L3:

If only folks would see what happens in an affair as detailed in your thread. They would KNOW that the future isn't a bed of roses.

He threw it ALL AWAY. And he can't even look in the mirror, because the monster that reflects back CAN'T be HIM!

I would recommend NOT being in the house if he wants to collect other things in the future. Or, just asking for a list and you ship it to him. Keep him out of YOUR HOUSE.

(((LLL)))

LG

I guess the truth is I keep expecting him to be like the man I knew before all of this mess. I am shocked everytime I hear what he's doing or when I very rarely see him. He is a changed person and I guess I still don't get it.

I will take extreme precautions not to see him again and do as you recommend LG. I thought maybe he was a reasonable person like he used to be and we could at least occasionally see each other in certain circumstances without drama. Apparently not.

I was upset by this last evening but finally with a knock on the head from my sister realize he's gone, the man I knew is not there and his anger toward me is displaced because he will not blame himself for the mess his life is now. In some ways I feel sorry for him. I wonder if he had a mental breakdown. But I do not own his choices. He made his, I made mine.

The characteristic/quality which is MOST likely to make people happy?

Wanting what we have.

You have that.
The Professor? Umm mm, not so much.

People who are never satisfied with what they already have, are seldom satisfied at all.

hi ladylonglegs,
Just read through your story and I feel for you with everything you have had to deal with in the last year, a lot for someone to live through.
You sound like a very strong woman that has been forced to deal with a lot because of your husband's choices......
He is angry now but it's really at himself, he knows that his decisions were not in his best interests and he knows he has lost his life because of his selfishness......
You did what you were forced to do, he was clear in the beginning what else could you do.....
I'm glad you are finding some calm to your life now......
Don't take on anymore of his baggage, that's up to him, I understand it's tough to watch someone you have loved for so long, become a lesser version of a man....
No one knows what will happen in the future, it's all raw right now......keep an open mind and figure out what you want out of life right now, I'm 53 as well and not willing to waste anymore of my life, my husband had an affair after 27 years of marriage......with a co-worker as well, he is also a well know man in the community we live in and has felt the brunt on his professional life as well as personal......it's surprises me to this day that this is the path he took.......nothing good came out of it, except a lot of hurt for two families for a selfish act.........
Life is a long time to live and I guess we all live it with some mistakes......maybe it's time for forgiveness and healing ...........this is for you and maybe just understanding that he is human and right now has lost his sense of self......hopefully he will get help for himself to deal with his anger and he can get to a healthier place in his life, I'm sure he thinks he has screwed things up royally and could never admit because his pride won't let him, it doesn't mean he isn't regretful or remorseful......
good luck and take care of yourself..........you are a strong woman with self respect, we all could use a little more of that and I drew some strength for myself reading your story.......thanks

Dear LLL:

From your first post, it has only been 7 mos and a week or so. That is not a very long time. You had a long and happy relationship with your XWH, before January. Years of memories (of the old H) do not get washed away in months. It would be unnatural if they did.

Remember, this works for him, too. Even tho he made the assinine descision to have an A, he can not erase the quality memories of your combined past either. As much as he would probably like too, now. Then he has the guilt of knowing he did this 100% himself. AND the guilt that he did this to you.
(stay with me here.)

After DD, you made exactly the right choices for you and your situation. To him must have seemed like you were bulletproof.

You came out the clear winner in this entire mess (if you can even accept that there is a winner or loser in this). Sounds like now he is regretting his choices.

Thoughts of remorce happen frequently at the 6-8 mo mark. Does not mean that anything has changed, just the brain is allowing other thoughts and fears to surface. With the A he was so confident and foggy, he was so sure of his plan!

So instead of blaming himself, he is childishly blaming you. (you came out on top..you land on your feet...yada, yada). Like you took advantage of HIM, somehow! Just sad. Never forget the entitlement of a wayward brain.

He is showing his hand of regret/bitter feelings about the D. Should you care? Take the satisfaction that this seems to be eating him up. That you were not crazy, He is regretting his choices. Many BS here never get that closure.

Keep up the posts. Any more travel plans?

He obviously thought you should have landed elsewhere, but definitely
NOT on your feet.
Evidently, landing on your feet is not a good thing...

Hi LLL. I don't think I have ever posted to you but have followed your thread since the start.



I am over 3-years divorced (26 year marriage) and know I still could not trust myself to deal with WxW without it becoming a Stalingrad-esque sniper festival. Not a good plan.

I took my pre-divorce Plan B and turned it into a total dark Plan B for life. I last spoke to her in late June of 2007 about 2-weeks after the divorce was final about the house refinance. Not a word since. She has tried to contact me either by phone or email perhaps 10 times since. I have never responded. Her last attempt was around April of 2009. I think she finally gets it.

