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From what I have read, Affairs are like addictions and she is in withdrawal from the OM. This will take some time. Hang in there lostman. I think you're on the right road. Lost - if you feel she's trying, then you're miles ahead. I know it hurts and i feel for you. she tells me she is trying but she is in conflict. Im hoping time will help.
Me = BH
DDay Dec. 2010
D filed Oct 2011 (by me)
D final 3/16/12
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Thanks lostntime i need to hear things like this right now. it gives me hope for her.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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From what I have read, Affairs are like addictions and she is in withdrawal from the OM. This will take some time. Hang in there lostman. I think you're on the right road. Lost - if you feel she's trying, then you're miles ahead. I know it hurts and i feel for you. she tells me she is trying but she is in conflict. Im hoping time will help. Call me skeptical. I don't think she's in withdrawal at all. I think she's gone underground. Gaslight, anyone? God, I hope I'm wrong.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Call me skeptical. I don't think she's in withdrawal at all. I think she's gone underground.
Gaslight, anyone?
God, I hope I'm wrong. I guess only he can decide that, and I do hope you're wrong.  For me, once I saw how my WW behaved during contact/affair, I can now sense when that isn't being displayed. Does that make any sense? If his wife is truly not in contact and, to the best of her limited abilities, working on the marriage, then I think her behavior and his resulting anxiety is normal. If she's gaslighting, well, I'd hope that he could pick up on that.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Well i do understand the skepticism, ive had it myself. But there are always way more details that i know that i dont post because of time, frustration and this site is really slow. I've been trying to post more as i am at work right now, but it could get better or worse with the info i post. I do have a busy life with a WW and 4 boys. Lets say at this point i dont believe it is underground, But hey thats been going on 4 months already huh.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Lostman,
It really sucks feeling that you are forced to compete for the woman that you have been married to for so long. I completely understand that feeling.
You have to focus on your plan. You must not have any expectations from her. The speed and volatility of her mood swings will make you dizzy.
You concentrate on what YOU are doing, not what SHE is doing.
Repeat this to yourself over and over- No expectations, no expectations, no expectations.
It took me awhile to figure that out, but it is the only way I have survived this long.
BS(me)- 44
WS- 41
D-day #1- (EA) 08/02/2010
D-day #2- (PA) 09/24/2010
WS moved out- 11/11/2010
NC- 02/21/2011
Plan A
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Lets say at this point i dont believe it is underground, But hey thats been going on 4 months already huh. Then what you're seeing is normal. Hang in there, it may get worse before you see a turn. Going day by day stinks, but that's kind of how it is. See what tomorrow is like.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Repeat this to yourself over and over- No expectations, no expectations, no expectations. Yeah, convincing your mind of this is a pretty hard thing to do. But, you're right.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Well i do understand the skepticism, ive had it myself. But there are always way more details that i know that i dont post because of time, frustration and this site is really slow. I've been trying to post more as i am at work right now, but it could get better or worse with the info i post. I do have a busy life with a WW and 4 boys. Lets say at this point i dont believe it is underground, But hey thats been going on 4 months already huh. Perhaps I should take a different tack with you: SNOOP, SNOOP and SNOOP. In recovery, snooping is not only expected, it's REQUIRED. For the time being, don't let her know that you're snooping. If you're really getting into recovery, the Policy of Radical Honesty will begin to play a part in your relationship, and snooping just becomes part of openness and honesty. For now, though, in the words of Ronald Reagan, "Trust -- But VERIFY."
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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thats funny you tell me to keep saying no expections because i have been doing that already. One reason why i have been mentally planning about how to go about with out her. Snooping is one thing that helps me believe there is no communication. She even told me to put a satelite tracker on her car and i never mentioned it. I havent done it but if i felt it was necessary i will do it.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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In with Fred on this one. Your wife may not be planning on contacting this guy today, but tomorrow she may get a little down and just give him a quick ring to see how's he doing. You know, since he's going through sooo much these days and is probably pretty sad.
Being sarcastic on that last part there, but stay on it man.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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The genuine emotiions, attitude, willingness to at least attemp to try, recognizing the kids must come first,comments friends make about what she is telling them, not able to leave the house anymore at night, except vball which i feel good about, watching all phone calls, ripping the car apart, checking email, going through purse, and getting regular text updates while she is gone, having the kids with her while she is at home and i am at work help me to figure out she is having some honesty here. At some point you have to do a little trusting as long as the snooping confirms it.
By the way she is a stay at home mom and she doesnt get the privledge of leaving just at the spur of the moment.
Last edited by lostman101; 02/23/11 05:05 PM.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Posts: 393
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yesterday was a better day, today not as much. i got home from work and she admitted again she was struggling not to call him. she told me she had the phone in her hand ready to call, and made the very hard choice not to. its this honesty that gives me some hope.
2 steps forward one step back. hopefully she will stay on the right path. we talked and went through some rough conversation that ended kinda ruff. Her parents are coming over tomorrow and this could be very bad. I pray things go smoothly as she already resents them.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Hey, at least she volunteered that she thought about calling. That's a good thing, Lost. You think her parents are going to jump on her? Would this be the first time that they've been to see you guys since all this went down? Use it as an opportunity to be there for her ($LB deposits) while still allowing her to reap what she's sown. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for you. One step at a time 
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Almost forgot, do you think you could you add a signature showing when the affair went on, when you exposed, etc.? It kind of helps to get a feel for where you are in the process for those of us that can barely remember what we ate for supper the night before Have a good one, Lost. Looks like you're making some progress!
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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yes, her parents will not be easy on her. They are the type that could drive her further away, or help make progress. The kids are at a sitter and i have been texting her letting her know im here for her.
I added a sig, let me know if i need to modify it.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Well it al hit the fan today. I found text this morning to him before she met the whole family. They packed her things, took her money, phone, car, all of it. they are taking her back home to live now. this im sure is all a big fight. her sisters are keeping me informed.
why is this site so slow? I type a whole sentence before it appears on the screen.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Well it al hit the fan today. I found text this morning to him before she met the whole family. They packed her things, took her money, phone, car, all of it. they are taking her back home to live now. this im sure is all a big fight. her sisters are keeping me informed.
why is this site so slow? I type a whole sentence before it appears on the screen. why did they take her home? I don't get it. ?? What did the text say? It may be your computer, lost, not the site. My typing cruises right along.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Well it al hit the fan today. I found text this morning to him before she met the whole family. They packed her things, took her money, phone, car, all of it. they are taking her back home to live now. this im sure is all a big fight. her sisters are keeping me informed.
why is this site so slow? I type a whole sentence before it appears on the screen. Sorry, Lost for the turn of events. Same questions from me as from maritalbliss. Take care.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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trying to type to fast and this site sucks for me. While she was meeting with the family at my house to discuss her problems for the first time is when i found the text to the other man.. i called during there discussion and told them she broke my deal and let her mom and dad pack sum things and take her home with them. That way i know she will be cared for by someone other than the om. they took all of her bank cards out of her purse and took her cell phone away and hauled her off. Now she knows im serious.
The text were along the lines of i love you i miss you from what she said. technology can be a double edge sword.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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