|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
For those who enjoy ridiculing someone who doesn't swallow the whole package go for it. For the 2 above, I appreciate the more constructive responses. Goomeri - you won't find any support here if you want to do MB-Lite because we KNOW that doesn't work. It's your life and your marriage. If you are so smart you clearly don't need our advice but don't expect us to water down what we know works just to suit your sensibilities and preconceived ideas.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/img/md11.jpg) The experts behind this web site.(It's NOT the kool-aid, it's the Harley's)
Last edited by Pepperband; 02/28/11 07:00 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
Everything I've read says the first rule of rebuilding a marriage after an affair is that he should have no contact with the non-spouse. ...
I'm no social scientist, Goomeri. All I can offer you is my own experience. I was in an emotional affair, and thought I could break it off while remaining in regular contact with the other woman. Suffice to say it didn't work out so well... almost cost me my marriage & all that really mattered to me....how can I grit my teeth for many months when he has to be in contact (albeit only by email and perhaps 1-2 phone calls)?...
I am sorry that your H's bad choices have put the two of you in a place where you are faced with difficult choices. You don't deserve to be in this spot. Yet here you are. You need to plot your next steps from where you are, not from where you wish you were.
If you love your husband, and want your marriage to be great, then you're going to grit your teeth when he's in contact with the woman with whom he allowed himself to form an intimate emotional bond -- no way around it. If you decide that you can't embrace that choice, then you'll find that you might benefit from the very solid advice here, which is designed to deal with root causes, not to be a palliative for mere symptoms.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
I guess if you've taken the Harley Drug you disagree with that. This is a very interesting phrase for someone who has been here for 24 hours and has consistently rejected all advice given by the posters here and disagrees vehemently with the owner of this site.  Huh. Please read the links that Pepperband posted for you. They may be in instructive.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
I guess if you've taken the Harley Drug you disagree with that. This is a very interesting phrase for someone who has been here for 24 hours and has consistently rejected all advice given by the posters here and disagrees vehemently with the owner of this site. Huh. Please read the links that Pepperband posted for you. They may be in instructive. There are DRUGS in the Harley Koolaid?!? I never knew. Oh well, if that's the case: Hi. My name is PrincessMeggy and I am a Harleyolic. /TJ
Last edited by princessmeggy; 02/28/11 08:54 PM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
It seems your are more concerned with your WH's loss of status and downsizing of his income which will lower your standard of living.
You going to every conference will fail because you will become complacent, tired of going to them, and other family duies conflicting with your ability to go and baby sit WH.
Your presence will only prevent WH and OW from doing the mattress tango.
Your presence will still allow contact, watching each other's presentations, even if just visual contact, any contact will only cause them to remember all the good feelings, memories, desires that they have for each other.
This contact will cause them to act on their feelings once you let your guard down.
NC is a must.
Exposing the OWH is a must. Have you told the OWH yet?
As to being a biology teacher being a let down. Well your WH won't have to do no more over night travels.
They opportunity to impact and motivate young people to persue biology and scientific careers is not a step down. And there are suburban areas that pay teachers $100,000 to $150,000 a year, outstanding benefits, pensions where they can retire with payments equaling 68% of their gross with health care.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Tawandabelle, yes I agree, he's not Marie Curie. But his profession is integral who who HE is, that is, take that away and much of his identity would be gone. That's a pretty shallow view of him. I should make it clear the HS teacher suggestion came from him. He is prepared to do that I believe. Then let the man do what it takes to protect himself, you and your marriage. They live on different continents. They work at different places. It doesn't matter. EAs flourish even with thousands of miles between the two. You can't continue to dangle the drug in front of the addict and expect him to ever recover. You think you're being kind by insisting he keep this job. And he'll lose his identity unless he remains in his current career? Do you have any idea what an addiction does to a person? He's already lost his identity. He probably has no idea who he is anymore. All he knows is that he WANTS her -- she feeds the craving of his addiction. And even if he can never have her in his bed, just being allowed to see her, maybe even say hello to her, will be enough for a small high. He will resent you for getting in his way and only letting him taste the drug (see her) and never letting him completely take her. You can't continue to dangle the drug in front of the addict and expect him to ever recover. No one is that strong. You think you're being kind to him -- you are being cruel. Draw a firm line of No Contact, and he will recover. You will recover. Your marriage will recover. Take the drug away, Goomeri! Don't insist he keep taking it!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
Everything I've read says the first rule of rebuilding a marriage after an affair is that he should have no contact with the non-spouse.
My husband had an emotional affair with one of his students (she's our age, it wasn't exploitative in my view). She has moved away, but he has professional responsibilities to continue to supervise her until she graduates in about 4 months' time. If he doesn't it will have major consequences for her career and she's likely to make an issue of it with the university who in turn will cause major consequences for him (though not sacking, it will make it very difficult to continue to work in his specialist field).
I don't want him to have to leave his profession, he's spent 15 years working to get there and I've made considerable sacrifices to enable him to do so.
But how can I grit my teeth for many months when he has to be in contact (albeit only by email and perhaps 1-2 phone calls)? He says he is happy to copy me in on all communication but of course that's no guarantee.
Then there is the fact that in a small professional specialty there will be conferences over the years where inevitably they'll both be going. I know just about all my husband's colleagues in the world in his field, that's how small it is. How will I cope if he has to go to conferences 3-4 times a year where I know she will be there?
I know the advice is universal - no contact, ever. I desperately want my marriage to work (again). How can we make that happen given our constraints? I was thinking of saying if he gave up the conferences for this year we could reassess next year? Why are you here? All you've done since you've been here is argued with us. There are probably other infidelity sites out there that state a WS can have C with the AP, it's not a big deal (I'd pay attention to how those marriages and the BS is recovering if I were you, but that's beside the point). So, why are you here? It's more than a little obnoxious for a newbie to come here and begin arguing with the program right off the bat.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (1 invisible),
230
guests, and
64
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