Plan B for life. The only way to go.

Another WS going down the tubes and another BS coming out on top. He's right, you did get everything. That's just the way it works. Whatever the WS gets they squander on the A so they have nothing left in the end. While they are busy humping their way to destitution, the BS is busy recovering and finding peace.

To them who will not admit that they made a mistake, they blame the BS.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm going to nip this in the bud real fast. H emailed again and wants to come get more of his stuff. There really isn't much left here as I boxed all of his clothes and obvious possessions in the house and he got them before the D. I think I will just tell him that all further communication must go through my attorney and I will request a complete list of everything he thinks he wants and I will then with my attorney's consultation determine my response.

I will tell him this is my last communication to him and I will not speak or write to him any further. I will give him my attorney's name and phone number.

What is this activity all of a sudden? Has anyone else experienced this after a D?

It's remorse.
Seller's remorse.
Loss of "home and hearth".
Loss of family and wife. (and dogs) (and friends)
Loss of comfort and security and familiarity.

See, he's the older WH, who realizes he's going to continue to age despite a younger OW.

This is seller's remorse.
Everything he took for granted (and resented as a drag on his fun) now appears valuable.
The "stuff" he's asking for is symbolic.
He is missing his old boring life.

And, just maybe, he is missing his wife who, unfortunately, does not need him as her hero anymore. (which is why he is angry that you "landed on your feet")

He's lost.
He's looking for a home.

LLL, did you ever see this MB thread? It's titled "The Fantasy of Divorce" and may explain some of what's going on:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

I think that trip that he took weeks ago to see the OW was a rude eye opener for him, I bet she hung out with her friends and he must of felt out of place and lost....only to come back home to see you thriving, and that you have moved on with your life, without him.

He was so hellbent on leaving that he didn't see where HIS butt was landing.

Ah man, I always hate when this happens. The whole A/D thing is so sad anyway, then when the WS loses the OP and tries to come back after the BS has moved on, well, it's just d@mn sad. At least if they stay with OP it doesn't quite seem all for nothing. It almost makes me feel sorry for the WS.

He's got to be feeling pretty low about now.

All this for what? Heartbreaking.

LLL, just wanted to say thanks for popping in. I have followed your thread and check ever so often to see if there's an update. I see SO much of myself in you. I am glad to hear you went to Italy. I couldn't help but think of the movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun". I admire your strength, courage, and desire to live again, single.

FWIW, I would do JUST as you said and have no communication with your xH. He made his bed. Let him lie in it. No pun intended.

I myself admire so much how LLL handles the situation. She is so graceful and so mature. I myself although have made my mind up to divorce quickly, but I can not helping threating my s2bX that I will expose his behaviour to all his new colleagues (he since moved to a new work place) and being angry at him when I talk to him. I think my angry mainly comes from that he does not apologize to me for what pain he has caused to me and my son. But then, from reading this website, I realise that this just will not happen. Funny enough he also blames me for kicking him out of the house, rather than blaming himself for having the affair.I wish I could have LLL's graceness and not being angry any more. How can I find the peace in myself?

LLL, you are such an inspiration for me.

Checking in and update. I'm doing very well and having a good fall. Work is going very well, I'm planning more travel and I have had a couple of casual "dates" with a very nice man who is so nice......but I'm very guarded about getting involved with anyone. I'm too afraid to let myself become vulverable to anyone.....don't think I'm ever interested in marriage again....

Word on my H from mutual friends is he's withdrawn, dishelved looking, not the old self-confident guy. OW moved to new job on west coast now that she graduated and things have cooled down and H doesn't appear to leave town to visit her and others haven't seen her here....so I'm guessing she's dropped him now that she's got a new life.

I had to cut off all contact with him and he can only speak to me by going through my attorney now. He was told by attorney don't call, don't email, don't come on property or we will get restraining order. He was just too nasty when I tried to be civil and respond to his contacts.

What a difference a year can make in your life.....but I'm still glad I wasn't hanging around trying to deal with his craziness for the past year. It's been hard enough to watch it from a distance.

LLL:

What if he had waited, and not been so hasty? He may have been able to recover himself. Look how lost he is.

Sucks to be him.

Good to be LLL.

Off to play golf...

LG

thanks for the update

THIS is how most As tend to go.

OW sees if MM will leave his wife for her and when he does, WHAM.

What does she want with him? He's a CHEATER, and she knew it.

Hi LLL
I think your XWH has really had a rapid fall. I have never seen it that fast here on MB forum.
His A did not last long but in the shortest amount of time he was able to completely destroy himself.
And he was never able to humbly come to you and ask for forgiveness or to say: "I was a complete fool, what can I do to have some hope to R the M?"
How sad for him!
You seem to be doing well and I am glad. You are a strong and intelligent person
Blessing