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Joined: Jul 2008
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Woot, part of any Plan A is to work on improving oneself apart from just the marital issues. So easy to fall into despair when you feel powerless to effect change within your marriage but you have the opportunity and motivation to effect change within yourself. You have done quite a bit of soul searching since you have come here, you need to take that newfound knowledge and self-awareness and rebuild yourself into a better person and partner.

So for now, work on yourself. Stay in shape, eat right, clean your house, get into a routine. Get down when you're by yourself? Take some courses at a local school, use that tuition assistance, pretty hard to indulge in self-pity while you're busy with work and night school. What's more attractive, a guy that mopes at home in a dirty house or someone that has their fecal mater collated and takes the reins in his life and does what he can to improve those areas he can control. You got no control over what your wife thinks, says, and does, but you can control the person that you can become, and make visible changes that would make you a more attractive mate than those around her.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Jin, you are absolutely correct.

For two reasons I believe, one is to feel better personally.
The other is to actually make myself more attractive. (Yes, you stated that second one)

So taking your advice I forced myself to work on my bike today and start putting it back together so I can ride, then I ended up meeting my neighbor, and proceeded to go out to dinner with some friends. So taking your advice actually really cheered me up, thanks.

In other news, tonight I chatted with her again.
I'm trying my best, but I still made is disrespectful judgement towards the end about her award/promotion. She was kind enough to call me out.

Quote
me: Hey good morning!
Sent at 8:30 PM on Tuesday
Wife: hi
Sent at 8:45 PM on Tuesday
Me: how are you doing?
Sent at 8:47 PM on Tuesday
Wife: good
u?
you said you had a rough day?
what happened?
Me: ohh yesterday, just got really down on myself
my body was really tired
and I watched the social network, the movie about facebook
and it made me feel inadequate, and I just went down from there
ever have just one of those days where you feel like [censored]?
like nothing ever goes right, and there is no point to anything in the world?
Sent at 8:55 PM on Tuesday
Wife: mhmm
Me: well I was having one of those days
So did you feel the earthquake?
Sent at 8:59 PM on Tuesday
Wife: ?
no
Me: ohh, there was a 7.4 earthquake in southwest pakistan earlier
ya'll are kinda far from it, but I thought you might have been able to feel tremors
Sent at 9:02 PM on Tuesday
Wife: no
oi
brb
Me: yup
Sent at 9:04 PM on Tuesday
Wife: i tried to call you yesterday but my phone wasn't working and they're moving all the activities tents around so the internet/phone tent was shut down
i don't think i'll have a day off anymore while i'm here tho
Me: ohh that sucks
Wife: yeah
Me: on both accounts, not having another day off
Wife: i do need to talk to you though
Me: blah
well go ahead
Wife: i'd rather talk to you
but it's about the house and stuff
Me: mmm
Sent at 9:37 PM on Tuesday
Wife: what do you want to do w/ it
Me: I don't know right now
I think thats a discussion we should have in person, after you've been home for just a little bit
Wife: why?
Sent at 9:39 PM on Tuesday
Me: because its not one to be made quickly
there are quite a few options we have
Sent at 9:40 PM on Tuesday
Me: I am assuming that you want to get back and leave here/me as soon as possible, but I'm just asking for a little patience
Wife: you mean like renting it out?
Me: well thats one option, not the top of my list, but is an option
and a viable one at that
Wife: so what were you thinking?
Me: lol, tons of different things
Wife: ....?
Me: as I said, I'd much rather discuss them in person
there is no need to rush
Sent at 9:44 PM on Tuesday
Wife: well, my plans for when i get back are to find a vehicle, move my stuff to my mom's house, register for my fall classes, then i'm going on my eurotrip w/ Kiff, Keg and LIv and i'd rather have stuff like this figured out before i get back
Sent at 9:46 PM on Tuesday
Me: I know
I need to think
Wife: well the only other options i can think of are selling it or transferring it into your name only...
and that was another thing - i wanted to find out if my name is on the loan at all because i can't see it and i thought i was only your name on it to begin with
*it
Me: I'lll find out for you
You know its strange, quite a few people that give me advice about us are quite concerned with the house and stuff like that.
I'm more worried about you than anything we own.
You are my priority, everything else is replaceable, you are not.
Sent at 9:51 PM on Tuesday
Me: I'll have to think.
Sent at 9:53 PM on Tuesday
Me: So to completely change the subject, how did you LOE go?
Wife: sucked
i didn't even read it
don't really care about it
Me: why?
Wife: because the guy who wrote it is a complete moron and i'm getting out anyway so what does it matter?
Me: I guess the only way it could matter is for resume use in the future
Sent at 9:58 PM on Tuesday
Me: I know you are an amazing person, and an awesome worker, but loe's and whatnot let the rest of the world know
Sent at 9:59 PM on Tuesday
Wife: yeah, if my unit were thinking about giving me an award when i get back
which i'm 98% sure they're not
since i'm leaving
Me: you underestimate so many people DISRESPECTFUL JUDGMENT
I would be quite surprised if you got nothing. You volunteered for a 6 month deployment, that doesn't go without thanks.
Remember how sure you were that you weren't getting staff?
Sent at 10:02 PM on Tuesday
Wife: i wasn't tho - i knew i wasn't getting promoted during my deployment but i wasn't sure if i was getting it or not
Sent at 10:06 PM on Tuesday
Me: Well I may be wrong, but I remember you having quite a few angry rants about them not giving it to you before you deployed
saying how unhappy you were going to be there, deployed as a 6 year SrA
Sent at 10:08 PM on Tuesday
Me: Well <Wife> its getting rather late, I love you and I can't wait to see you again.
Goodnight
Wife: uh huh
Me: ?
Wife: night
Sent at 10:10 PM on Tuesday
Wife: and just because i'm upset about something doesn't mean that "i'm so sure about it" - all that means is that i was really concerned about it because it was a goal i was trying to achieve or something and didn't think i could...you take EVERYTHING so literally, all the time - it's one reason i never talk to you about what's going on - because i don't want a preacher telling me how to do things, it's me merely venting/verbally expressing my concern. so when i say that i doubt that i'll get any awards and that i don't care about my LOE it's just because if i told you how i actually felt, i'd just get a lecture that i really don't want
Sent at 10:15 PM on Tuesday
Me: You're right.
Sent at 10:19 PM on Tuesday
Me: I would like to know how you really feel.
I love you, goodnight.


