We will see how much she seems to of changed tonight. Hopefully there is some good that has come out of this. Reality is setting in hard for me again today. I'm hoping that the counselor has some good things for her as well. This will be her first visit. Really feeling sick

Same here, it was really good hearing it from my FIL, too. We often hear horror stories and jokes about in-laws, but it's humbling when they stick up for you and your family.

Wow, sounds like you raised them right, CP. I hope they're proud!

Lostman, stop posting on this board RIGHT NOW and go read what Dr. Harley says about recovering from infidelity.

Here.

Hey lost,

From the outside looking in, and reading what you've posted, I'd say this was a good day for you. Your wife wants to work on your marriage. That's what you've wanted, right?

I've felt the same way. For me, the turning point was realizing that the OM wasn't main problem; it was all the crap that happened that allowed him into our lives and how in h do you even begin to start over? Not to minimize the effort required to bust up an affair, but getting rid of OM was relatively easy when compared to repairing the mess that got us here in the first place.

But that's ok, now you know what not to do. Up the hill you go, lost.

Talked to her a bit ago. Shes been calling me as i am ready for her to start trying and i haven't made any contact on my part.She was nice and she wanted to know if her mom gave me her cell phone. I told her no, but when i get it im just going to cancel it i think. She said okay in a nice way. OMG. haven't had that reaction once yet. I told her i was looking forward to seeing her tonight and she said she felt the same.OMG that's a second first time things seem better.

Yes i agree that it has been a good day for me, but that doesnt change the fact all of this has happened and soured my stomach. I see some hope!

Things were not bad a year ago. She even admitted that. Home life was not that bad except for a demanding 1 year old. Things got worse when he started paying attention to her. The om is a guy that could probably have about any woman he wants, hes that good looking, extremely well built and and my wife fell in a trap. I must admit she is a looker as well.

With four kids under age 8, how much time (UA) did y'all spend together before all this happened? Now would be a good time to schedule time together.

I only have two, and it's pretty hard for me and W to get any UA time in, but we wrote it down on a schedule. We put the kids in another room and set a kitchen timer for them. They're not to talk to mom or dad until the timer goes off. Works pretty well, just FYI.

We spent time together as a whole family and date nights. Things were really good. she had an occasional night out with friends. no bid deals anywhere. when she wanted to start doing a little more with friends, no big deal, ive always been nice about that. she always told me who she was with and where she was going. even up to the end thats why in the back of my mind she was being honest. this all started getting bad in our relationship when he started showing interest in her. you know how it goes, hot, new, exciting, blablablabla.

Hopefully you'll recognize in time that more and more time spent apart from you with her friends was a big deal. It was too much independent behavior and recreational companionship with people aside from you.

It caused holes in your marriage, which led to ...


In other words, it started getting bad in your relationship before OM started showing interest in your W.

Do you understand that?

yes, but i think the increase of friends was him and not actually friends. before the om it was maybe once a week if not once every 2. that really doesnt seem excessive. If you were happily married i dont see any alarm here before the A. But what do i know?

Our stories are similar, Lost. If she's spending rec time out with her girlfriends once a week, and she's really a looker, this is risky behavior IMO.

Seems to me, in such a situation your M would have to be airtight and that's a risk not worth taking. Men like lookers. Guys will seek out and flirt with lookers--regardless of whether either of them is taken or not. Men flirting with your wife without you there is risky. One of the big talks my W (who is also quite a looker) and I are having, is dealing with her individual rec nights with friends. While we're not forbidding them completely, they need to be with friends/family I trust explicitly, she needs to be in contact with me, and they need to be infrequent--once a month or less. I'm not even sure if the Harleys would like THAT, but we're just starting these negotiations.

It feels like playing Russian Roulette, otherwise. Your WW has proved she has poor boundaries. Why stay in a marriage where, once a week, you'll be wringing your hands while waiting for her to come home and HOPING nothing bad happened? Isn't that more stress than you want to handle? That will make it tough to heal.

As an extreme introvert, I'm just curious - and a little naive...

When people are talking about 'going out with friends', does this mean to bars? And drinking alcohol at bars?

Others can weigh in as well, but for my W and I, we rarely go to bars or places that exist for the sole purpose of drinking.

If it's a bar at all, it's a karaoke bar--my W is a singer by profession and loves singing. I also lump "going out" together with going to friend's houses or going to other kinds of events.

Thanks - that seems reasonable.

Early in my marriage, when I would meet friends, it would be at a restaurant for coffee and dessert. There was never an atmosphere that promoted flirting or getting unwanted attention, so I was a little confused.

