Thanks Limbo.

Well, as the day is unfolding, I find myself amazed at how humourous I find this.

So, now she's spouting off to the world that, she's done research and found out that the apartment is not good (I'm sure I tipped her off with my FB post last night. Mutual friends are dwindling). She only said yes so fast so she could prove that she had a roof for DS (nevermind the fact that she actually took him there). Now, she's going to move into a house with one of her male "friends" who has 2 daughters. And that will be cheaper, and better for DS. Better? Yes. Let's move in with a totally DIFFERENT male. That's definitely good for him....

Also, it appears that I'm controlling "everything", including DS. DS is also "stressed" b/c I'm a "now compassionate and thoughtful father". And, my absolute favorite: I'm "brainwashing" him. Apparently, teaching values is bad...

Anyone know the trick to speed up time?

Find something new to do, a new game that's a timewaster or something. I recommend a videogame or two. Something lengthy, like Super Mario World, or Final Fantasy VI, or something.

I start playing either one and the day zooms by.

Or if that's too young for you, try reading some of the Crazy Stuff Waywards say posts, I'm sure that will make your day go by faster.

I need some no spin zone...

Here is the lastest from STBX:

Yet another time I am using all of my strength to not get into a knock-out "discussion" about the situation. Kind of funny, how you weren't saying any of this 4 days ago...or 4 months ago. Guess we were too busy worrying about ourself.

Following my own advice to MJ. WOOOOSSSAAAA. WOOOOOSSSSAAAA.

Was that from the film Bad Boys?



Yes you do. You'll be amazed at the peace and clarity that will come, in time, when you're not living with someone who will spin anything and everything in an attempt to throw all blame on you. It'll be like releasing toxins from the inside out. The adjustment of living without my spouse came first, then the cleansing. It's a been a process, that I didn't accomplish alone.

A suggestion would be to keep communication about anything, including your son, to a minimum with her. Even if you live in the same house, you could do most of your communicating via e-mail during office hours.

In the evenings, I'd try to do things with your son outside the house as much as possible. I'd leave room for her to have time with him as well. But when it's her time with him, you can make yourself scarce. If you're not doing this already, it'll be good practice, and could help ease your son into the transition when she really does move out. I hate this for all of you.

It's all about the art of detachment for you, and I know you're getting there, but it's harder when you have to communicate about your son and she's laying blame bombs on you. Do not let her dictate who you are.

Let her deal with her waywardness, while you have some fun, relaxation, learning new things, grow emotionally, spiritually, and physically. If you're busy doing all of that, you won't have as much time dodging her and her criticisms of you.

Maybe you can take a few days and go on a road trip? Get away and clear your head? Woooosssaaa.

Yeah,

So I just got finished with the "conversation". It was mostly a blame bomb (I like that one) fest.

What you have described MJ, is what I've been doing. But, this of course was done "wrong" as well. Apparently, I am grabing control of him too much. I don't know. Guess, I should just let him not listen to her, and not do what he needs to do, and allow him to stay up till 10 o'clock...just so that I don't step on her toes when she can't get him to listen to her. Their Mexican stand-offs are epic... I can usually difuse them in about 2 minutes. Respect. It's a wonderful thing.

And apparently, DS's recent behavior is all because I've been doing too much with him. Oh, and the fact that she's hardly around has nothing to do with it. And I got the knock for "giving too much". I had to laugh on that one. I simply reminded her of how everytime she show's up, DS's first words are "What did you bring me?".

She also let me know, that what I perceive to be the first time, DS stated "Aggh. I hate it when he's here. I wish he would go to work." when they got home today. Once again, I got to point out that for the past 3 years (since she returned from her 4 week disappearance), I get to answer "Where's momma?" at least 3 times a day. And that he's stated to me a few times "I'm never going to see momma again, am I?". I then offered my opinion on why he would say all of these things. In summary, he's obviously never "gotten over" her disappearance 3 years ago, and he's scared it's about to happen again; so if he creates a conflict with me in her eyes, maybe momma will stay around to protect him. Just as if he continously tells me that he misses her, I'll go to her and try to keep her around. But, I get that idea from my "silly books" and personal experience. Which is stupid, because it doesn't come from the heart.

