Yes, you are on the right track! BUT, becoming passionate about those same activities again will undo your efforts at recovery if they are practiced as they were before. These changes have to be permanent if you want to maintain the love in your marriage.

Now, that doesn't mean you can't add them back to a smaller degree as long as your favorite leisure time is spent with your spouse. I was a political activist like Autumn Day, but it interfered with my marriage. And my H HATED talking politics; he can't stand to even hear about it. So, I have pretty much given that up. I read a few news peices a day but thats about it and donate to favored causes. It will never and should never reach the levels of passion it once did.

Thanks for the clarification, Mel. The last thing I want is for my BH to have to compete for my passion again. I can say I enjoy writing, like my BH enjoys TV, but I could go for days without thinking about it, unlike the daily desire I now have for my BH. And this is coming from a WS who had a loveless M for almost a decade!

AD, there is hope if you want it. I am living proof of that. I had to give up my pride and endured a few other "casualties"--which now I really don't see as casualties rather dropping excess baggage--but it's SO worth it to love and be loved. I pray for you and hope you can find that missing love.

Since I'm being brought back into this, I would like it to be clear that my H very much supports my passion for writing. He doesn't feel any resentment towards it, and even though he isn't a writer, he is very enthusiastic about what I do.

Like most people, I do have to find a way to strike a balance in my life. I balance my work (writing), with my personal life (my relationship with my family, children, husband). This is a balance that everyone has to find, since most couples can't give up working and family time and spend 100% of their time with each other.

I very much think that AD needs to focus on UA time right now. She needs to rekindle those lost feelings for her H. I simply didn't get the impression from reading through this thread that her political activism was the main reason why AD wasn't spending time with her H. I still don't know how he feels about her activism and whether or not he supports it. She was being given blanket advice to give that up entirely when it wasn't even clear if that was the primary problem in her marriage, and I did have an issue with that.

I think AD's primary concern is trying to get to that place where she even wants to spend time with her H. Right now, they both seem to be avoiding spending time together as much as possible. Her question seems to be, how can she overcome this aversion she feels towards her H and get to a place where she even has the desire to be with him and work on fixing her marriage, and it didn't seem to me that fixating on her political activism really addressed that.

I think another issue in AD's marriage seems to be a proliferation of LB's between her and her H. The way AD describes most of their interactions, it seems as though every encounter between them is plagued with LB's and AO's, and as long as this continues, it's very unlikely that either of them are going to have much of a desire to spend time together. Right now, she has very little reason to think that any of her encounters with her H will be pleasurable, so of course she doesn't want to spend time with him. They are doing almost nothing to make deposits into each other's LB's, and every encounter they have seems to make massive withdrawals.

Sorry, writer, but the way she has described her political activities, it is a problem in her marriage. Maybe you can't see that because you have not resolved your own marriage problems? As long as this comes before her marriage and she PREFERS politics, it is a problem. It is not enough to just spend more time with him. She has to eliminate things she enjoys MORE until her marriage becomes her most enjoyable activity.


Remember what Harley said?
here



But you have no grounds to "have an issue with that," because you are not in a recovered marriage yourself. Your own advice doesn't work for you. Its one thing to give contradictory advice if you have solved your own marriage problems, but you have not. That "blanket advice" works.

I'm curious Melody as to why you think my marriage isn't recovered?

I get the impression from the way that AD has described things between her and her H that, at the moment, she would prefer just about ANY activity to spending time with him. And that's a huge problem that merely removing political activism from her life won't solve.

I am going by what you have told us here.


Of course it's not "merely" removing politics. And no one said such a thing.

The "blanket advice" doesn't work if it doesn't address the issue, and the issue seems to be that AD has developed an aversion to her H. She says she can't even stand spending a few minutes in the same room with him, even if there isn't any interaction between them at all. This seems like a far larger problem than her engaging in an activity that is taking up her time and preventing her from getting in UA time. That was my issue with the blanket advice - the fact that it didn't really seem to address the issue that she was struggling with.

