"All carrott, no stick" won't work any better than "All stick".

DEEEEEEEEP down inside, we all want to feel needed, even your WW, and having her BH desperately trying to win her back(???? - Hey, she's the one who should be winning YOU back!) has got to be an ego-stroke that she's going to get REAL comfortable with, REAL fast. Whether the BS can endure the disrespect while the WS discovers the forward-path truth below is probably the key variable in whether infidelity-impacted marriages survive or dissolve.

A month ago, your very attractive wife was living large - being wined, dined, and boned by a well-built Adonis while LM was being the dutiful hubby. Then, with exposure, reality came crashing down, her reputation is shot, lover-boy is gone, and she's expected to assume the role of husband/mother, with all the pains that come with it - plus some that didn't have to exist.

She's demonstrating the inability to accept the fact that the door through which she came from that fantasy existence is "One Way". If she doesn't like THIS lifestyle, going back to that one is not an option for her. Her only paths forward are:

• Start working with you to rebuild the marriage she tried so assiduously to destroy
• Either make the decision herself, or cause you make the decision through her inaction, to end the marriage.

From out here, the reported depth of her "fantasy-fueled outlook" (AKA "the fog"), and your increasingly despondant postings, would indicate that the vector is not good for you sticking it out untill WW gets her cranium out from between her nether-cheeks.

So, either you find a way to re-invigorate your own psyche (religion, IC), or turn up the heat on the WW's dissolution-outlook engine, which seems to be stuck in neutral right now.

How to Get Through Withdrawal
In R.J.'s case, his feelings for his wife are as bad as they have ever been. In the case of M.S.'s husband, he is suffering so much that he can no longer make love to his wife, something that had always come very easily to him in the past. What is happening to these men?
They are experiencing symptoms of withdrawal from the addiction they have to their lovers. As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.
But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.
Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.
Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade. It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.
There's a sense in which M.S.'s husband was in withdrawal even before M.S. discovered
the affair. As soon as the move was made, he became depressed, and what M.S. noticed the most was his lack of interest in sex. Depression will do that to you (and so will anti-depressant medication -- one of it's only side effects is a loss of sex drive).
If M.S.'s husband were to avoid talking to his lover for three weeks, it's likely that his sex drive would start to return, since the worst symptoms of withdrawal would probably have ended. He has a long history of sexual interest in his wife, and I guarantee that he will eventually do just fine in bed.
The problem that R.J. may soon face is that his wife's cheerful attitude will wear thin. There's no telling how much longer she can try to please him without an approving response from him. Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better. It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care. And that will be the subject of next week's column: Learning to meet each other's needs after an affair.


Withdrawl


Lost

You will have to test the waters so to speak and see when and if she is receptive to letting you meet her needs. Your only one week into withdrawl so give it some time and see what works. The picture could be quite different in few weeks if she is really on board with Recovering the M.

nESRE

Thanks i needed to here this. She went out without calling me today while i was at work. I knew she was leaving to take care of errands, but still she didn't call and she was supposed to. reports were all over the place of where she was. i have cell phone so no calling her. i was pissed and hurt, but finally found out she was on the up and up. she just didn't call. I need her to know she needs to stay for the fam. just don't want to give in to her crap. I feel this is a critical stage as she wants to stay and work on things and i want to be able to handle this properly.

Boy, you keep sounding like me. When I finally got my W to agree to not leave, I felt like I was spinning my wheels and wasting valuable time. I kept thinking, hurry up! We've got to get started on this now Now NOW!! But all I heard was, "I'm here for the kids" and a lot of "I don't knows" thrown in for good measure. Lots of ups and downs and I started to question if I'd done the right thing.

But, I finally figured out that she just didn't have it in her to connect. She missed her OM. As bad as it was, I had to be patient and just do what I could. For me, once NC actually stuck, she came around and now we're actually both working on this marriage. But we're still only a month into it and it feels like years have passed. It's just going to take a while to mend the damage that we caused over the last several years.