This might have something to do with the very normal reaction that comes when you have apparently stepped away from the brink of the cliff. Anger and shock. Like finding you 6 year old in your car with the car keys, getting ready to start the car..you are afraid first, and act quickly, then later you get angry at them. They knew better, but they chose foolishly, to act on rebellion against your rules, and do what they felt like.

It is not far from what adults do when they stray from Gods leading, as we are His children.

We attach a lot of security to believing our spouses represent God in our lives, though it can be said we are allways learning about what God means to us, the direct betrayal still hurts deeply.


In short, getting sick and reacting to the shock of this is normal Lostman, along with the anger and fear that might follow for some time after. Your wife can help as she defogs, and objective truth from God and friends will help also. If she gets honest and remorsful and fights for your marriage, you can overcome this together in time, and this area where you were attacked can bring you closer, if both of you are willing to let it.

If she can humble herself and submit to God, and use the tools found here.

OK Lostman.. God Bless

Well she came home with a better attitude and has made tried to repair some of the damage with one sister and brother n law. She seems to be on track to do the right thing, she was wanting to call the other mans wife and try to apologize for what she has done. I suggested that if they were going to meet, it be at our house. She has not been able to leave out house yet nor has she asked to. She has canceled some plans for tomorrow to meet with a photographer friend and she has forfitted a lot of responsibilities at the school.

When she went out with friends it would be dinner and movie or go to there house. Never bars.

She seemed good last night and worse today. I know she will have ups and downs as will i, but its hard to deal with. She still seems kinda cold inside to me, and although she says she is changing inside i still have not felt much remorse or a sincere apology to me. I confronted her on this a little tonight and she was defensive. I have taken her cell phone away for good, i will check messages and give her important ones. She has seemed okay with this.

I just feel that road to recovery may be more than i can deal with. I will continue to try, but dang. She enjoyed the counselor. She said he has been the best person to talk to so far, so that is good. she is going back next week and i need to schedule a time to see him as well.

So you have decided to not use DR H and marrige builders to recover.

Well, hmm,, Lost, I wish I could convince you of how much of a mistake that will be. I want you guys to fully recover, and I know what he teachs works, and most MCs don't have a clue how to build back loving relationships, they ussually facilitate friendly divorce.

As far as you feeling that recovery is more than you can deal with, you are not alone in that, that too will take time, and she must work towards helping you heal. It does happen BTW.

It kinda scares me that she likes the counselor, maybe they pacify her, maybe not, IDK, but if they don't have a plan like Harleys, I wouldn't trust it. Maybe thats why it bugs you.

Glad she is behaving better, and complient to the rules. I hope you take the time to read DR Hs bio and decide to use his recovery methods. It requires two people to work and save a marriage, not a counsellor to stamp it with a death certificate.

And it doesn't matter to me if they are clergy, they too can be wrong.

Good Luck and God Bless Lostman.

Today is just a mess. She was home working all day around the house, but little contact with me. today she went to church with my 2 middle children as my oldest is sick. She said she was doing okay but i knew it was a lie. ww said its taking all she has to not think of om and the truthfully she wands a Divorce and go with him, but she cant leave her kids. This is the first time D was mentioned throught this. She told me shes not going anywhere and she is going to try.

She also started communicating things that have led to this on my part. this was all because of me trying to ger info, not because she volunteered. Part progress here and part kick in the groine.

The counselor is one that is out of town that comes highly recommended from friends of the family that have gone through this. This counselor has also had his wife do the same to him in the past. I dont believe he will be one sided in this situation.

lm, this doesn't sound like a mess at all. It sounds like a pretty routine withdrawal.


Most counselors are worthless because they don't know how to save marriages. If you are going to a counselor, I would ask him if he knows how to restore the love to your marriage and ----->real important----> WHAT IS HIS PLAN TO ACHIEVE THAT?

Does he understand the wayward fogginess? Does he place any value on discussing childhoods? I would tread very cautiously when choosing a counselor because they usually cause more harm than good when dealing with a fogged out wayard. They don't understand the fog and because of that, will help the WW make life changing decisions based on a very temporary state of mind.

For example, if your W tells this C she wants a divorce, will he help her get that? Or will he recognize her current desire for a D is based on a very temporary state of mind? I would be careful here because you might end up divorced if you end up wtih the TYPICAL marriage counselor.

Good questions melodylane. with the references i have i cannot believe that would even be an issue. I will ask him these questions on my one on one. I have had enough of a beat down that i really cant take much more. right now i have some hope with the counselor and i trust my inlaws recommendation. This is what i have to go with. Keep encouraging me as i need it. Im barely getting a pulse with her now and i need support.