Well, it funny that..

This is a long post, I hope it helps someone to understand how anybody can get sucked into these addictions.

I had allways played something here and there, especcially after wife started drinking again, in 2000. There was a rift that had come between us back in the mid-90s, when things were nor good, after she had started the "out of town trips to'help', her relatives", and started hanging around with a wild child. (ex?)- crack addict. One of those women who "had men all figured out", yeah a user in many terms.

In the early-90s, when IMO videos games, although attractive to me as entertainment, were put in the future because I was working on developing financial security so I could have the time for my wife and kids, which was more important to me. I worked 24-7 and denied myself that fantasy entertainment, because W could not work anywhere, without needing to get in everyones life, and go out with them to drink, or bring them to church, and get them saved. Yeah, she was allways looking for attention, and inappropiate was where she would go, if she couldn't get it otherwise. She was really insecure, and she would not admit it.

So it was up to me, not only to build a business and financial security, but also to get my wife to address her denial issues, both emotionally, and with alcohol and drugs. In the early 90s, she was not drinking, but the emotional fallout still had an effect on her life, and she walked a dangerous line. I had a plan, to stabilize our finances first,(That was part of taking care of the family right?), and when we had time, find a Christian based psycologist and marraige counsellor to make our marriage stronger, and our lives happier.

It was a good plan, and I worked hard at it, but it was unbalanced, because it was all left up to me, and I was fool enough to think I could do everything. It started to fall apart in 95, when she went to her home state and relapsed on a drinking binge. The 5 years of being a dry drunk, still living in some entitled fantasy of denial, finnally took its toll. That signaled the start of her decline, and because we/I still had no big money, and had young children that would have been messed up IMO if I just left and left them with her, I stayed and continued to beg her to see someone, and also to work myself silly, just to remain with the children and be a voice of reason and stability.

From 95 untill 2000, the kids didn't see that she was an alcholic, but then she got so bad it was obviuos. Then it got worse, as she hooked up with the girl affore-mentioned, and started drugs that she hid from us for two years, untill 2003. We had slipped into an uncomfortable life together, and I had started playing on-line to live in a world that had some control, an escapism away from the out of control life I was in, where nothing I said mattered, and in her opinion, "You don't know anything, God knows me, and I am a new creation, and you should have lots of $ by now and we should have a house. You don't trust or belive in God, that is your problem"

Funny that by that time I acted like that was true, and sorta believed it also internally. Such is gaslighting by someone who knew enough of the Bible to kill people with it. When she professed Gods grace was what saved her, but used it as a lisense to sin. She wasn't allways like that, but the fear that drove her to drugs, and then the drugs, took over her soul.

When the family fell apart and the addiction took over, we spent some time scattered as she pursued a guy after I got hurt at work and lost my job. In 2005 I got a steady job where my son and I got an apt, and my addicted wife came home and started methadone. A year or so later she stopped drinking, but was addicted to benzos. Of course the counsellors still didn't know anything, and AA or Alanon was foolish to her, and by then I was pretty worn out. After a year another accident left me out of work, and the Drs. told me not to return. I had been working with a broken foot for years, and been a diabetic for 20, so I was at home doing the housework and caring for my wife until she got her head straight again. I was/am in bad physical shape, but have worked hard even in pain most of my life, so it was time to regroup, and I had some really hurt kids to attend to also.

In 2008, my then 15 year old asked if he could play WOW. I felt it was something he could do to learn social skills. I agreed. Then between doing the dishes and housework I played a little, then I found myself playing a lot, then I became obsessed with the game. There was little I felt I could do to help my wife. She refused aggresive treatment and had destroyed any hope of honest communication we might have had, so I was waiting for her to seek help on her own, still waiting for her to be remorseful for what she put us through, so forgiveness was not lost again. She never was sorry BTW, up to the day she passed away.

In sept 2009 she was diagnosed with lung cancer, at that time, I was still playing WOW. When the gravity of her probably accually dieing hit me, all the bittereness left me, and I didn't care if she asked for this by her actions or not. I had spent way to much time in WOW, and so it was no longer a welcome distraction from a troubled relationship, it was a distraction from some hard things I had to deal with now. I don't blame WOW, but I have related that game to having a myopic escape that can turn into an obsession. Now I can't bring myself to play it, because of that place it represents to me as an unbalanced activity.


There is a young guy I know who tells his wife, "When I get home I gotta get on WOW, its important, people are waiting for me" I knew a few people who only play a couple hours a week, and don't get engrossed in the game. They are healthy, its the ones who hide in the game and it becomes who they are, that need help. Losing my objectivity from the early 90s untill 2008 came slowly and I suppose there were excuses masking as reasons, but when people are unhappy, they look for fantasies to escape.

"Without a vision the people perish". One of my favorite verses from the Bible.

I hear you CP.

Nothing and I mean nothing will come between my wife and I ever again. We still struggle to get our 15 UA but we squeak by some weeks and hit the mother lode other weeks. She refuses to read anything or get counseling but it seems like she let's me do the work and sees the changes in me and then wants to do things.

The only way I would go back to WOW Is if she were to join me. Not going to happen.