She of course still has nothing to offer on the custody front, other than she wants "to be happy". Tomorrow, is not going to be fun. And this mediator is going to have thier hands full. She did let me know that she's not moving into that apartment. But, of course didn't say where she's planning on moving.

We also started to touch on some non-DS things. Like how I've not made her feel welcome in the house. Yep. Got me there. You're not.

In closing, I told her that I have never, and will never use DS as a pawn. Beit for revenge, or what I want, or whatever. And that I will continue to reaffirm to him that his mother loves him, and he should love his mother. She will not see this.

In summary, and in my opinion, she simply can't deal with what she's created. And, short of agreeing with her to run off with DS (and probably paying for it), I will be taking him away from her. Guilt...that ish will drag you down deep.

ROFLMAO! Did you tell her that?



This woman is grasping at straws, trying to portray herself as the good mom, and blaming you because she's not. And the guilt is fueling it.

I think waywards are in some kind of dark pit, and I feel dirty when I'm in the pit with them. I just want to climb out and wash myself off. The selfishness that they reek, feels like evil trying to pull you down with them. What a dark pit, with too heavy a load for the weak to climb out of. Reminds me of the childhood chant, "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya".

Until your wife becomes a humble, remorseful, and selfless soul, her opinions are sketchy. Think "weeding".

Yessum. She of course tried to play it off like she didn't want to be here. She also made some comment how she was here all weekend alone. I responded with, "Noone said you had to stay here".


Yeah. What helps me see through it, is the fact that these "emotions" and "worries" don't surface until a week before mediation. While I would never say she's a flat-out unfit mother, I also will not say that our goals and practices for how DS is raised are in alignment. See, when I talk to my child about "treat others how you want to be treated", I actually believe it and live it. It all comes down to walking the walk...



I try not to grapple with all of this. It boggles my mind yes. And this is definitely not the woman I fell in love with. Or, as I'm learning, the IMAGE of the woman I fell in love with.

What can ya do? I'm tired of rehashing the past, and playing this tit-for-tat game. I just want to keep moving forward.

EDIT:
Oh, and the last thing I read before my FB viewing privilidges were removed, was that she was going to pray to God tonight. While that is admirable and contrite, I just don't see it. I hope that He can help guide her, as I have tried with Him. But, I'm not sure she's up to the task. I have also blocked her on FB. It's long overdue...

LMAO!


I guess she would be worrying about how the court sees her as a mother right about now.....



I remember feeling very sad when I realized I was in love with an image.



An aquaintance of mine, who is a also a counselor, told me today that with my stbx being in the place that he is, this divorce is like a mercy divorce for me. He's not fit for a mature relationship, so show me mercy and get out.

There's so much about divorce and the ending of our relationship that I hate. But I don't hate those things as much as I love being away from his disrepect, selfishness, and deceit. I feel like God is having mercy on me.

So...that was a waste of mine, the court's, and my attorney's time.

The mediator rescheduled our hearing, because STBX still lives in the house. Lawyer tried to get the mediator to go ahead and proceed, so that WHEN STBX moves out, the aggreement will be in place. No go. Get to wait another 30 days. Meh.

Beer will be consumed tonight.

And now I'm a prude I guess. STBX just got back with DS6 from a "family restraunt" (becomes a bar at 10PM). She took him to see a local band she likes. It is 9:45PM.

Of course, she didn't inform me herself. I got to hear it from DS as I was telling him it was time to take a shower. After stepping outside to collect my thoughts, I came back in and again stated that it was time to take a shower (we were outside in the dirt ALL DAY). STBX immediately comes downstairs to defend her actions. In summary, I basically just stated my disapproval. But, of course, in this Limbotic state I can't really do anything otherwise. Legally at least. So, I just gave her some rope...it will be used to defend my position later. He is now finally in bed to goto sleep, at 10:15PM. Why 30 minutes after returning home you ask? Because DS still needed to get his pajamas on, brush his teeth, and get in the bed which took 20 minutes since I didn't intervene when STBX couldn't get DS to follow direction. Then she read him a story; we normally don't read books to him when it's late. But, gotta top of the night with a "good mother" polish. And STBX is leaving to go back and party.

