit**. If he wanted anything to do with her he would be fighting for her and not contacting me on his own.

She was in total disbelief when he called her today and she is now begining to realize that he didnt really care for her.

Im not getting comfy thats for sure. She is still not remorseful, but i think and pray that will come. She is still in another world, But the people that have been over today are bringing a lot of things to her attention and i think they will break her down.

HOW did you get ahold of the OM's wife and how do you know it was her you spoke to? This all sounds way too pat for me.

And the OM will not keep his word. He is a scumbag who has no honor.

I have known them both for several years. I get what your saying, but its a start. don't take me as a complete idiot.

LM, I never ever thought you were an idiot, I assure you! But I cannot tell you how many times a cheating spouse has had a "friend" call a BS and pretend to be the wife or husband and act like they know all about the affair. There is no end to the deviousness and creativity of some waywards.

I am reassured that you do know it really was the OM and his wife.

So if I am reading the right, everyone is redeemable except the OM. The OMW is gonna divorce him, and you have friends coming over to help restore your wife to a place of honor and self-respect.

So thats a great victory towards exposure is it not?

I strongly suggest both of you counsel with Dr H as soon as possible, and read all the books. You still have a lot of work to do, and when the resentment comes for you, it will be hard.

Submit to this advice lostman, I tell you it is the best investment you will ever make.


Don't forget ASAP put some snooping tools around.

I bet a few things are going on here:

Exposure to OM's W really set her off. They may not be as close to divorce as you imagine. She went off on him and when push comes to shove he really doesn't want a D, so he called to discard your WW.

Expect your WW to be nasty for the next few days. She's going to say she hates you for exposure and will rant about how much she loved OM and how you are just trying to ruin her life and reputation and don't want her to be happy.

Expect things along those lines.

It's all pretty normal.

You hold strong and keep saying that you will do what you need to save your M. Never apologize for exposing. If she says that you are ruining her rep, remind her that it is her actions that did that, you simply brought them out of the shadows.

You're doing fine. Be vigilant, however, which I'm sure you are. But don't believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.

This is where you should put a VAR in her car to listen in as she drives and talks on the cell. You'll learn of any secret phones that way.

Also, don't be surprised if this was all a show to get you to back off. It may not be, but we've seen that here as well.

Good advice HTLD

helpthelostdads you seem to be spot on. she has been talking to the right people today and went from pissed to sobbing to laughing with them then went straight pissy torwards me after they left for telling her family. I did tell her that she needed to be accountable for her actions and they needed to know. Her cell phone has become an addiction and she did buy one and yes she did call him on it today. that was before he ended it on his side. I took the new one away and said we will get new ones together tomorrow or no phone. that pissed her off and started bashing me for what im doing. told her she has no place to be pissy with me and this is the deal. If she wanted the one she bought today i would give to her and she could hit the road.

I feel that things are started in the right direction, but its gonna be a very rough road.

Good job, lostman!!

Do you realize it's not been 48 hours since you first posted here? Look how far you've come in such a short time!

Probably not a record (MelodyLane would probably know that), but you have to admit you've made quite the turnaround in a very short period of time.

Good on you!