Hello there Autumn Day,

Can I ask you....

How can you write this:

and this...


All in the same post?

Do you love him, but are just not attracted to him sexually?

Yeah right, all your interests sure have made you happy, haven't they? Strangely, you just described yourself, still married but miserable.

Women who are madly "in love" in passionate romantic marriages are real "miserable."

They don't "give up their interests" either, they just find new interests that support their marriages and can be shared by their husbands. Wanna try again?

Oh, have you?

I happen to work with the elderly, which the majority of are women, and your attempt at another excuse to sit on your [censored] and mope, rather than engage in your marriage, is patently and statistically false.

I work with a woman who has told me she was happy to have endured her husband's 15 years of alcoholism, during which she stated "he was useless as a man in every given way."

She got 15 good years, 15 years in the bottle, and 3 years before the damage done by drinking killed him - and she is thankful for her life as a farmer's wife.

THANKFUL. HAPPY. SATISFIED.

Why? Because she chose to be. She didn't sit around and [censored] and moan about her passions.

So AD, what is your plan? What activities are you planning to propose to your husband for the UA time?

Walking away isn't a good long term solution. So what have you decided you want to suggest you and your husband do? What sorts of things did you do when dating, and when are you going to begin to do those things, in the same fashion as you did when you first met?

After all, if you want to find love for your husband, you have to actually DO the loving, which means spending time together doing things you both like.

Since I've suggested this several times, what have you recalled and started to implement?

Talk is cheap, time to get down to the work of actually loving your husband. If you stay busy, you really won't have time to allow your thinking to convince you that your husband grosses you out.

If you are not busy with UA time with him, then your stinking-thinking can creep in and help destroy your marriage.

So what is your plan?

Autumn,

wanthealing's marriage will be just fine as long as she and her husband continue to put their marriage FIRST -- As long as they ACTIVELY work MB in it's entirety in their marriage. Mr. W and I are coming up on 6 years post dday in April. Our marriage is GREAT -- Why? Because of the time and care we invest in it -- and we owe learning how to do that to MB. And sure, we're normal and we have days where one or both of us screw up -- But we fix it, RIGHT THEN...We deal with any issues head on, and don't allow them to fester.

And this:


Uh no. If you want to say that about yourself, then knock yourself out, but do not put me in that group. I have chosen otherwise. I choose to ACT daily. I am a good person, because I choose to be every single day. The fruits in my life back up my statements.

I would point out that the definition of "wayward" isn't just "in an active affair". You sound very uninvested in LIFE -- You sound to me like someone who is not being "of service" in your real life [not cyberworld] -- Nothing leads to depression faster than that. Being of service in your marriage and family WITH A WILLING HEART is perhaps the best medicine in the world. You must ACT, Autumn.

Mrs. W

And yet, here you are still actively engaged in your "passions" and that has led to what exactly?

YOU BEING MISERABLE.

Autumn, think about this. What you are doing now is NOT making your heart sing. It is NOT making you happy and fulfilled. But you are passionate about it? WHY?

Can I tell you what you sound like? You sound like you believe that your husband and children are making you miserable. But you've admitted that you don't spend time with them. So what or WHO is really making Autumn miserable?

Think. And remember, "wherever you go, there you are".

Mrs. W

AD,


As I was sitting here at the computer, I just clicked on this thread. I haven't read anything you've ever posted before, but something led me here.


Wow.


I have so much to say to you, and yet this is such a tough venue for saying it all.

I first want to let you know that I understand that you have a desire to be "in love" with your husband, and don't understand what happened to that. Second, what I see is that you have rewritten your marital history to believe that in 27 years you have been happy just here and there, only a few months, and that somehow you find yourself blaming your husband, or circumstances, or

something nebulous

undefinable

for your sense of loss of love

and unhappiness

in your life circumstance and marriage.


My reaction to this is two-fold. I react initially by wanting to blame you, for being so blind to yourself. Then, I realize that self-deception is simply what it is - that you cannot see your own self, the way you have blinded yourself to your own life, and therefore I cannot blame you for what you cannot see. You are, truly, blind to it.


Your husband, in your words, loves your OC. He takes care of you, and this family you created via another man. You call your husband a wonderful man.

Yet, you create a sense of distance from your husband, purposely, by failing to spend time with him.


You DEPERSONALIZE YOUR HUSBAND.

By failing to allow any time with him, you depersonalize him. You purposely

and very methodically

keep distance from him.


You

do

this.

YOU. DO. THIS.

You.



Because it serves the purpose of KEEPING YOU OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM.



You have CHOSEN not to be "in love" with your husband.


The question you need to ask yourself is:


WHY?



SB

had to jump in to say that was so powerful schoolbus...very well said. i wish i had read that long ago! i questioned why i didn't really love my husband almost my entire marriage. thankfully we're slowly finding our way to each other.

married 19 yrs.
H EA Oct/2010
separated Nov. 2011
in recovery!

If you open the door to someone

you will find them standing there.

I gave up my passion for my husband, and I don't regret. Haven't ever regretted it, actually, and it's been 3 years.