When does this ride end?

Also, DS is exhibiting signs of conflict with me when STBX is around. Apparently, the other day he said to STBX, as they arrived to the house after school, "Agghh, I hate it when he's here. I wish he would go to work.". He said this upon seeing my car in the garage. This is the first time he's ever said anything like this about me. He was giving me the same kind of treatment after STBX got home from work today, and tonight during the "discussion" about taking DS to the bar. Of course, it makes me wonder what/if STBX is saying to him. When I told her that I knew she took him to the playground at the apartment she got (which she has backed out of, after my tip-off of the registered sex offender living there), she swore she didn't tell DS to keep it a secret; even though he wouldn't tell me they went. When I told DS I knew, he looked scared. (NOTE: The apartment conversations happened earlier this week)

Of course, I also have been questioning myself. Am I causing this? Is my detachment, and the silence and non-verbal communication that goes with it, a factor? DS STILL has not been told what is happening (by me/us), since STBX is still in the house and I/we don't know when she'll be leaving. I'm starting to think we/I should just go ahead and tell him.

I don't like dealing with a child-like, selfish adult... The funny thing is, I think she's trying to play the good mommy again. Since the legal process is catching up. To be honest, I like it for the benefit of DS. But, I don't agree with everything she's doing with him, which I know I probably never will.

But, I will not let tonight's events deter me from handing over STBX's Mother's Day card that DS and I got the other day. I of course, am no where on the card. But, DS needs to learn from ME that it's the right thing to do. I do not expect it to reciprocated on Father's Day. Just like it wasn't on my birthday.

Ok...I think I'm done thinking out loud for now. Somebody turn the light on at the end of the tunnel...I can't really see it right now.

EDIT:
I'm pretty sure STBX believes that DS's recent "conflict" behavior with me is my fault. She probably thinks it's because of my "control" and what she stated as "doing too much with him". Of course, I'll be doing some of that "silly reading" to try and maybe see why. She'll just keep "following her heart"...since that's all that is required with parenting. I have been pondering the past couple of days about why I have been doubting my actions. This of course started after we had a conversation the night before mediation. Obviously, I'm still not detached...

{{{Itsa}}}

It's late here, and I just wanted to check in quickly before I headed off to bed. I so badly want to be involved with all of these threads. I've been working/playing every night for the past three nights in a row due the "big" event at work today, and the pre-events that came before it.

I just wanted to pop in a turn on a light for you. There's a fire in your soul that I know is there, the one that desires to get past this part, the hardest part. That fire in your soul has allowed you to get this far, and it'll light the way for you always. If it ever gets snuffed out, we'll light a fire under your [censored] for you...always.

I'll bring the matches...

Kids don't say "I wish he was back at work" unless they've heard the same thing from an adult. They just don't.
From what I can tell, you're giving your stbWx wayyyyyy too much credit: she is dishonest as the day is long, she is extremely irresponsible, she is NOT a good parent (but she wants desperately to make her son think she is), and her contempt for you is rubbing off on your son. She is keeping secrets with him and that is a immature simple-minded way for someone to have control over someone else. Because there is ambiguity for him, he will believe whatever solid statements are made to him by either parent, and I can only imagine the things she is telling him about you.

So, NO you are not "causing this." But I believe your relatively passive role is allowing it to happen. IIWY I would start trying to re-estblish some real trust with D6, let him know you're in his corner, be gentle, patient, caring, and protective. Ask questions and just listen but don't react to anything at this point. Just show him he can talk to you about anything. You can't change stbWxw's behavior or anything else, but you can be the strong sensible parent who makes your son feel safe when he's with you (do you think kids feel "safe" out till 945 when mom is spending most of her time chatting with OM or a bunch of GF's?).