She got on the topic of the house, and I was really struggling with what to say. I feel like I'm terrible at having a conversation that ends with only depositing love units. Anyone wanna take over the conversing for me? Lol, I could use the help. (I'm not serious, I want to be the one doing the work in my marriage)


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 172
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My biggest fear currently is that she will get back, and move across the country. Then I don't even get a real chance to show her improvements. I tried avoiding talking about our house and what to do with it, but I can see she is looking to get back and just run.

Friday I have a meeting setup in person with her Supervisor, her 1st Seargant, and her commander. Even though my own commander supposidly sent them the statement, I'm going to make sure they know. I am also going to ask them to not allow my wife to end her commitment early, so that we will actually have time together and she can't move back east right away. Is this wise?

My last question to y'all is:
If I send her Fireproof in a care package, won't that be considered lecturing?


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 172
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Anyone out there? Anyone?

In an effort to try and take care of myself: Yesterday I went to a bicycle shop and setup an appointment to test ride bikes all next Saturday. Then I went on a motorcycle ride for about an hour. Just by myself.

Today I forced myself to go be with my Grandparents and Godparents for my Godfather's birthday. Rode my motorcycle, and took the long twisty route to their house which lasts about an hour each way. Then I made it home just in time to grab my hockey bag and go play a game. I haven't played in about 6 months. So it was actually quite funny as I showed up to the hockey game, still in motorcycle gear not having enough time to change.

Time to write my wife her daily email.


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 172
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Hmmm. Less than 60 days until she gets home.


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Feb 2007
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I wouldn't send it to her. She would take it as u educating her.

Keep up working on yourself and keeping busy.

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I went to a nutritionist today to get setup on eating better. Actually shocked her when she found out my body fat. <5%

I run a little over 5k each day, and I'm about to pull the trigger on buying a bicycle to start riding an hour each day. I know that I need to increase my calorie intake to cope with the increased activity.

I've always been REALLY thin, so I guess now is a perfect time (and motivation) to work on gaining some muscle. So that's why I went to her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in a few days, I'm not trying to initiate conversations with her. Today is one of the days that I'm not sending an email, I wonder if it'll get her thinking about me.

I wonder if she even cares.

Thanks for the support guys.