Which is?

Yes it does work. Sorry.

That was not your issue, writer. And I am disappointed that you continually try to disrupt her thread with this kind of nonsense. Why would you do that? She is here to get help for her marriage. Why won't you let her do that?

**EDIT**

STOP!! Do not disrupt this thread again!!

**EDIT**

writer,

I disagree.

AD is totally invovled with her politics and excludes her family, her children have even communicated this to her, that her political activism comes before her family, and her children also complain to her that she is the one who raises her voice and has the most arguments with husband and family.

AD, is this your career, and are you making your living in politics? Nevertheless, it is a priority over your marriage and family.

AD is disconnected with her family and puts her cyber-relationships before her family and marriage, and puts strangers before her husband and family because it is her passion.

ITA with ML on this. and with wanthealing, with her WILLINGNESS to change and put her marriage first, to recover the passion and love within her marital relationship.

Wanthealing has room to improve, as we ALL do. Kudos to you wanthealing, for being open to advice.

AD, you have to figure this out. What is more important to you, to be loved by the cybermasses, or be loved and approved by your family?

You need to give this political stuff up and start connecting with your H and family. Of course your H looks unattractive to you when you have the love of the cyber people who have NO personal connection to you.

I am telling you that if you want the internet love you will end up old and ALONE. Will that work for you?

Step up and follow the MB program. You haven't so far.

Listen up to ML.

A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts! If you cannot help in that regard, then kindly refrain from posting and stop disrupting this thread.

Please familiarize yourself with our board policy in the Announcements Section

This announcement is to clarify our policy about the discussion of other marriage books and programs on our forum. Such discussion is acceptable, except on the threads of those seeking help for their marriages. Offering alternative methods to those in need promises to confuse and discourage them, often leading to unnecessary debates. Posters attempting to help should not be put in the position of having to debate basic principles. That is not helpful to anyone, most especially the poster in need.

**EDIT**

**EDIT**

If this is the case, then I would agree. It would be wrong for AD to place her political activism above her H and family. AD needs to take an honest look at how she has been handling her relationships with her H and children and see if this is what she has been doing. Maybe she is indeed starting to realize that this is the case, and maybe that's why the issue did not come up earlier in her thread.

Thanks MissM. Wanthealing is exactly right about this. Passions such as politics, etc, harm the marriage because of the contrast effect. I know that politics was damaging my marriage too and I put it aside almost completely. I was way too emotionally invested in it.

I know AD can turn this around if she follows Dr Harley's advice and I commend you for supporting her marriage.

Thanks mel.

Ad, we want to help you recover your M

You have let your internet blogging and cyber-relationships become your affair. You have gone from one affair with an OC to an affair with cyberspace.

Let go of all of this and put your M first. Follow the MB program. It saved ML's marriage and it saved mine, and countless others.

Please let go of this for now and start meeting your BH's EN's. Believe me, he won't be gross anymore.

If you follow the MB program everything will fall into perspective for you.

Please. Listen to your children. They miss you and need you. Make a choice here. Your family and H need you. And they have let you know this.

If you want politics above your family then you need to cut bait and not hurt your H and family any longer. You need to understand that you are making a choice here to hurt the one's that you made a choice to commit to, give birth to, and love. Where do your loyalties lie?

MB will help you if you CHOOSE it.

You guys might possibly argue more than my husband and I do.


wanthealing, I thought I had everything figured out when I was at your point, post-A. We were happily married there for awhile. I hope it works out better for you.

I'm almost convinced that the character flaw of a wayward, penetrates everything in life. I'm not a wayward anymore, but I'm not a good person. I can't imagine giving up my passions for my husband. I've seen old married women that have given up their interests for their husbands, and sure... they're still married, but they're miserable. I did take about a month off, and nobody wanted to do anything with me during that time.