Waywards are all the same and they do not make good parents.
Your son desperately needs a STABLE parent with strong quiet moral character.

opt

Thanks opt.

I have been "ramping up" my efforts to get him to share his thoughts, feelings, and emotions. He has started to take to it, and I have shown him that I won't get mad if he says something that I may not like.

As with marriage, I know it's the marathon that counts...not the sprints.

Hope everyone had a good Mother's Day.

And in comical news this morning, I woke up to this note next to my coffee pot.

The car is not where she told DS she was going last night. After telling him she wasn't making him dinner, since she was leaving. More than likely, it's at her new boyfriend's house.

Why am I laughing at this?

Because you are being treated like "Hop-sing?". Indentured Servitude?. Yeah the take for granted steamroller of using you and imbalance is one of the indicators of a Wayward mindset. She has figured you owe her, and she is making all the rules up as she goes along.

Your laughing because you have some sense still in your head. Its proven that what makes us laugh is things that dont add up or make sense to us, like at the punch-line of a joke. If you could encapsulate your experience in a few words, (The betrayal, pain, and broken trust), and tell the story to someone outside in an objective setting highlighting personal resposibility and duty, accountability to others, and just plain manners, that would get most people to laugh. It means you make sense. Its not funny now, but you will think it is later, even though this is a tough time for you personnally.

I still can see some humor in stuff like that that has happened to me mixed with my own emotions and a painful time. The farther away you get from it emotionally and objectivity is gained, the easier it becomes, as you dismiss its selfishness and the pain associated with it.

OK Itsa, now I know you probably were asking that question without really needing it answered,(Whats the word for that?), but there again is some humor if it wasn't for the situation you are in and the details that surround your life right now. Wouldn't a re-write of that note that was more appropiate be..


Well that would reflect someone different now wouldn't it Itsa? How rude was it that she could not at least say please, sorry for the inconvience, thank you?

More selfish Wayturd behavior, been there on both side at times in my life, being screwwed over for real, and sometimes just having selfish demands brewed out of my own head. The ability to not care what others are going through, is manufactured from within.

I will read your thread Itsa, but I gotta ask, has she allways had these selfish tendancys? Has she exhibited extreme symtoms of them like retreating into substance abuse or what many could "high maintenance" behavior if not drugs themselves?

Whats her excuse?

CP,

Thanks for stopping by.

I asked her where the car was (text). All I receieved was a super vague answer on it's location. This is the car she drives that had a dead battery. As the day went on, I began to wonder if I was interpreting the note correctly. So, I sent her a text that the note was confusing, and if she was expecting me to fix the car. I have yet to receive a reply...

Take the silence for whatever you will. Either, she was expecting I would, or if not, she figures that she doesn't owe me a response.

It really makes no difference to me. She's the one who will need to make sure she gets to work tomorrow. My bridge is THOUROUGHLY burned...

The thing that still continues to baffle me, is that someone can flat out lie to their child about where they are going; and somehow think that is fine. I know if I had to lie about something when I'm leaving DS's pressence, I would probably keep myself from doing it. But, that's what honest people do. Honest, STBX is not.

I know my reactionary actions and self-doubt of recent are because of our "conversation" last week. Triggerville, is no fun!! But, just one of the obstacles in my life right now. Keep moving forward...

My response would be "No, can't help today" written at the bottom of the note.

And, yes, it's funny in a sad, twisted sort of way. WSs are just a little crazy.

So, the battery seems to be fine...

Anyone want a lost puppy? It keeps stinking up my house...

Is that a dig towards your "lost W"? Becuase I could see how it was stinking up the place.


So here it goes again, WTF was she talking about, if the car is fine?

Yup , the sooner you don't have to deal with that kind of crap, the better.

Just like rebelious teenagers aren't they? Like bringing up somebody elses kid.

Sorry Itsa your goin thru this but it gets better in time.