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 172
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Well here is an indicator as to where we stand:

I asked her tonight for her W2, and asked her how she wanted to deal with the refund. Here is the exact conversation:

Her: I'm dling my w2 now

Me: How would you like to deal with the refund.
Me: You got screwed last year, and I feel a lot of pain from what I did.

Her: yeah, I really don't care.

Me: frown

Her: well you do whatever you want anyway

Me: Not anymore.
Me: That's why I'm asking you.

Her: I just sent them
Her: well I really don't care - just take it
Her: do w/e with it

Me: I got them. Thank you. There is so much else that I want to say, but I won't. I love you. Goodnight.

So from that exchange, I'd say we are not well.
What do I do? How can I show her that I'm different and she matters?


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 172
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Here is what I figured I'd do with the tax refund.

1k to me.
1.5k to her.
1.5k in a mutual fund for her mom.

Her mom always talked about wanting to invest, shes always wanted to but never had a clue how to get started or the money to do so. (Her mom is kinda poor)

If anything I figure that's at least not selfish. Maybe it'll deposit some love units.

So I have a question for y'all.
What are some typical things that most people work on to improve themselves? Y'all say to continue to improve myself, so what are some normal things? americanjin listed a few. But what else?


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Oct 2004
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Woot

1k to me.
1.5k to her.
1.5k in a mutual fund for her mom.

I think this has potential to come back to bite you. Does "whatever" hold any legal force? got to wonder. (One of my DD's most annoying favourite words by the way grin)

While I don't know how the tax return works for you legally ... all yours?? I would think it is FAR safer to send $2k to her and $2k to you or if not.... whatever legal division is correct.

I understand you may wish to not think about this... however how would it would play out for you if this ever does go to court and there is a asset and cash division. Please be careful.

While I think your very generous thoughts for your MIL is just wonderful... Maybe get some legal advice? just so you don't have more issues to deal with in the future. Perhaps a email from her that agrees to the distribution would work...

one more niggling thought .. is giving her more $$ financing her WW behaviour?


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

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Well. In the past week my wife has iniated contact three times. Last night she even called me. That's only the third time in six months she's called me. (on a humoreous note, every call I've been somewhere away from home. Twice living in a tent at an exercise)

Our conversation went well, mostly just catching up, but no displays of affection on either side.

So I guess this is good, as my goal was to get her to iniate contact and to have her call me. Baby steps. Can I even take this as a sign there is hope?

Where do I go from here? She has about 40 days left before she leaves Afghanistan.


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 172
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@Aussies

All very good questions. She inquired about the refunds, and I once again asked her what she wanted to do, and she said that that sounded like a good plan.

As to is giving her $$ financing her behavior? I have no idea what her behavior is. In her phone call last night she said "I have no friends, I have Boone to hang out with. I don't talks to anyone." Because I can't be there, I have no clue if she is still having an affair or not.


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 650
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Well, that does sound like good news for you. Just keep doing what you're doing. As far as the tax return, I would just split it down the middle; or if you took it all last year take what would have been her share out of your half this year.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Split it down the middle. That sounds fair to me.

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Originally Posted by americajin
As far as the tax return, I would just split it down the middle; or if you took it all last year take what would have been her share out of your half this year.

Last year she really got burned. We got the new homeowners tax incentive thing, so our refund was about $11,000. Which to us is a lot of money, I'm enlisted military and she didn't work that year.

About $10,000 went to payoff our car. Which she would call "my" car, its in my name, but we only have one car. Then I got into a car wreck the day I got back from Afghanistan, and $500 went towards the deductable of that wreck. The rest went to her. So pretty much, nothing.

The $1000 I was going to take from this years refund, I was actually going to get a road bicycle for her with. I've saved up enough so that with that $1k I can get bicycles and gear for the two of us.

Thanks for the replies, I feel HORRIBLE amounts of guilt about last years refund, and I really want to make it up to her. What should I do?


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 318
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How many days will she be back?

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She will be back in about 35-45 days depending on flights.

Or were you asking how many days she will be home when she gets back.


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 318
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When she gets back to you

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Then 35-40 days.


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 172
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My wife said yesterday that she tried to call me, and I was in a place that had no reception so she may have. That's two phone calls within a few weeks, which is odd when that would have made only the 4th phone call of the whole trip.

She does want me to go to a local car dealer, and check out a small pickup truck she found online. Should I do this for her?


Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None
OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010
Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
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