I know it's lousy advice, but patience is the key for the immediate future. You've got a lot going for you.

i had a lot going for me. I had a talk tonight and think everything went down the tubes. She knows the right thing to do is stay here and work on this marriage. She knows that is what god wants her to do. She knows that it would be best for our kids. But, she does not want to stay, she wants om and my kids. Even went as far enough to tell me she had talked about it to him about my family living together with him part time and he wanted that. WTF. She claims she is trying, but it is not working for her. she wants him and our kids. WTF. i lost it. she has no remorse and shes not affraid to show it. She wants me to hate her so she can leave. She was brutal. I tried to get her to at least pray about it(shes been in church all her life). She was so cold it aint funny. Im stuck here. She hasnt contacted him since last thursday, thats when her folks took her, but i think shes on the verge and she told me she was.

I do not want my kids anywhere near this guy. Now what? She is in full resentment of her family and wants nothing to do with them. Do i call in another intervention? I feel worse now then when exposed.

She is like a child thats not going to do what is right. She is playing with fire with me when she starts messing with my kids and another man. I have not deserved any of this. My family is not messed up. Not an alcholic or abusive. Ive supported her for the last 9 years and she is a stay at home mom. I've delt with her good years and bad, through her depression, through her family troubles and 2 miscarriages. I dont get it. Ive always loved her and this is how im repaid. I could kill someone right now.

She said she would still go to counciling just to go. what the hell do you do. I think there may be some PMS envolved, but dang this was a bad night.

Hang in there , the children stay with you , be firm with that and ensure she understand this in no uncertain terms.

She is going through some serious withdrawal and like most WS thinks you can agree with her terms, if she continues like this send her back to her parents. You cannot and must not place your children at risk , waywards do stupid things who knows what is on her mind.

I hear you lost, but trust me, you don't wanna kill anybody ok?

Ever see "The count of Monte Cristo"? He was a man jailed unrighteously to cover up other peoples deeds. The last lesson the priest told him as the priest was dieing in prison was, "Don't ever make the mistake of commiting the crime you were wrongly accused of"

Don't let this treachery twist you lost, your a better man that that.

You can find all through this site men who have suffered this kind of pain, good men too. I can relate. Your not alone in this. I could tell you storys about how far my WW went also, as she ran away from the truth, and she was also going to church.

Do something to relax, and do not forget, she cannot hide from God, and the truth will find her out. Let God exact His vengence, and you seek peace, this is not your fault.

Hang tight on the children issue, and get your ducks in a row in case she decides to leave. I suggest a bull-dog lawyer, and lots of proof of the affair.

I forget did you call and talk to DR H?

All this BS she spouting is very normal fogbabble and called "Alien-speak" here. Don't let it hurt you or shake you.

Hang in there brother.

Really now, what God does she worship? I think that if she ever gets alone with God, really, she might grow up.

Right now she is fooling herself, if she thinks she can leave and have any peace with God. Shes really messed up.

You're still watching her, right? Keylogger?


My vote is to call her parents again (Others may say different?) just to fill them in and keep them in the loop. Tell them what she said about taking the kids to live with OM. For me, my in-laws were my best allies and we talked all the time about what was going on and they talked to her.

It's normal BS that she's spouting and she's mad at you for disrupting her fantasy of a "dual-home" situation, or whatever that crap is. You're less than a week since contact, and, from here, what you're telling us sounds normal.

Thank you all so much. I did call her dad this morning and he was going over to talk to her anyway and now he knows how my night was. But that is not info that will be shared with her. there involvement is pushing her farther. My inlaws both came to me and said she may be our daughter but you are our son. we are on your side all the way. they will do everything in there power to help me.

He sounds tactful, and it's good that they are on your side.

Refresh my memory-- do you have a keylogger watching her on the computer?

no i don't. ive been checking the history and there is nothing alarming. And she doesn't know i check that at all. This has never been an issue. it was and always has been on the cell phone.

She has zero allies in this except for OM. She will literally loose all her family and friends and she knows this. Hello wake up WW

Maybe she learned how to delete internet history?

Just thinking out loud here, playing devil's advocate.

i gotcha, thats for sure a possibility. what is a good logger to install. i really dont think its an issue, but i will try to cover my bases.

www.spectorpro.com Get the eblaster.

If her main 'avenue' of contact has been eliminated (phone) she may find another way to get her drug. Don't disregard this.

www.eblaster.com

Costs $100, takes about 15-minutes to install. It'll give you a list of files to exclude from antivirus and Windows Defender scans. You'll need to input those into those programs' exception lists.

MB, maybe we should get a commission from eblaster?

LOL! I'd be a wealthy woman! And I don't typically push any particular products - but if FB is a demon, then spectorpro is an angel.