My wife was scared of the PC. She would be able to watch movies, but the thing intimiadted her. I tried to get her into WOW, cuz I think she would have liked it. There were real people behind the keyboards, and W was a people person, allways helping others.

God Bless ya PB

That was a sad story CP. Truly.

Powerbane, I love your attitude about your wife now. It hurt really bad for a long time when my husband didn't value me in that way.

I have only myself to blame, for my heartache, and the guilt for thinking I could help her, and that I had to. If you KWIM.

She said all she wanted was a simple life, with a regular guy, who loved her. I did my best to be that, and waited for her to live up to her word. Unfortunatly it was too much for me to handle I guess.

I have regrets, but try not to live in them, and am slowly putting them behind. Now my duty is to my children, and thier development, setting them free in thier hearts and minds, to live as best as they can.

Thats allways up to the individual, and weathering this storm in our family has a lot to do with how I act, as an example.

I would not wish it upon anyone.

I believe you did help her. In my mind a good partner would be supportive. Trouble is, like you said, she didn't hold up her end of the bargain and it became a burden it seems. A burden that wasn't yours to carry.



Absolutely. A test of a man's character is through adversity.

Apparently I had a lot to learn in that area.

1 Peter 1:6-8 (King James Version)

6 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:

7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

8 Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:

Temptation to be bitter, and to live in constant sorrow. I find that unacceptable, and wasteful of the gift of life.

If I can show full recovery for my children, it will be through understanding, and the peace that passes understanding, from my God and the trusting of Him that died for my sins and weakness of our limited understanding.

If I allow Christ to be the sacrifice, instead of trying to take his place, much more will be accomplished in my life, as all I can control is myself. Truly isn't that all that God asks?
I love that scripture

Proverbs 23:22-24 (King James Version)

22 Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.

23 Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding.

24 The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him.

We allways have a lot to learn, and it is a gift these challanges, although we don't see them that way. I had to learn it wasn't my job to save her, and that I was not that strong, even though I thought I was. If we choose badly, we suffer the consequences. I think it was called "Avarice", when people tried to raise themselves to Gods status? Sometimes I think I let myself be duped into thinking I was her savior, but then again it was my ego, and I thought we were saving each other.

It was the loss of the basic needs of a marriage, like described in MB principles, that were ignored, and put aside untill "Whenever", that caused the most pain. For both of us untill she escaped into drugs, I am sure I am not innocent, but I can with humility accept forgiveness.

I tend to be inclined towards guilt and responsibility to fix things out of my control, then I find myself guilty because I tried. Only God has an answer for that complicated mess I am afraid.

That was like reading into my soul on some levels.

I know you went through a lot, so I can't know the depths of the emotions you felt, but I do believe you are on the right track for healing.

With the depths of the sorrows you experienced, you are capable of experiencing that much joy as well.

I pray you receive all the peace and understanding you seek.

Thanks,

It makes me remember way back another time I was really troubled, after 1st marriage break-up, and an aquaintence let it slip to his GF, and she refered to me as a "head-case". I knew the term came from him, it was his lingo.

I responded with, "Well you gotta have a head first to have a case". LOL I was much more quick witted at 22. As allways, she was someone who had issues, amoung them being a coke addiction.

I will be fine and in time, I figure at least a few years, my thinking and actions will bring me peace. Thank you all for your kind words.

So Whats up with the new WOW patch? I heard it stinks?

CP....do you still harbor guilt? It's not an easy thing to rid yourself of.

Are you playing WoW again!???? How do you know about the patch???

Edited! I just re-read your post. You said you "heard" about the patch.

I'm sorry I can't answer the question about the patch for you, because I am not playing. I'm resisting the urge since my faculities are needed elsewhere for the time being. But if I thought for one second that you and Kirby are playing again, I might just have to reconsider!

Its a cronic problem with me, since childhood. I have to keep it simple to avoid taking on more than I should. My late wife knew this about me up front. At the time we were dating I was still not in my opinion ready to have a seriuos relationship, because I had not yet dealt with my own conscience completly.

Its a long detailed story, and I will tell ya sometime on another thread, if it will help you. It might help me to put it down in writing and see if I can sum it up.

My kids would playfully call me, "The guilt magnet".

In the best objective sense I can see, as a child I was made responsible for my parents emotional problems, and I got into the habit of blaming myself, and that will allways result in depression, when anger and aggression is turned inward. At 18 I got a chance to start my life over, but still needed a lot of support, and when 1st wife got pregnant without my approval, and then left me two years later, again the guilt and self-obsession, and depression that I was used to as a child.

But I had overcome a lot, and thought with my second wife, who I empregnated out of wedlock, not only could I be who she needed, but we could have that dream of two people who pulled for each other, and built a family and life together. With it being what it was and is, and ending like it did, now I am back to either feeling sorry for myself, or moving on.

I doubt that its curable, and I will have to watch myself and adjust to this weakness of character as I see it. At 53 its damage control for me and my kids, and helping them to be free and not worry about me. I am proud of them. Its no problem though, I have much to be happy for, its what to look forward to is what I still struggle with, and not much motivation ATM. Its all in my head, and I have melancholic<sp> personality traits.