Prior to DH and I meeting I rode horses professionally. I rode Dressage and have ridden almost to Olympic levels, taught, trained, had my own farm. I was very badly injured by a young horse and took time off, met DH while I was injured, and once I was healed I went back to riding with a world class Jumper trainer riding her youngsters and rehab/injured horses. I did that for a while and DH (then fiance) didn't mind. Until I lost our baby while I was riding - then he asked that I quit riding the 'big' horses. And, I did, but I kept my horses and still backed less atheletic horses.

But, after a year or so of me riding every Saturday and Sunday and us not seeing much of each other he asked that I not ride on Saturday and maybe cull the number of horses I had. So, I sold one and haven't ridden more than one or two Saturday's since, and those were special rides that we discussed beforehand.

DH and I are buying/leasing a farm this year and he's getting a horse of his own to ride with me some (the horse I sold years ago at his request I'm buying back for him to ride because he'll be a good hubby horse). I dropped my passion for horses down to a level that was comfortable for both of us, and it was one of the best things I've ever done for me as a person and our relationship. I am no longer defined by one hobby - I can skateboard (DH skateboarded growing up and still does despite his old age ), wakeboard, waterski, swim, we're both interested in astronomy and stargazing, rock hounding, we have so many more interests that I'm a more well rounded and I am happier.

It is very easy to blame others for the pain we put ourselves in.


In the the case of Autumn Day, the choices are simple. She could choose to be less selfish, spend time doing mutually enjoyable activities with her husband and YIKES-SACRIFICE a little of her own time doing her "passions"

Or

remain independent of him and keep doing her own thing her own way on her own time by her own self.


My guess is that she chooses her own thing. This keeps that UNDESIRABLE label stuck firmly across the hubby's forehead

and AD can continue to say,

"See, I just can't get off the dime here."


It also keeps AD firmly BELIEVING she has nothing whatsoever to do with the possibility of change in the relationship. After all,

she doesn't "like" to do things the hubby likes, or doesn't really "want" to.

It is all about what AD "wants", isn't it????



AD - do you see that you are still wayward?

Do you see this?

No, I don't see it.

It is not all about what I want.

We have different interests, is all.

He spends multiple hours doing his thing too.

I don't try to keep him from his interests.

I'd sacrifice or severely cut back my thing, if we had mutual interests, but there isn't any one thing we *both* absolutely love doing. Not like the things we do on our own anyway.

I don't blame him for my "pain". I'm not sure where you got that? The laundry list I fist stated sounds awful. I know. Even still, I don't blame him. They're my issues.

~~~~

Mrs. W~ I'm sorry. I shouldn't have painted with a broad brush. You are awesome!

There are millions of enjoyable things to do.

You have not tried them all. There's no way.

True, Markos, we haven't.

He really LOVES his thing.... I'm talking life long love of his particular hobbies.

I really love mine too.

He can't stand my interests, and I can only take his in very small doses, but he prefers doing his with "the guys" anyway.

If I were to ask him to sacrifice his interests to try to discover a mutually enjoyable interest, he would be unbelievably miserable. I'm serious. When he's not doing his thing, he's talking about it. He is synonymous with his interests. When people think of my husband, they think of his interests and vice versa.

What does your husband do AD?

AD,

I can relate totally. My husband's entire being is wrapped up in his "thing". It is how everyone relates to him. His job revolves around it....he actually got out of the field he was trained in to do this full time. Prior to me, he would not date anyone not involved in it. He worked hard to get me involved but is disappointed that I don't share the same passion (although, after years of trying, I am at least finding it somewhat enjoyable). I notice he is upset if the kids are less enthusiastic than him. I used to (and still do) worry that if her were to become injured and not be able to participate that he would just roll over an die.

I truly do not believe he would give it up and quite frankly, I know I could never ask him to. It is who he is. Maybe if I had found MB before marriage we would have dealt with this (and probably have broken up) but as it was, I assumed that was normal. It wasn't till later that I realized what a toll this has/had on our marriage.

I wish you good luck as I have been following your story. All I can say is that you owe it to yourself to try for as long as is possible.

Why do you say that? It's not impossible, but you both have to want it to happen.

Prior to DH I spent about $20,000 a year on my personal horses, was at the barn twice a day, had no friends who weren't horse people, didn't do anything outside of horses. They were my life, I worked to support them. That's called an obsession or a profession, it's not a healthy, balanced life.

He asked that I no longer be that involved, and I'm happier now. Sure, it took some adjustment, but once I adjusted and we found hobbies *we* enjoy then we're much happier. I do still ride some, not as much as I did for years and he wants to learn to ride as well.

Sure he would be miserable initially. I understand completely!! But he will quickly forget his misery when it is replaced with something better. And that is the point here. I felt the same way when I quit smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I was miserable at first! But what replaced it was so much better than smoking that I quickly forgot the pain of giving up my Marlboro lights.

And this is where you should start looking. Start looking for something you enjoy together. But you will need to STOP doing your individual things because of the contrast effect. It will make it almost impossible to find something you like doing together if you are doing something you LOVE alone.