As thoughts produce feelings taking control of them can produce good results that produce good thoughts. Thats the proactive positive and agressive action of pulling yourself out of a pit. When negative thoughts take over in our heads, negative feelings follow those thoughts and overcome us. As time goes on, and I recognize those thoughts, and call, "BULLCRAP!" on them, my thinking becames clearer and more healthy. This is true of anyone, and its a process, hence my signature, and name, "constantprocess" ,(sorta sound like the name of a tea, lol, and it should be "constant comment", cuz I can't stay away from posting my comments).

I guess the best way to get rid of guilt, is to agree with God about the human heart, and that it is treacherous, and we must gaurd ours because out of it come the issues of life. These hard words come to us as we understand how God percieves our human condition, and those who beleive they are strong, or righteuos.

Isaiah 1:5-7 (King James Version)

5 Why should ye be stricken any more? ye will revolt more and more: the whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint.

6 From the sole of the foot even unto the head there is no soundness in it; but wounds, and bruises, and putrifying sores: they have not been closed, neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment.

7 Your country is desolate, your cities are burned with fire: your land, strangers devour it in your presence, and it is desolate, as overthrown by strangers.

Thank God we have been bought out of sin, and recieved unmerited favor, for a debt we could not pay anyway.

Nope not playin WOW, just tryin to change the subject.

Hey CP....I'm pretty slammed at work right now, but later I want to read your post and comment on it.

For now, I just need to do a mind dump so that I can focus on what I need to focus on.

Ever since I posted on SC's thread last night, I've been bothered by what I said over there about wishing I had never met my husband. I am just so hurt that he kept me at arm's length our whole marriage, and when we finally found MB and had the tools to make a great marriage, I was too hurt to give it my best shot.

I was literally bleeding for 3 yrs due to the emotional toll all of the discoveries had on my body. My Mom, who was healthy one day, fell and broke her hip, and needed constant care during all of that, only to go so far downhill that she died two years later. I had to have a hysterectomy due to the bleeding right before her death, and I suffered the loss of feeling like a woman afterwards. And to top it all off, my husband asked me for a divorce one month after her death.

It seemed like I could never get out of the pain to have fun with my husband as much as we needed to. Recreational activities would be planned, but my husband was so uncaring towards what I was going through, I couldn't bring myself to have fun with hi.

However, the times when he acted like he wanted to work on the marriage, those were the best times of my life, even with all the stuff I was dealing with. I loved the way he made me laugh, the way he touched me, kissed me. He knew how to do a bunch of stuff with the cars, the house....just about anything.

I'm hurting right now because I miss him so much, and I don't understand how I can have such strong feelings for someone who continues to hurt me to my core.

I'm 46 and struggling financially. My daughter wants to have children soon and I'll be a grandmother alone. I just keep thinking how my life has turned out and I'm soooo sad.

I know there's more life ahead. It's just not the way I envisioned my life.

I've been tempted to e-mail him all day to tell him how much I miss him and I know I cannot.

I'm just hurting and frustrated right now. After work, then school, I am going to a Divorce Care group tonight. I really hope that helps.

I just keep wishing, hoping, praying that my stbx would just drive up and tell me he's sorry and misses me. I find myself looking out the window for him still!

These last 4 years have been full of more pain than I ever thought I would feel.

It's just another day on the rollercoaster. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a little peace in my soul.

It has been 6 months since my stbx told me he wanted out, and 4 months since he left.

When does the pain go away??? It's been 6 months and I still hurt to the core!

I had been a SAHM for 10 years and I was awarded 3 years of alimony.

I agree don't change yor working situation now. Unless YOU had the affair and blew up the marriage you DESERVE the most you can get the court to award.

Have you retained an attorney? You need legal counsel.

You don't need to listen to ANYTHING your WH says. Of COURSE he wants you to work more....every dime you makes reduces the amount of alimony he will be required to pay.

It gets better. 4 months is not long at all. 4 months after I kicked my WH (now X) out I was still unable to eat 3 bites of food. I lost 25 pounds, down to 112 pounds! At 5'6". I couldn't sleep for almost a year. It was horrible.

I am almost 2 years past D-Day and almost 1 1/2 years past final D. I'm remarried now and so happy. There is life after divorce.

{{{{{{{MJ}}}}}}}

I want you to think back to a couple of days ago. Remember? You were having fun. Enjoying the moments of your life NOW. Not what it WAS.

And what it WILL be, has yet to be written. Ease yourself from the book of the past, and start writing the book of your future. One. Day. At. A. Time.


I will repeat this to you, simply because I know of nothing else to help you get past this moment. This too shall pass.

This was good.

I wanted to tell ya MJ, that I feel much better and am way better than I was years ago, and am even more healthy than I was before WW cancer, because at that time I was still dealing with rejection also.

It will feel better, and because you have a capacity like you do, it will be reversed. Just don't rush yourself. Its only been a few months.

I am probably gonna get a 2x4 for this but, think of the song by Barry Manilow, (sometimes refered to as Barely Man-enough), "I made it through the Rain"

Well he did write the songs...